Do secular counseling resources have a place in the Church?

1. Do secular counseling resources have a place in the Church?

2. Words of Affirmation Quality Time Receiving Gifts Acts of Service Physical Touch What people desire most from their parents, they will desire from their spourse?

3. Pre-marital couples tend to prefer this DVD series.

4. Gender differences. Impact of family background.

6. Men are From MarsWomen are from Venus John Gray

7. Publication: April 1, 1992. • 7 million copies sold. • 121 weeks on best-sellers’ list. • Of counseled couples in this program, only 10% have eventually ended their marriages. • Extremely effective in my own counseling.

8. Keep in mind, John Gray claims an amazing track record of success. Of counseled couples in this program, only 10% have eventually ended their marriages.

9. Never referenced at the Sem

10. Once upon a time, Martians and Venusians met and had happy relationships, and accepted their differences. Then amnesia set in and forgot they were from different planets.

11. Men expected women to communicate like men. Women expected men to communicate like women.

12. Introduction by John Gray • A week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and I were completely exhausted. Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barely walk.

13. Introduction • After five days of staying home to help, I went back to work. She seemed to be getting better. While I was away she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the office, she asked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn.

14. Introduction • I had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned home she was very upset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me. She said, "I've been in pain all day.... I ran out of pills. I've been stranded in bed and nobody cares!" I said defensively, "Why didn't you call me?"

15. Introduction • At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn't called me. I was furious that she was blaming me when I didn't even know she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was fired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits.

16. Introduction • Then something started to happen that would change my life. Bonnie said, "Stop, please don't leave. This is when I need you the most. I'm in pain. I haven't slept in days. Please listen to me."

17. Introduction • She said, "John Gray, you're a fair-weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out that door." Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears.

18. Introduction • As her tone shifted she said, "Right now I'm in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You don't have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don't go."

19. Introduction • I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her.

20. Men achieve and want to feel they have a valuable and needed purpose. Men come out of their caves (where they want to learn to work out problems on their own) and want something more.

21. Men want to know that they have a needed purpose to a specific, individual soul.

22. Men achieve and want to feel they have a valuable and needed purpose. They get telescopes and observe beautiful creatures on another planet. They desire to have a special needed purpose by them.

23. The Venetians treasure relationships over accomplishments. The Venetians love to feel cherished. They love to feel cherished by the Martians, even though it may be a superficial at first.

24. It is important to remember that men and women have reciprocally different natures. • Men and women need to appreciate these differences, and cease expecting each other to act and feel the way they do. • Both might know English but do not understand how to communicate to each other in marriage.

25. Men love to have their abilities recognized and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored; women love to have their feelings recognized and appreciated (being cherished), and hate to have them scorned or ignored.

26. Women are emotionally driven • It is in the DNA. • A women’s memory is 10 times more powerful if it is tied to an emotional trigger. For instance, a woman can remember what you are wearing because of emotional triggers with the appearance of the clothing. • A woman has a much harder time forgetting a traumatic event or a fight with a spouse because of the emotions tied to it.

27. Men are achievement driven • It is in the DNA. • A misconception is that boys are slower learners. Boys naturally project energy outwards (achievement based). • Example. More men than women tend to be mathematicians and mechanics? Why? • Problem solving and achievement driven personalities are ingrained.

28. Men like to work on their own (to achieve competence), and prove and exercise their abilities by solving problems quickly and singlehandedly; women like to co-operate, and exercise their feelings through interactive communication with one another. • For men – The goal is the goal. • For women – Feeling cherished along the way is the goal.

29. Men value solutions, and view unsolicited assistance as undermining their effort to solve problems alone; women value relationships, and view unsolicited solutions as undermining their effort to proceed interactively. • Men desire that their solutions will be appreciated; women desire that their assistance will be appreciated. • Women naturally improve the details of their surroundings and will inherently try to include men in these efforts.

