How to Win Friends & Influence People

How to Win Friends & Influence People Book Review by Daniel Kwitko

Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People • 1. “If You want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive” • 2. The Big Secret of Dealing With People • 3. “He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way”

“If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive” • Criticism is pointless and dangerous because it wounds someone's pride and puts them on the defensive. • By criticizing we do not make lasting long-term changes and as a result incur resentment. • Its human nature to respond better to positive reinforcement instead over negative punishment. • Confucius said “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbors roof when your own doorstep is unclean.” • Abraham Lincoln learned this lesson at a young age as a lawyer.

The Big Secret of Dealing With People • The only way to make someone want to do something is to make them want it for themselves. • Let people know that you appreciate them often. • When complimenting someone don’t be blunt…tell them how they are doing something well. • One virtue that is greatly neglected is appreciation. • Flattery is transparent….give honest appreciation.

“He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way” • Think always in terms of another persons point of view in order to see things from their angle. • Arouse an eager to want in another person. Make them want something for themselves. Inspire confidence. • Each party in this type of negotiation should gain something.

Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You • 1. Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere • 2. A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression • 3. If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble • 4. An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist • 5. How to Interest People • 6. How to Make People Like You Instantly

Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere • People are most interested in themselves. • You can make more friends by being genuinely interested in them than by trying to get other people interested in you. • If we want to make friends put ourselves out there for other people that require unselfishness. • Greet people with enthusiasm.

A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression • Actions speak louder than words. • Give real heartwarming smiles…not fake insincere ones • Seek happiness…this comes from the inside and not outward conditions. • Lincoln stated “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” • Be proactive and choose to be happy.

If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble • Sometimes it is difficult to remember names so people come up with simple nicknames. • DO NOT use nicknames or abbreviated names….make the effort to learn a name and how to say it. • People are proud of their names. • Remembering someone names shows that person that you are genuine and sincere.

An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist • Being a good listener will make you a good conversationalist. • The people you are talking to are way more interested in themselves and their problem. • Ask questions and encourage people to talk about themselves. • Focus on their accomplishments .

How to Interest People • Talking focused on other peoples interest benefits both parties. • Before speaking to someone do research on them. • Talk to them about what interests them the most. • By studying them and what they like, the other person will become more open and comfortable with you.

How to Make People Like You Instantly • There is one all-important law of human conduct- Always make the other person feel important! • Give unto others what we would have other give unto us. • You can work this magic everyday. • Recognize others importance sincerely because most likely they will have a superior attitude towards you. • This is a sure way to their hearts.

Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking • 1. You Can’t Win an Argument • 2. A Sure Way of Making Enemies-and How to Avoid It. • 3. If You’re Wrong, Admit It • 4. A Drop of Honey • 5. The Secret of Socrates • 6. The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking cont. • 7. How to Get Cooperation • 8. A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You • 9. What Everybody Wants • 10. An Appeal That Everybody Likes • 11. The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It? • 12. When Nothing Else Works, Try This

You Can’t Win an Argument • A majority of the times, an argument just ends with both sides convinced that they are right. • You cant win an argument because even if you literally do win it, the loser feels inferior because you hurt their pride. • Always control your temper, point out areas of agreement, listen, and give them a chance to express their points. • Best thing to do is avoid arguments all together.

A Sure Way of Making Enemies-and How to Avoid It. • You cant tell people they are wrong because it is a direct blow to their intelligence and will hurt their feelings. • If you are going to prove something so it subtly. • When contradicting someone, always used phrases such as “I may be wrong.” • Respect other’s opinions, admit when you are wrong, and be diplomatic when proving points.

If You’re Wrong, Admit It • Be humble and admit that you are wrong. This will resolve any conflict quicker. • Be eager to criticize yourself if you are wrong. This will take any fight left in your opponent out. • Any fool can defend their mistakes, but admitting your mistakes is noble and makes you stand out above the rest. • Admitting your mistakes brings a certain feeling of satisfaction.

