www.teensofdivorce.com TEENS OF DIVORCE

1. www.teensofdivorce.comTEENS OF DIVORCE (AND SEPARATION)

2. My parents have separated/divorced, now what? • My own story.

3. WHY DOES DIVORCE/SEPARATION HAPPEN? • AFFAIRS • FALLING OUT OF LOVE • DRUG/ALCOHOL ABUSE • ABUSE – PHYSICAL, MENTAL, VERBAL, NEGLECT • MENTAL ILLNESS • ADDICTION – GAMBLING, GAMING • WORKAHOLISM • IN-LAWS (DIFFICULTY WITH) • WALK AWAY FROM FAITH

4. SURFACE REASONS VS. UNDERLYING REASONS • SURFACE REASONS • Eg. AFFAIR • UNDERLYING REASONS • EMOTIONAL DISTANCE, POOR COMMUNICATION (FIGHTING), WORKAHOLISM, NOT FEELING IMPORTANT TO THE OTHER PERSON, NOT FEELING VALIDATED, BOREDOM, NEGLECT • SURFACE REASONS VS. REASONS – DIG DEEPER TO UNDERSTAND THE WHYS OF A MARRIAGE BREAK-UP

5. CHANGES • WHAT TO EXPECT EARLY ON IN A DIVORCE OR SEPARATION • MOST SUDDEN: CHANGE IN LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: MOST OBVIOUS WILL BE THAT IN ALMOST ALL CASES, YOUR PARENTS CEASE LIVING TOGETHER • WHERE WILL YOU LIVE? SOMETIMES YOU DECIDE WHERE AND WHEN BUT MOST OFTEN YOUR PARENTS OR A THIRD PARTY WILL DECIDE • YOU MAY HAVE TO MOVE or GIVE UP FAVOURITE ACTIVITIES • YOU MAY HAVE TO LIVE PART-TIME IN TWO DIFFERENT HOUSES • WHO YOU LIVE WITH MAY CHANGE (NEW STEP-PARENT OR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND) • NEW STEP-SIBLINGS • FINANCES

6. FINANCES • Family finances usually take a nosedive when your parents split up because now there are two households to maintain, and in most cases, there is no increase in income, and this means that many “extras” and wants may have to be put on hold until the financial situation stabilizes or improves. If your Mom was previously a “stay at home Mom”, she may now have to go to work, at least part-time. Luckily as a teenager, you may have some control over your wants if you are able to get a job or even do odd jobs such as babysitting, house-sitting, paper routes etc.

7. WHAT YOU CAN DO – TO MAKE YOUR LIVING ARRANGEMENT WORK FOR YOU • MAKE EACH SPACE YOU LIVE IN AS MUCH “YOU” AS POSSIBLE • EVEN IF YOU SHARE A ROOM, TRY TO DEFINE YOUR SPACE • CREATE YOUR OWN HEADSPACE (IPOD ETC)

8. DEALING WITH AN AFFAIR • SOMETIMES IT IS EVEN BOTH OF YOUR PARENTS HAVING AFFAIRS (YES IT DOES HAPPEN!) • YOU WILL FEEL LIKE NOT ONLY WERE ONE OR BOTH OF YOUR PARENTS WERE LYING TO EACH OTHER – THEY MAY HAVE BEEN LYING TO YOU AS WELL (HIDING A SECRET) • IT IS A WAY OF LOOKING OUTSIDE OF THEIR MARRIAGE HOPING THAT SOMEONE ELSE WILL FULFILL WHAT WAS MISSING OR PROBLEMATIC • WHAT CAN YOU DO??!!

9. RECOVERY FROM AN AFFAIR • Most sources suggest that only 31-35% of marriages can survive an affair (sources www.infidelityfacts.com and www.theravive.com ) • A marriage (and family) CAN be restored after an affair if the offending person is willing to confess, repent, and make restitution to rebuild trust

10. CONFESS • The offending person needs to the affair to the people in their lives who have been affected. If your parent confesses to you, it is fair that you should be able to ask questions about what happened and why it happened.

