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Communicating in Sobriety

Communicating in Sobriety. A Treatment Goal. One of the hopeful outcomes of treatment is that we learn to identify our feelings; but it’s not enough just to know how we feel—we also have to be able to communicate our thoughts, feelings and needs.

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Communicating in Sobriety

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  1. Communicating in Sobriety

  2. A Treatment Goal One of the hopeful outcomes of treatment is that we learn to identify our feelings; but it’s not enough just to know how we feel—we also have to be able to communicate our thoughts, feelings and needs. Basically our methods of behaving/relating/communicating come out in four different ways These behaviors are described as ASSERTIVE, PASSIVE, HOSTILE and PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. Obviously the last two are negative behaviors, and even though we learn our behaviors largely from our families of origin, treatment provides you with enough information and insight for you to realize that: You don’t have to let negative behaviors control you. You can make conscious choices about how you act towards others. Exercising these choices , strangely enough, become the result of your powerless ness (realizing the need to give up old behaviors and the “turning over of the old self”) while providing you with personal empowerment

  3. What Is Honest Communication? • Honest communication is communicating without our old agendas (usually control and manipulation) It’s what allows us to ask for information, or what we need, or share how we’re feeling. It’s a powerful tool in creating intimacy. • Through honest communication we can lean to: • Explore our own feelings • Express our feelings to others • Trust ourselves • Ask for what we want • Cope with anger • Enjoy sobriety What is Honest Communication?

  4. Weak handshake Timid Affect Poor, slouching posture Soft voice Terrified of anger Self-focused anger causes depression Sees criticism as disapproval Reacts toward criticism with: self doubt self loathing self punishing behavior Values others’ judgment more than own Looks constantly to others for approval Take a Look at Passive Behaviors

  5. Passive Behaviors (cont) • A passive personality fears rocking the boat • Tries to get what he wants through manipulation of others, by making them feel: • 1. Responsible for his/her happiness • 2. People should know what he/she wants without asking for it • 3. Guilty • Plays the martyr • Sees himself/herself only as he/she imagines others see him/her How We Become Passive Sometimes as children we’re told to “be good,” meaning “don’t ask questions” “don’t bother me,” “don’t make waves.” If that gets us approval as children we may learn to use passive behaviors. Unfortunately, ultimately, we pay for it with self respect.

  6. Characteristics of Hostile Behavior • No consideration of others • Talks over others; poor listener • Constantly frustrated from unsuccessful attempts to • control others • Extremely judgmental, putting others on the defensive • Reacts to criticism aggressively/defensively • Does not respect the opinions of others • Does not ask—demands • Sees himself as uniquely important • Such behavior develops in responsive to having been treated badly, not affirmed, listened to, etc. It is a survivalist tactic in some dysfunctional families. Guaranteed to cause relationship problems in recovery.

  7. Passive-Aggressive Behavior • If a person is angry and is too afraid (or uninformed) to act on that anger appropriately, the behavior is called passive aggressive • It is indirect anger or anger that comes out “sideways.” Examples: The angry husband who keeps forgetting to put gas in the car when he knows his wife will be driving it next The mother who feels completely unappreciated b her children—and completely forgets to pick them up at the park Setting up another person to fail, look bad etc. when there’s no way you can be found out. Usually this behavior is learned by imitation, especially if it’s seen as being effectively used by one or the other’s parents

  8. Assertive Behavior • Communicates openly and honestly • Handles anger with complete honesty • Looks at criticism with reasonable emotion (less) • Values his judgment highly but views situation realistically • Accepts responsibility for his own actions • Uses his intelligence to study the issue • Does not see denial of a request as rejection • Knows that a healthy and realistic self-image is important to sobriety • An assertive person acts in his own best intersts and wants to control only his own actions

  9. In Changing Your Communication Style • Change involves an awareness of how you presently communicate • To be integrated, or congruent, or mature, or “put together” what you’re feeling and what you’re communicating should be similar

  10. Is the Cheese displaying passive or aggressive behavior? How would you describe the Farmer’s behavior?

  11. Communication Worksheets • What is the physical look of hostile communication? • What is the physical look of assertive communication? • List five personal examples of your passive behaviors. • List five examples of your hostile behaviors. • Give an assertive way of dealing with each of your passive and hostile behaviors. • What personally would you like to work on in your communication?

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