A Drop of Honey • Nobody will want to agree with you if you go off on them while expressing a point. Be respectful about proving your point and they will receive it better. • Show non threatening body language. Do not clench your fists or appear aggressive. • Always begin in a friendly way. • Abraham Lincoln said “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

The Secret of Socrates • Begin conversations and arguments by emphasizing things you agree on, not on which you differ. • Keep reaffirming that you both are looking for the same end, but only differ on the method to achieve it. • Get “yes” responses in order to capture the attention of our proposal. • The “Socratic method” is asking questions in which the opponent would have to agree. Your opponents will always end embracing your conclusion.

The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints • Let the other person do most of the talking. Listen patiently with an open mind and ask questions. • Encourage them to express everything as much as they want. • Do not interrupt if you disagree with them. Let them talk everything out of their system. • Build people up instead of surpassing them. If you are doing well encourage others to follow. This way you are building them up with you.

How to Get Cooperation • Nobody likes to feel like they are being told to do something. • We rather feel that we are acting on our own without any outside influence. • Let the other person feel that the idea is their own. • In order to get cooperation ask for advice.

A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You • Even if someone is completely wrong do not condemn them. Try to understand their point of view by being tolerant. • Try to put yourself in their shoes. • When tensions become overwhelming, try looking through an others eyes. • By looking at another's point of view you can understand them on a whole level resulting in admiration instead of disrespect.

What Everybody Wants • The magic phrase that stops arguments, “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” • A majority of the people you meet will want some kind of sympathy. If you give it to them they will love and trust you. • Be respectful and sympathetic of others opinions and desires.

An Appeal That Everybody Likes • All people you meet will have a high regard for themselves. • They will be unselfish in their own ways. • All of us like to find motives that sound good. • In order to change people appeal to nobler motives. • Put your decision out there and sit on it. Do not make brash decisions. Think it over for a little bit.

The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It? • You cannot simply just state the truth. • The truth has to be vivid and dramatic. • You should dramatize your ideas in all aspects of life to really get your point across. • Always be honest when dramatizing your ideas. Do not misconstrue dramatizing with falsifying.

When Nothing Else Works, Try This • Every successful person likes playing the game of life. They enjoy proving themselves and their worth to others. All in the effort to win. • Encourage competition in order to excel. • Stimulate competition by throwing down the gauntlet. This will appeal to people with spirit because they will fight for what they earn.

Part 4: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment • 1. If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin • 2. How to Criticize-and Not Be Hated for It • 3. Talk About Your Own Mistakes First • 4. No One Likes To Take Orders • 5. Let The Other Person Save Face • 6. How to Spur People On to Success

Part 4: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment cont. • 7. Give a Dog a Good Name • 8. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct • 9. Making People Glad to Do What You Want

If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin • It is always easier to hear unpleasant things about you after we have heard praise about our good points. • Just like a barber lathering your face before a shave. • Always begin with praise and appreciation before finding fault in someone. • Just like a dentist giving Novocain before drilling a cavity…..the pain is certainly not as intense.

How to Criticize-and Not Be Hated for It • Many people will begin criticizing someone with a sincere phrase. • However, this is followed by the word “but” and lastly a critical conclusion. • The “but” and critical statement distract from the sincere phrase. • In order to prevent this contradiction, replace “but with “and.” • If you are going to call out peoples mistakes do it indirectly.

Talk About Your Own Mistakes First • Humility in conversation brings about human relation miracles. • Admitting your own mistakes can bring you down to someone else’s level resulting in an increased level of trust. • Even if someone else hasn’t called you out, admitting your own faults can get others to realize they have to do the same. • Do not criticize until you have mentioned your own faults first.

No One Likes To Take Orders • Allow people to do things themselves and do not demand others to do things. • Let people learn from their mistakes. This saves a persons pride because they do not feel like a subordinate. • Do not give orders…..give suggestions. • Also, ask questions of people instead of ordering them around.

Let The Other Person Save Face • What a man thinks of themselves is more important than what others think of him. • Do not diminish another person by belittling them. • Breaking someone down is not proactive. • Instead let that person save face in the situation.

How to Spur People On to Success • Praise people on their improvements no matter how slight they are. • Praise people on specific accomplishments. • Nobody wants insincere flattery. • Talk about changing people in order to inspire. • This might make them realize their hidden strengths and talents.

