Get Your Life Back: Eight Week Pre-Marital eGuide

1. Get Your Life Back Inspirational life Coaching’s Eight week Pre-Marital eguide Evangelist CHERYL Y. HOWARD

2. Marriage Covenant Movement • “Rooted in biblical teachings about the sanctity of marriage, covenant marriages bar divorce except under extreme circumstances like adultery, abandonment or, in the words of the Arkansas law, ''cruel and barbarous treatment.'' Such unions require counseling before taking marital vows or breaking them through divorce. And for cases that would correspond to current no-fault divorces, they extend the waiting time to up to two and a half years.” http://www.nytimes.com/2001/11/10/us/in-covenant-marriage-forging-ties-that-bind.html • “States are also offering incentives for premarital counseling and marriage education courses in an effort to reduce divorce, which soared in the 1970's. In 1968, the year before California adopted the nation's first no-fault divorce law, there were 584,000 divorces in the country, a rate of 2.9 divorces per 1,000 Americans. By 1998, the number of divorces had reached 1,135,000, or 4.2 per 1,000. (The divorce rate is highest in Southern states -- roughly 50 percent higher than in the rest of the country-and lowest in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut.)” http://www.nytimes.com/2001/11/10/us/in-covenant-marriage-forging-ties-that-bind.html • New York has recently accepted altered institutions marriage and alternative family situations that do not reflect biblical teaching. Most churches in the Greater New York area including Jesus is Justice and Get Your Life Back Counseling Ministries are more in favor of some of the components of the marriage movement/Covenant Marriage Law as long as there remain support for couples, and allowances for divorce in the case of all forms of abuse, psychological, mental and emotional issues, and other issues that clearly cannot be reconciled or corrected and would only cause further harm to the couple and family. Of course, this is after a considerable amount of counseling has taken place. God is the perfect judge and knows the intent of the heart. • It is important that the mental and emotional state of individuals are assessed and evaluated to determine if individuals have to capacity to both enter and maintain a healthy marriage. There are many cases where individuals feel trap or have mental and medical issues that may cause them to harm their spouse, children and themselves.

3. State of Union-Marriage • KEY FINDING:“Marriage trends in recent decades indicate that Americans have become less likely to marry, and the most recent data show that the marriage rate in the United States continues to decline. Of those who do marry, there has been a moderate drop since the 1970s in the percentage of couples who consider their marriages to be “very happy,” but in the past two decades this trend has flattened out. • Americans have become less likely to marry. This is reflected in a decline of more than 50 percent, from 1970 to 2010, in the annual number of marriages per 1,000 unmarried adult women (Figure 1). In real terms, the total number of marriages fell from 2.45 million in 1990 to 2.11 million in 2010. Much of this decline—it is not clear just how much—results from the delaying of first marriages until older ages: the median age at first marriage went from 20.3 for females and 22.8 for males in 1960 to 26.5 and 28.7, respectively, in 2011. Other factors accounting for the decline are the growth of unmarried cohabitation and a small decrease in the tendency of divorced persons to remarry. Finally, U.S. Census data indicate that the retreat from marriage has accelerated in the wake of the Great Recession. • The decline also reflects some increase in lifelong singlehood, though the actual amount cannot be known until current young and middle-aged adults pass through the life course.” Read more at: http://www.stateofourunions.org/2012/social_indicators.php#marriage

4. Our Stance on Pre-Marital & Marriage Counseling Get Your Life Back Counseling Ministries & GYLB Inspirational Life Coaching with Cheryl Stand together in making efforts to help restore, prepare, inform, educate and encourage premarital and marital relationships through counseling, prayer and advocacy in hopes to re-establish strong family values and model Christ-like marriages and families for the next generation to follow. We have created programs and resources to assist couples and families to become empowered and have incorporated premarital counseling/before vow sessions to help couples understand the spiritual and natural significance of marriage. Getylifeback.com healingforyoursoulministries.org

