Relationship Choices

1. Relationship Choices Grade 9 Health Program

2. Abuse • Physical abuse – includes hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, shoving, pinching, choking, pulling hair, scratching, or biting. Physical assault may also include throwing objects, inflicting burns, or using weapons.

3. Abuse • Psychological abuse – affects our feelings. It includes verbal abuse and name-calling, put-downs, ridicule, and humiliation, which lead to poor self-esteem and feelings of low worth. It includes fear by threats against the victim’s loved ones, threats of suicide, or blackmail. Also – reckless driving, playing with a weapon, hurting pets, controlling another’s activities, isolation, destruction of property, withholding money.

4. Abuse • Sexual abuse – starts with demeaning jokes, sexual name-calling, and unwanted touching. Includes forced or coerced sexual activity that the victim is uncomfortable with, excessive jealously, sexual accusations, or flaunting of other relationships. It is often accompanied by violence or the threat of violence.

5. Lesson 1 – Identify the abuse • 1) Remember your participant agreement, stay respectful and positive. • 2) Activity: Raise your hand if you feel the situation is abusive: • 3) What is a relationship? Identify the many different relationships teens assume. Think of all – peers, adults, coaches, etc.

6. Lesson 1 – Identify the abuse For each of the following, RAISE YOUR HAND if you feel the situation is abusive. • 1. Mary repeatedly telephones and e-mails John even • though he has another girlfriend. • 2. Karim is very angry at Reema. He does not hit her • but slaps the wall next to her. • 3. A group of girls call Jenny a slut because she is • sleeping around. • 4. Mother suggests that her daughter should lose some • weight. • 5. A father spanks his child when the child misbehaves. • 6. A girl slaps her boyfriend’s face when he says • something rude to her.

7. Lesson 1 – Identify the abuse • 7. Amid grabs and holds Sheena’s arm when she walks • away from him while he is still talking. • 8. Amy asks that Bill explain where he has been when • he is one hour late for their dates. • 9. Girl grabs a guy’s butt in the hallway at school. • 10. Guys make comments about girls as they walk • down the hall. • 11. Teacher berates student for his/her lack of effort • in front of the class. • 12. John teases Mary that she is putting on a little • weight, and then says he was only kidding. • 13. Ricco must spray-paint graffiti on school walls to • be accepted into a group. • 14. Three gang members approach Tasha in hallway • and make it difficult to get past them. • 15. Parents forbid their teenager to associate with • certain friends.

8. Lesson 1 – Identify the abuse • Identify the many different relationships in a teen’s life: • With each role comes a relationship that may be healthy or abusive. This program is designed to help students determine how healthy their relationships are and to discover ways to make relationships safe, nurturing and mutually satisfying.

9. Lesson 1 – Identify the abuse • 4) Who’s got the power? • Identify power imbalances in our society or in school. Who has the power? Who does not? • Create a definition of abuse that incorporates the term “power.”

10. Lesson 1 – Identify the abuse • Identify power imbalances in our society or in a school. Who has the power and who does not?

11. Lesson 1 – Identify the abuse

12. Lesson 1 – Identify the abuse • 5) Power and Control Wheel: • Brainstorm examples of abusive behavior in a relationship. Record these in your notebook. • Fill in your Power and Control wheel. • 6) Introduction to film, “A Love That Kills.” • Abuse may be defined as the use of physical, psychological, or sexual behavior to control and maintain power over another person.

13. Lesson 2 - A Love That Kills • Write down your initial thoughts about the film. • Write three questions you have concerning the relationship, or clarifications you need. • Mrs. Speers has provided answers to frequently asked questions. Review.

14. Lesson 3 – Positive Relationships • Recall examples of abusive behaviors in the film. Did you notice psychological as well as physical? Provide examples. • Define personal boundaries. Think of a physical comfort zone. • Boundary exercise – when are you uncomfortable?

15. Positive Relationships • Boundaries not only establish comfort, but create a sense of self. We have physical, emotional or psychological boundaries to make us feel safe and secure. • Create a list of healthy boundaries. Share • Boundaries are connected to self-esteem. We have a choice about our own behavior. Think of Healthy, Unhealthy, Walled. • Read scenarios and discuss options. P. 67.

16. Power Imbalances • Healthy Boundaries: give good protection, gives us information about when it feels safe to allow someone to become close. Allow us to act appropriately and not offend others. • Unhealthy Boundaries: give little or no protection from abuse. Makes us vulnerable to be controlled or manipulated, and self-esteem is damaged. • Walled Boundaries: are unhealthy. Gives ultimate protection, but at a price. No one gets close, and you are cut off emotionally from others.

17. Rights and Responsibilities • Think about your relationships and complete the sentence, “I have a right to…” and “I have a responsibility to…” • What are the differences in expectations between genders? How does this affect communication? • Complete the equality wheel. Generate a list of positive behaviors that ensures equality in your relationships.

18. Rights and Responsibilities • I have a right to: free to do other things, speak what is on your mind, to work, to not be controlled, be accepted as who I am, my own personal boundaries, leave the relationship if I choose, hang out with other people, personal goals, feel safe, have an opinion, make a decision, feel how I feel…

19. Rights and Responsibilities • I have a responsibility to: respect others belongings, choices, thoughts and feelings, trust and support his/her feelings, friends, activities, and opinions, be honest and accountable, not be degrading to others, share responsibility, make financial decisions together, accept change, be willing to compromise.

