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Mating , Dating and Sex Over the Life Cycle in the 21 st Century

Mating , Dating and Sex Over the Life Cycle in the 21 st Century . Pepper Schwartz, pHD. Sexuality in Couples . THE SEARCH FOR SATISFACTION …. Committed Couples . Long term relationships may start with a strong sexual attractions but AGE and DURATION affect sexuality in committed couples.

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Mating , Dating and Sex Over the Life Cycle in the 21 st Century

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  1. Mating , Dating and Sex Over the Life Cycle in the 21st Century Pepper Schwartz, pHD

  2. Sexuality in Couples • THE SEARCH FOR SATISFACTION…

  3. Committed Couples • Long term relationships may start with a strong sexual attractions but • AGE and DURATION affect sexuality in committed couples

  4. How long does the honeymoon effect last? • One night • The first year • The first 3 years • The first 5 years

  5. SADLY, THE MOST PASSIONATE YEAR IS THE FIRST ONE OF THE YEARS LIVING TOGETHER • (Call, Sprecher, Schwartz, 1994)

  6. What causes this sudden drop? • A Satiation effect? • Redirection of energy • A gain of confidence in the other’s love/commitment? • others? • All important but the most impactful is

  7. What is the number one most powerful “ sex killer” in couples? 1.Over10 years duration 2.Being over 50 3.Having children 4.Habituation ( boredom)

  8. SEX ENEMY #l: CHILDREN • ALL RESEARCH SHOWS SEXUAL FREQUENCY AND SEXUAL SATISFACTION GO DOWN WITH THE ARRIVAL OF THE FIRST CHILD AND DOES NOT GO BACK UP UNTIL THE CHILDREN LEAVE HOME.. • THE UPSWING IS NEVER AS LARGE AS THE INITIAL YEARS…

  9. The Presence of Children….. • negatively affects coital frequency ( Delamater, Plant, et al 2006) • 4-5 times/month during pregnancy • Immediate post partum- 0/month- • not resumed until 2 months later and not at previous level

  10. Children and Sexual Frequency • Swedish Study (Ahlborg, et al 2005) • 6 months after delivery-working parents • Happy with relationship • “Too tired to have Sex” (both m/f) • Fathers less tired, more dissatisfied with frequency of intimate contact • Resumption 3 months later- not to previous level- more male discontent.

  11. Do hours at work greatly affect sexual frequency? • Yes if people work long hours • No, even if they work long hours

  12. Work is not as much of a deterrent as you might think • Hyde and Delamater study on women pre-pregnancy, during the pregnancy and a year after the pregnancy • No correlation with number of hours worked—only fatigue and lack of enjoyment of the job..

  13. What else lowered Libido? DEPRESSION ANGER LIFESTYLE STRESS RELATIONSHIP RETURNING THEMES OF MOLESTATION OR RAPE

  14. Quality of Sexual Interaction-duration of foreplay and intercourse • Too brief foreplay and intercourse AVERAGE : 12 MINUTES OF FOREPPLAY 7 MINUTES OF INTERCOURSE (Miller and Byers, 2004. Call et al, 2005)

  15. Body Image • A person’s assessment of their own sex appeal is a major variable predicting sexual activity and satisfaction ( Gossman, et al 2003-Canadian) The less attractive a woman perceives herself to be, the more likely to report a decline in sexual activity ( Koch, et al 2005)

  16. Negative attitudes about Sex affect sexual activity Sexual frequency is affected if sex is seen as “dirty” or “wrong” or “unimportant” even in committed couples (AARP, 2005)

  17. What helped?

  18. Love, Affection, Equality create more Sexual Satisfaction There is a complex relationship between emotional security, love, respect and sexual satisfaction.

  19. Affection, Love and Sexuality Couples with higher frequency of affectionate behavior have increased sexual frequency and emotional satisfaction (Richters, et.al 2003, Renaud,et.al 1997, Sprecher and Regan, 1998, Northrup et al, 2913)

  20. Love, Affection, Equality and Sexual Satisfaction • The connection between affection and sexual frequency is especially high for women. • However it is a strong relationship for both heterosexual and homosexual men as well ( Cove and Boyle, 2002, Schiavi, 1999)

  21. Most committed couples start out hugging, kissing etc. • 75% holding hands • 85% hugging and kissing • 50% terms of endearment • But only the happy couples are still doing these behaviors frequently after 15 plus years. ( Northrup, Schwartz, Witte, 2013)

  22. Orgasmic Consistency also predicts of relationship satisfaction Overall satisfaction with the relationship correlates with frequency of one’s own and partner’s orgasm. ( Young, et al, 1998 )

  23. Equality is also related to sexual frequency and satisfaction Higher egalitarianism predicts more sexual desire (Breznyak and Whisman, 2004)