5. Philosophy/Biblical Support • Most of us may agree that marriage is a big step, and it should take a lot of thought and prayer before entering into it. • Marriage is a commitment • Marriage is about agape love and mutual respect • It’s a covenant/promise/vow between two individuals, • It’s an agreement • It’s a challenge • Marriage deals with compromise • Unselfishness • Intimacy • Communication • Family • Finance • Personal Philosophy Biblical Support The institute of marriage is viewed as a covenant and a holy institution originated by God, and a spiritual/natural commitment and covenant between two individuals in a marriage (A Man and a Woman). The Holy Scriptures says, “It is not good for the ‘man’ to be alone. I will make a helper (Suitable) for him…….Then the Lord God made a ‘woman’ from the rib he had taken out of the ‘man’ and he brought ‘Her’ to the ‘Man’……For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and ‘they’ will become one flesh. The ‘Man’ (Male) and His Wife (female) were both naked and they felt no shame,” Genesis Chapter 2:19-25 New International Version (NIV).

6. Get Your Life Back Counseling Ministries & Get Your Life Back Inspirational Life Coaching Eight Week-Pre-Marital Curriculum Guide Course Syllabus • Introduction/Intake Assessment ---------------------------------- [Week 1] • Pre-Marital Counseling/Benefits of Counseling-------------- [Week 1] • Intro to Counseling Approaches Used ---------------------------[Week 1] • Understanding Marriage /One ------------------------------------- [Week 2] • Love / The Ministry in Marriage -----------------------------------[Week 2] • Establishing Intimacy/Compatibility Test-----------------------[Week 3] • Holy Spirit in The Midst ---------------------------------------------[Week 4] • Dating /Accountability/Sex------------------------------------------ [Week 4] • The Issues of Life-Bring Them!-------------------------------------[Week 5] • Handling Conflict ------------------------------------------------------[Week 5] • Commitment / Communication/ Expectations ---------------- [Week 6] • Passion/Forgiveness /Agreement ---------------------------------[Week 6] • Family Planning / Household / Financial Planning ---------[Week 7] • Reflection/Summarize/Preparation ------------------------------- [Week 8]

7. Get Your Life Back Inspirational Life Coaching/Counseling Ministries’ Pre-Marital Sessions

8. Week One Introduction of all: • Intake/Assessment • Pre-Marital Counseling Defined • Understanding Marriage • Established Covenant • Best Friends For Life • Intro to Counseling Approaches Used • Hope-Focused Counseling • Biblical Guidance • Familial History • Medical History • Relationship History The couple will engage in this initial session by completing intake form and questionnaire about their marital expectations, gain an understanding of Pre-Marital Counseling and the benefits of it. The couple also engages in discussions about the covenant of marriage, the biblical, spiritual and emotional foundations of establishing a strong marriage. The counselor/teacher/leader/facilitator clarifies the type of counseling approaches that will be incorporated in the counseling/coaching sessions.

9. Pre-Marital Counseling Defined: Pre-Marital Counseling: Defined: Pre-Marital Counseling is when engaged couples or couples contemplating marriage seek mentoring, guidance, understanding, need moderation, coaching, counseling and/or spiritual insight from clergy, counseling professionals, mentors, life/relationship coaches, consultants and other leaders. Making It Plain: Clearing up a myth about counseling/therapy that says, “Counselorsonly HELP others work through situations, provide various solutions and suggestions along with homework assignment and offering in-session exercises and other activities.” The counselor can also mediate, moderate, and presentconflict resolutions and even use verbal de-escalation if needed BUT YOU have to put in the work, and employ appropriate and suitable practices, develop new, better and effective behaviors, and improve problem-solving abilities through enforcing solutions in order to see and feel changes and progress. Got It? Good! Now onto the benefits of counseling:

10. Pre-Marital Counseling cont: Benefits of Pre-Marital Counseling Are: • A better understanding about each other and themselves • Finding out each one’s understanding of marriage • Seeing the real person • Learning how to communicate as a couple • Discover their differences and what they have in common • A chance to put everything out on the table • Support and help with expressing their feelings about things • Learn different methods, techniques, and pointers on how to have a successful marriage.

11. Week Two • Love • The Ministry in Marriage • The Marriage Test Real ministry begins at home. When I say ministry, I am talking about the natural side of ministry because ministry is also two-fold. As ministers, believers and children of God, we not only preach, teach, anoint, pray, fast and intercede for others but we also feed, cloth, house, counsel, love, care, give and help others... So at home we nurture, protect, counsel, treat, comfort, love, nurse, listen, care, and provide intimacy in various forms with loved ones...it's the natural thing to do.

