An Invitation to Family & Friends: How To Support Victims & Survivors of Domestic Abuse

1. An Invitation to Family & Friends:How To Support Victims & Survivors of Domestic Abuse Norah Ashcraft Legal Advocate

3. Domestic Abuse When a partner uses a combination of physical, sexual, and psychological tactics to gain control over the other. Victims in these relationships live in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

4. The Worst is Silence A victim of abuse does not see your silence as an attempt to give her privacy… It is seen as disapproval, acceptance, or lack of interest…

5. In an abusive relationship, difference of opinion is never tolerated…and compromises are not negotiated…

6. Why Victims Stay • Fear • Children • Religion • Isolation • Financial • Love

7. “Why does he do that?” • Control • Feeling of entitlement • Feels superior • Confuses love and abuse • Manipulative • Feels justified • Possessive

8. Signs of Danger May Be Subtle • Victims might seem nervous, jumpy, or worried about displeasing partner. *Do you hear about temper tantrums? *Abuser calls or texts all hours of the night? • Victims often give up on activities that were once important or enjoyable to them. • Change in appearance or behavior. • Unexplained injuries.

9. A Potential Abuser • Pushes for quick involvement – Wants an exclusive commitment immediately. • Jealous – Excessively possessive, calls constantly or visits unexpectedly. • Controlling – Interrogates victim about who they talked to/where they were. Victim must ask permission to go anywhere or do anything. • Isolation – Attempts to cut off victim from family and friends.

10. A Potential Abuser? • Blames others for problems or mistakes. • Hypersensitive – Easily insulted. Rants about the injustice of life. • Rigid gender roles – Expects to be served, obeyed. • Cruel to animals or children • Threatens to use violence

11. A Potential Abuser? • Verbal Abuse – Criticizes, degrades or name calls • Past battering - Admits to hitting a past partner. • “Playful” use of force during sex – Finds the idea of rape exciting.

12. Understanding Abuse • Abuse is a learned behavior. • Abuse is not a natural reaction to an outside event. • Abusers deny that abuse has occurred. • Abusers blame the victim, other people, or outside events for violent attacks. • Abusers seek to control. • Abusers often score normal on IQ test and may be hard workers and good students. • Abusers can be charming and engaging. • Abuse does not discriminate.

13. Starting The Conversation “Are you okay?” “I’m worried about you.” That really doesn’t sound right to me.” “If it feels wrong, then you’re right” “That was nasty of him to say that.”

14. Starting The Conversation • Consider the time and place. • Plan how you will open the discussion. • Prepare a script. • Start with “I’m worried about you.” • Since victim may have been isolated, you are probably the first person to express concern. -Don’t attempt to argue even if they minimize. -Your goal: to not normalize abusive behavior.

15. Words That Help • Your first talk will lead to others, especially after the victim realizes that you do not blame them for tolerating abusive behavior, and that you will not pressure them to leave. • What you talk about is up to the victim.

16. Words to Use • “What is this like for you?” • “You don’t deserve this.” • “You’re in a tough situation.” • “You’re a strong person.”

17. What if She Defends Him? • The very nature of an abusive relationship sets the victim up to believe that their abuser is their best friend and that people trying to help are the enemies. • Talking to someone may feel like a betrayal due to the abuser’s isolation.

18. What if She Trashes Him? • Listen, restate what the victim has said, and stay neutral. • Unless you believe there is in immediate danger, do not swoop down and try to take charge of the victim’s life.

19. Your Words Can: • Help victim recognize the situation as abuse. • Help victim articulate the physical and emotional damage they have endured. • Help her develop insight about options.

20. Staying Safe During A Violent Incident • Avoid being trapped in a room with no exits. • Avoid a room with weapons. • Keep a cell phone on hand. • Be alert to signs that an attack is coming. • Help her establish a safe place where she can hide for a few days. • Keep important items ready for a fast exit.

