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The Epiphany:. Or, Why the Male Population Fails in Monumental Proportions. It’s a well-known fact that the male population is bamboozled by females. Men push themselves to excel in their relationships, only to reach a painful, tragic end, complete with burning wreckage and nuclear fallout.
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The Epiphany: Or, Why the Male Population Fails in Monumental Proportions
It’s a well-known fact that the male population is bamboozled by females.
Men push themselves to excel in their relationships, only to reach a painful, tragic end, complete with burning wreckage and nuclear fallout.
The reason for this is simple: Guys aren’t using the tools at their disposal.
The male population spends a fair bit of its time poking fun at the movies known as “chick flicks.” What males don’t understand is that with the production of romance movies, the male population has been handed the keys to ensnaring the entire female population.
Lessons Learned from 10 Things I Hate About You: • Every girl loves a rebel • No girl falls in love with a guy who does everything for her. • You don’t have to have the same interests, you just have to be interested in each other. • Don’t be sickeningly sweet. Be sarcastic.
Lessons Learned from Pride and Prejudice • Be who you are, even if you’re an arrogant, prideful giant. Your match won’t be able to resist you. • Dancing is important. Remember this, it will surface again. • Argue. It’s healthy, and as long as it doesn’t get out of hand, it will improve the relationship.
Lessons Learned from How To Deal • Do not be sweet. Be sarcastic. • Argue incessantly. • You don’t have to talk all the time. Really, you don’t. In fact, just don’t. You’ll ruin the moment if you do. • Let her come to you. Seduce her, don’t kidnap her and force her into a cult known as a relationship.
Lessons Learned from Pretty Woman • Have a dry sense of humor. • Learn to appreciate things like cocktail dresses and operas. • Understand embarrassing things without them having to be spoken. • Be a gentleman. • Make her work to figure out your weak spots.
Lessons Learned from He’s Just Not That Into You • Make it difficult to figure you out. We’re bored, we need something to think about. • Allow the relationship to grow out of a close, strange friendship. • Do not mistake close friendship for an interest in dating, for goodness sake. • You cheat, we’re done.
Lessons Learned from Legends of the Fall • Be a freaking man. I mean, seriously, is it that hard to show you have some testosterone every once in a while? • Be comfortable outdoors. The outdoors are your friend. • Seduce. Don’t just court someone gallantly. Females love having opportunities to say no. We’ll begin to doubt your heterosexuality if you’re always a gentleman.
Lessons Learned from Dirty Dancing • You don’t have to talk about your feelings. Really, you don’t. Those long, deep looks? Those suffice. For the sake of all that is good, though, please don’t talk. • You’ve got to know how to dance if you want to capture a woman’s heart. For the love of everything else that is good, learn to dance.
Lessons Learned from Top Gun • Women love a man who excels in something. A talented man is a desirable man. • Never take no for an answer. • Don’t be overeager in the relationship. • Heated arguments always seem to end up in bed, so just avoid them entirely. • Leave her wanting more.
Lessons Learned from Troy • Just because the girl is trying to kill you doesn’t mean she isn’t overcome with lust for you. • Don’t steal another king’s bride. • Brad Pitt excels in the art of seduction. • Never take no for an answer. • Don’t always be a gentleman.
The male population didn’t get the chick flick memo, though. Instead, they’ve been modeling their love lives after these songs: • Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden • I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner • Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx • Everything I Do by Bryan Adams • I’ll Be by Edwin McCain • I Do (Cherish You) by 98 Degrees • Open Arms by Journey
These songs should not model relationships because: • Girls don’t want to hear about commitment anymore than you want to sing about it. • When you tell us how much you love us, all we can think about is how easy it’s going to be now to get whatever we want. • Don’t give us everything. Don’t offer us the moon. You’re making it too easy for us, and we’ll lose interest when no work is involved. • You don’t love us after only one date, you moron.
Look, silly boys. We understand you’re only human, and therefore are capable of just as many mistakes as we are. We don’t fault you for your many, many mistakes, nor do we hold many of them against you. All we ask is that you avoid listening to the music that will destroy our relationship, and begin watching the movies that will act as fertilizer to our newly grown feelings for each other. You see what I did there? That overly sappy, uncomfortably touchy-feely jargon that brings the taste of bile to your mouth? You’re not allowed to talk that way. I am. Because I’m the girl. You’re not the girl. You’re the guy. Please refer to the Legends of the Fall page and show some testosterone. Please feel free to branch out to other chick flicks, almost all of them are correct. Avoid the Nicholas Sparks ones, they tend towards the touchy-feely males. If you need a specific role model, just follow Brad Pitt in all of his movies. He knows what to do.