20. Equality Wheel Topics • Non-threatening behavior • Respect • Trust and support • Honesty and accountability • Non-degrading behavior • Shared responsibility • Economic partnership • Negotiation and fairness

21. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Examine handouts: 1a, b, & c • Abuser • Victim • Community • In groups, answer the discussion questions and record answers. You will present your thoughts to the class. • Complete your copies as the others present their findings.

22. Cycle of violence

23. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Why abusers use violence: • Social tolerance • Modelling • Cultural values • Denial • Externalizes blame • Insecurity • Low self esteem • Poor communication skills • Poor impulse / anger control

24. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Why victims stay: • Fear • Ambivalence • Minimization of abuse • Internalization of blame • Low self esteem • Hope for change • Caregiver

25. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Societal contributors: • Privacy of home • Two parent family • Victim blaming • Community response • Sports images • Media messages • Tolerance

26. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Special problems for teens dealing with abuse • Peer pressure • Lack of control • Media messages • Poor information • Sports images

27. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Peer pressure: pressures to be popular may keep teens in an abusive relationship. Some think being alone is worse than being abused. Pressure to have unwanted sex is evident in both sexes.

28. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Lack of control: Teens are reluctant to tell adults about abuse for fear they will take over. Abuser’s control may be preferred to parental control. Often teenage abuse isn’t viewed as serious as adult abuse.

29. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Media Messages: Women are constantly devalued, sexualized, subject to violence and portrayed in stereotypical roles in advertising and other media, as victims or aggressors. Pornographic and violent films dehumanize all victims of violence and encourage violence.

30. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Poor information: teens are susceptible to misinformation because their source is usually their peers. Some may think abuse is normal when in reality it is not. Many take what they see in media as fact.

31. Lesson 4 Understanding the Choices • Sports Images: violence and aggression are portrayed and rewarded in sporting events and lead to social acceptance.

32. Lesson 5 Responsible Choices • Understanding Anger: • It is OK to feel angry, it is a legitimate emotion. It is not OK to hurt someone when you do. • Behavior is a choice • 1) How do you know when you are becoming angry? What are some physical signs? • 2) What can you do before you act? How can you distract yourself? • 3) What can you say to yourself to calm down? • 4) What other emotions could be at work? • 5) How could you express yourself in a positive way and safe way?

33. Lesson 5 Responsible Choices • Complete handouts – Own your behavior • Discuss suggestions • Read over scenarios – answer: • 1) What are your feelings about this situation? • 2) Is there abuse going on? By whom? • 3) What is the effect of the abuse? • 4) List the “red flags” that may indicate a problem in this relationship. • 5) How can the situation be resolved? • 6) How could the situation have been prevented?

34. Lesson 5 Responsible Choices • If you are abusive… • It is a sign of strength and courage to ask for help. • You are responsible for your own behavior. No one makes you act in a violent way. You have a choice. • Your violence will increase if you do not take steps to control it. You may destroy your relationship or seriously hurt someone you care about. • Your feelings of insecurity will only get worse if you continue to act violently. • Blaming your problem on drugs, alcohol, or stress is an excuse. • Apologizing after the abuse will not erase the problem. • Physical violence and threats of violence are crimes • Do not make assumptions about sexual activity. No means no.

35. Lesson 5 Responsible Choices • To avoid abuse: • Be assertive/confident. Walk and act confidently, even if you don’t feel this way. • Trust your instincts. Act when you feel you are in danger. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. • Determine your feelings about sex and sexual limits. Know what you want to do before you are in a risk situation. • Communicate those limits. Say yes to something doesn’t mean you can’t say no to another. This must be talked about because body language is confusing and mind-reading is impossible. • Alcohol or drugs will influence your ability to make good decisions. • Socialize with people who share your values. • You are responsible for your own behavior. • Abuse thrives in silence. Share your problem with a friend or ask for help from someone you trust who has the skills to help you.

36. Lesson 6 Help a friend • Write 2 or 3 suggestions about specific ways to LISTEN, INFORM, or SUPPORT a victim or abuser.

37. Lesson 6 Help a friend • How to help a friend who is a victim: • Listen: lend an ear, respect feelings, don’t criticize, don’t question what they are saying. You may be the first to hear about it. Understand. • Inform: Help them recognize the abuse is used to gain power and control. Share how the violence will escalate over time with no intervention.

38. Lesson 6 Help a friend • Support: Recognize your friend’s strengths. Reinforce that they are not responsible for the behavior of someone else, and they did not cause the abuse. Support your friend in whatever way you can. Suggest options, but don’t make decisions. Focus on staying safe.

39. Lesson 6 Help a friend • How to help a friend who is a perpetrator: • Listen: Listen to their point of view. Be prepared to offer non-abusive suggestions without being judgemental. Remind them it is not their feelings being challenged, but their actions. Encourage them to see a professional for help.

40. Lesson 6 Help a friend • Inform: Identify the abuse in a non-abusive way. Remind them that assault is against the law. Remind that each of us is responsible for our own actions. • Support: Reinforce your care and concern, but you cannot condone the violent or abusive behavior. Engage in positive alternatives. Encourage seeing a professional.

41. Quiz Review • Know the various types of abuse and personal boundaries. • Be able to label the cycle of violence. • Understand factors of abuse: why abusers use violence, why victims stay, how society contributes • Ways to help a friend who is a victim or perpetrator of violence.