Behavior Right from the Start

1. Helping Your Child Exhibit Appropriate Behavior Behavior Right from the Start Presented by : Christine DePinto Lisa Jaramillo Sheila Rivera Lora Wegner Pasquale Cocucci, Clarendon School Principal Susan Smahl, Director of Special Services

2. The goal of this workshop is to give you abetter understanding of the importance of appropriate behavior We want to assist your child in developing: *Patience *Impulse Control *Anger Management *Communication Skills *Social Skills *Conflict Resolution Skills in order to exhibit appropriate behavior.

3. Consistency - Routines According to the Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning: Studies have documented that schedules and routines influence children’s emotional, cognitive, and social development. Predictable and consistent schedules in preschool classrooms help children feel secure and comfortable. Also, schedules and routines help children understand the expectations of the environment and reduce the frequency of behavior problems, such as tantrums and acts of aggression.

4. Setting and implementing steadfast routines and patterns removes the unexpected frustrations that often lead to conflict. When a child is prepared for what is coming in his/her day there is less chance that he or she will rebel.

5. Furthermore, when parents are united and consistent in these routines, the child will become adjusted to the pattern more quickly and realize that there are some things that are simply not negotiable.

6. Parent/Child Communication: Establishing Expectations and Consequences “If a person is good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.” - Albert Einstein

7. Parents must clearly express their expectations for any given endeavor. Telling a child to “be good in the store” may not be sufficient. Specific expectations and clear, unwavering consequences are required for an optimal outcome. Example: “If you stay in the shopping cart the whole time we are in the store, and don’t cry, then you can have extra time at the park this afternoon.”

8. Parents and caregivers MUST follow through on all stated rewards and punishments. If a reward is promised and not provided, there will be a breach of trust. If a punishment is “threatened” but not enforced, there will be no fear of repercussions in future events. Punishments and rewards must also be immediate to be truly effective or else they will not be stored in memory as a causal effect.

9. “I” Messages “I” messages are an effective form of structured communication. When communicating to children we often naturally speak in a way that is ambiguous. “Can you put your toys away for mommy?” often leads to an answer of no, while “I need you to put those toys away now so that we can get ready to go to grandma’s house” can lead to more immediate action.

10. When a child expresses frustration and anger over a situation, it is important to not invalidate those feelings. At the same time, we must remain resolute in the cause at hand, whether it be to have a child complete a task or just to ensure they are expressing his/her emotions appropriately (or both!). This is where the “I” messages can help! And remember, “Listening is not waiting to talk.” (Scott Ginsberg). Our communication skills as adults are key factors also.

11. Scenario: Child is mad at having to pick up toys so he/she proceeds to throw things angrily and kick furniture. Response: “I understand you’re upset but I can not let you break things or hurt yourself. You can take a break on the bed or in a chair to calm down but you do need to clean up these toys before playing with anything else.” Once he or she is calm, you may suggest other ways for them to express his/her anger that is more appropriate – yelling in to a pillow,talking, writing in a journal, painting, etc.

12. Positive Reinforcements vs. Negative Reinforcements “Systematic use of reinforcement is the most powerful tool in strengthening and teaching a new behavior” --Kate Fiske, Ph.D., BCBA-D Douglass Outreach,Rutgers University Rutgers Developmental Disabilities Center

13. There are both “positive” and “negative” ways to reinforce a behavior. Contrary to the names’ implication, neither are bad or good, just different in approach and result. B.F. Skinner is credited with coining the terms when studying different methods of “operant conditioning”.

14. Positive reinforcement would be rewarding a child with something (praise, stickers, extra play time, etc.) when they behave appropriately, in hopes that they will link the two and repeat that desired behavior in the future. This must be done sparingly since it is argued that the child no longer acts appropriately because it is the correct thing to do, but simply to gain the reward.

15. Negative reinforcement is not a punishment. It is the promise of a removal of a negative aspect in order to illicit a positive behavior. Example: “If you go to sleep an hour earlier tonight, you can practice your trumpet for 30 minutes less.”

