TEAM 8 WRITING IMPROVEMENT PROGRAM (WIP) CLASS IN SESSION

1. TEAM 8WRITING IMPROVEMENT PROGRAM(WIP) CLASS IN SESSION

2. Section 8Writing Improvement ProgramMeeting 413-01

3. Team 8 WIP Schedule As of 1 AUG 12 Meet in Room 2133 & 2132

4. Peer Feedback – Rubric

5. Outstanding Issues • How long should a paragraph be? • In what order do you present your paragraphs: weakest to strongest. . . or the opposite? • What do you do with longer papers?

6. What is style?

7. What is style? • How a writer conveys his or her message • Includes aspects of tone, precision, length, and voice • Challenges arise from subjectivity • A sentence can still be grammatically correct yet lack style

8. What is style? "Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print. Never use a long word when a short one will do. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out. Never use the passive when you can use the active. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.“ --George Orwell in “Politics and The English Language”

9. What is style? Cooper's word-sense was singularly dull. When a person has a poor ear for music he will flat and sharp right along without knowing it. He keeps near the tune, but is not the tune. When a person has a poor ear for words, the result is a literary flatting and sharping; you perceive what he is intending to say, but you also perceive that he does not say it. This is Cooper. He was not a word-musician. His ear was satisfied with the approximate words. --Mark Twain in “The Literary Offenses of Fenimore Cooper”

10. Twain on rules of writing: An author shall. . . • “. . .say what he is proposing to say, not merely come near it.” • “. . .use the right word, not its second cousin.” • “. . .eschew surplusage.” • “. . .not omit necessary details.” • “. . .avoid slovenliness of form.” • “. . .use good grammar.” • “. . .employ a simple and straightforward style.”

11. Should the M9 be the Army’s standard issue pistol?

12. After I received this writing prompt, I sat down and mulled over the positives and negatives of the M9. I realized that this project was going to require more than just my personal experiences, so I went to the internet and then to the library. I learned that there are a multitude of sources available, and I am sure that some are more credible than others. What is one to do with such riches? In the end, I cannot help but conclude that the M9 is a fine design that the US Army should retain.

13. After I received this writing prompt, I sat down and mulled over the positives and negatives of the M9. I realized that this project was going to require more than just my personal experiences, so I went to the internet and then to the library. I learned that there are a multitude of sources available, and I am sure that some are more credible than others. What is one to do with such riches? In the end, I cannot help but conclude that the M9 is a fine design that the US Army should retain.

14. The M9 was adopted for use by the US Army in 1985. Much testing was conducted, and when the smoke cleared, the Beretta was considered to be the best of the pistols that were submitted by Sig Sauer, Smith & Wesson, and several other world-class arms manufacturers. This choice was met with considerable consternation; the 9mm was believed to be underpowered by many experts. Though the M9 has its adherents, it should not be retained for use by the United States Army in the future.

15. The M9 was adopted for use by the US Army in 1985. Much testing was conducted, and when the smoke cleared, the Beretta was considered to be the best of the pistols that were submitted by Sig Sauer, Smith & Wesson, and several other world-class arms manufacturers. This choice was met with considerable consternation; the 9mm was believed to be underpowered by many experts. Though the M9 has its adherents, it should not be retained for use by the United States Army in the future.

16. The debate involving the Beretta is the equivalent of flogging a dead horse. So much money is on the table that even entering the debate with those who profit from the contract is like rolling around in mud with pigs (you get dirty, and the pig enjoys it). While I must admit that the Beretta carries with it a certain je ne sais quoi, one must acknowledge it has a plethora of critical weaknesses: premature metallurgical failure resulting in frame fissures; functional failures resultant from ejection and feeding issues; and an inability to cause adequate tissue damage through the creation of a wound channel the leads to quick incapacitation.

17. The debate involving the Beretta is the equivalent of flogging a dead horse. So much money is on the table that even entering the debate with those who profit from the contract is like rolling around in mud with pigs (you get dirty, and the pig enjoys it). While I must admit that the Beretta carries with it a certain je ne sais quoi, one must acknowledge it has a plethora of critical weaknesses: premature metallurgical failure resulting in frame fissures; functional failures resultant from ejection and feeding issues; and an inability to cause adequate tissue damage through the creation of a wound channel the leads to quick incapacitation.

18. Avoiding overuse of the weaker “to be” verb forms Like passive voice use, understand that overusing the weaker “to be” verb forms: • Is decidedly weaker writing. • Takes up more space. • Can become monotonous . to be verbs: is are was were be being been am

19. There is growing hysteria about the M9. • The level of concern is distracting to soldiers in the field during a time of war. • It makes the soldier wonder if they are adequately armed. • If a soldier is equipped with the M9, he is certain to feel concern about the effectiveness of his assigned weapon. • It is incumbent on leaders at all levels to ensure that soldiers are informed of the M9’s attributes. • It is a sad situation when rumor and myth are impacting on a soldier’s morale. • There is a need for further study of the M9.

20. Weak verbs: “to be” and “have” • My M9 had the tendency to jam. • The M9 is an easy weapon to shoot. • Anyone who is willing to work will succeed. • It was CPT Smith who notified the SDO. • There were some interesting results from this testing of weapons. • The enemy is afraid of the M9. • Joe was alarmed by the skunk’s proximity. • There was a nice fellow named Vlado. He was cordial, mannerly and hence popular. • It is clear to even the dullest mind that the M9 is inadequate.

21. How do I "control" my use of the weak "to be" verbs? • A state of "being" vs. A state of "action“ • When is its use appropriate/necessary? • Use is a conscious decision, not an accident • If I want to change or eliminate it, how do I do it? • Understand that implementing this “control” should be part of the revising/editing phase of the writing process, not something to worry about during drafting.

22. CHANGE THE "TO BE" VERB TO AN ACTION VERB It was really hot today. The temperature was in the upper 90s! Today, the temperature soared into the upper 90s! 2. SUBORDINATE CLAUSES AND PHRASES INTO OTHER SENTENCE PARTS. Kelly is really pretty. She is eighteen years old and she is a model. She is working for Victoria's Secret. Kelly, an attractive eighteen-year-old, models for Victoria's Secret.

23. CHANGE TO (VERBALS) INSTEAD OF ("TO BE" • VERBS + PARTICIPLES) That man who is sitting at the table is Keith Stone. He is carefully nursing a cool beer. He is a friend of mine. Keith Stone, sitting at the table carefully nursing a cool beer, is a friend of mine. • SUBSTITUTE APPOSITIVES INTO THE SENTENCE • CONSTRUCTION Ashley is a computer specialist. She is used to being asked to fix automation problems. She is busy all the time! Ashley, a computer technician who specializes in trouble- shooting automation problems, stays busy all the time!

24. Summary • Your writing style is important. • Building effective sentences requires attention • to verb forms and syntax. • Coordination and subordination are essential • to effective style. • Varying the sentence patterns improves your • writing style. • Effective style avoids overusing the weaker • “to be” verb forms and the passive voice.

25. Next Meeting: Next Wednesday, 3 OCT 0730! HW: Sentence Outline of Article Optional Paragraphs: Ten Lessons The U.S. Should Learn From Afghanistan's History or Foreign Aid Under Fire On Many Fronts NOTE: Hyperlinks are active when in presentation mode.