Standard 6WS1.6 Revise writing to improve organization and consistency within and between paragraphs

1. 5WS1.6 Edit and revise manuscripts to improve the meaning and focus of writing by adding, deleting, consolidating, clarifying, and rearranging words and sentences. Standard 6WS1.6 Revise writing to improve organization and consistency within and between paragraphs

2. Learning Objective We will revise1 our writing to improve2 its meaning3 and consistency4. • revise1: change • improve2: make better • meaning3: what you are trying to tell your audience • consistency4: sticking with the same idea; not deviating Pre-pronounce; T read (define in context); choral read PS What are we doing today?

3. APK Which is more interesting to read? A • His sweater was nice. The boys laughed when they saw it. • His sweater had a frilly collar made of fuzzy, pink yarn. The boys laughed to see the dog dressed up this way. B When we change our words, the meaning becomes clearer, and our audience wants to read more. Today we will learn how to change our writing. WB PS Frame: Sentence__ was interesting to me because___

4. concept Revising is improving the content and organization of your writing • Writing needs CONSISTENCY. This means that all the ideas work together to support the main idea. • Sentences and paragraphs must be strongly connected. • Writing needs organization Example: I have news for teenage volunteers: Doing volunteer work can benefit you because it helps you see the world in a different way. Non example: I am going to tell you about the reasons you should volunteer.

5. Think of writing sentences as a chain… • Each link (sentence) is connected to the main object (idea)-even if it is far away from it. The links (sentences) MUST work together for the chain (paragraph) to be strong. After school Example: I went to my friend’s house, but her mom wasn’t home. So, we did our homework and ate a snack. When we were done, her dad drove me home. Non-example: I went to my friend’s house. Her mom wasn’t home. We did our homework and ate. I had ice cream. Chocolate is my favorite. She had her dad drive me home later.

6. Ways to revise your writing • Deleting words or sentences that take away from topic or are redundant • Adding words or sentences that bridge ideas or add meaningful description • Consolidating-using fewer, more powerful words • Clarifying-making your thoughts clearer • Rearranging-changing the word order

7. concept Take out words or sentences that are not related to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused Change the order of the words &/or sentences. Organize by time, sequence, or logical order. Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or make connections clear. Additions should make meanings clearer or enhance descriptions Make your thoughts clearer. Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning. Omit redundancies. Ask yourself: If I knew nothing about this topic, would Iunderstand? Ex: extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly, generous, delicious, carefree First, next, last, then, after, before, consequently Ex: Therefore, then, also, in addition Ex: good nice bad funny big

8. RAJ • What is deleting to revise mean? • What would you need to do to delete to revise? (1)Lighthouses are designed to help sailors pilot in ships at night. (2) Sailors enjoy the sea.(3) A lighthouse is a tower with a powerful light on top to illuminate the darkness. • Cross out sentence 2 • Add more details How do you know that?

9. Why revise? • Sometimes our thoughts don’t translate clearly into written words • Effective writing gets your ideas across clearly • Your readers will know what you are saying • It is tested on the CST and benchmarks • Good writing makes a good impression Which sentence could best be added to the beginning of the second paragraph? A Obviously, some kinds are more complicated to make and operate than others. B Local schools and libraries are good places to find a string puppet show being presented. C Puppets continue to entertain people of all ages, and we all remember Pinocchio fondly. D It might surprise you to know that puppetry is a very old art form. Importance Which sentence would be best to remove from the first paragraph? A Those who built the Tower of Pisa never meant for it to lean, though this is what has made it famous. B Other towers, such as the Eiffel Tower and the Tower of London, are known for their own unique qualities. C In recent years, workers have had to make the Tower of Pisa lean less, to make it safe for visitors to enter. D How did the tower come to lean, and how did workers make the Leaning Tower stand straighter? CST

10. The new mall is fabulous. It has a great food court. The mall also has a terrific skating rink. • I do: • The new mall is fabulous. It has a great food court. The food at school is terrible. The mall also has a skating rink. I love ice skating, but it hurts my ankles. The best revision is to: Delete sentences 1 & 2 Delete sentences 3 & 4 Delete sentences 4 & 5 Delete sentences 3 & 5 Delete sentences 2 & 4 This needs revision because it should be praising the new mall. Instead it talks about other things.