16. Positive Attention vs. Negative Attention “Don’t find fault, find a remedy” -Henry Ford

17. The hard fact is that children crave attention. They especially want it from parents and teachers and it does not matter if that attention is a hug or a frustrated scream – attention is attention. Children are also fast learners so they quickly ascertain what attention grabbing methods work best for them.

18. If a child consistently gets attention for throwing a tantrum or acting out aggressively (even if that attention is a scream or a punishment), then he/she has received the satisfaction they need and will repeat the behavior. That does not mean that there should not be consequences but rather that the consequence should be delivered after the child has calmed down. Rationalizing and yelling with a child through a tantrum has no positive result.

19. Ignore the behavior, not the childWhen a child throws a tantrum or “lashes out”, itis important to stay calm. Be cautious not to invalidate the child’s emotions but remember that now is not the immediate time to try to discuss the problem through. Tears, sobs, and anger make effective communication difficult. Allow the child to take time to vent out his/her anger and/or sadness in a way that will be the least disruptive and harmful to them (i.e., punching a pillow, taking a quiet moment with a book, squeezing a stress ball, etc.).

20. When a child consistently behaves inappropriately, it is easy to glaze over any positive behaviors that he/she may exhibit, however, it is important to praise those small victories as much as possible. When a child receives the attention he/she desires through positive behaviors, they are more apt to repeat those behaviors.

21. Promoting Positive Self-Esteem and Independence “Your child's self-esteem will be determined by the conditional acceptance that he receives from others - and the unconditional acceptance that he receives from you . Your child's self-esteem will be determined by success and progress in four areas: Emphasize, recognize and reinforce all four areas! o Social (acceptance, friendships) o Competence (in a skill area) o Physical (clothing, attractiveness) o Character (effort, generosity, etc.) “ Richard D. Lavoie, M.A., M.Ed

22. A sense of independence and pride will lead a child to take responsibility for themselves rather than looking to the adult to solve all issues before them. This in turn will reduce tattling and increase proper ways of defending oneself with words and not violence These are skills that they will use throughout their lives and this sort of ownership, pride, and problem solving skills should start now.

