E motional Health of Children „ ABCXXI – All of Poland Reads to Kids ” Foundation

1. Emotional Health of Children„ABCXXI – All of Poland Reads to Kids” Foundation

2. Major emotional needs of a child • need of love, bonding, security • belonging, being important and appreciated • acceptance, encouragement and support • pride, success, expressing oneself • new stimuli and intellectual stimulation • autonomy, independence, etc. • It is the FEELING of a child, not of an adult, that is decisive in determining whether a particular need has been satisfied!

3. The need of bonding Bond is an evolutionary bio-social mechanism that guarantees child’s survival. The need to establish a strong emotional relationship with one, closest person emerges right after birth.

4. Breaking the evolutionary continuum – distorted bonds Human children are born prematurely – due to the upright body posture of man and the size of infant’s brain (head), children cannot be delivered later. Human infants are the least independent of all mammals. Over the first year the child needs to be carried and has to stay close to its mother: it needs her warmth, the feeling of security, the touch of her skin and movements similar to those in the womb. To establish secure bond, the child needs one, the same loving person, adapting to its needs and taking care of it for the first three years of its life. The mother is predisposed by hormones to take attuned care of the child on a continuous basis.

5. Breaking the evolutionary continuum – distorted bonds At birth, children’s brains and needs are the same as they were in the Paleolithic period whenseparation from the mother meant rejection and sure death. Today, a small child also perceives separation and loneliness as a threat of death, hence it reacts with crying and despair. The trauma boosts production of cortisol, the stress hormone, that damages the brain tissue. Children who are carried continuously by their moms and other important persons are calmer, do not cry, get familiar with the language and the world from a safer position of their mothers’ arms, quickly become independent and responsible.

6. Breaking the evolutionary continuum – distorted bonds Contemporary civilization damages children’s brains and mentality – premature „abandonment” of children is common, mothers do not carry their children, they return to worksoonaftertheydeliver a baby. Prematurely separated children (because of beingleftalone in a separate bed, room,nursery) suffer from emotional disorders –theyhave trouble calming down, concentrating and learning,they experience difficulties in establishing healthy, close relations, can be aggressive, self—destructive, fascinated with evil. It is the boys whose minds and souls suffer the most.

7. Unconditional love of parentsis the most important emotional need of a child Unconditional love does not depend on sex, health, age,beauty, talents, personality or even behavior of the child. Children have the right to unconditional love of their parents onlybecausethey need that love! A child is so helpless that only the love of the closest personguarantees its survival and development. Without feeling thatlove, the child is prone to suffer from emotional disorders. Respect is a necessary component of a good parental love.

8. Satisfying children’s emotional needs A healthy child who has its emotional needs, especially the need of love, satisfied is: calm, trusting and joyful, curious to learn about the world, willing to cooperate, motivated to learn. It can channel all its energy to its growth, and not totacklingthe feeling of rejection and lack of love – a feeling it perceives as a threat to its life.

9. Unsatisfied emotional needsof a childare manifested by: • Continuous anxiety, tension, uncertainty, fear • Lack of self confidence • Low level of emotional intelligence • Lack of empathy, narcissism, self-orientation • Trouble with concentration and learning • Psycho-somatic problems • Depression • Improper behavior, addictions • Anger, aggression

10. Why children do not feel loved? Parents declare that they love their children, but children often feel not loved. Why? Parents provide love „on their own conditions, in their own language” – by „servicing” the child, earning money to satisfy its needs and to buy presents. Meanwhile, Children need to have their emotional needs satisfied in their own language, the language they understand, i.e. through parents’ behaviors targeted directly to them such as: playing and spending time together, talking, reading to them.

11. How to fill child’s „emotional tank” and make sure that it feels truly loved? Unconditional love may be manifested to children by our behavior, in four simple ways: Full of love eye contact Full of love physical contact Focusing our full and positive attention on a child Upbringing and leadership full of love Everyone can learn that!

12. Full of love eye contact Sight is a mighty tool for showing our feelings – bothpositive and negative! Warm, friendly and tender looks should become a habit of every parent and a method for manifesting outcontinued love and acceptance. The looks given by parents should never serve as a tool for conveying negative feelings: anger, aversion,resentment, mocking or hostility.

13. Full of love physical contact Parents should provide their children (boys in particular) with a lot of physical contact that is full of love – hugging, patting, „wrestling” while playing – such behaviors should be always adapted to thecircumstances, sex, age and sensibility of each child. Boys receive 3 times less compassionate physical contact than girls. According to dr. Ross Campbell this is the reason of many emotional disorders in boys. Physical contact should satisfy the needs of a child – and not of an adult!

14. Focusing our exclusive positive attention on and devoting our time to a child Good examples of spending time together: friendly and deep conversations, playing, reading, walking, doing household chores, DIY activities, excursions. Children whose need of exclusive attention has not been satisfied will try to get that attention in different ways, including behaviors that are not accepted by adults. When adults do not devote enough attention to a child, it quickly learns that father, mother or teacher pays attention only when they are loud or aggressive. The child concludes that such a behavior is advantageous, as negative attention is for him or her better thanno attention at all – so this behavioral pattern will be repeated.

15. Upbringing and leadership full of love The feeling of being truly loved is a foundation of good upbringing and discipline. A loved child will be willing to make its parents happy and will behave as they expect. Parents need to be the leaders and need to model the rights behaviors of their children. Upbringing - training child’s mind and heart so that it becomes an independent, responsible and creative member of society.

16. Parental upbringing comprises the following: Being the mature leader in the family Acting as a role model, showing good examples Providing the child with continuous love and respect Determining reasonable rules and behavioral boundaries Teaching social norms and moral values Explaining the world in deep conversations and clarifications Reading aloud to a child Practicing various skills, teaching through action and playing Issuing orders and instructions Providing descriptive praise Penalties – deprivation of privileges or imposing natural consequences We should be always proactive – we should teach the child and prevent its potential mistakes - instead of being reactive and only react to his or her errors and bad behaviors.

17. Unconditional love of parents and upbringing that is full of love are the basis of good relations within a family and a foundation of mutual trust between children and parents – a value that is priceless when the children become teenagers! Without strong, healthy and love-based bonds with parents, a child reacts to their words, orders and teaching by rebelling and showing anger. Its subordination is based on fear, but the child will always spite whenever it can. Only children who feel truly loved and respected by their parents are willing to accept parents’ rules and system of values without the use of force and control.

18. Recommended reading: Ross Campbell – How to Really Love Your Child /Your Teenager Jean Liedloff – The Continuum Concept Evelin Kirkilionis – Bond Gives Strength Irena Koźmińska, Elżbieta Olszewska – Z dzieckiem w świat wartości (Guiding a Childinto the World of Values) Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish – How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk