Chapter 8: Communication in Families

1. Chapter 8:Communication in Families

2. Upstate Communication in the Family • It is impossible not to communicate • Couples often cite communication difficulties • Communication – complex process • Why? One reason: • Digital message – ___________ • _______________ – message contained in body language, facial expression, or way words are spoken _____________.

3. Upstate • Approx. ____ of the impact (meaning) comes from metamessage • Interpret meaning of words using metamessage • Leakage: Univ. of Oregan study – p.249 Couples asked to fake happiness • Gottman exercise: Are you okay? p.242 • Terribly hurt • Bizarre plan of action • Ready for a difficult physical challenge

4. Upstate What We Communicate: ______, Thoughts, ________, Observations • Needs- biological and learned • The need to _______– Separateness or independence vs. __________,connected,close (S/I) - Tannen • Communication often reflects this S/I dimension • Wives - language of ___________; husbands - language of ___________ • Example.

5. Upstate • Needs -- partially unconscious • We do not say, “I am driven by my need…” Instead, we behave, hoping… • our partner will respond appropriately. If this happens… • So communication is often indirect. Why? • Tannen suggests: 1. Want others to know without having to tell them – same __________ 2. Does not feel right; having to tell someone to care is a suspect kind of caring 3. Indirectness is safer.

6. Upstate • Ask partner to care  turn away  hurt damaged relationship Being indirect protects self/relationship “Would you like to . . .” Allows partner to refuse without provoking direct conflict With needs – indirect com. common Example – sexual desires/needs.

7. Upstate • The Need to Love and Be Loved The Five Love Languages – Chapman • Words of __________ • Quality ____ • Receiving ____ • Acts of ______ • Physical _____ • The Need for Respect and Worth • The Need for Power and Control • The Sexual Need

8. Upstate • Thoughts, beliefs, ideas are also communicated • Sometimes, prefaced by “I think.” sometimes not • Thoughts may hurt others or we may disguise thoughts so as not to hurt others • Wife asks, “What do you think of my new dress?” Husband may hesitate, choose words carefully.

9. Upstate • Feelings are communicated  • Little training in expressing feelings with words • Rather feelings come through in body language, facial expression, tone, and intensity of response • Can be misinterpreted – mind reading • Sharing feelings – risky • Partner may fail to listen or make fun of feelings, cause hurt

10. Upstate • Observations are communicated • This is factual information • Usually straightforward and direct.

11. Upstate Analyzing Communication Problems related to sender • Mistakes due to the sender’s failure to communicate intent clearly. • Another mistakes: senders verbal and nonverbal message may not match • Senders words correctly reflect thoughts but sender does not explain. Leaves receiver to infer thoughts • Moods and feeling states

12. Upstate Problems related to the receiver • Inattention • Current mood states - feelings may carry over from hard day, past interactions • Carry over - Positivity/negativity • Gender differences • These influence what is heard and how communication is interpreted • Helping couples analyze com. impact • (+) (0) (-) • The relationship bank account/feelings

13. Upstate Communication impact: (+) (-) (0) One study: • Happily married couples – match between speaker intent and receiver impact • Unhappy couples – much ___________ between speaker intent and receiver impact • A pattern emerged – wives in unhappy marriages interpreted husbands’ comments more ________ than husbands’ intent • While husbands in unhappy marriages interpreted wives’ comments more _______ than wives’ intent • Husband living in another world • The inflated currency in his relationship bank account was bogus – not worth the paper it is printed on • Early warning signs of faulty communication.

14. Upstate How not to talk: Dan Wile Common communication mistakes: • Using “you” statements rather than ___ statements • Using the words “never” and _______ • Responding before exhibiting _______ and understanding for partner’s view • Making _____ reading responses • Call partner name such as “neurotic” or “crazy” • Bringing up old grievances from past (kitchen ______)

15. Upstate Core Issues that Underlie Conflict • Goldberg • Nurturance – _____ and love • Intimacy – closeness and distance • Power and Control – ______________ • Fidelity/faithfulness – ____ • Differences in Style

16. Upstate Communication Styles: Why we are different • Past training • Personality and temperament differences • Gender differences How we are different: male/female • Females – move toward others, attempting to share feelings and be close (Involvement & connection) • Males – uncomfortable with closeness, expression of feelings, and sharing personal concerns: talk about things- the game, the car, the stock market (separateness) • Enjoy giving advise and opinion when ? arise.

17. Upstate Other Differences in Male and Female Communication Styles Female Male • Talking about problems is helpful. It provides relief and leads to support and closeness. • Talking about problems and negative things is not helpful. Is seen as complaining which leads no where. • Talking with someone about problems shows you value that person and that’s important even though topic may not be important. • Talking does little good. Make a decision and move on.

18. Upstate Female • Male • Bringing up someone’s problem makes the person uncomfortable. Indicates you feel sorry for them and this may be taken as a put down. • Letting others know that you understand their situation communicates support, closeness, and strengthens friendship. • Don’t ask questions unless you want specific information. People don’t want you to pry. • You show interest by asking questions and others appreciate this. • Giving details helps others understand your point of view. • Providing detail is unnecessary. Get to the point.

19. Upstate Female • Male • When friends share disappointments, even about romance, it strengthens friendship bonds. • Sharing disappointments about relationships does not help. Complaining about such things is pointless. • Silence means something is wrong. Talk about it. • When there is silence, everything is fine. Why talk so much when talking makes things worse. • When my partner tells me he loves me and how wonderful our relationship is, then I feel loved. • Actions are what counts. She should know I love her because of what I do.

20. Upstate • Problems are often due to gender differences and communication background differences • How can your awareness of differences be helpful? • Allows you to see that differences are due to past training or gender rather than evil intent or intent to hurt • If couple can be sensitive to differences this may lead to greater understanding.

21. Upstate Tannen on Gender Differences: • Gaze and communication in children • Creating connection and negotiating status • Being direct and indirect in conversational style • Talking at home and in public groups • Ritual opposition • Nagging and self-initiative

22. Upstate Communication When Conflicts Arise: • Hendrix – the couple’s dialogue (p. 341) • mirroring, ________, _______ • The PREP Approach – Markman, Stanley, Blumberg • Rules for Handling Conflict • The ______________Technique • Problem Solving: Agenda-______ brainstorming, __________, follow-up.

23. Upstate • Distinguishing Between Events, Issues, and Hidden Issues • An event: an everyday occurrence Example • Events may trigger sensitive issues such as those involving money, housework, time together, children • Underlying these sensitivities may be hidden issues such as caring and love, intimacy, and power and control.

24. Upstate • PREP developers have noted several common hidden issues: • Power and control • Needing and caring • Recognition • Commitment • Integrity • Acceptance.