12. Marriage/One/Compatibility Test: Matthew 19:1-8 (KJV) The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? 4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but ONEflesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? 8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. • This session will open by discussing the concept of oneness in a marriage and couples will be at liberty to share their interpretation of this scripture in Mathew. • The subject of marriage, divorce, friendship and compatibility will be discussed. • The couple will be given a compatibility test to complete and the counselor will be the moderator, mediator and coach during the discussion about the outcomes of each response to the test.

13. Love in Action: • Godperpetually demonstrates Hiscommitment by the way He keeps His promises to love us, never forsake us and remain with us even to the end of this age (world) still stands. • Godloves us unconditionally and not based on merit. • God is passionate about humanity. Understanding His plan of salvation through His son, and that humanity would experience Hishealing. Love, commitment, compassion and acknowledging His presence is vital for premarital couples to frame their mind and ultimately their heart around. • God intervenes, interjects, communicate, comfort, share and touches His people in many ways thus,showing intimacy. These components of love are found in 1 Corinthians chapter 13. If one is walking in discernment prior to the marriage covenant, he or she is looking for manifestation/evidence of these fruits in the other before making any conclusions.

14. Love Stability • Robert Sternburg’s“Triangle Model of Love” illustrates three foundational ingredients that are vital in a healthy-balanced marital relationship between a man and a woman. Sternburg describes love as a triangle which of course has three sides. These three sides/ingredients are: passion, intimacy and commitment. If one side is neglected within the relationship then the relationship itself is unbalanced and lacking stability. Sternburg also refers to this triangle as the ingredient for consummate love. • Les Parrott, and Leslie Parrott, “Saving your marriage before it starts: Seven questions to ask before–and after–you marry,” (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006):37. According to Dictionary.com, consummate is defined as bringing to a state of perfection; fulfill, and to complete (the union of a marriage) by the first marital sexual intercourse. ________________________________ • The fulfillment of love was demonstrated in action by God and His son Yeshua Ha Mashiach (Jesus, the Christ). God’s love was shown through His committed plan of salvation for humanity shadowed in the Old Testament and manifested in the New Testament. It is declared in John 3:16 that “God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son…” This truth was illustrated when God sacrificed His only begotten son for us. Fulfillment

15. Notes & Objective: • Dr. John Hobbs, A professor at Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary states, “I really like this whole concept of Consummate Love. It gives us a great picture of what our relationships can be like if we just work really hard at them. To me, that is the key = hard work. None of these three things come easily to a couple, no matter how much they love each other.” Passion- is the one area that we think will always be there, without much effort. It starts out so strong, and we convince ourselves that it will never fade. But for most couples, after years of living together, working through differences, raising kids, and enduring many good times as well as bad ones, life does take its toll and passion fades. If we do not put time and effort and creativity into our marriage on a regular basis, we will begin to wonder where the magic has gone. (Song of Solomon)” • Objectives: Couple will understand the basis/foundation/ingredients of love that is whole (passion, Intimacy and commitment). They will see how Jesus fulfilled and demonstrated acts of love and sacrifice which is required and warranted in a marriage. • The couple will express their understanding of the connection between the love that Jesus manifested and the love that is displayed in marriage and translate this to the ministry in marriage later on.

16. Fulfillment of Love cont: • The Bible shows how Jesus’ love was constant and displayed in a selfless act of giving of Him-self. Jesus says in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” In this act He demonstrated grace, unconditional love, mercy, sacrifice, and forgiveness. • During Calvary, Jesus unselfishly gave His life for the benefit of others and He tolerated shame. He sacrificed His life. Jesus also endured hardship and persecution, and covered those who believed on Him through the shedding of His blood. • Reflecting on all of these acts of love between the father and Christ, a biblical approach to a consummate love within marriage begins with first loving God who is love, and understanding God’s paradigm of love.

17. “The Ministry In Marriage” The Book of Ephesians Chapter 5:1-33. An exegetical study will be done to understand Christian households and the role of husbands and wives and their relationship to God. Key scriptures: (vs. 21) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (22) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. (25) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…(33).

18. The Ministry in Marriage Cont… Some may ask the question, “What kind of ministry is producedor displayed through the marriage covenant?” Well, ministry can be displayed through marital, familial and friendship-relationships by the way couples and families demonstrate God’s love, grace, forgiveness, favor, giving, sharing, sacrifice, suffering, unselfish acts, counseling, and so much more. The heart of God can be mimicked or reenacted (re-created or performed) through our relationships.

19. Recommendation: Take The Free “Ultimate Marriage Test” on Christianmarriagetoday.com and come back to discuss results. The test can be conducted during session, class or discussions. This is the 25 Question Ultimate Marriage Test. Questions are about marriage, divorce, sex, and more. Some questions may appear to have more than one answer, choose the best answer. http://www.christian-marriage-today.com The test can be completed on sheets of paper or online as homework and answers can be printed out and brought in as a session topic/discussion. Correct answers are revealed on website after test is completed. There is a score on this test.

20. Week Three Establishing Intimacy Understanding love languages, intimacy verses sex and love. Honesty about our expectations. Co-Action

21. Attributes, perceptions, beliefs, personal characteristics, likes and dislikes: • Am I in love with you? • Am I attracted to you? • Do you love yourself? • Why are we getting married? • What do we have in common? • What are your long term personal, career, and ministry goals? • What do I see in him/her? • Do you think the nature of our relationship will change after the wedding & marriage? • Where do you see us in 20 years? • Do you gamble or drink liquor and spirits (strong drink)? • How attractive would you rate me on a scale from 1-10? • Are you easily tempered? • Have you ever hit/slap/pushed the opposite sex? Why? *Compatibility Questionnaire* A Questionnaire designed for engaged couples to Utilize in counseling as a tool to gather information about each other and to discuss responses and results. It will reveal expectations, beliefs, perceptions, values, desires, history and assumptions.

22. Attributes, perceptions, beliefs, personal characteristics, likes and dislikes continued: • What are your triggers? Why? • Are you a jealous person? • Are you an emotional person? • Are you affectionate? • Are you a romantic? ____ How? • Do you have a criminal record? • Do you have any trust issues or insecurity? • How do you think I see you? • How important is communication to you? • What’s your favorite kind of music? • Are we going to travel? • Do you have a fear of flying? • Do you think it is important to remain faithful? • Are you comfortable talking with me?

23. Family History, Preferences, Health, other Interests: • What was your childhood like? • Was your family close and affectionate? • Do you think we will have problems with your family during the holidays? • What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage? • What do you like and dislike about your family? • What do you like and dislike about my family? • What do you like and dislike about your parents' marriage? • What do you like and dislike about my parents' marriage? • Are you or your family prejudice against any other culture or race? • Do you like to visit family and go to family reunions? ___________ • How would you describe yourself? How important is affirmation to me? • Do I handle compliments well?

24. Family History, preferences, health, other interests cont… • What is your love language? (Giving words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch) • Will you verbally tell me that you love me? • Do you think we listen to one another well? • Do you think it is important to know one another's physical and mental health histories? • How do you feel about healthy eating? • Are you a visionary? • Are you a mover/shaker? (Active or influential in some field of endeavor?) • Do you procrastinate? • Or are you tenacious and determined to complete tasks and goals? • Explain (optional): ___________________

25. Compatibility Continued: • Who is going to be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time? • Do you consider going to the movies and having a vacation every year a necessity or a luxury? • What are our financial goals? • Do you have any outstanding fines or debts? • Do you know your partner’s credit score? Mortgage? Car note? School loans? • What are our future plans for purchasing a home? • Do you have a desire to move out of the state in the future? • Do we think both of our names should be on the house deeds and title? • Who do we leave the house to? • Do we both know where our important financial documents are located?

26. Intimacy, Family Planning and Dealing with Conflict: • Do you believe that the man/husband should have the last say in marital conflicts or decisions? • What type of birth control should we use if we want to postpone or prevent parenthood? • Do you like children? • Do you want to have children? And if so, how many? • How long should we be married before having children? • What kind of parent do you think you will be? • Do you feel a male infant should be circumcised? • What is your parenting style (authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, passive, own philosophy)? (Definitions are on the next page).

27. Definitions-Authoritarian: Strict, rigid, commanding, demanding, accepts no feedback or explanation from children regardless of the circumstances, give severe punishments. Indulgent: lenient. Allows immature and childish behavior. Expects children to learn from their mistakes and to fend for themselves in most times of need. Tend to be democratic and allow feedback from their children on issues. Listens to both sides of an argument and usually make a compromise. Indulgent parents usually avoid confrontation with their children by all means, but do tend to be more involved and emotionally closer to their children. • Authoritative: Authoritative parents are a combination of the two styles previously mentioned. They are the happy medium. While expecting proper behavior from their children, they welcome feedback and questioning on certain issues. They're able to demand things of their children but are also able to respond to what they're child says, questions and requests. • Passive: Passive parenting is being completely uninvolved. These parents may never be home due to immaturity, work or the like. These children are usually raised by grandparents, older siblings, babysitters or themselves. There is no parental involvement at all! Further info is located at: http://www.childzilla.com/articles/69/parenting_styles.aspx

28. Compatibility Test Continued: • How do you feel about adoption? • Do you believe in practicing abstinence until marriage? • Will one of us stay home after we have children? Do you have any children already? • Can we talk about sex? • Should we talk about sex? • Are you comfortable discussing your sexual likes and dislikes? • What are your expectations of our sexual relationship? • How will we make decisions together? • Are we both willing to face into difficult areas or do we try to avoid conflict? • Do you think we have issues or problems in our relationship that we need to deal with before our wedding? • How are we different? • Do you think our differences will create problems in our marriage? • Do you expect or have a desire for me to change? The Compatibility Questionnaire does not have to be all filled out at one time. Couples will be asked to fill out specific sections that are also compatible with each sessional goals throughout the curriculum/counseling/coaching to discuss and explore. There is no right and wrong answers but only room for discussions, differences, compare and contrasts, and compromise. Couples will have to opportunity to elaborate on their responses at home and during sessions.

29. Empathy, Beliefs, and Spiritual Expectations • Do believe in the baptism of the Holy Ghost? • Do you speak and/or pray in Tongues as the Holy Spirit gives utterance? • Do you believe in the power of prayer? • Do you believe in women preachers? • Do you believe in the 5 fold ministerial gifts to the body? • Can we both forgive easily? • Is it hard for you to say “I’m sorry?” • Are we both willing to work on our communication and share intimately with each other? • Do we handle conflict well? • Do you think faith and spirituality are important in a marriage? • How do you view God? • How do you feel about attending separate churches? • Do you believe in attending Sunday services consistently or once in a while? • Are we going to read and/or study the Bible together sometimes?

30. Recreational and Interests: • Fishing………… …… __Yes __No • Skating/Ice Skating… __Yes __No • Bowling……………… __Yes __No • Movies………………. __Yes __No • Tennis……………… __Yes __No • Golf…………………. __Yes __No • Exercise/Fitness…… __Yes __No • Traveling…………… __Yes __No • Horseback Riding…. __Yes __No • Outdoor Brunch/lunch (aka picnic) __Yes __No • Music Interests __Gospel __Jazz __R&B __Hip Hop __Pop __Country • Dining out…………… __Yes __No • Cooking……………… __Yes __No • Family gatherings, reunions/ • Sunday dinners with guests… __Yes __No • Marriage Retreats… __Yes __No

31. Week Four Dating /Accountability Holy Spirit in The Midst: • Jude 1:20-21, “But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, (21) keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.” • Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12, ‘Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: (10) If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. (11)Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? (12)Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” • II Peter 1:3, “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” The Holy Spirit’s role in the life of the Believer and how He empowers Believers to live lead godly-lives. Couples will focus on the Holy Spirit’s power to enable them to build each other up instead of tearing down, the importance of praying in the Holy Spirit to stay in-tuned with God and be attentive to His voice-direction-correction-conviction-acts of love an obedience. Couples will also be reminded or taught (if new in the faith and in the knowledge of the word) how it’s vital for them to filled with the baptism of the Holy Spirit to walk and live in the Spirit (Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit…If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. ...Galatians 5:25-NIV) it is to include and allow the Holy Spirit to govern the flesh (For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. ... Romans 8:5).