  24. The Importance of Communication for sexual satisfaction Good communication contributes significantly to relationship and sexual satisfaction. (Gottman, 2001, 2004 ) Partners with higher quality verbal and non-verbal communication report higher relationship/sexual satisfaction ( Byers, 2005 )

  25. So are their standards of performance that matter?

  26. What is the Usual Sexual Frequency of Couples?.. • More importantly, why do we care?

  27. By marital status • Married couples 6.3x per month • Cohabiters, ll-13x per month

  28. By age… Couples under 24, ll.7 per month • Couples over 75, - 3x per month-IF sexually active

  29. Frequency matters…. • But there is no magic number of acts that is necessary --- • MORE IMPORTANT IS HOW LARGE THE GAP IS BETWEEN ACTUAL AND DESIRED FREQUENCY • ( Women are generally closer to their own desired frequency)

  30. Desire Discrepancies • Major problem in couples: Discrepancy in desire early in marriage cause relationship dissatisfaction (Davies, et al, 1999)

  31. Still on most surveys couples give high marks to their sex life.. 88% of married, extremely or very satisfied with their sex and feelings of love after sex --cohabiters, less so Data from the NHSLS on causes of sexual satisfaction 1994, Ind, 2009

  32. Commitment , age, and monogamy mattered • Monogamous most satisfied, • Women over 40 less satisfied than younger; this was not true for men *

  33. Satisfaction in Same Sex Couples • Satisfaction is highest for same sex couples • (Richters, et al, 2003, Gottman, 2006)

  34. Gay Men 84.5% found sex with partner emotionally satisfying- 85.9% physically satisfying • Lesbians 93% physically satisfying; 89.2%emotionally satisfying ( significantly higher figures than heterosexual women)

  35. Sexual satisfaction also enhances relationship satisfaction and durability • The correlation of sexual satisfaction to relationship satisfaction and durability exists in all kinds of couples • Married Heterosexuals • Living Together Heterosexuals • Lesbian • Gay Males

  36. Yet all is not unproblematic Lauman, et al study in New England Journal of Mediicine 2006: 41% of women cite sexual issues or dissatisfactions Northrup, Schwartz, Witte, 2013 • More than half of wives and 28% of men do not give accurate feedback on sexual performance • Less than 50% of men and women rate their partners kisses at a 9 or 10

  37. But what are people willing to do to increase it? • Not much.. • Pfizer Boomer study 2008 – All Canada

  38. Actions you would undertake to improve or enhance your sex life..if partner asked!” Spend a day or a weekend in bed in a romantic location 50% men- 28% women Schedule time weekly for romance/sex 39% 32%

  39. Buy sexy lingerie – self/partner 36% 33% Talk to partner about needs/feelings 32% 33%

  40. Read a book/see instructional video 34% 26% • Go on a diet • 26% 17%

  41. Take a medication for sexual function • 24% 12% • See a sex therapist 19% 19%

  42. FURTHER ALONG THE LIFE CYCLE-45 PLUS • THE 2009/2012 AARP STUDY • ( Four waves: 1999, 2004, 2009, 2012)

  43. The Boomer Data- AARP 2009 Knowledge Networks –random digit dial 45 years or older subjects-representative sample Administered both in English and Spanish-email Not limited to current internet users(computers provided) 1,670 adults in English--630 Hispanic oversample -

  44. Do the Boomers have a different sexual culture than previous generations of their age? • The data seem to indicate they do • The sexual revolution continues in the older population as Boomers age

  45. Sexual values have liberalized even in the last six years “The belief that there is too much emphasis on sex in our culture today” • 60% believed this in 1999 • 40 % since 2004 • less than 20% of people over 45 believe this amd most believe in pre-mzrital sex • .

  46. Male/Female Differences • Men continue to have more sex, to think about sex morethan women, and see it as more importantto their quality of life. • Single men without a partner are less satisfied than single women without a partner…Why?

  47. Differences in Orgasm 8 out of 10 respondents report they always or usually have an orgasm during intercourse • 2 out of 3 men • 1 in 3 women …but • men’s frequency of orgasm drops off with age- women’s is fairly flat across age ranges.

  48. Differences in Masturbation • Older men- about 70 per cent • Older women about 40 percent ( IU STUDY, 2010)

  49. Differences in Fidelity Men are twice as likely ( 21% compared to 11%) to admit to sexual activity outside their relationship. Studies vary on numbers but the ration among older people stays the same.

  50. Women: Women are nearly 3x more likely as men to say an affair caused lasting lack of trust ( 22% vs. 8%) Women 6x more likely to say a partner’s affair reduced sexual satisfaction ( 39% vs 6%)

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