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Unit 2

Unit 2. Stimulus – Response Principle. No space = No choice. “He made me do it.” “What else could I do?” “I lost it.” “I just blew up.” “He went ballistic.” “She went through the roof.” “He freaked right out.”. Stimulus Response. Stimulus – CHOICE -- Response.

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Unit 2

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  1. Unit 2

  2. Stimulus – Response Principle No space = No choice. “He made me do it.” “What else could I do?” “I lost it.” “I just blew up.” “He went ballistic.” “She went through the roof.” “He freaked right out.”

  3. Stimulus Response

  4. Stimulus – CHOICE -- Response The space between stimulus and response is where we can exercisechoice.

  5. Stimulus: Aggression • We may be attacked. • We may be accused. • We may be blamed. And…. • Everyday conversation may change from a challenge to an outright confrontation.

  6. THREE MODES of DEFENSE • That’s not what happened! • Oh! That hurts my feelings.. how can you • You’re sayingI am incompetent?Me?

  7. The Space Between Choosing Assertive action Fight back! Developing Collaborative action We must retain control of the gateway of CHOICE

  8. Mode #1: What Happened? • We disagree about what happenedbecause: • We access, and select / choosedifferent information • We have different priorities and “Life Rules.” • We don’t differentiate impact from intent.

  9. Mode #2: How do I feel? • We fight back when others’ feelings are expressed as facts, in judgmental attacks on us. • We want to win because we perceive unfairness, feel mistreated. • We continue to defend because our feelings block our learning about the Facts.

  10. Mode # 3: What does the message say about ME personally? MY CORE IDENTITIES • Am I Competent? • Am I worthy of Respect? • Am I am Ethical, Honest, Truthful? • Am I Trustworthy? Kind? • Do I Work Hard? • Am I Reasonable, sensible?

  11. Stored energy: the conflict pendulum • Once swinging, a pendulum requires only tiny injections of new energy to keep it going. • To stop it, one party has to absorb the energy to slow it down. • Energy remains in the wound – up spring. We must channel it to release it harmlessly.

  12. A FOURTH Response choice • Step 1: Acknowledge it! You did contribute to this situation in some way, no matter how small or indirect. • Step 2: Look at it from an outside point of view: • Describe the gap between your points of view as a neutral observer would: not right or wrong, not a value judgment, but different.

  13. Unit Three The Psychological Edge Taking Charge

  14. Our responses are determined by conditioning: we develop habits in our responses to others because some aspect reinforces our patterns. Our action (response) is influenced by the protocols of a situation, others’ expectations, and our skills. We do what we are supposed to do. We tend to base our actions on role models. We do what seems to be successful when our heroes do it. Choice TheoryWe are free to act as we wish WHAT MAKES US ACT THE WAY WE DO?

  15. Dr. W. Glasser Choice Theory Tough, Respectful • We all choose how we respond. • We respect the ability of others to choose how to handle a situation. • We Help, but don’t Rescue, when others are struggling to choose.

  16. Rules of engagement:moderate use of the space between. Not in front of the children… not now… not here.. not in public… • Rules: we have many • Bruce Lee’s rule: “The best fight is the fight that is never fought.” • Aikido rule: “I cannot allow you to hurt me, but in defending myself it is my responsibility to protect you against hurt.”

  17. Refusing a shoot-out You cannot let anyone hi-jack your emotional life. • Avoid spontaneous explosions: “In all honesty I must tell you that…”“Frankly speaking…” “In my honest opinion, you…” “Well, to be honest…” “If you really want to know…” • LET IT PASS if your choice is: • To Win. “Well, let me tell you a few things…” • To show that You are Right.“See? I told you so!” • To prove they are wrong: “No! The manual says so, right here, look, on Page 29..….” • To get Revenge “If you had done it my way, then we wouldn’t be in this mess…”

  18. If you do choose to engage Set a goal for the conversation. What do you want to achieve? Really? • Express your feelings: Use “I” messages. “I feel hurt…”“I feel sad when you…”“I get angry if you…” “I feel happy when…” “I feel frustrated when…” • Avoid spontaneous explosions of honesty: “In all honesty I must tell you that…”“Frankly speaking…” “In my honest opinion, you…” “Well, to be honest…” “If you really want to know…”

  19. Defense against an attack • We cannot control other’s attacks, but we CAN recover balance. (Buy time, clarify, distract, agree). • Extend the olive branch: work on the problem together, to mutual advantage. • Resist rising to an old challenge! Don’t bite…. • Desist from fighting back even when you see the opening to get in a good shot. • Persist even when the other party demurs.

  20. Timing: the conflict cycle Ripe: “I need help” Rotten: “It’s too late for help.” Active The Hurting Stalemate Manifest Stages of evolution of the conflict process Self - help; “I don’t need help.” Trigger Latent Level of volatility of conflict “Happy slave.” No helper intervention in this region. Reference: Zartnan

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