Choosing Marriage: The Engagement

1. Choosing Marriage:The Engagement Chapter 31-1 Family Living

2. Journal • Describe readiness. How does someone know when they are ready to get married? (5 complete sentences)

3. Choosing Marriage • On page 604, read the ‘Words for Thought’ box. • Do you agree with this quotation? • Which would be harder, being the right person or finding the right person? Why?

4. Purposes of Engagement • What is the first step? • An engagement is a promise or intention to marry. • Partners declare themselves ready to accept the commitment and responsibilities of marriage.

5. Engagement Period • Time to prepare for the wedding. • Time to prepare for the marriage. • Which is most important? • Is that the way our society views it?

6. Commitment • Engaged couples usually make a formal commitment that involves: • Promising to continue the relationship. • Giving up other relationships. • Limiting personal activities. • Expressing personal feelings of attachment. • Willingness to accept behavior that goes with engagement and marriage.

7. Gender Differences • Men believe that commitment involves having fun, being good companions, and respecting freedom of each partner. • Women see it as a dedication to the relationship and sexual exclusiveness. • Men tend to think women view it the same as them, women often recognize the differences.

8. Learning About Each Other • Couples take time to make sure they really know each other. • Each should be comfortable with aspects of spending, cleanliness, and food preferences. • Fewer surprises will lead to a more fulfilling marriage.

9. Identifying Differences • Fact-finding helps identify and deal with differences. • Problems caused by differences can often be solved easier before the marriage than after.

10. Practical Matters • Before the marriage, a couple should decide: • Where to live. • Rent, buy, one move in with another • How to manage money. • Joint bank accounts, spending, bill paying. • Children. • How many? When? Care?

11. Practical Matters • Careers. • Will you both work? • In-law issues. • How will you handle them? Will they stay with you when they visit? • What happens if the couple doesn’t agree?

12. Developing Teamwork • During the engagement, couples start to see themselves as ‘we’ rather than ‘I’ • What is the significance of this?

13. Establishing New Relationships • Spouse is often included in family activities. • A growing number of those married before and with children must make those connections. • Engagement can be a valuable time before one becomes a step-parent.

14. Relationships • An engaged couple typically spends more time with their families after an engagement. • What might cause this shift? • Why are workable relationships with family members needed before the wedding?

15. Seeking Advice • Premarital Counseling is required for some marriages. • Good counseling helps couples focus on their reasons for marrying by addressing these questions: • How or why did you fall in love? Was it quick and unexplainable or did I occur for reasons you both understand?

16. Seeking Advice • What, right now, is your partner’s most endearing trait? Is it a long-lasting quality? Will it seem appealing in the future? • When you’re with your partner, do you naturally “put your best foot forward”? Do you have to remind yourself to show respect and courtesy?

17. Seeking Advice • Do you and your partner reveal your weaknesses, fears, and mistakes to each other? Are you both accepting of each other?

18. Time/Length • Engagements have customarily been a year in length. • What do you think of this length? • What about a month? • What about 2-4 years? • What are the advantages and disadvantages of each?

19. Living Together • The most recent research on the relationship between living together and marital success has shown that living together is negatively associated with marital quality and positively associated with divorce. That is, couples who lived together before they were married were more likely to be unhappy and divorce than those who didn’t. • Why might this be true? • Does living together cause unhappiness and divorce? • Do certain values affect this?

20. Assignment • Interview a parent or someone that you know that is married about the circumstances of his or her engagement and marriage. • How old were they at the time? • How old when married? • How did they celebrate the engagement? • How long was the engagement? • What are your best and worst memories from the engagement?

21. Building a Strong Marriage Family Living

22. Marriages • Historically marriages have been arranged, based on: • Financial • Religion • Illness in Family • Character of Parents

23. Types of Marriages • Institutional Marriage: Male authority • Conform to social norms • Early 20th century: companionship and sexual fulfillment became norms for successful marriage • Basic needs not as important now

24. Types of Marriages • Companionship Marriage: Emphasis on affection, friendship, and sexual gratification • 1950’s bargain= homemaker + breadwinner • Changed by mid 1960’s

25. Types of Marriages • Individualized Marriage: • “Am I being fulfilled?” • Roles more flexible-feminist movement • Challenges male authority, “What am I benefiting from this?” • Internal criteria- personal fulfillment, emotional satisfaction, etc.

26. Marriage Models • Specialization Model: Marriage market model- women specialize in housework and childcare. Men paid outside the home. • Income Pooling Model: Both spouses contribute to the family income, greater acceptance of women outside. Results in marriage age increase.

27. Covenant Marriage • Introduced in 20 states • Envisioned as a way of strengthening marriage for children • “upgrade” marriages

28. Covenant Marriage • Strengthens marriage by: • Mandating premarital counseling • Sign a legal document • Limited grounds for divorce • More difficult and time consuming

29. Covenant Marriage • Cons: harder to end abusive marriages • Legal complexities- different among states • How much counseling is enough? • Pros: Symbolic power of law • Spirit of choice