21. Staying Safe During A Violent Incident • Identify a support network to use in an emergency. • Plan an escape from the home once she knows the violence is inevitable. • Plan a code word with children and practice escape routes. • Teach children how to call 911. • Arrange in advance a safe place for children to go (ex: a neighbor).

22. How to Stay Safe if Abuser is Removed • Change locks on door and windows. • Install smoke detectors and ensure that fire extinguishers work. • Purchase a rope ladder for second story homes. • Install an outdoor motion-sensitive lighting system. • Keep a cell phone near that is preprogrammed to dial the police. • Alert the school and all childcare providers that abuser is not permitted to see the children. • Teach children how to use the telephone and make collect calls in case they are abducted. • Take security measures at work, in public, and in the neighborhood.

23. Taking Action • Contact local domestic violence program for shelter, a protective order, or support group info. • Contact a physician who can help with depression or physical ailments resulting from the abuse. • Contact a therapist. • Speak with a DCS case worker if you feel your children are in danger. • Contact someone in your church who will listen. • Speak with an advocate in the prosecutor’s office and ask what would happen to your abuser if they were arrested.

24. Help a Victim Build a Case • Collect and keep all police calls logging dates, police officers’ names, and outcome of calls. • If there was a trip to the hospital because of injuries, collect records. • Take pictures of any bruises or cuts if going to the hospital is not an option. • Keep a list of witnesses’ full names, addresses, and birthdates.

25. Help a Victim Build a Casecontinued Journal each and every incident of abuse. Use camera phone to snap photos of abuser in places where he/she has been told not to be like parked in front of the house or at victim’s place of work. *VERY IMPORTANT*: If the victim is not keeping a journal then keep one for them. This information is absolutely vital to any kind of court proceeding.

26. Challenges After Leaving An Abusive Relationship Victims may go back more than once. Victims often blame themselves. A victim of abuse may have trouble in a new relationship.

27. Letting Go and Grieving • Lost role as lover, companion, and partner • Loss of security • Feeling tired and defeated RECOGNIZE AND ACKNOWLEDGE GRIEF. The Dream has died. Acceptance will come.

28. The Victim is Pregnant • Domestic violence most likely will not change during pregnancy. • The abuser may become jealous of the baby and the violence could escalate. • The abuse may serve as a catalyst to get out. • Victim should confide in her doctor for the sake of the baby.

29. The Victim is Disabled • Abuser may be intentionally “rough” when performing personal tasks. • Abuser may “forget” to fill her prescription. • Abuser may “misplace” medical equipment such as a walker. • Abuser may “forget” to take her to the bathroom. • Abuser may say things like, “You’re lucky to have me. No one else would want to be stuck with a cripple.” • Abuser mocks victim’s limited job skills. • Abuser isolates victim from friends and family.

30. The Power of Words and Actions • Let victim know what you are willing and unwilling to do for her. *Are you willing to let her move in with you? *Lend money? Provide transportation? *Stay friends with her if she goes back to abuser? • Until the victim’s world gets back into focus, it will be difficult, if not impossible, for them to get away from their abuser. • The words you say, the time you spend listening, the time you spend reflecting on what you hear, and the actions you take are never wasted. Even if the victim does not leave immediately, or if they return, you have not failed.

31. DID YOU KNOW…

32. More than 1 in 3 female high school and college students surveyed said they had experienced some violence in a dating relationship. As many as 50% of dating women suffer physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from their dating partners. 1 in 3 women who are killed in the United States are murdered by their boyfriend or husband. 1 in every 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. 25% of female homicide victims are between 15-24 years old.

33. An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk for intimate partner violence. Majority (73%) of family violence victims are female. Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.

34. Signs of Addictive Love • Fewer happy times together, and more time spent on apologies, promises, anger, guilt, and fear. • Feeling worse about yourself. • Feeling you have less self-control. • You don’t make decisions or plans before finding out what he or she is going to do first. • Killing time until you can be together again; like you can never get enough of her or him. • Believing you can’t live without the other person.

