Self reflection activity:

1. Helping your student Understand and Manage Stress: Striking a Balance Between Academic Success and Emotional Health

2. Self reflection activity: • Your # 1 goal for your child • Core values/character traits you hope your child embodies • Your top stressors when you were an adolescent/child • Your top 3 top successes- at what age? • Worst mistake? • Were you perfect? • Expected to be?

3. Ultimate Goal of Parenting Balance between our innate desire as parents to protect our kids, provide them the best opportunities, set them up for success and raise functioning, independent, emotionally balanced adults

4. Resilience   • The ability to recover quickly after a setback • Adapt well to change • Keep going in the face of adversity • Set of attributes that provides people with the strength and fortitude to confront the overwhelming obstaclesthey are bound to face in life. • Psychological resilience is defined as an individual's ability to successfully adapt to life tasks in the face of social disadvantage or highly adverse conditions. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_resilience

5. So, what are we asking kids to be resilient to? • Implications of being raised in an post- 9-11 world (economic, national, personal instability) • School shootings • Decrease in outdoor play • Being overscheduled • Over specialization of sports at earlier and earlier age • Social media • Lack of opportunity for self directed downtime • Focus on college prep beginning in kindergarten: • Micromanaging parents to keep up, get an edge if they are lucky • Imbalanced schedules • Adult timeframe vs. developmental readiness • 24 hour news programs= • Increased sense of instability- “a cauldron of stress they can’t get away from” • Diminished grace in learning: • When being perfect is not even good enough

6. The joy of learning has become now a struggle to excel • We don’t need to apply pressure to get kids to perform- it is intrinsic Karen DeBord, PhD. • We have gotten away from letting development and the natural learning process run its course and by doing so have destroyed the culture of childhood • Parenting has become more fear based than ever before, characterized by constant direction, supervision, and protection • Discipline through command and control

7. stress: is not the enemy

8. Traditional + New Academic rigor Advanced preparation for “normal” transitions Specialized/Competitive sports, music, dance Zero tolerance policies Skewed distribution of class levels+ flooded AP/GT market A clear divide between the academic “have” and “have-nots” Social media Always having to be “ON” • Fighting with friend or sibling • Taking a test • Concern about being liked by others • Not having enough privacy • Birth of sibling • Moving to a new school • Re/marriage of a parent • Believing a teacher doesn’t like you

9. Healthy vs. Unhealthy stress • What is stress? • A functional, automated and protective response to events that make you feel threatened or upset • Typically brief in nature, feel a sense of relief when situation passes • Benefits of healthy levels of stress • Stress triggers fight, flight, freeze response • Improves memory • Boosts your immune system • Energizes body • Increases social connection • What is unhealthy stress? • Stress becomes unhealthy when it is chronic • Affects mental, physical and behavioral well-being- It makes us sick

10. Allostatic load Allostatic Overload Wear and tear on body and brain from being “stressed out” Physiological (neurochemicals) adaptive process that maintains homeostasis during times of toxic stress

11. A bit about downtime (or lack thereof)“Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top –Virginia Woolf • We have come to believe and even expect that every moment must be utilized and that multitasking is good and a sign of highly effective/productive people • Brains actually need downtime- it allows circuitry to develop and to let the brain take what it already knows and think, reflect and change, this is crucial for long term memory formation • Cramming: the information doesn’t get consolidated effectively in our long term memory, the brain cannot store a lot of information in a short period of time • Having the opportunity to be idle is an important way to recharge • Spontaneous moments nurture creativity and imagination • Downtime for adults helps manage stress • Boredom bears creativity • Kids acquire new information at a rapid pace; they need time to sort through it and integrate it into their existing store of knowledge • Seeing an increase in overscheduled kids experiencing heightened sense of anxiety- feeling overwhelmed due to having too much to master, too much to respond to and a general feeling of chaos in their lives

12. Overscheduling Reasons We Over-schedule Questions to Ask Is your teen content- ever relaxed? Do they enjoy the activities they participate in? Do they have time to entertain themselves or have down time on a daily basis? Do you feel as if you are hurrying through homework to get places every day? What is important? How much your students do or the mastery of the activity? • So many wonderful opportunities to choose from- can be daunting to choose • Pressure to compete- give kids an edge • To support an interest or develop a skill their children either lack or as we as children were not able to adequately explore • Fear of too much freedom • Belief that by giving opportunities to be more and have more makes us better individuals • We are a “doing” society rather than a “being” one

13. Stretch vs. Strain

14. Emotions: Not the enemy either

15. Emotions – central to the experience of stress • Feelings of anxiety, irritation, frustration, lack of control, and hopelessness – what we experience when we describe ourselves as stressed • minor inconvenience • major life change • Situations are experienced as stressful to the extent that they trigger emotions such as annoyance, irritation, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed • Emotions determine what we care about and what motivates us • Without emotions, life would lack meaning and purpose • Underlying the ability to maintain good health, optimal functioning, and resilience = ability to manage your emotions • Ability to self-regulate, emotional flexibility, positive outlook, and supportive relationships → RESILIENT

16. So, What can We Do? Managing stress; finding balance

17. Resilient Individuals: • Maintain HOPE • Believe goals are achievable • Keep PERSPECTIVE Views stressors as external (specific and temporary), locus of control is internal, problems are solvable, challenges can be faced- broken down and managed VS. Viewing stress as being internal (open ended, permanent, due to character flaw, weakness, inadequacy), locus of control is external and therefore not in their control

