Healing Sexual Shame & Addiction

1. Healing Sexual Shame & Addiction Dr. Hannibal Silver

2. “…we are not alone in our loneliness. Others have been here and known grieves we thought our special own, problems that we could not solve, lovers that we could not have, pleasures that we missed by inches… I think you and I say proud that I have been by fate allowed to stand here having the joyful chance to claim my inheritance. For most have died in the day before the opening of that holy door.” Patrick Kavanaugh

3. The Garden Delight The true antidote to addiction is Shalom. Rest and peace between humanity and God; rest and peace between humanity and humanity, and an internal serenity between one and his/her true self

4. Crucial Role of Shame • Moral Shame (the sense of guilt) is the foundation of morality. Without a sense of shame one cannot form a conscience. • Healthy shame is central to one’s sense of identity. • Shame can become a signpost to spirituality and the Transcendent. • In its fully developed state, it is the sense of awe, reverence, modesty and the sense of being overwhelmed by mystery (see Psalm 8)

5. How Shame Forms Sex Drive • 4 mo. - 7 mo. Expression of Shame • 7 mo. - 3 yrs. Shame as inhibitor of autoerotic excitement. • 3 yrs. - 7 yrs. Awareness of Sex Drive - Sexual Fantasy.

6. Basic Sexual Identity • Shame Affect Fully Operative as Modesty • Daring to Give Self in Sexual Love without Losing Self • Shame as a Signpost • Love and Intimacy

7. Full I/Thou Capacity • Sexual Communication as a Nurturing and Caring Experience of the Whole Person • Experiencing the Mystery of Pregnancy and Childbirth.

8. Puberty: Full Awakening of Sex Drive Shame as Dominant Affect: Guilt, Conscience, Awe, Modesty Shame is the conscience of love Shame makes sex impossible without love Sexual Pleasure cannot be achieved by any form of excitation only Sexual Pleasure is achieved by the affective participation of one’s beloved. Full Sexual Expression

9. Sexual Identity • Competent Sexual Identity: Guilt as Moral Shame • Integration of the Sacred and Natural • Desire for Mutuality - Fidelity and Commitment • Sexual Shame as Awe, Reverence and Play

10. Identity Scripts • False Self • Split Self • Dissociated Selves • Disown Self

11. Defending Scripts • Perfectionism / Failure • Control / Manic • Blame / Self Blame • Rage / Passive Aggressive • Critical Contempt / Self Contempt

12. Confusion about how to act and what to do Feelings of loneliness, alienation and lack of connections Sadness over unfulfilled expectations and wasted life Desire for a quick fix Feelings of exposure and vulnerability Failure to take care of self Uncontrollable emotions Dark thoughts about death, including suicide Sudden accident-prone behavior Fear that the pain will not go away Signs of Shame Trauma

13. Compulsive user’s Core Beliefs • I am bad, unworthy person • No one will love me as I am • No one can take care of my needs but me • Sex is my most important need

14. Online sexual community popular and intense? • Accessibility • Affordability • Anonymity • Perceived Safety • Normalization

15. Cybersex / Rationalization • It doesn’t hurt me or anyone else • It is not the same as sex with “real people” • It’s just a game • I can stop whenever I want • No one knows what I am doing online

16. Cybersex / Immediate expectation • Escape from stress and anxiety • Escape from relational pain and frustration • Accept and take ownership of your “forbidden” desires • Experience with growing intensity the pleasures of self-stimulation • “No one should masturbate alone”

17. Loss of self-respect and self-worth Loss of Self-esteem Loss of Trust Isolation from dating and social interaction Reduction in spouse intimacy, sexuality and communication Self-rejection Lack of True Intimacy Anger “Rewards” after the thrill is over