11. 1)There are thousands of traditional quilting patterns, many with names that echo the country’s history and that of the people who created them. 2)Pattern names may be simple or quite elaborate. 3)Some patterns echo the country’s history. 4)Some colorful patterns include: Abe Lincoln’s Log Cabin, Jacob’s Ladder, Flower Basket, Turkey Tracks, and California Rose. Which sentence would be best to remove from the paragraph? Delete sentence 2 Delete sentence 3 Delete sentence 4 Leave as is

12. What is it called when we take outwords or sentences that are notrelated to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused? • Which sentence should be deleted to revise (does not belong)? • (1)Lighthouses are designed to help sailors pilot ships at night. (2)Sailors enjoy the sea. (3)A lighthouse is a tower with a powerful light on top to illuminate the darkness. • Sentence 1 • Sentence 2 • Sentence 3 • What is something you learned about deleting to revise?

13. APK (Day 2) We have learned that when we delete to revise we take out words or sentences that are not related to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused. (1)Hummingbirds are the smallest of all birds. (2)The largest living bird is the ostrich. (3)Hummingbirds are colorful creatures that range in size from 2 ¼ to 8 ½ inches in length. (4)They can fly up to 60 miles per hour, moving their wings and an amazing 50 to 75 beats for second! (5)Hummingbirds burn so much energy that they are need to eat almost constantly during daylight hours. (6)My big brother eats constantly too! We can delete sentence 2 to revise because it is not related to the main topic. What other sentence can we delete to revise?

14. concept Take out words or sentences that are not related to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused Change the order of the words &/or sentences. Organize by time, sequence, or logical order. Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or make connections clear. Additions should make meanings clearer or enhance descriptions Make your thoughts clearer. Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning. Omit redundancies. Ask yourself: If I knew nothing about this topic, would Iunderstand? Ex: extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly, generous, delicious, carefree First, next, last, then, after, before, consequently Ex: Therefore, then, also, in addition Ex: good nice bad funny big

15. RAJ • What does adding to revise mean? • What would you need to do to add to revise? (1)Lighthouses are designed to help sailors pilot in ships at night.(2) A lighthouse is a tower with a powerful light on top to illuminate the darkness. • Cross out sentence 2 • Add more details How do you know that?

16. I do Morse became a painter and worked as an artist for many years. Morse constructed his first primitive model of a telegraph using a homemade battery and parts from an old clock. A He was well respected as a painter of realistic portraits, and his work is exhibited at museums around the country. B He lived and painted in New York where he founded the National Academy of Design and became its president C He left painting behind when he received information that gave him an idea of how to create the telegraph. D He had always been interested in inventing machines and, with his brother, had previously applied for patents on some water pumps. Which of the following sentences would provide the best transition between these two sentences?

17. We do: Metal detecting is often thought of as something that older, retired people do. However, many young people have taken up metal detecting, too. People who metal detect have found coins, old guns, meteorites, jewelry, and even gold nuggets. This form of treasure hunting is rewarding, good exercise, and fun for people of all ages. A The detector is a long, stick-like object that can indicate where metal is located. B Doctors say that people need more exercise. C Old people can’t do a lot of things, so this is a good activity for them. D People of all ages can uncover the treasures beneath our feet. Which sentence can be added to revise this paragraph?

18. What is it called when we place new words or sentences to bridge ideas or make connections clear? • _______________. Everything was always so much fun when Alejandro was around. The house smelled like stuffed turkey, and those special rolls their grandmother had always made from scratch, golden and fluffy and dripping with butter. Raul raced his brother, Alejandro, to the dinner table almost tripping over Grandpa’s old and worn wooden cane. • Raul was ready for dinner • Raul was happy that his older brother was home for Thanksgiving. • Alejandro was away at college • What is something you learned about adding to revise?

19. APK – Day 3 We learned that when we add to revise we place new words or sentences to bridge ideas or make connections clear. Additions should make meanings clearer or enhance descriptions Hummingbirds are the smallest of all birds. Hummingbirds are colorful creatures that range in size from 2 ¼ to 8 ½ inches in length. They can fly up to 60 miles per hour, moving their wings and an amazing 50 to 75 beats for second! Hummingbirds burn so much energy that they are need to eat almost constantly during daylight hours. I could add the sentence, Hummingbirds are record-breaking birds, to the beginning of the sentence to best engage the readers.

