1 Peter 3:1-7

1. 1 Peter 3:1-7 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

2. Choosing A Spouse- Looking For The Right Things • Many people spend a long time making a choice for who they will spend their life with in marriage. • Sadly, it seems that many base this important decision simply on emotion, feelings, lust or looks • Many have bought into a jaded view of marriage sold to them by the media of today. • Many think marriage is a construction zone where broken people are to fixed. • Still others agonize over this- looking for the perfect prince or princess and magically live happily ever after. Marriage is real not a fairy tale.

3. The Reality • Feelings can be manipulated, they are rarely stable and change- they alone are a miserable guide for decisions (Prov 28:26- “He that trusts in his own heart is a fool: but he who walks wisely, shall be delivered”). • No one is perfect- we all have flaws. To only consider perfection is unrealistic- Christ is in heaven. • This does not mean there is no criteria to consider. Consider these biblical criteria in trying to make this second most important decision in life.

4. Basic Character Traits • Honesty- One of the basic roots of love is mutual trust ( 1 Cor 13:4-8- “Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Love never faileth:

5. Beware Of Liars • Ps. 5:9-For there is no truth in their mouth; their inmost self is destruction • How can you trust a chronic liar, a deceiver, a dishonest person? • Dishonest men do make good providers and an honest wife brings stability to marriage (Ps. 13:11- “Wealth gained by dishonesty will be diminished, but he who gathers by labor will increase.” Pr. 31:11- “The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain.” • Don’t ignore this basic trait. Don’t excuse it. If the one you marry doesn’t trust you enough to tell you the truth, how can you believe anything they say? Just because they are truthful does not mean they are compatible with you either.

6. Humility & Servant Spirit • This basic traits serves to make anyone more attractive. Being able to accept correction gracefully. Pr. 12:1- “whoever loves instruction loves knowledge- he who hates correction is stupid”-NKJV • It is the basic trait of anyone who will be a follower of Christ and is also basic to anyone who will be a good choice for marriage. • Beware of anyone who is most concerned about themselves. • The one who is self-absorbed has already found their perfect mate.

7. Trustworthiness • Trust is not given it is earned. • It is proved by time and observation • Matt 7:15-19- "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorns or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. • Marriage is based on a covenant and you need to be reasonably certain that the person will honor that covenant. Has the person demonstrated you can trust them? If a person is willing to break God’s laws and not repent in true contrition, how can you trust them to honor the laws of marriage?

8. Forgiveness • Does the person seek it and own up to their sins? Do they blame others and excuse sin? • Does the person grant forgiveness? • There are going to be disagreements even in the best of marriages. • You and your spouse are going to have to apologize to one another from time to time. • Do not marry someone who is vindictive, unforgiving and will not let the past go. • 1 Cor. 13:5- thinks no evil nor takes account of wrong • Mt. 6:15- if you do not forgive others their sins, neither will God forgive you of your sins

9. Confidence Without Arrogance • A lack of arrogance does not mean that a person cannot have confidence. • A man is love his wife as his own flesh (he must be confident in himself)- Eph. 5:28-30 • Prov. 31:25- the worthy woman is clothed in strength and respect. She believes in herself. • What happens when a person despises self? • Depression, loathing of self and others, bitterness, constant fear. • A person has to believe they have worth bestowed on them by God. He did not make junk

10. Discretion- Good Judgment • Choices have to be made. Do you want someone who makes impulsive decisions or someone who thinks before they act? Hasty people tend to be poor (Pr. 21:5)- make foolish mistakes (Pr. 29:25). The worthy woman thought about purchasing a field before she did it (Pr. 31:16). One way to check discretion is to observe how patient one is- how quickly do they lose their temper?

11. Patient- Can Wait • Some things take time. Patience gets people through rough times ( Rom. 2:7). • 1 Cor. 13:4- love is patient and is not out for instant gratification. We live in a world of instant gratification. Few know how to wait for anything. • Beware of the one who is driven by lust telling you they will make it right later. • Suppose someone stole your car and kept it for three months saying they were only borrowing it- would not hold up in court. Stealing is wrong- intent to make it right later does not change that fact-you cannot guarantee the future (James 4:13).

12. Beware Of Laziness • Industry and a good work ethic are essential for a good marriage. Marriage is work in itself • Marriage is two people working together in a family. They cannot be afraid of a challenge nor can they afford to quit at the first sign of difficulty. • Pr. 24:30-34- Laziness brings poverty. Pr. 31:13-19,27- describes the worthy woman as industrious and a real worker. • People who spend most of their time behind a computer game and live off others is not marriage material. Neither is one who sits around and eats while others work, who does not care for their appearance or plan for success in their life. Stay away from people with no goals for their life and for underachievers.