23. 1. Value each child as an individual with unique strengths, needs, interests and skills. 2. Focus on the child's strengths. Emphasize and celebrate his "islands of competence." 3. Reject the child's behavior, but never reject the child. Use affectionate terms and nicknames when scolding ("Your room is a mess, honey. Now turn off the TV and make your bed."). 4. Remember that sincere interest can be more effective and meaningful than praise. Demonstrate a genuine interest in her activities, hobbies, etc. 5. Establish realistic, achievable goals for your child. Anticipate success. 6. Avoid using sarcasm with kids - children with language problems often misinterpret it. 7. When discussing an issue or a problem, avoid bringing up past difficulties. 8. Never compare one child to another. 9. Help the child develop decision-making and problem-solving skills. 10. Understand that mistakes are an inevitable (and valuable!) part of any learning experience. Use these as an opportunity to teach and assist. 11. Divide large tasks into smaller, manageable ones. This will ensure success, mastery, and retention. 12. Maintain a file of his academic work. Use this to demonstrate his progress and development when he is feeling down. 13. Encourage him to maintain "collections" (e.g., baseball cards, stamps, rocks, etc.). This allows him to be the resident expert on a topic. 14. If she does not participate in team sports, promote individual sports (e.g., skiing, golf, swimming). This will provide opportunities for success, exercise, and peer interaction. 15. Communicate your confidence in the child and in her future. 16. Permit and encourage the child to follow the normal fads of his peer group (e.g., clothing, music). This will enhance his acceptance at school and in the community. 17. Emphasize the positive aspects of her behavior or performance, even if the task was not completely successful. Reward direction, not perfection. 18. Anticipate that the child will have plateaus, failures, backslides, setbacks, and regressions. Support and encourage him at these times. Kids need love most when they deserve it least! 19. Look for opportunities to offer him choices to allow him to practice decision-making skills. 20. Never, ever, communicate disappointment to your child. The disappointment of an adult may be too great a burden for a child to carry. Remember: ? ? Your child's self-esteem will be determined by the conditional acceptance that he receives from others - and the unconditional acceptance that he receives from you and ? ? Your child's self-esteem will be determined by success and progress in four areas: o Social (acceptance, friendships) o Competence (in a skill area) o Physical (clothing, attractiveness) o Character (effort, generosity, etc.) Emphasize, recognize and reinforce all four areas! 1. Value each child as an individual with unique strengths, needs, interests and skills. 2. Focus on the child's strengths. Emphasize and celebrate his "islands of competence." 3. Reject the child's behavior, but never reject the child. Use affectionate terms and nicknames when scolding ("Your room is a mess, honey. Now turn off the TV and make your bed."). 4. Remember that sincere interest can be more effective and meaningful than praise. Demonstrate a genuine interest in her activities, hobbies, etc. 5. Establish realistic, achievable goals for your child. Anticipate success. 6. Avoid using sarcasm with kids - children with language problems often misinterpret it. 7. When discussing an issue or a problem, avoid bringing up past difficulties. 8. Never compare one child to another. 9. Help the child develop decision-making and problem-solving skills. 10. Understand that mistakes are an inevitable (and valuable!) part of any learning experience. Use these as an opportunity to teach and assist. 11. Divide large tasks into smaller, manageable ones. This will ensure success, mastery, and retention. 12. Maintain a file of his academic work. Use this to demonstrate his progress and development when he is feeling down. 13. Encourage him to maintain "collections" (e.g., baseball cards, stamps, rocks, etc.). This allows him to be the resident expert on a topic. 14. If she does not participate in team sports, promote individual sports (e.g., skiing, golf, swimming). This will provide opportunities for success, exercise, and peer interaction. 15. Communicate your confidence in the child and in her future. 16. Permit and encourage the child to follow the normal fads of his peer group (e.g., clothing, music). This will enhance his acceptance at school and in the community. 17. Emphasize the positive aspects of her behavior or performance, even if the task was not completely successful. Reward direction, not perfection. 18. Anticipate that the child will have plateaus, failures, backslides, setbacks, and regressions. Support and encourage him at these times. Kids need love most when they deserve it least! 19. Look for opportunities to offer him choices to allow him to practice decision-making skills. 20. Never, ever, communicate disappointment to your child. The disappointment of an adult may be too great a burden for a child to carry. Remember: ? ? Your child's self-esteem will be determined by the conditional acceptance that he receives from others - and the unconditional acceptance that he receives from you and ? ? Your child's self-esteem will be determined by success and progress in four areas: o Social (acceptance, friendships) o Competence (in a skill area) o Physical (clothing, attractiveness) o Character (effort, generosity, etc.) Emphasize, recognize and reinforce all four areas! 1. Value each child as an individual with unique strengths, needs, interests and skills. 2. Focus on the child's strengths. Emphasize and celebrate his "islands of competence." 3. Reject the child's behavior, but never reject the child. Use affectionate terms and nicknames when scolding ("Your room is a mess, honey. Now turn off the TV and make your bed."). 4. Remember that sincere interest can be more effective and meaningful than praise. Demonstrate a genuine interest in her activities, hobbies, etc. 5. Establish realistic, achievable goals for your child. Anticipate success. 6. Avoid using sarcasm with kids - children with language problems often misinterpret it. 7. When discussing an issue or a problem, avoid bringing up past difficulties. 8. Never compare one child to another. 9. Help the child develop decision-making and problem-solving skills. 10. Understand that mistakes are an inevitable (and valuable!) part of any learning experience. Use these as an opportunity to teach and assist. 11. Divide large tasks into smaller, manageable ones. This will ensure success, mastery, and retention. 12. Maintain a file of his academic work. Use this to demonstrate his progress and development when he is feeling down. 13. Encourage him to maintain "collections" (e.g., baseball cards, stamps, rocks, etc.). This allows him to be the resident expert on a topic. 14. If she does not participate in team sports, promote individual sports (e.g., skiing, golf, swimming). This will provide opportunities for success, exercise, and peer interaction. 15. Communicate your confidence in the child and in her future. 16. Permit and encourage the child to follow the normal fads of his peer group (e.g., clothing, music). This will enhance his acceptance at school and in the community. 17. Emphasize the positive aspects of her behavior or performance, even if the task was not completely successful. Reward direction, not perfection. 18. Anticipate that the child will have plateaus, failures, backslides, setbacks, and regressions. Support and encourage him at these times. Kids need love most when they deserve it least! 19. Look for opportunities to offer him choices to allow him to practice decision-making skills. 20. Never, ever, communicate disappointment to your child. The disappointment of an adult may be too great a burden for a child to carry. Remember: ? ? Your child's self-esteem will be determined by the conditional acceptance that he receives from others - and the unconditional acceptance that he receives from you and ? ? Your child's self-esteem will be determined by success and progress in four areas: o Social (acceptance, friendships) o Competence (in a skill area) o Physical (clothing, attractiveness) o Character (effort, generosity, etc.) Emphasize, recognize and reinforce all four areas! 20 TIPS TO PROMOTE POSITIVE SELF ESTEEM By Richard D. Lavoie, M.A., M.Ed 1. Value each child as an individual with unique strengths, needs, interests and skills. 2. Focus on the child's strengths. Emphasize and celebrate his "islands of competence." 3. Reject the child's behavior, but never reject the child. 4. Remember that sincere interest can be more effective and meaningful than praise. Demonstrate a genuine interest in her activities, hobbies. 5. Establish realistic, achievable goals for your child. Anticipate success. 6. Avoid using sarcasm with kids - children with language problems often misinterpret it.