32. Facilitator’s Action Plan: Dating /Accountability Follow up Session • Counselor/Couple will do a mini progress note on the couple and reflect from previous sessions before moving on to the next sessional goals. • Couple will follow up from previous session about allowing the Holy Spirit to be the governor and in the midst of their relationship now before marriage even begins in order for them to begin the marriage in agreement and in the righteousness of God. • This session will also focus on accountability from saved friends and family members, and even those who respect what the Bible says can play a part of accountability to help the couple stay focus and away from sexually tempting each other. Here, couples can express their individual ideas of dating and compare those ideas to biblical principles and staying inside those principles. They will also understand how important it is to be accountable to each other and see each other as brothers and sisters in Christ first! • After the follow up, a 18 biblical-based sex test will given to the couple to fill out in session and an open-heart discussion will follow to bring clarity and for biblical explanation and authority on the topic of sex, and how the Holy Spirit also plays a role in our decision-making.

33. "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure" (Heb. 13:4). We have to be careful not bring strange perverted practices into the bedroom. Some sexual practices stem from pagan and perverted cults and our society has a history of adopting just about every form of sensuality there is. Sexual intimacy is special intimate gift and is a spiritual, emotional exchange-slash-method for reproduction/co-creation. Cheryl Y. Howard

34. http://www.christian-marriage-today.com/bible-test.html

35. Conclusion: 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; (20) you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” Responses will be shared, explored and discussed. http://www.christian-marriage-today.com/bible-test.html

36. Answers to Bible Sex Test: 1. Jesus said if a man looks at a woman with lust he has committed Adultery.2. The Bible says that husbands and wives should only deprive one another from sex if it is for fasting and prayer. True3. What did David do after seeing Bathsheba bathing? Had sex with her, Had her husband killed, and married her.4.How many sexual no-no's are recorded in the Bible? 8 - adultery, fornication, homosexuality, incest, lustful passions, prostitution, beastiality, rape5. What did the men of Sodom want to do with the two angels that came to visit Lot? Have sex with them6. The Bible says oral sex between a husband and wife is sinful False7. The Bible says that sex was created only for the enjoyment of the husband. False8. As long as the couple agrees, anything is permissable in the bedroom. False9. Pornography is an acceptable practice for Christian couples. False10. Thou shalt not commit adultery is the 7th commandment11. Sex before marriage is called Fornication12. Anytime sex takes place outside of the marriage bed, God considers it... Sexually immoral13. Scripturally speaking, because the husband is the head he should be the aggressor in the bedroom. False14. When it comes to sexual stimulation, God created men to be more visual and women to be more emotional. True15. According to the Bible, married couples should only have sex to reproduce. False16. A common euphemism for sex in the Bible...To know17. What did Joseph do when Potiphar's wife made sexual advances towards him? Ran away leaving his coat behind18. Paul said if single people cannot contain themselves sexually, it is better to marry than to Burn

37. Week Five The Issues of Life-BringThem Does he or she really know you? Thought about discussing those issues that matter? Is there something you forgot to share that will manifest later? Are you being honest? Does he/she see some of your baggage? Before you unpack and put away your belongings, let him/her see what’s in your suitcase. What old STUFF are you bringing with you? As many of us know, the process of dating and courting is the time of understanding and learning of that special someone you are thinking about spending the rest of your life with but do they know about those present or past things that would affect the new relationship that may be leading to marriage? Take a moment to share, explore and discuss responses in love while LISTENING!