11. REPENT (COMMIT TO CHANGING THEIR BEHAVIOUR) • the offending person needs to repent. Repent means to turn away from their wrongdoing and change their behavior immediately and promise that it will remain changed in the future. What you can do is work towards forgiving the parent who has disappointed you. Forgiveness is a process and it always the best thing for you when you are ready. Holding onto bitterness and resentment will only hurt YOU in the long run

12. RESTITUTION • Restitution is made up of the steps the offending person can take towards rebuilding trust. Apologizing, accountability, and spending quality time can all be steps in the restitution and rebuilding process. Think carefully about what you would want/need for there to be restitution with you and do not be scared to communicate these things to your parent.

13. REBUILDING TRUST • ONLY YOU can answer the question of what it will take for the offending parent to re-build trust with you. • Allowing your parent to try to rebuild trust without trying to punish them can be difficult • It takes time….. • It is OK to test your parent occasionally (not mean-spirited) to see if you can trust them

14. IF RESTORING THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT POSSIBLE • YOU will need to come to terms with this • YOU will need to decide when you will accept any new person in your parents’ life, whether as a result of an affair, or your parents’ desire to move on with their lives • According to statistics, less than 3% of relationships that start as an affair, end in marriage

15. WHERE TO PUT YOUR ENERGY • IF it has become apparent that your parents will not get back together… • If there is a new person in one or both of your parents life… • There is probably wisdom in not getting too close to a new person (that your parent is not married to) too soon – because you do not want to put yourself in the position of another hurt • You should spend most of your time and energy on: your relationship with each of your parents as individuals; your brothers and sister; extended family; close friends • Most parenting books recommend to parents that they should not introduce a new man or woman (after separation or divorce) to their children too soon and definitely not too early in the relationship. • Do not accept pressure from your parents to accept the new person before you are ready (but don’t use this as an excuse to punish them)

16. What is I am mad at my Mom/Dad – how can I want a relationship with them?! • Except in cases of imminent danger (violence, abuse , addictions, and some cases of mental illness) – it is best to maintain a relationship with BOTH of your parents • MY STORY • Harbouring bitterness and anger will only hurt you in the long-term • Counselling with your parent can be helpful especially if you feel more secure confronting your parent with a third party

17. ANSWERING THE “WHAT HAPPENED?” QUESTION • Friends and acquaintances • You should not feel obligated to give all of the details of your parents separation or divorce simply because someone asks the question. • Gossip; having someone you can trust • Choosing a good person to confide in (tips) • EXTENDED FAMILY • Your extended family is more emotionally invested so you should be cautious here because you never know when a family member may turn on you or pressure you to take sides. Usually, one parent is painted as “all good” and the other parent is painted as “all bad”. Also, they will almost always side with their own family member regardless of the situation.

18. LOYALTY • You may feel like you are being disloyal to one parent when you are with the other parent, probably more so if you are with the parent who left or who had an affair. Unfortunately, there are some circumstances where OTHER people will directly or indirectly tell you that you ARE being disloyal by being “too nice” or “too friendly” to the offending parent.

19. HANDLING HOLIDAYS • It is important to hold onto valued family traditions that you cherish and request that your parents support this as much as possible as this will lead to a sense of stability for you and your siblings and during a divorce or separation stability is a very valuable asset and can provide comfort. • CREATE your own new traditions with each parent • Go prepared (mentally) for large family gatherings as these can bring up a lot of issues (taking sides, too many question etc)

20. WHERE TO START TO GET HELP • You can look to your school teachers/counselors, youth pastor/leader, family friends, or a professional counsellor. I personally run a self-help website www.teensofdivorce.com and provide counselling services www.tanyahansencounselling.com. Another safe site would be www.focusonthefamily.com. Just be sure that if you go online to be safe and not give out personal information as the internet also has many predators looking for vulnerable teenagers.