20. APK – Day 3 Hummingbirds are the smallest of all birds. Hummingbirds are colorful creatures that range in size from 2 ¼ to 8 ½ inches in length. They can fly up to 60 miles per hour, moving their wings and an amazing 50 to 75 beats for second! Hummingbirds burn so much energy that they are need to eat almost constantly during daylight hours. • Which of these sentences would best follow the last sentence of the paragraph? • At night the fall into a deep sleep, much like hibernation. • Bird-watchers enjoy searching for different kinds of hummingbirds. • The tiny fairy hummingbird is the favorite of many bird lovers.

21. concept Change the order of the words &/or sentences. Organize by time, sequence, or logical order. Take out words or sentences that are not related to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or make connections clear. Additions should make meanings clearer or enhance descriptions Make your thoughts clearer. Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning. Omit redundancies. Ask yourself: If I knew nothing about this topic, would Iunderstand? Ex: extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly, generous, delicious, carefree First, next, last, then, after, before, consequently Ex: Therefore, then, also, in addition Ex: good nice bad funny big

22. RAJ • What does consolidating to revise mean? • Read the following sentences. Butterflies and moths are winged insects. Butterflies and moths make up the order Lepidoptera. Which sentence is an example of consolidating to revise? • Butterflies and moths are winged insects. • Butterflies and moths are both winged insects that belong to the order Lepidoptera. How do you know that?

23. In this paper I have written to explain why classic American cars from the 1950s and 1960s are still popular today. Look for Classic American cars from the 1950s and 1960s on the road and see if you agree with what I have written. Cars with fins! Cars with grills in front that depict deep-sea monsters! Yes, the 1950s and 1960s were a time of exciting vehicles. It is no wonder that hundreds of them have become classics. Which of these concluding paragraphs show revision for consolidation? A B

24. Saliva in the insect’s mouth keeps the blood flowing smoothly so that the mosquito can get all that it needs. This saliva is the liquid that causes a bump or welt to form. I am going to tell you about mosquito saliva. The saliva in the mosquito’s mouth keeps the blood flowing smoothly so that the mosquito can get all that it needs. I did not know that is what the saliva was used for. We do:Which of these concluding paragraphs show revision for consolidation? A B

25. What is it called when we use fewer words that carry powerful meaning and omit redundancies? • I am going to tell you why hummingbirds are interesting birds. They can fly up to 60 miles per hour. Their wings move at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second. • Hummingbirds are amazing creatures! Their wings move at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second, allowing them to fly up to 60 miles per hour. • What is something you learned about consolidating to revise?

26. APK – Day 4 We learned that when we consolidate to revise we use fewer words that carry powerful meaning and omit redundancies. Frank enrolled in a pottery class and Frank did this after he took a basic art class. Teacher I do • A pottery class is what Frank enrolled in after Frank took a basic art class. • After Frank took a basic art class, he enrolled in a pottery class. We do Lucy asked Robert to help install the bookshelf. It was after they had lunch. • After lunch, Lucy asked Robert to help install the bookshelf. • Helping to install the bookshelf is what Lucy asked him, it was after they had lunch.

27. concept Change the order of the words &/or sentences. Organize by time, sequence, or logical order. Take out words or sentences that are not related to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or make connections clear. Additions should make meanings clearer or enhance descriptions Make your thoughts clearer. Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning. Omit redundancies. Ask yourself: If I knew nothing about this topic, would Iunderstand? Ex: extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly, generous, delicious, carefree First, next, last, then, after, before, consequently Ex: Therefore, then, also, in addition Ex: good nice bad funny big

28. RAJ • What does clarifying to revise mean? • Which is an example of a sentence that has been clarified? • The children are going there this afternoon. • Sonya and Ricky are going to McDonalds at 5:00. How do you know that?

29. For a long time scientists wondered where comets came from. Today, most scientists believe that comets come from an unseen cloud of particles called the Oort cloud. This cloud probably surrounds our solar system. Comets are pretty. The cloud may contain between 10 and 100 trillion comets. Edmund Halley studied comets. People are fascinated by comets. I do: What sentence could be added to clarify the passage?

