What Is a Sex Therapist

1. What Is a SexTherapist The couple arrived at my office with a common problem. They had an 8-month-old and a 3- year-old. The husband was starved for physical contact and had been since baby No. 1 was born. But between the nursing infant and the clinging toddler, the wife was getting just about as much physical contact as she couldstand. Over the course of several sessions, I explored what might be affecting their sex lifeby asking them some gentle questions. Could the mother have postpartum depression? Was the couple aware that prolactin, the breastfeeding hormone, suppresses sexual desire? And what was sex like beforekids?

2. The Role of SexTherapists This case is typical of both the kind of people who visit sex therapistsand the type of work therapists do. Sex therapists focus specifically on the sexual side of relationships -- that intimate zone that is so hard to discuss but is so crucial to a relationship’s health. Their chief treatment method is talk therapy, designed to help clients explore issues that may affect their sexuality. They suggest touching exercises for couples to try at home and teach couples how to become more intimate. (They don’t touch their clients in an eroticway.) Sex therapists -- who most often are certified by one of two professional organizations in the United States -- address a variety of issues. Physically, clients may have trouble reaching orgasm or sustaining an erection. Emotionally, they may have problems concerning their self-esteem, body image, or an earlier trauma, such as abuse. And, interpersonally, they may disagree with their partner about how often -- or how -- they should havesex. Treating SexualDysfunction Take the couple described above. I discovered that the wife was indeed feeling depressed, overwhelmed, and badly out of shape, and that she resented her husband for not doing more around the house. The husband’s frustration about her “coldness,” in turn, was partly triggered by his own upbringing, in which he never felt he got as much physical affection as hewanted. Once we were clear on these issues, we came up with a plan: The husband would pitch in more, which included giving the wife time to exercise. The wife would try to touch her husband more (both in and out of bed). And both said they would be more honestabout

3. what they needed. It was hard work -- and took honesty and courage -- but after several months their sex life was back ontrack. • If your own sex lifeis in the doldrums, try reconnecting with your passion -- and your partner -- with thesestrategies: • Make a date. Time with your spouse is crucial for rekindling romance, especially for women, who often need emotional closeness to get physicallyclose. • Snuggle up. Nonsexual touching triggers the release of the hormone oxytocin,which • has a calmingeffect. • Get help. Call on friends, family, or professionals to help lighten your load, whether it’s from childcare, housework, or overwhelmingemotions. Can Couples CounselingHelp You know to see a doctor for an ache or cough that won't go away. But where can you turn if your relationship needs a shot in thearm? "We don't see our relationships and ourselves objectively," he says. "Most people are far more aware of how their partner is contributing to the problems in the relationship than they are. When we can't ‘fix’ ourselves, sometimes we need a third party'sperspective."

4. When to See aCounselor The main complaints couples bring to therapy are "losing connectionand high levels of conflict," Doherty says. "My research shows that 'growing apart' is the single biggest reason people give for divorce. Or maybe there is a lot of conflict that is depleting your marriage and you just can't resolve it on yourown." Major life changes or high levels of stress can put pressure on a relationship,too. Whatever the cause, it's best to treat relationship problems sooner rather than later -- just as you would an illness, couples wait 6 years after problems develop to seekcounseling. And he says that's unfortunate, because the sooner you get help, the better your chances of success. How CounselingWorks The goal of therapyis to give couples problem-solving tools. Studies show that most newlyweds expect to agree with their spouse far more often than they actuallywill.

5. "We aren't taught how to be in relationships or deal with the conflicts that come up," McNulty says. "There are very basic things people can learn about friendship and conflict that make total sense, are easy to do, and can really help. And that is where counseling helps." Over the first few sessions, expect the therapist to interview both of you -- together and sometimes separately. After that, the therapist should give you feedback and a plan for treatment. The average length of counselingis 12 sessions, but it can be different for eachcouple. After four or five sessions, you should be able to tell if the therapy is working. By this time, you and your partner should feel you're communicating with each other in a more positive and effective manner, McNulty says. "[You] should look for small changes week in and week out." "You can tell that couples counseling is working," Doherty says, "when you feel that there is some learning going on about the other partner. Maybe you are feeling more hope or seeing changes at home. If you were distant, maybe you feel closer. Maybe there is less conflict, or arguments are not so bad when you havethem." Finding the RightCounselor "I encourage people to see someone who specializes in marriage counseling-- at least 30% of their practice,” Doherty says. “They have seen it all, and they will roll up their sleeves and helpyou."

6. Ask your friends, doctors, or clergy for names of counselors they know and recommend. Some hospitals and social service organizations have referral services. Local chapters of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, the National Association of Social Workers, or the American Psychological Association may be able to help, too. Look for someone who has a background in couples therapy and advanced certification in couples work. Licensed marriage and family therapists(LMFTs) are likely to have more training aswell. Also look for a therapist who is caring and compassionate to both of you and doesn't take sides. A therapist should keep control of sessions and not allow you to interrupt each other, talk over each other, speak for each other, or have heatedexchanges. McNulty says a good therapist will encourage couples to decide early on whether he or she is a good fit for them, and will offer a referral ifnot. Couples counseling is not always covered by health insurance, although it may be if one partner is being treated for a mental health conditionsuch asdepression.