21. SPIRITUAL LIFE – TURNING TO GOD • Turning to God CAN help you • Psalm 147: 3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds • Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you • Divorce affects us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is important to heal in all areas of our life so that we can move forward as a healthy adult 

22. STRETCH/WASHROOM BREAK

23. SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS A LOSSSTAGES OF GRIEF • SHOCK • For many teens, news of your parents separation or divorce can come as a shock. Often there are signs, which are usually easier to see in hindsight. But sometimes, especially in the case of a discovered affair, it can strike at what seems like a moments notice. In my situation, my parents did fight a lot but somehow, divorce or separation didn`t seem like something that would happen to us. In my mind, my parents argued quite a bit and that was just the way things were. Of course, this was 25 years ago when divorce and separation were far less common that they are today. When my parents told me that my Dad was leaving and why, it all just seemed unreal and unbelievable to me.

24. WHEN YOU ARE IN SHOCK • WHAT CAN HELP? • When I was in shock, I found the thing that helped the most was talking to trusted friends and trying to find others (in my case, my cousins), who could relate to what I was going through. I spent time in prayer and journaling my feelings in a diary, which was surprisingly helpful.

25. 5 STAGES OF GRIEF • The five stages of grief and loss are: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and then finally acceptance. These terms might sound clinical, even possibly boring but I assure you that understanding these stages was absolutely crucial when I went through my parents separation and my own separation and divorce.

26. DENIAL – STAGE 1 • Denial is a powerful and necessary tool for the initial stages of something shocking and upsetting happening to us. • It is definitely OK and NORMAL, even healthy to go through denial as long as we don’t get stuck there. It is definitely a protective mechanism to keep us from falling apart and helping us to accept things on a more gradual basis when we are ready. • As a teenager, there is also the problem of powerlessness because in some ways you can feel close to adulthood, but legally and practically, you are still a minor and therefore are definitely affected by your parents’ decisions, whether good or bad.

27. ANGER – STAGE 2 • Anger is probably an emotion that most of us are familiar with during the crisis of your parents separation or divorce. • The second stage of the grief process is ANGER. You may experience anger at either or both of your parents. If the separation is due to one of your parents having an affair, the anger can understandably be directed at the “other man” or the “other woman” and even their children, even though they likely had nothing to do with the affair. You can even feel angry at yourself if you think you could have done something to prevent the divorce or separation or if you somehow think you may have contributed to the separation. Anger consistently turned inward can lead to depression. It is always important to remember that the decision of YOUR PARENTS to divorce or separate and that no matter your age, you usually have very little power to change their minds.

28. ANGER – WHAT CAN I DO? • What can you do about your angry feelings? The first step is to acknowledge that what you are feeling is anger and that it OK and even NORMAL to go through this stage as it can be a step towards long-term healing. The problem occurs when you allow your anger to be destructive or even turn to violence. There are studies that show that aggression increases when a minor who is still living with their parents, experience parental separation or divorce. Behaviours like fighting (verbal or physical) often increase during this time of stress. The other possible issue with anger is when you get “stuck” in anger for extremely long periods of time e.g. several months and even years for some people.

29. ANGER – WHAT HELPS • Things that can help you through the anger process can include journaling (writing down your feelings in a safe place) and sometimes even burning the journal when you feel you have moved on from the anger as a symbolic way of “letting it go”. Other things that can help you through the anger process could include: seeing a counsellor; pastor; school counsellor; attending a support group if there is one available in your area; finding a passion/hobby that you enjoy; sports (competitive or non-competitive) can be a positive outlet as well. Even individual sports such as running/jogging or working out at the gym can help relieve tension and stress.

