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HOMECOMING

HOMECOMING. A Period of Adjustment Chaplain Andy Meverden, Presenter Chaplain Richard Thompson, Source. Let’s brainstorm. Homecoming (to me) is… mounting anticipation... eagerness to see family, friend, homeland happiness, excitement... nervousness, butterflies...

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HOMECOMING

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  1. HOMECOMING A Period of Adjustment Chaplain Andy Meverden, Presenter Chaplain Richard Thompson, Source

  2. Let’s brainstorm... • Homecoming (to me) is… • mounting anticipation... • eagerness to see family, friend, homeland • happiness, excitement... • nervousness, butterflies... • not a cure-all, not an end… • another new beginning/chapter in our relationship/s… • a “period of adjustment”

  3. Homecoming:“A Period of Adjustment” • A time to: • Renew intimacy • Discover changes that have occurred • Determine what direction our growth has taken • Meld all the above into a worthwhile ongoing relationship

  4. Homecoming:“A Period of Adjustment” • Two themes: • Awareness • Re-negotiation • Presupposes the ongoing process of communication

  5. Homecoming:Marriage: Husband/Wife Issues “A loaf of bread, a jug of wine…and thou…” ...and then some”

  6. Homecoming:Marriage: Husband/Wife IssuesWhat to Expect upon Return Wives’ Group Message to Husbands: “Don’t expect a lot when you come come home, don’t criticize my management of the household, the children or the finances. Be an honored guest when you come home; enjoy being a visitor for a while, don’t upset the routine; don’t hold an inspection; don’t put out a plan for the day; and please take it slow with me, physically court me a bit sexually, let’s have a honeymoon period, please!”

  7. Homecoming:Marriage: Husband/Wife IssuesWhat to Expect upon Return • You are both different - you have changed: • Remaining spouse is a little more independent • Returning spouse has had some “new” experiences • Not all the above will be 100% positive… • You can have a new beginning with common history.

  8. Homecoming:Marriage: Husband/Wife IssuesWhat to Expect upon Return • Problems or “unfinished business” will not have gone away: • Reunion “honeymoon” happiness may gloss over problems for a few days -- but they’ll resurface. • Both may experience concerns or fears: • Returning soldiers: • “Does s/he still love me?’ • “Does s/he still need/want me?” • “Will s/he even like me?”

  9. Homecoming:Marriage: Husband/Wife IssuesWhat to Expect upon Return • The need for verbal nurturing for successful readjustment: • Be open with your own feelings: • Seek to identify your own feelings beforehand & during • Listen actively to spouse (& children) • It’s amazing what one learns with the lip zipped & the ears open

  10. Homecoming:Marriage: Husband/Wife IssuesWhat to Expect upon Return • Sexual re-adjustment: • Honest communication (sharing & listening) leads to exciting sexual relationships - usually. • Sexual communication; • One of the highest forms of communication w/in a marriage relationship. • As well as one of the most complicated • Leave your fantasies behind… • Treat it like a honeymoon: • May be awkward at first… • But you’ll get the hang of it again…

  11. Homecoming:Marriage: Husband/Wife IssuesTo Minimize Possible Problems: • Approach spouse as an equal • Discover & celebrate new skills spouse developed • Share responsibilities - renegociate chores • Be patient… • Express love…verbally & practically • Plan schedules to accommodate both needs • Hold weekly “meeting” to go over concerns • Be positive about decisions made in absence

  12. Homecoming:Parenting IssuesWhat to Expect upon Return • Absence has put great emotional strain on your children. • May be too young or just unable to figure out how parent could have left them -- if you really loved them • Children may react in different ways: • May pretend they don’t care about you. • May become possessive - excluding remaining spouse • They have grown & changed too….

  13. Homecoming:Parenting IssuesTo Minimize Possible Problems: • Accept the challenge of renewing affection • Take it easy on the kids - especially discipline • Don’t pack off kids for an intimate reunion alone • Be patient - takes time to regain trust in you • Take personal time to express pride, etc.. • Express appreciation to child for helping in absence • Bring gifts to every child - leave no one out! • Remember: Kids are NOT miniature adults.