13. Be Ye Kind To One Another • Marriage involve two people living close together- there will be times when you get on one another’s nerves. Look for someone who is kind to others even when treated badly (Eph. 4:32- be kind to one another, forgiving..) • 1 Cor. 13:4- love is kind. • Why date or consider someone who treats you like a dog or garbage? • Puzzling why many young ladies seem to seek out this type of loser. Asking for trouble and abuse in every way. People who are elevated by keeping others down are dangerous- stay away!!!!!

14. Morality • 2 Cor. 6:14-19- the righteous and unrighteous cannot get along. • This is one major reason to make sure a person is a Christian before you marry them. • 1 Cor. 7:1- the person does not honor God’s laws. • They are willing to do anything including including being sexually unfaithful (Heb. 13:4). • Morality is a commitment and demands purity. One who is more interested in self fulfillment will does not respect self or others (including God).

15. 1 Corinthians 15:33 • BEWARE- evil companions corrupt good morals. • What kind of behavior should we expect in our marriage partner or our date? • Polite- choosing words carefully is wise (Ecc. 10:12; Pr. 15:4; 16:21; Col. 4:6). • Listens- no greater compliment to someone than to listen to them and remember what they say. Most men need a lot of work on this James 1:19. • Peaceful- Sign of being righteous Pr. 16:7. Why date someone you are constantly arguing with? Strife, drama- Pr. 19:13; 21:9,19; 22:10; 25:24. • Optimism- Pr. 18:14- optimism and hope pulls people through the tough times. Love always hopes (1 Cor. 13:7). Do not marry Eyore! Find someone who appreciates life, has hope and lifts you up (Col. 3:15-17).

16. Godly Character Traits • Sober- Ability to be serious about life. Does not pollute self with substances (prescription abuse also). KEEP ALCOHOL and other drugs out of your life totally. No place to be given to them ( 1 Pet. 4) They all lead to horrible things ( Prov 20:1 Wine is a mocker, Strong drink is a brawler, And whoever is led astray by it is not wise. It is not just drunkenness that is the problem. It is not alright to take just a little (unless it is for medicinal purposes) any more than it is alright to take do just a line of cocaine or a shot or heroin. The harm is within the drug. Note the next slide where the wise man tells the effects of wine that turns in the cup (intoxicating capacity and harm). • Do not let alcohol or any other drug be in your home to any degree. Let it be known that it will not be welcome should others want to bring it in.

17. Proverbs 23:29-35 Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has contentions? Who has complaints? Who has wounds without cause? Who has redness of eyes? Those who linger long at the wine, Those who go in search of mixed wine. Do not look on the wine when it is red, When it sparkles in the cup, When it swirls around smoothly; At the last it bites like a serpent, And stings like a viper. Your eyes will see strange things, And your heart will utter perverse things. Yes, you will be like one who lies down in the midst of the sea, Or like one who lies at the top of the mast, saying: "They have struck me, but I was not hurt; They have beaten me, but I did not feel it. When shall I awake, that I may seek another drink?" Man takes a drink- the drink takes a drink and the drink takes the man

18. Responsible • Own up for your actions positive or negative • Too many play the role of victim, nothing is ever their fault- pass blame. • Marriage is full of responsibilities and you do not want to be married to anyone who will not step up to their responsibilities that God has given them within marriage. • Responsibility to God comes first (Mt. 6:33) • Seek someone who feels the same about God and His word as you do.

19. Marry Someone Who Loves You • Make sure he or she knows the biblical explanation of love in 1 Cor. 13:4ff. • Many are merely in love with the concept of being in love. This is puppy love. • Love is shown in how the loved one is treated (Eph. 5:25-29,33). Notice the comparison of the church to the marriage relationship. If one is a Christian and understands Christ’s relationship to His church they will have an easier time of fathoming what true love is (gave Himself for the church). • Come and go love is not true biblical love. True love is lasting in good times and bad.

20. What Women Should Be Looking For • Leader- he will be leading your household and you will be subject to Him- leadership is not dictatorship. Leadership steps out and acts and expects others to follow. • Provider-A Christian man is to support his family. Beware of those who cannot hold a job or live off of the parents (unless you want a home in the basement of your in-laws). Beware of anyone who spends more time out of work than in it (barring economic hard times). • Security- willing to give his life for you (Eph. 5:25). • Beware of the workaholic also. He is covetous and will have a hard time giving up money for what is necessary. He loves money which is the root of all sorts of evil. • Unselfish- doesn’t have to have his way, but is always interested in what is best for “us.” • Respects God and His Word as the authority in all things.

