Welcome to the open sky webinar!

1. Welcome to the open sky webinar! We will start at 6pm- see you soon.

2. Parting mindfullyNAVIGATING SEPARATION, DIVORCE, AND BEYOND Kara L Collins, MFT-C

3. “Divorcism” Common Assumptions • There is a “right way” to divorce • I gave up or didn’t try hard enough • My children will be damaged forever • I should be happy • Divorce has to involved a lot of conflict • No one understands • Single parent families are harmful to children • I will be alone forever • We should stay together for the kids

4. Reality for Parents Parents • Social isolation • Depression • Grief • Loss of support (friends and family) • Moving • Loss of job or need to gain employment • Loss of income • Impact on children

5. Reality for Children Children • Grief • Loss of routine • Loss of stability • New school • New responsibilities • Loss of activities/lifestyle • Loss of non-custodial parent and extended family • Loss of siblings and friends

6. A ROAD MAP TO SEPARATION & DIVORCE

7. Ahrons’ Four Types of Divorced Couples The style of interaction and communication a couple develops post divorce affects all of their future intimate relationships and family relationships.

8. Perfect Pals & Cooperative Colleagues • Perfect Pals • High interaction and communication • Close and caring relationship • Cooperative Colleagues • Moderate interaction and high communication • Able to compartmentalize anger

9. Angry Associates & Fiery Foes • Angry Associates • Moderate Interaction and Low Communication • Unable to contain their anger to marital differences • Fiery Foes • Little interaction and low communication • highly litigious divorces

10. Dissolved Duos • Single parent • No contact with non-custodial parent • Lack of contact can negatively effect • children, even if the marriage was • unsafe

11. The Emotional Process of Divorce Think of divorce as a ‘developmental transition’

12. The Formal Divorce • “Divorce within a Divorce” • Social, spiritual, financial, mental, emotional, etc. • Legal agreement for custody, child and spousal support, and community property. • Take it slow- try not to make legal decision in the midst of emotional overwhelm or crisis • Get the info you need • Know your rights • Consider info carefully before making a decision • Ask yourself: • Will I get revenge? Will this help me move on?

13. Alternatives to Litigation • Mediation • Collaborative Law • Parent Classes & Education • Marriage Classes & Education • Financial Planners • Divorce Coaches • Family Counseling • Support Groups

14. How Divorce Affects Adolescents • GIRLS • Internalize • “Sleeper-effect” • Somatic symptoms • Struggle with relationships in the future • BOYS • Externalize • Show adjustment issues immediately • Overtly symptomatic • Better success in future relationships • Adolescents probably know what is going on • Keep boundaries and routine consistent to avoid splitting • Conflict between parents may negatively affect long term relationships with children

15. Family Structure Maria Pre-Divorce David Carly Blake Post Announcement David Maria Family systems are always trying to maintain homeostasis. When one parent leaves, the system becomes destabilized and family members attempt to reestablish stability. Ex) A chair missing a leg Carly Blake

16. Triangulation Post Separation • When a system becomes unstable due to divorce or conflict anxiety arises. • In attempts to stabilize the marital relationship, children will often become the 3rd leg to lower the anxiety. • Parents can assign this role or some kids will act out drawing attention away from the conflict between parents. • This creates the common dynamic of children of divorced families being “caught in the middle”. Maria David Carly Blake

17. Parentification 1 year post separation Maria David Carly Maria Carly • Common for child/children to assume the roles and responsibilities of the absent parent. • Potential for parentification increases when parent is seriously emotionally distressed by the • divorce, has a previous mental illness, or in the case of a “Dissolved Duo”. • Best way to counteract this common pattern is to seek support for yourself and children, • continue to hold boundaries, and keep marital issues and conflict away from kids. • Ex) therapy, family therapy, support groups, mentors, extended family members

18. Beyond Divorce Dating, Remarriage, and Step-Parenting 5 years post separation Step-mom Tom Theresa David Maria Carly Blake Anna Step-sister • Consider dating and remarriage another major family transition • establish new roles, rituals, boundaries, and structure

19. Dating & Remarriage • 60% of second marriages end in divorce • What you do in your personal life does affect your children. • Take time to understand the strengths and weaknesses of your last marriage and your • role in the divorce. • ex) looking at unhealthy patterns, issues from family of origin • No formula to when it is ok to move on and start dating • Check your motives- Am I ready? Is my family ready? Am I doing this for comfort? • Keep open and appropriate communication with your former • partner around dating. • YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT MESSENGERS DO YOUR WORK SO YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP WILL BE DIFFERENT!

20. Step-Parenting • Take it slow- allow kids to come to you. • Refer to bio parent and ex-spouse to establish rules, boundaries, and routine at first. • Be involved in creating new rituals and routines for the family. • Remember that you are a valuable resource in the family. • Your role allows you to bridge the gap between mentor/parent/friend/support. • Keep an open dialogue with kids about their emotions, needs, boundaries, and relationship with you. • Encourage kids to spend time one-on-one with their bio parents.

21. Things TO do

22. QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, FEEDBACK? THANKS FOR JOINING US THIS EVENING! YOUR PARTICIPATION SPEAKS VOLUMES TO THE DEDICATION AND LOVE YOU HAVE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILIES. Kara Collins karal.collins@gmail.com Please leave this browser window open when the webinar is finished; it will take you to a short survey.

23. References • Ahrons, Constance. (1994). The Good Divorce. New York: Harper Collins. • Bracke, P., Gouwy, A., Wauterickx, N. (2006). Parental Divorce and Depression: Long-Term Effects on Adult Children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, vol. 45 (3/4) 43-65. • Garon, R. (2005). Collaborative Law. Retrieved from http://www.divorceabc.com. • Hawkins, A., Fackrell, T. (2013). Should I Keep trying to work it out: A guidebook for individuals and couples at the crossroads of divorce (and before). (Power Point Slides). Retrieved from http://www.strongermarriage.org. • Stevenson, M., Black, K. (1994) How Divorce Affects Offspring. New York: Harper Collins.