  14. Homecoming: Parent/Adult Child SoliderParents of Deployed Soldiers Living at Home • Recommendation: • “Big Boy/Big Girl Rules” • If they live in your home: • Treat them as “responsible adults” • When deployed: • They were 100% accountable: • They worked when told or volunteered… • They slept when told or had time… • They ate when told or had food… • They bathed when told or had water or Wet Ones • The played…whenever the Cdr or 1SG weren’t looking! • In short, they had little time to/for themselves!

  15. Homecoming: Parent/Adult Child SoliderParents of Deployed Soldiers Living at Home • When they get home: • They probably missed: • Home cooking… • Family time, rituals, celebrations… • Friends: Girl/Boy… • Hobbies, sports, hunting…alcohol… • So they may binge…on any/all of the above… • So what do you do if they do…..?

  16. Homecoming: Parent/Adult Child SoliderParents of Deployed Soldiers Living at Home • If they seem to lose control: • Remind them of house rules, as needed, especially if any changes have occurred. • Confront them as adult children, if problem arises… • Use “Tough Love” if necessary… • Use local resources: • Unit members and leaders, esp. “battle buddies” • Clergy, (civilian, military chaplain), counselors • VA/Vet Center outreach adjustment counselors. • MilitaryOneSource.com – 1-800-342-9647 • User ID: military | Password: onesource • Don’t suffer alone! Reach out for help!

  17. Homecoming:Other IssuesOther Things to Consider • Finances • Encourage soldier to go easy on gifts • Have returning soldier drop by the gas station & grocery store to see current prices • Avoid homecoming spending spree.. • Remember: “If you can’t afford it, don’t do it!”

  18. Homecoming:Other IssuesOther Things to Consider • Infidelity • The hardest homecoming problem to deal with…& least likely to occur • Four common mistakes in handling • Being totally unprepared for the possibility • Dumping “the facts” on an unprepared spouse • Doesn’t “just happen” - seek counseling • Doesn’t mean they don’t love you…there’s a problem either in the person or relationship

  19. Homecoming:Other IssuesOther Things to Consider • Exotic Places -- Gifts & Stories: • Remaining spouse/parent sometime envious of deployed soldier’s travels… • Gifts - • Intended to show love, concern, compensation • Can result in overspending -- if charged… • Be prepared for possibility • Tell soldier what you want…or don’t want

  20. Homecoming:Other IssuesOther Things to Consider • Language - those 4-letter words: • Often acquired while away… • May be unaware of usage • Gentle reminder will “re-educate” • Family - things old & new: • Family rituals help in homecoming • Remind returning soldier of routines… especially any new ones!

  21. “R&R Retreat” • Weekend Retreat: Fri. night to Sun. Noon • COARNG “gift” to soldier and love ones • All soldiers invited: Single, engaged, married, with or without children. • Programs: Childcare, Children, Youth, Soldiers, Spouses, Parents • Mileage, per diem, hotel, 3 days pay • Time to: • “equalize” information on post-deployment resources • “get away” at government expense • “re-connect” with loved ones • First State doing this type of event!!!

  22. Retreat AGENDA • Fri. Night: Social mixer/dinner (optional) • Sat. AM: (9-12:30) (Mandatory) • Bugs & Drugs of SWAsia (Doctor/PA) • Post Traumatic Stress/eval & Group time (Counselor) • Relationship Enhancement (Chaplain) • Sun. AM (0830 – Noon-ish) • Chapel (optional) • Financial Seminar (Education not solicitation) • Survey (Soldier and Loved ones) • State Employment assistance • Admin (Travel voucher, Safety Briefing) • Rest of time is for rest, recreation and/or consultations (fun is mandatory!) • Question: When? • The sooner the better….will work with Unit/State leadership.

  23. Homecoming:EpilogueRemember... • Most homecoming couples will not experience serious problems • Most problems resulting from deployment can & will be overcome • Reunion is desired by most • It’s an emotionally thrilling experience • Occasionally, help is needed: • No disgrace in needing help • Only disgrace is false pride which prevents soldier/couple from seeking help...

  24. A Final Word.. Have a great “homecoming” & a warm and rejoicing period of adjustment.

  25. Q & A Questions & Answers

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