38. Handling Conflict Blockages (Schisms-Separation-Discord-Dispersion, Disagreement, Broken Harmony) Taking note and directives from: Romans 8:38-39 New International Version (NIV) For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Philippians 4:5:Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. • Philippians 4: 5-7-New International Version (NIV) • Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. • The Book of Philippians 4:8 states, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” • Romans 12:2 tells us to renew our minds so we can display and put into practice, “God’s good, and acceptable, and perfect will.” • Philippians 2-King James Version (KJV) If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, Fulfill ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus. • This session will focus on Renewing the mind; developing a mindset that says “we will let nothing separate us”

39. Optimism vs. Negativity • One way that couples could see positives attributes in each other and respond to each with optimism would be first to encourage each partner to use positive affirmations to combat their own personal negative irrational thoughts and perceptions. A person who can easily encourage and maintain optimism towards his/hers fiancé`/loved one but practice negative self–talk on his/her self counteracts good communication and intimacy and warrants negativity from his/her partner. • This behavior can cancel out any positive or optimistic attitude or behavior from the other person because a positive + negative = negative-. Positive self-talk may need to be developed as it may be a new behavior to learn for the negative or pessimistic individual in the relationship. Moreover, Parrott states, “Learning to choose your attitude is not easy, but once measured, a positive attitude paves the way for a fulfilling marriage.” Positive self-talk may need to be developed as it may be a new behavior to learn for the negative or pessimistic individual in the relationship. Moreover, Parrott states, “Learning to choose your attitude is not easy, but once measured, a positive attitude paves the way for a fulfilling marriage.” Les Parrott, and Leslie Parrott, “Saving your marriage before it starts: Seven questions to ask before–and after–you marry,” (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006): 63. Counselor will engage couple in role-plays and present scenarios that illustrate optimism/positivity and negativity to get an ideal of how it feels to change the their perspective/beliefs if needed.

40. Week Six Now Let’s Talk About It! Let’s Reason Together! "Come now, let us settle the matter," says the LORD…” Isaiah 1:18 NIV Commitment / Communication / Expectations • Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying... • This session will focus on healthy communication while discussing true feelings about what each partner feels and expects from the other. • This session will encourage couples to discuss their ideal marriage and learn how to engage in active and empathic listening. • Each other’s Attributes, perceptions, beliefs, personal characteristics, personal & family values, desires and assumptions, and likes and dislikes will be explored by the counselor and individuals/couples. • A questionnaire will be given as homework assignment and open heart discussion during next session as we go into Passions, forgiveness and agreement (harmony) within the courting and marital relationship.

41. Commitment • 1. Promoting Commitment to Therapy • 2. Promoting Commitment to marriage • 3. Helping couples to understand the implications of divorce • 4. Help couples understand commitment while courting • 5. Ways to Avoid Divorce-By Best Means Necessary • Dr. Worthington states, • “Commitment is multifaceted. It includes partner’s long-term fidelity to each other, but other commitments are also important-commitments to trying to change, attending counseling as one way they will try to change, following most of counselor’s suggestions about how to try to change, preventing competitors from encroaching into the relationship, and loving God”-Everett, L. Worthington, (1999). Hope-focused marriage counseling, (Downers Grove: Inter Varsity Press). Interventions/Approaches from Worthington’s Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling can be used to help couples understand the seriousness of commitment and divorce.

42. Communication: Passion/Forgiveness/Agreement Listening is said to be “a forgotten skill” according to Madelyn Burley-Allen. One main goal to help premarital or married couples with effective communication would be to reiterate their need to be more as one, and come more together on several issues instead of clashing and misinterpreting each other’s responses frequently. Some couples find it hard to move on and grow as a couple. Reconciliation of past offenses or misunderstanding can keep a couple stuck in endless circles of blame and resentment. Couples can purposed themselves to have the same mindset based on affirmations such as-we are in this thing together; we are on the same team; in all of our getting let us get an understanding (Prov.4:7); We will always respect each other no matter the differences and so on. There would be an improvement in their communication towards each other. Madelyn Burley-Allen, Listening: The Forgotten Skill, 2nd ed., (New York: John Wiley & Sons, c1995).

