Journey Class – May 2011 – 9:15am

1. Journey Class – May 2011 – 9:15am Week 1: Balance- What is the state of your marriage? Signs of a healthy marriage- Working towards a future together Week 2: Aerobics- Doing the hard work of fighting… and staying married Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last Week 4: Stretching- Growing (up) together- God in the middle of me- God in the middle of my marriage Week 5: Review- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

2. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last In his book, Soul Cravings, Erwin Raphael McManus writes eloquently about intimacy and love. "We are most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most inhuman when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it."

3. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last I. Emotional Intimacy What is Emotional Intimacy? Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that occurs when the trust level and communication between two people is such that it fosters the mutual sharing of each other's innermost selves. It is unbridled mutual self disclosure. It is when we feel wholly accepted, respected, worthy, and even admired in the eyes of our mate.

4. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last Being An Adult (A Prerequisite to Emotional Intimacy) • Takes Responsibility (for feelings, actions, choices, thoughts, values, love) • Requires Ownership- for self & other • Values Treasures- of self & other • Understands that “You are not me” • Sees the Other as a Person- Not Object • Allows the Other’s Experience • Allows the Other to be Different • Respects Freedom- of space

5. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last I. Emotional Intimacy Signs of Emotional Intimacy: How Are You Doing? • In a state of personal fear, uncertainty or danger, your partner is your first call or the person you turn to for comfort. • Crying, showing frustration or anger in front of your partner is okay.  You know he/she will not see you as weak, psychotic, crazy or out of control. • You can speak about sex, secrets and your feelings without a fear of being betrayed, ridiculed, or compromised. • No matter what happens, you know your partner loves you and will not abandon you during a state of crisis, ill health or financial difficulty. • You show or tell each other often through words and actions that you love and respect each other. • Past wrongs are not dredged up in arguments to get even with each other.  The past is discussed, forgiven and left there.

6. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last I. Emotional Intimacy Barriers that Effectively Block Emotional Intimacy: 1) self-centeredness 2) pride – I am right and you are wrong 3) intellectualizing 4) mind-reading 5) anger and insensitivity 6) cutting off

7. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last I. Emotional Intimacy 7) judgment, putdowns and sarcasm 8) blaming 9) control 10) lack of time 11) fear 12) "you" language 13) infidelity and lying

8. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last II. How to Grow In Emotional Intimacy Think of a close relationship in your life- a person who you feel safe with… What made/makes it safe?

10. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

11. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last A. Increase Awareness & Comfort Level of Emotions Feelings List: • Mad • Sad • Glad • Hurt • Afraid • Tender Nature of Feelings: • Not Good or Bad • Warning Signs- Indicators • Part of Us • Important Part of Expression • Allow us to Connect

12. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

13. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last Intimacy is Allowed to Grow in Safety: B. Be the Safest Person on Earth to Your Spouse Relational Skills of warmth, empathy, genuineness • Warmth -John 4 • Caring, respect, sincere, non-smothering concern… regardless of the person’s actions or attitudes • Genuineness not phony or superior, open, sincere… honesty without cruel confrontation… (a soft answer turns away wrath), being congruent • Empathy Sensitive and able to communicate understanding of the person’s thoughts, feelings, values, beliefs, inner conflicts… to “feel with”, especially at the beginning is most helpful

14. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last Intimacy is Allowed to Grow in Safety: B. Be the Safest Person on Earth to Your Spouse Confidentiality Protect boundaries Listening beyond words Shared Experiences Relational Skills of warmth, empathy, genuineness Time Be fully present Be motivated out of love Vulnerability Seek understanding Care

15. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last Be “Jesus Safe” Intimacy is Spelled A-C-C-E-P-T-A-N-C-E John 4

16. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last C. Know Your Spouse Men's Five Basic Needs are:1. Sexual Fulfillment 2. Recreational Companionship3. Attractive Spouse4. Domestic Support5. Admiration Dr. Willard Harley, a Minnesota psychologist, surveyed the basic needs of men and women in marriage and found that the needs are completely different. Women's Five Basic Needs:1. Affection2. Conversation3. Honesty and openness.4. Financial Support5. Family commitment

17. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last Husbands think for a moment…Do you know her favorite: C. Know Your Spouse – How Well You Doing? • Vacation Place • Movie • Restaurant • TV Show • Kind of Novel • Way of Relaxing • Way of Working/Doing Tasks • Way of celebrating something special • Way of Receiving Love and Giving Love? • Way of Being Approached for Sex?

18. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last Wives- Do You Know: C. Know Your Spouse – How Well You Doing? • His Favorite Food/Restaurant • How He Has Fun • What Makes Him Feel Good About Himself • How He Would Prefer to Spend Some Extra Money • How He Handles Stress • How He Feels Respect From You • When He Needs Your Help • How He Would Prefer Your Love Life

19. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last D. Be Intentional… 1. Spend Time Together Time = Love

20. Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last D. Be Intentional… 2. Laugh Together & Play Together 3. Be Transparent: Listen for Feelings Behind Words- Speak Truth in Love 4. Be Demonstrative- Risk- Hold Hands 5. Encourage & Affirm Each Other- Be Soft 6. Pray Together