35. Questions for Your Child • Are you always blamed for difficulties that arise between you? • Are you the one that has to apologize all the time? • Does he show little respect for your time, energy, needs, feelings? • Does he seem demanding and impatient? • Is he uncomfortable expressing feelings like fear, anxiety, and tenderness? • Do his moods change rapidly? ***If your daughter answers “yes” to any of those questions, explain it is not normal to be treated this way***

36. Love is a Behavior Ask your daughter more questions: • Should fear be a part of a loving relationship? • Do you think that it’s normal that a girl in a good relationship spend so much crying? • Why do you need to let him know where you are all the time? • How should a healthy relationship make you feel? • Are any of those LOVING BEHAVIORS?

37. Is Your Teen in Danger? Has your teen... • showed a loss of concentration? • showed signs of being afraid to upset her/his partner? • spent excessive amounts of time in contact with her/his partner? • lost contact with friends? • been constantly fighting with her/his partner? • changed their behavior and/or appearance? • had unexplained injuries? • stopped enjoying activities that she/he used to enjoy? • become more aggravated and/or less independent? • seemed pressured to be home at certain times to receive/make phone calls? • seemed withdrawn from what is going on around her/him? • told you about or have you been a witness to their partner’s calling them names, embarrassing them, or putting them down in front of others? If you said yes to 2 or more of these questions, your teen may be in an abusive relationship. www.teensagainstabuse.org

38. Helping Your Teen DO’s • Keep all communication lines open. • Listen to them. • Explain to them what a good and bad relationship is. • Always validate how your child is feeling. • Work at building your relationship with your child by spending time with them rather than breaking their relationship with the abuser. • Build their confidence. • Support them but not the relationship. • Remind them that you are always around to listen and help. www.teensagainstabuse.org

39. Helping Your Teen DONT’s • Do not force your child to talk if they do not want to. • Don’t start off by yelling or blaming your child. • Do not write their relationship off as "puppy love" or say "they will get over it by tomorrow" because this is not the case. • Limit your advice and try giving options instead. • Do not give an ultimatum. • Do not automatically tell your child to break up with their partner.

40. Why Teens Don’t Tell They do not want to look foolish. They do not want to lose their freedom. They do not want to be pressured into leaving abuser. They feel guilty. • They have trouble identifying the relationship as abusive. • They believe a bad relationship is better than no relationship. • They believe that jealousy and possessiveness are signs of love. • They have experienced violence at home. • They are afraid of what their abuser might do.

41. How Your Teens Can Protect Themselves Stay sober in social situations. If they ever feel threatened, forget about being a “nice person.” Defend themselves if physical force is ever used against them. Listen and trust their feelings and instincts. • Stay away from people who drink or use drugs • Do not get involved with someone who does not ask for their opinion or does not respect their decisions • Set sexual limits and communicate them clearly. • When on a date, remain in control.

42. “I was planning to go to college and I had hopes for the future. But I realized that my boyfriend wasn’t allowing me to have hopes and plans because of his jealousy.”

43. “I realized my son was being damaged by seeing his mother get hit.”

44. People put up walls not to keep others out…but to see who cares enough to break them down.

45. Work Cited Crompton, Vicki & Kessner, Ellen Zelda. Saving Beauty from the Beast. Little, Brown & Company. 2003. Levy, Barrie. In Love and In Danger. Seal Press. 2007. Murray, Jill. But I Love Him. HarperCollins. 2000. Weiss, Elaine. Family and Friends Guide to Domestic Violence. Volcano Press, Inc. 2003. http://www.loveisnotabuse.com http://expect-respect.org http://www.myspace.com/icadvteen http://www.teensagainstabuse.org/index.php?q=quizMe http://www.familyfirstaid.org/youthviolence.html

46. Thank You To refer someone to our local domestic violence program, please contact: (765) 423 - 1118 or 888 - 345 - 1118 For more information about our program go to: www.ywca.org/lafayette To contact me: nashcraft@ywcalafayette.org (765)423-4486