21. What Women Should Be Looking For • Nurturing- most marriages end up with children in the picture. It only makes sense that a woman be one who loves children and can share the spotlight. A vain, selfish woman cannot do this. • A meek and quiet spirit- 1 Pet. 3:3-4. An empty-headed woman who is boisterous and talks incessantly and listens little will be a constant drip- drip-drip on a man and he will end up resenting her. • One who fears the Lord- Prov. 31:30

22. But What About Looks? • Does it matter? Of course it does. • Is it the most important thing? No • Is it important to keep yourself attractive? Yes. • Ladies read Proverbs 31 and you will see a woman who has pride in herself and values herself. She knows that she is valuable to the right kind of man and wants to appeal to him and keep herself for him. • Eph. 5 tells us that a man should love his wife commensurate with the love he has for himself. If he does not care for himself, it can send the message to the wife that he does not care for her.

23. We Are Falling Apart- Looks Don’t Last Eccl 12:1-7---the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them; While the sun, or the light, or the moon, or the stars, be not darkened, nor the clouds return after the rain: In the day when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those that look out of the windows be darkened, And the doors shall be shut in the streets, when the sound of the grinding is low, and he shall rise up at the voice of the bird, and all the daughters of musick shall be brought low; Also when they shall be afraid of that which is high, and fears shall be in the way, and the almond tree shall flourish, and the grasshopper shall be a burden, and desire shall fail: because man goeth to his long home, and the mourners go about the streets: Or ever the silver cord be loosed, or the golden bowl be broken, or the pitcher be broken at the fountain, or the wheel broken at the cistern. Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it.

24. Where Do I Find Someone? • You look in the right places. • If you want to find oil you sink the well where you are most likely to find it. • You do not always know what you want, observe people and see who is someone that is all God would be pleased with and will help you go to heaven. • Visit other places- Seek out those who have common interests. • Put yourself in proximity to those who you would consider compatible. Ladies do not chase! Men do not be backward!

25. Where Are These People? • Hopefully all Christian parents are raising up just such young people. Some people in the world do a better job of this than Christians do. Make sure one is a Christian before you marry them, but do not discount and ignore true biblical character in anyone. • Fathers are you raising up daughters that are godly first? Are you raising up sons who will seek godliness first? • Mom’s are you living your dreams through your daughters? Are you guiding your sons to look for the right things in girls? • Are these people rare? Yes, but wait until you find one of them to commit yourself in marriage.

26. Are There Any Guarantees? • No. • Some have done all the right things and still end up in an unhappy marriage- this is the exception and not the rule. • Do some marriages succeed where people are not this way? Yes, but only when these people turn to the Lord and His ways. This is an exception also. • Don’t base your marriage decisions on being the exception. Do all you can to make sure things are in order that is pleasing to God and then work-work- work to keep it that way. Satan hates good relationships (1 Pet. 5:8). • Look at who someone is not who you hope they will become. Look for a changed person, not a dream. • Once married honor the commitment and do not seek anyone else.

27. Marrying A Non-Christian • Why would you ‘pitch your tent toward Sodom’? There are so many choices to make, why base this decision on someone you are going to fix and not someone who has let God fix them? • It is not a sin to marry a non-Christian, but it is the most unwise and illogical decision you can ever make! 1 Cor. 15:33- evil companions corrupt good morals. Talk with Christians who have married unbelievers and ask them if they recommend it? • Who hitches an ox and an ass together (Deut 22:10-Thou shall not plow with an ox and an ass together). It makes no sense. Don’t start out in the hole in your marriage. Base your love on the Lord and His ways. Religious differences are one of the main cause of divorce. How can a man raise up his children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord is he is not a child of God himself? What difference does it make to a worldly woman whether or not she guides her house scripturally?

28. What About Dating? • Why would you date someone you would not be interested in marrying? • Again, you have to also make sure that you are compatible and that comes with dating others. • Remember that while dating and shopping, you are not to pass yourself around nor give your special gift of virginity to anyone other than your spouse after marriage. • Guard yourself and be careful not to be naïve and gullible. Once the love bug bites it is hard to talk reasonably with anyone. Before it bites, make sure your criteria is in keeping with God’s will.

29. A Word To Mom’s And Dad’s • Guard yourself from the danger of picking out your child’s spouse. • We do not live in the mid-east or in a time when parents choose their children’s spouses. • Kids can resent you guidance and you can drive them into the arms of someone that is harmful to them. • Kids listen to wisdom from wise people (including your parents). • Parents and kids remember that if you are old enough to get married you are old enough to choose who you marry. Once you have made the choice, let the kids know that there is no turning back. What God has joined together let no man put asunder!