30. For many years, post roads were used mainly by mail riders and a few travelers. Some wagons and carts owned by farmers and merchants who shipped goods went along the bumpy roads too. By 1722, the Boston post roads were made smooth and safe enough for stagecoaches. Native Americans made their own roads many years before. Animals made trails through the plains. Gradually trail were made wider as trees were chopped down. We do: What sentence could be added to clarify the passage?

31. What is it called when we make our thoughts clearer? Closure • I am going to tell you why hummingbirds are interesting birds. They can fly up to 60 miles per hour. Their wings move at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second. • Hummingbirds are amazing creatures! Their wings move at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second, allowing them to fly up to 60 miles per hour. • What is something you learned about clarifying to revise?

32. APK – Day 5 We learned that when we clarify we make our thoughts clearer. Teacher I do Which sentence has been clarified? • Kate ate a peanut butter sandwich and potato chips for lunch. • She ate her favorite foods for lunch. We do • He read a book under the tall tree. • Juan read Diary of a Wimpy Kid under the oak tree.

33. concept Change the order of the words &/or sentences. Organize by time, sequence, or logical order. Take out words or sentences that are not related to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or make connections clear. Additions should make meanings clearer or enhance descriptions Make your thoughts clearer. Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning. Omit redundancies. Ask yourself: If I knew nothing about this topic, would Iunderstand? Ex: extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly, generous, delicious, carefree First, next, last, then, after, before, consequently Ex: Therefore, then, also, in addition Ex: good nice bad funny big

34. RAJ • What does rearranging to revise mean? (1)During summer, the animals population increases because of migration. (2) They travel, or migrate, here in late spring and leave again before winter begins. (3) Many animals, especially birds, live on the tundra only during the summer. • Which is an example what I could do to rearrange to revise? • Add more details after sentence 3 • Move sentence 2 to the end of the paragraph. How do you know that?

35. 1)The motion of a hummingbird’s wings is so fast that you can’t see them. 2) Their wings look delicate, but they’re amazingly strong. 3) A hummingbird’s moving wings can be a blur. 4)In addition, their sound makes the birds easier to locate. Which sentence could best be moved to the beginning of this paragraph? A Leave as is B Sentence 2 C Sentence 3 D Sentence 4 I do: Will rearranging these sentences to revise improve this paragraph?

36. (1)An old house leaned against trees, and a barn loomed behind it. (2)Upon closer inspection, we found a cistern on the east side of the house and a smokehouse in front. (3)We had stumbled upon a forgotten old homestead. (4)We walked around, trying to get a better look at the yard. Which sentence could best be moved to the beginning of this paragraph? A Leave as is B Sentence 2 C Sentence 3 D Sentence 4 We do:

37. What is it called when we change the order of the words &/or sentences or organize by time, sequence, or logical order? Closure (1) There are beautiful red and yellow leaves covering the ground. (2) Autumn is a great time of year to go for a walk. (3) The air is crisp and cool in your face. • Which sentence can be moved the beginning of the paragraph? • Sentence 2 • Sentence 3 • Leave as is. • What is something you learned about rearranging to revise?

38. Closure • What is improving the content and organization of your writing called? • Name and explain one of the aspects of revision we have learned. • Why is revision important?

39. Independent Practice Use the Weekly Standards Review pages 50-53 and your tree map to do the following exercises: Page 50: #3 and #4 Page 51: #1 and #2 Page 52: #3 Page 53: #1

41. Student cloze worksheet concept Placing ___ words or sentences to ______ideas or make connections clear. Additions should make meanings _______ or enhance descriptions Make your thoughts _______. Take ____ words or sentences that are ___ _______ to the main topic, are ________, or are ________ Use _____ words that carry _______ meaning. ________ redundancies. Change the _____ of the words &/or sentences. ________ by time, sequence, or logical order. Ask yourself: If I knew nothing about this topic, would Iunderstand? Ex: extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly, generous, delicious, carefree First, next, last, then, after, before, consequently Ex: Therefore, then, also, in addition Ex: good nice bad funny big