24. 7. When discussing an issue or a problem, avoid bringing up past difficulties. 8. Never compare one child to another. 9. Help the child develop decision-making and problem-solving skills. 10. Understand that mistakes are an inevitable (and valuable!) part of any learning experience. Use these as an opportunity to teach and assist. 11. Divide large tasks into smaller, manageable ones. This will ensure success, mastery, and retention. 12. Maintain a file of his academic work. Use this to demonstrate his progress and development when he is feeling down. 13. Encourage him to maintain "collections" (e.g., baseball cards, stamps, rocks, etc.). This allows him to be the resident expert on a topic. 14. If she does not participate in team sports, promote individual sports (e.g., skiing, golf, swimming). This will provide opportunities for success, exercise, and peer interaction.

25. 15. Communicate your confidence in the child and in her future. 16. Permit and encourage the child to follow the normal fads of his peer group (e.g., clothing, music). This will enhance his acceptance at school and in the community. 17. Emphasize the positive aspects of her behavior or performance, even if the task was not completely successful. Reward direction, not perfection. 18. Anticipate that the child will have plateaus, failures, backslides, setbacks, and regressions. Support and encourage him at these times. Kids need love most when they deserve it least! 19. Look for opportunities to offer him choices to allow him to practice decision-making skills. 20. Never, ever, communicate disappointment to your child. The disappointment of an adult may be too great a burden for a child to carry.

26. Conflict Resolution – Appropriate Communication "I discovered not only that dealing with conflict could be a satisfying and enjoyable part of teaching, but also that children, when given support, were enormously capable problem solvers” -Cate Woolner, Mediator and Conflict Resolution Trainer and Founder of Franklin Mediation Service

27. Many times, a child fights with a peer because they are not equipped with the proper language to defend and express themselves, leading them to resort to violence instead. It is our job as teachers and parents to guide them and equip them with that language. Like mentioned earlier, a sense of independence and pride will lead a child to take responsibility for themselves rather than looking to the adult to solve all issues before them.

28. When a child indicates that he or she was pushed by another it is best to help that child brainstorm what he/she can say to the other child. If they can not come up with an answer on their own at first, the adult may provide the child with some options, such as, “Please don’t touch me, I don’t like that”. Another option might be, “When you push me, it makes me feel sad.” Over time, the child will remember what to say on their own and will not look to the adult for help on how to resolve this confrontation.

29. Final Thought… “You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist.” -Indira Ghandi