18. Loss of Control - Clear Behavior in which you do more than you intended or want Compulsive Behavior - A pattern of out of control behavior over time Loss of Time - Significant amounts of time lost doing and/or recovering from the behavior Preoccupation - Obsessing about or because of the behavior Inability to Fulfill Obligations - The behavior interferes with work, school, family, and friends Continuation Despite Consequences - Failure to stop the behavior despite its social, legal, financial, physical, and work cost Deprivations - Self-Neglect, Shame based, inhibitions, adversity or pain Addiction Criteria

19. Fantasy - Arousal depends on sexual contemplation and computer rituals Voyeurism - Visual stimulation penetrates mind-body-soul Exhibitionism - Arousal based on viewer’s reaction of “shock and awe” Seductive Role - Arousal is based on experience of conquest, rather than in nurturing love-making Trading - Arousal based on gaining control of others Intrusive - Arousal occurs by violating boundaries without being noticed Paying - Arousal connected to earning pleasure through money Pain Exchange - Aroused based on being humiliated and hurt Exploitive - Arousal based on targets vulnerable “types” Serendipitous - Arousal involves no seduction or cost and is immediate and uncommitted Ten Faces of Sexual Addiction

20. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Seductive Role - Arousal is based on experience of conquest, rather than in nurturing love-making

21. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Exhibitionism - Arousal based on viewer’s reaction of “shock and awe”

22. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Paying - Arousal connected to earning pleasure through money

23. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Serendipitous - Arousal involves no seduction or cost and is immediate and uncommitted

24. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Pain Exchange - Aroused based on being humiliated and hurt

25. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Voyeurism - Visual stimulation penetrates mind-body-soul

26. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Intrusive - Arousal occurs by violating boundaries without being noticed

27. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Exploitive - Arousal based on targets vulnerable “types”

28. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Trading - Arousal based on gaining control of others

29. Faces of Sexual Addiction • Fantasy - Arousal depends on sexual contemplation and computer rituals

30. Have a primary therapist. Individual counseling is essential Work to find clarity and resolution in their family of origin and childhood issues The experience of sharing one’s wounds with fellow addicts may not work, a more diverse support group may be advisable Develop a spiritual life centered on a personal relationship with God rather than on church creeds and indoctrination Regular exercises, relaxation, balanced nutrition, air sun, water, and moderation or avoidance of stressor/anxiety triggers Find a safe community Factors for Successful Recovery of Cybersex Addicts

31. Safe Community Rules • Affirmation is given - No one is invisible • Feelings are accepted - Emotional expressions are not viewed as weakness • People are listened to - Opinions are valued and welcome • Individuality is encouraged - Unity is cultivated rather than uniformity • Personal care and nurture are provided • Sensitivity and enjoyment of gender differences are experienced • Courage to be imperfect is encouraged

32. Safe Community Searches • Search for Meaning • Search for Purpose • Search for Encouragement • Search for Belonging

33. Applications & Implications Part 1 • We must accept our personal inability to cope in isolation with the tremendous power of our sexuality • We must accept that our sexuality flows in unexpected springs of dark, hateful, and punitive waters • We must accept that everyone, single or married often struggles with amazing power of sexual energy • We must accept that moral imperatives, simple solutions, magical expectations, and easy prescriptions are inadequate responses to the fearsome power of sex

34. Applications & Implications Part 2 • We must agree with Eric Fromm that “love actually” takes real love, hard work, and discipline • We must cultivate a countercultural view of personal attraction (3D-mind/body/soul) as a replacement to the prevailing and limited view of physical attraction • True intimacy will embrace every dimension of living such as, recreational, intellectual, emotional,spiritual, financial, conflict, crisis, commitment, jokes, and sexual foreplay, play, pleasure, and rest

35. Applications & Implications Part 3 • All the above will facilitate the healing of a shame driven personality. True healing will restore the soul, mind and body to enjoy the pleasures of holiness in time, relationships and communication • True intimacy will provide glimpses of a paradise lost and recovered. True intimacy will move one from a miserable state of mind to a life of freedom and celebration