43. Communication cont… Learning Yours & Each other’s Cognitive Processes & its Origins • To develop the skill communication, you must PAY ATTENTION to yourself and loved-ones. • This sort of self-awareness can teach you a lot about yourself and your potential mate/prospect, fiancé and why you or he/she feel, think or believe the way you or he or she they does. • Be aware of internal (physical-emotional-psychological/internal noise) and external (outside noise-environmental-distractions) barriers to listening and communicating. • Acknowledge that our own experiences, familial relations, and events all influence our thought processes and perceptions which are not necessarily valid (maybe only in our own minds). • Explore the Passive, Assertive and Aggressive types of communication-then identify your pattern or most-used type. • Remember that we process many of our information through filters (childhood experiences, past/present trauma, images, assumptions, old-wives tales, prejudices, memories, values, beliefs and more) (Burley-Allen, 1995). • All of the above will help you develop the skill of attunement and healthier communication skills because of the effort you put into each to hear what is being said with empathy, inside of yourself & theirs (attempting to understand-putting yourself in the other person’s shoes). HW: Practice all of the above (intentional & purposeful communication) and share and discuss the difference and how it helps your relationships.

44. EXPECTATIONS (HEALTHY/REALISTIC) • AFTER completing questionnaires, sharing and discussing, your expectations of each other should become more clear and realistic based on responses. • There should less or no more guessing, assumptions and conclusions based on ignorance (unaware of the other’s feelings, thoughts, beliefs and values). • You both should have more clarity about you both desire or expect from each other, what marriage looks like through each of your own lens, understand each other’s call, purpose, goal and hope for the future. • HW Recommendation: Create a vision board/book/journal of your expectations of marriage is and what you want from each other. Again; Share, Explore & Discuss. Visual aides are reinforcements and images that can leave a long-lasting impression making it easier to remember and reflect.

45. Interacting with couples’ responses from compatibility Questionnaire. And coaching them during their discussion when needed. Topics will include: Bank accounts; children; family (siblings/parents) boundaries; education; career; home; health; traveling; outside friendships; and other pertinent subjects. Week Seven Family Planning /Family & Friend Relationships/ Household / Finances / Life Goals and more.

46. Household / Financial Planning Responses from the financial and household questions on the compatibility questionnaire will be discussed with couple(s). Focusing on compromise and setting realistic goals and planning. It is important for couples to be able to come together and discuss serious topics and when making decisions on household, financial and career and educational concerns/plans/goals.

47. Decisions and Distribution of Responsibilities & Finances after the Wedding Ceremony Questionnaire: • Do you expect me to tell you where I am all of the time? • Do you expect me to ask you for permission to do things first? • Can we each pursue our own interests? • How would you feel if I want a night out with my friends now and then? • How will we make sure we have quality time together? • How much time will we spend with our in-laws? • Can we talk about money? • Are you a saver or spender when it comes to money? • How much do we owe in debts and what are our assets? • Do you want to have a budget? • Where does our money go? • Should we have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both?

48. Decisions and Distribution of Responsibilities & Finances after the Wedding Ceremony Questionnaire cont… • Who will handle to budget, both or either one? Are you handy around the house (mild plumbing, painting, electronics, assembling furniture…)? • Will you take turns with me cleaning the toilet? • Will you take off your shoes before walking across the floor? • Do you throw you clothes on the floor? • Are you a neat person or organized? • How are we going to divide up the household chores? (Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry). • How do you like to spend yours or our days off? • What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time? • Do you believe that we should be doing everything together? • Are we going to give each other space? • Do you need time alone?

49. Week EightSummarize/PreparationDischarge Session Can be utilized by facilitators or couples • Summarizing and Reflection of guide • Life Application of lessons/information • Feedback from Couple(s) • Final informed decisions: I do? I don’t? • Supply couples with a list of warning signs/awareness from each other or within their families that may be detrimental to their relationship • Check in with couple before the wedding/ceremony day • Schedule a Follow up date 3 months after wedding/ceremony

50. Resources Tim & Julie Clinton’s Book/Judge Lynn Toler’s Book/Tim Clinton & PatSpringle Amazonnotes, “Therapist, Dr. Tim Clinton and his wife, Julie, show couples how to effectively steer through the difficult waters of marriage. With tools for discovering the basics, barriers, and benefits of becoming soul mates…” (Amazon.com). Amazon notes, “So what's causing so many divorces and, perhaps even more importantly, what are we to do about it if we want marriage to survive? “ (Amazon.com) Amazon notes, “When does true love give in? When does true love push back? Break Through by Dr. Tim Clinton and Pat Springle shows you how to love and how to set effective limits so that everybody wins” (Amazon.com).