30. Example • Two men sit on a couch and watch a football game together. They have nothing in common but problem solve and strive towards a goal together. They have bonded.

31. Example • Two women watch the same game… • What will they be doing to bond?

32. Example • So man and woman go running together. • The man is focused on time, pace, getting in shape, beating previous times, etc. • The woman wants to slow down because the heavy pace keeps them from visiting. • Both become frustrated. • BUT – Both are driven by innate desires of being man and woman.

33. When faced with tough problems, men become non-communicative so they can work out how best to help themselves, while women become communicative to find personal support from others and know they are continually cherished. • Men like to demonstrate their abilities by being allowed freedom to solve problems without interference; women like to demonstrate their feelings by being allowed to relate problems without interference.

34. Most often, men will only ask for help when needed. • Men will only want to ask help from those they respect and they feel will help accomplish the goal at hand. • Frustration or aggression arises in men when others interrupt the process or tell them what to do while performing a task that they have assured themselves that they are competent accomplishing or that they can eventually solve on their own.

35. Aggression especially arises if advice makes the task more difficult to perform. • A message is sent that they are not adequate (NOT NEEDED) for role or the task at hand.

36. Men love to feel needed. Think of how superheroes are especially admired by men or boys. Men need to know they have special and needed role. • They love to have their abilities recognized and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored; women love to have their feelings recognized and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored.

37. When men do communicate, they tend to get to the point, and generally only want to listen if they feel the conversation has a point (problem solved); women enjoy talking for its own sake, and are happy to listen unconditionally.

38. Notice none of this is bad in and of itself. A man needs to know that in the woman’s life he fills a valuable place to her. A woman wants to know that she is cherished and is valuable to the man. • The problems arises in how these innate desires are communicated.

39. Why Might a Man be Silent • Again, men like to sort their thoughts out before communicating them, and have the tendency to become distant and non-communicative as they ponder their concerns. At this time, a woman needs reassurance that her partner still rates her as worthy of being taken care of.

40. Women like to sort their thoughts out in the process of communicating them, and have the tendency to pour forth a litany of general grievances as they relate their concerns. Both must try to avoid feeling personally to blame when their partners are dealing with problems.

41. The wisdom of coming back to it.

43. Various Caves - Introspection • Exercise. Effective? • Newspaper. Effective? • Garage. Effective? • Hobby. Effective? • Leather chair. Effective? • News. Effective? • Action movie. Effective? • Sports. Effective? • In moderation, these caves are not harmful but extremely healthy. • In excess, these caves can be harmful.

44. Various Caves • If a man does not have a healthy cave, he will resort to unhealthy ones. • Chemicals. • Alcohol. • Pornography. • Eruptive anger and aggression. • In cases of male depression, a counselor and counselee must ask what the healthy releases (caves) are and if the cycle of the cave is being disrupted.

45. Male Depression • Although it is not the only reason, many men suffer depression and anxiety because they do not permit themselves caves.

46. Too often, however, he is not left alone. His Venusian wife, misunderstanding his Martian need to spend time in his cave and misinterpreting his retreat as a rejection of her, counters by pressing a load of intimacy on him at the very moment he is most unwilling (and unable) to receive it. • Granted, there is a legitimate problem if the cave is used excessively. Generally, the rubber band will stretch back to the woman and she will find him warm and receptive after he has effectively processed the details of life in proper perspective.

47. Men are Caves,Women are Waves • Women, on the other hand, are like waves. At one moment a woman will be filled with love and praise for her husband and positive about their life together. At the next, she will suddenly fall into an emotional well and speak in hyperbolic terms about how terrible her life is and how tired and worn out she feels.

48. Ups and Downs

50. When she is down and doesn’t feel she gives enough or has any more to give… • In response, her husband feels rejected and attempts to talk her out of her depression. He can’t. She needs to go through this cycle. • The wife does not need or desire to have her emotional stress explained away rationally. What she needs is simply to be held and understood, affirmed, cherished, and validated.