30. BARGAINING – STAGE 3 • What is the bargaining process and why is it important in the grieving process? • Bargaining can best be described as “if this happens … then I will ……….”. You see a lot of people in popular movies bargaining with God during difficult situations. “God, if you will just help my parents get back together, then I will …. (you can fill in the blank)”. Bargaining can help us to reconcile with what has already happened when we go through the “what if I had…” and it can assist us in recognizing what we have control over and what we cannot control, such as other people’s decisions. In almost all situations, the decision to separate or divorce is pretty much exclusively in the hands of our parents

31. HOW DOES BARGAINING HELP? • Overall, bargaining can help us through the grieving process of the separation or divorce of our parents, but it is important in the end to realize that we may have to accept the reality of the situation that at least for now, our parents are not getting back together.

32. DEPRESSION – STAGE 4 • The fourth stage of grieving the separation or divorce of your parents is depression. Depression is a buzzword that gets tossed around a lot and is often paired with both the trivial and the earth-shattering. There are two types of depression: situational (also known as reactive) and clinical (also known as chemical). Situational (non-clinical) depression is a more transient type of emotion which can last for a few days to a few months. Clinical depression is recognized as a clinical disorder which left untreated, can lead to more serious difficulties such as agoraphobia (fear of leaving your home) and in the most serious cases, suicide attempts.

33. SITUATIONAL DEPRESSION • Most common form of depression • It is normal, and even beneficial to experience some degree of depression, or sadness when you face a loss. It is part of what makes us human and it is also the way that God made us, which is to care about those closest to us. No matter what anyone may say to you, separation or divorce happens to a FAMILY, not just an individual, or to the adults involved (your parents). It is virtually impossible for the separation or divorce of your parents not to have at least some impact on YOU.

34. SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION • Feelings of depression can include: prolonged sad feelings, loss of interest in things that formerly were things that you enjoyed, feeling tired or listless, feelings of hopelessness, crying sometimes for no apparent or immediate reason, lashing out at people for sometimes trivial things (also known as irritability), difficulty concentrating. What makes depression become clinical is both the degree and depth of these symptoms, as well as the length of time that these feelings and resulting behaviours are a serious problem for you. My advice to you is that if you think you may be experiencing clinical depression, the best place to start is to tell your family doctor as they should be an excellent resource for you.

35. DEPRESSION – WHAT CAN I DO? • Briefly, some of the best things you can do when you feel sad or depressed are: make sure that you get enough sleep (although excessive sleeping can be a sign of clinical depression); eat healthy foods; EXERCISE (even if you don’t feel you can even move) because exercise has been proven to release endorphins which can greatly improve mood and feelings of well-being – even a brisk 10-15 minute walk can make you feel significantly better; find a trusted friend or family member that you can talk to – do not isolate yourself as this will only increase feelings of depression – sometimes a pastor or a teacher can be a good person to talk to, if they are someone that you feel safe with. • SPIRITUAL COMFORT - God is always there for you and there are some excellent verses in the bible to bring comfort during times of difficulty – perhaps one of the best ones is Psalm 23:4a Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Other great verses that you can look up are: Isaiah 49:13; Matthew 5:4; John 14:1; and 2 Corinthians 1:3-7, to name just a few.

36. ACCEPTANCE – STAGE 5 • The final stage of the grieving process – acceptance • If your parents are newly separated or divorced, you may feel at this point that you could never accept your parents being apart, especially long-term, or possibly forever. • Acceptance does not mean that you are OK with your parents being apart but it is the point where you feel you can move forward with your own life and your own hopes and dreams, without being consumed with your parents’ separation. • Realizing that things may never be the same but that things can be different but still be OK eventually, is one of sure signs that you have started the process of acceptance of your family situation. It is important to have hope for reconciliation if this is realistic, but to realize that your own happiness does not necessarily depend upon it. In this situation, change is difficult and painful, but you can come out the other side a strong and healthy person.

37. QUESTIONS?DISCUSSION • DOES ANYONE HAVE QUESTIONS?

38. NEXT SEMINAR • COMMUNICATION • MONDAY MARCH 12 7-8:30 pm • This seminar will focus on key communication issues such as blame; anger; handlingdisagreements; dealing with step-families; and encouraging direct communicationbetween all family members. The overall focus is to discuss concerns and todiscover strategies to foster effective communication.