18. How to Build Resiliency • Provide them with authentic evidence of academic success • Teach them to self-regulate their emotions • Reestablish internal view of self (rather than external: how many followers they have, likes their posts get, etc) • Build empathy • Focus on effort over ability or outcome • Validate worries (Anne’s formula) • Build in opportunities for learning from experiences in loving and supportive way • Set example of appropriate emotional responses

19. Striking a Balance • Academic Resiliency • Too many AP classes or not enough challenging classes? • Physical Resiliency • Push to the point of injury and beyond or quit when you feel tired • Emotional Resiliency • Take normal stressors in stride? or • Panic, exhaustion, and isolation or unable to tolerate minimal failures and negative feedback

20. How Much is Too Much? • When it comes to being overscheduled – how do you know what is too much? • When afterschool activities start interfering with a student’s life. • In the case of intensive commitments like travel sports or theater, even one activity can be too much • What would your child’s pie chart look like? • Can they still do homework? • Can they still get 8+ hours of sleep each night? • Can they still be a part of your family? • Can they still spend time with friends? • If the answer is ‘no’ to one or more of these, then it’s too much • The sum of the parts is often greater than the whole

21. Create Your Balance • Create your own pie chart – ideal vs. real • Consider the whole family when making decisions • take into consideration all sibling and parent time commitments • Get at least 8 hours of sleep • Have evening boundaries for technology, teens and adults • Don’t let kids sleep with their cell phones or laptops • Set a good digital example • Avoid skipping meals • Model the behavior you wish to see!

22. Re-Thinking Balance

23. WE can… • Emotionally: Connect • Engage in active-listening • Focus entirely during conversations with emotional-based content; do not multi-task • Ask open-ended questions • Talk less and listen more • Avoid comparing their stress to anyone else’s (minimizing, one-upping) • Avoid trying to fix • Don’t be afraid of negative feelings/emotions • Don’t assume you know what typical default answers mean (“I don’t care” or “It’s a waste of my time”) • Respect differences • Celebrate positive qualities and remind them that you value and love them for who they are • Ensure there is balance, time to restore from stress • Academics: • Adjust your expectations accordingly for school performance • Is overachievement all it’s cracked up to be? • Discern between habituation and crunch time

24. Redefine Failure • FAILURE: • Lack of success • The omission of expected or required action • A falling short • Is a B failing if you hoped for an A? • Reframe: I know you studied hard and had hoped to get an A, it seems like it was a hard test and you showed that you really understood the material

25. How can parents help • Help teen determine what is in their control and what is not • Prioritize what is really important • Focus on getting basics back in place: • Routines • Bedtime and sleep • Diet and exercise • Be a good role model • Plan time for relaxation/ downtime • Brainstorm stress relieving distractions (that don’t involve social media) • Discuss social media, develop and model healthy habits • Be mindful of tone/overall mood • Teach, model, reframe calm self talk: • Help maintain perspective • Keep them in the world of “What is” (vs. world of “What if”)

26. Know signs of unhealthy stress • Prolonged shifts in mood • Drastic changes in presentation that are uncharacteristic, more angry/irritable • Negative self talk and viewpoints • Absolute thinking • Ruminating on mistakes, often social • Substance use/abuse • Shifts in sleep patterns • Psychosomatic complaints • Headaches, ulcers, IBS, TMJ, fibromyalgia • Lack of energy: fatigue • Changes in diet/weight • Self harm • Intolerance of ambiguity • Withdrawing • From friends • Activities that were once enjoyable

27. And when all else fails

28. Get Real • Reevaluate priorities, responsibilities, and demands • Be honest AND • Make some hard decisions • When in emotional crisis: • 1st goal is to emotionally decompress • Little can happen when in emotional duress • Don’t try to fix anything • Develop strategies to decompress: • Distraction • Humor and laughter • Cognitive Reframes • Diaphragmatic breathing • Seek support: • Friends • Family, other adults • Professional

29. About social media It is not going away….

30. The reality What to do • It is here to stay • It is how are kids communicate and socialize • They need access to technology/phones • The stats about extended (5+ hours a day) use are not good: • Increased use linked to: • Anxiety • Depression • Sleep deprivation • Poor health/increased weight • Diminished self esteem The world according to Anne • “In addition to” NOT “In place of” model • To supplement activities • So long as all other responsibilities are met • Be mindful of imposing over expressed/exuberant boundaries • Invisible boundaries- instead of stating restrictions, actively engage them in something else • Practice what you preach • Learn to be in control of our devices and not allow them to be in control of us • Maintain the basic social mores again- in addition to model not in place of

31. Remember: there are Many paths to An end…

32. The World According to Anne “EXPECTING PERFECTION IS NOT TEACHING RESPONSIBILITY”

33. Recommended reading • Gleason, D.: At What Cost: Defending Adolescent Development in Fiercely Competitive Schools • Gray, P.: Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play will Make our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life • Hirsh-Pasek, K.: Becoming Brilliant: What Science Tells Us About Raising Successful Children • Reynolds Lewis, K.: The Good News About Bad Behavior

34. The Family Center Anne Arena, MA, CAS Psychology Associate 4785 Dorsey Hall Drive, Suite 109 Ellicott City, MD 21784 (410) 531-5087 (240) 328-9002 thefamilycenter.tv thefamilycenter2@msn.com