Give a Dog a Good Name • In order to improve a certain aspect of a person, act as if the one particular trait that you want to have them improve is already one of their best traits. • Give someone a good reputation to live up to. Make them aspire for good things so that they want to achieve them. • They will make all the effort in the world to live up to their given name and reputation.

Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct • Always encourage to inspire confidence in order to make the fault seem minimal and easy to correct. • Let the person with the fault know that you believe in them. • Be positive when critiquing others by letting them know they have a natural talent in the fault they are trying to correct. • Get them to want to practice until they are proficient in the task at hand.

Making People Glad to Do What You Want • Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. • Be honest and sincere. Do not promise insurmountable goals. • Have specific goals for the person. Make sure you know exactly what you want them to do. • Be empathetic by putting yourself in someone else's shoes. • Keep the other persons wants in mind when making suggestions.

Connecting to Class Content • The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People Connection to The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Part Two: Private Victory • Criticizing others is a short term emotional outlet. Instead of sitting down with someone and working on a plan for improvement, sometimes people resort to criticizing instead. • These unplanned outbursts are done with having the end in mind. The focus needs to be on an end result that benefits everyone. • This would require a proactive approach. Being proactive requires a leader to look at the overall picture, especially with the end in mind, and not react off emotions. By thinking of the positives and not criticizing, a leader can leave a greater impact. • The books do disagree in regards to the two sections being compared. Habit Three in the & Habits book focuses on putting first things first, or focusing on your highest priorities and saying no when you have to. Chapter Three in the How to Win Friends book focuses on seeing things from another's perspective and putting their wants above your own.

Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You Connection to The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Part Three: Public Victory • Part Two in the How to Win Friends book focuses on greeting people with enthusiasm, actions speak louder than words, valuing names, listen, and make others feel important. The fourth habit, win-win, focuses on maturity and integrity. • Integrity utilizes all of the main focuses of part two of the How to Win Friends book. Someone with integrity values themselves and others so they will make the effort to listen to them and make them feel important.

Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking Connection to Part Four: Renewal • Part three focuses on getting people to accept and agree with your way of thinking. This also means not arguing with others. You cannot force your opinions on others. Also, if you are wrong admit it. True leaders display humility. Part Four: Renewal focuses on becoming a smart keen leader. The greatest asset in Part Four is yourself. • They connect in that they both focus on the leader and what they need to do to be effective. They differ in that How to Win Friends looks at success as followers buying into your vision, while The 7 Habits looks at personal accomplishes in physical, social, mental, and spiritual respects. • How to Win Friends and Influence People focuses on getting others to accept you and your leadership, while The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People focuses more on the leader and their personal victories in all aspects of life.

Part 4: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment Connection to All 7 Habits of Highly Effective People • Part Four in How to Win Friends focuses on admitting your own faults before criticizing others, giving suggestions over orders, and letting the other person save face. The 7 Habits Book relates in regards to Habit 6: Synergize. Habit 6 emphasizes the importance of teamwork and finding new solutions to old problems. • They both relate in that they stress the importance of group work to solve problems. They differ in that How to Win friends looks at the interpersonal relationships that occur within the groups while the 7 Habits looks more at an overhead view of group work.

Highlights and Criticisms of How to Win Friends and Influence People. • I really connected with this book and enjoyed it immensely. Dale Carnegies use of stories in each chapter to demonstrate his points provided a way to seek ideas in action. Also, I am a huge Abraham Lincoln fan so seeing Carnegie incorporate him so much throughout the book was an added perk. • Dale Carnegie also stressed the importance of empathy throughout the book. By understanding ourselves completely we can successfully be empathetic towards others. • Self awareness allows us to understand others and be proactive. We can rise above the situation and realize what we must do to make friends and influence people. • The one issue I had with this book is that it focuses on how we can make others happier and more comfortable under leadership. I would have liked to read more on improving oneself before helping others, but luckily for me The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People covers what How to Win Friends and Influence People does not.

Works Cited Carnegie, D. (1981). How to Win Friends and Influence People (Rev. ed.). New York: Simon and Schuster. Covey, S. R. (2013). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (25th anniversary ed.). London: Simon & Schuster.

How to Win Friends & Influence People