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1. Grr POLARCOM ORGANIZATIONAL CHART POLARCOM Commander: MG Glacier Chief of Staff: COL Icicle Headquarters: A secret location in the Arctic POLARTY (Polar Artillery)++ LTC Sealkiller Headquarters: Arctic Nat’l Wildlife Refuge Bering Regiment “The Maulers” LTC Avalanche HQ: Nome, Alaska Hudson Bay Regiment “The Ice Stalkers” LTC Iceberg HQ: Churchill, Manitoba Greenland Regiment “Maltrakterer” LTC Forkølelse HQ: Gødthab** Norsk Regiment “Ødelegger” LTC Sne HQ: Longyearbyen, NO POLARSOC (Polar Special Operations Command) LTC Icepick HQ: The North Pole (about 3 km from Santa’s workshop) Kotzebue Company (Mechanized) HQ: A Den near the main office of the Cape Krusenstern National Monument, Alaska Beluga Company HQ: Churchill Qanaaq Company HQ: Thule** Nordkapp Company HQ: Hammerfest, NO Commando Company (currently conducting unspecified operations in Prudhoe Bay) Walrus Company HQ: Southampton Island, Canada Spitsbergen Company HQ: Ny Friesland, NO Knud Rasmussen Company HQ: Daneborg** Parachute Company HQ: Ukkusiksalik NP, Nunavut Territory+ Fairbanks Company (Armor) HQ: Fairbanks, AK* Seal Company HQ: Baffin Island, Canada Wandel Sea Company (Amphibious) HQ: Long 19W, Lat 83N Haakon Company HQ: Oslo, NO* Mountain Company (Polar Bear-Grizzly Joint Operations) HQ: Glacier NP, MT Yukon Company (Mechanized) HQ: Ivvavik NP, Yukon Recon Troop HQ: White Bear Lake, MN * = Deployed to Afghanistan ** = Deployed to Antarctica (Peacekeeping operation to end leopard seal-penguin wars) + = Deployed to Iraq (Kurdistan) ++ = POLARTY consists of 2 batteries of bear-propelled 155mm howitzers, one battery of bear-propelled 203mm guns, and a target acquisition battery equipped with seal-breathing-hole-detecting radars, all located in the ANWR = Active duty = Reserve

2. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • Biblical era: • Gideon was able to win victory with only 300 soldiers, because he also had 30 polar bears • Joshua made the walls of Jericho collapse because marching around the city 7 times was actually a ruse to cover the advance of several polar bears, who whacked the walls down. • Sennacherib lifted the siege of Jerusalem, not because of a plague, but because he heard a relief force of polar bears was approaching. • Samson was a polar bear

3. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • Bronze Age: • During the siege of Troy, Hector was killed by a polar bear, who dragged his carcass around the city before ripping his skin off in full view of his parents (the polar bear didn’t mean to cause insult – he just thought that, like a seal, Hector might have a nice layer of blubber under his skin)

4. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • Classical Era: • Julius Caesar was once quoted as saying, “Vene, Vidi, Vici, until I ran into an army of polar bears, when I figured that I should probably stop.” • The Norman Conquest • The saying, “Harold died with an arrow to his eye,” is actually a mistranslation of the Middle English text. The correct translation is, “Harold died because a polar bear ripped his guts out.” • The Hundred Year War • Most of the French nobility were devoured by polar bears at Agincourt after English longbowmen shot their horses.

5. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • American War of Independence • Cornwallis planned to continue holding out at Yorktown, until two of his redoubts were captured by polar bears. • Norwegian Independence • Sweden granted Norway her independence in 1905, but only because several hundred polar bears had surrounded Stockholm.

6. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • World War One • During fighting in 1918, the Bering regiment earned the nickname, “Insatiable appetites of the Marne.”

7. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • World War Two • POLARCOM (then known as “the polar bear army”) first mobilized in 1939 to fight against the Soviets in Finland. This is one of the main reasons Finland was able to fight the USSR to a standstill. • POLARCOM was officially created as a clause in a little-known attachment to the Atlantic Charter entitled “The Arctic Ocean Charter” • POLARCOM fought alongside British and Norwegian forces against the German invasion in 1940, but were forced to withdraw to Spitsbergen. • From 1940-1944, POLARCOM fought mostly small-unit actions alongside the Norwegian Resistance. • In 1944-45, POLARCOM deployed in full to Scandinavia in order to cut off the retreat of German units from the USSR through Finland. In one of POLARCOM’s greatest moments, a single POLARCOM company devoured the entire 160th SS Panzergrenadier Regiment. • One POLARCOM commando company fought in the Aleutians. • In a little-known incident, POLARCOM commandos swam the Pacific, boarded the Japanese battleship Musashi, and ate the crew. However, the commandos were forced to abandon their prize when they realized that polar bears don’t know how to sail battleships.

8. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • Korean War • The UN voted to resist North Korean aggression because the Soviet ambassador, who was planning to veto the resolution, was trapped in his house by an angry polar bear. • The Inchon invasion succeeded thanks to polar bears swimming ashore ahead of the main invasion force and devouring the North Korean shore batteries. • A POLARCOM battalion fought alongside the US Marines at the Chosin reservoir for two weeks before being forced to withdraw due to extreme hunger (the Chinese and North Korean soldiers were too skinny to eat).

9. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • The Arab-Israeli Wars • Fast-moving polar bear squads attached to the Palmach contributed greatly to Israel’s victory in the 1948 War of Independence • The six-day war of 1967 is known to polar bears as “The Six-Day Feast” • Israel was near defeat in the 1973 Yom Kippur War until polar bears swam the Suez Canal and smashed the Egyptian Surface-to-Air missile batteries on the western side.

10. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • The Cold War • POLARCOM defeated a Soviet plan to infiltrate trained seals to sabotage the Alaska oil pipeline. • There was a little-known plan that in the event of war, polar bears were to ambush any Soviet missile submarines trying to surface through the Arctic pack ice. • Every Ballistic Missile Early Warning System (BMEWS) radar site had a POLARCOM squad for security. • A recently declassified plan called for polar bears to wait next to Soviet ICBM silos, and if the missiles were ever fired, the bears would whack them as they came up.

11. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • The Vietnam War • Unfortunately, political and climatological considerations stopped LBJ from mobilizing POLARCOM to fight in Vietnam.

12. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • The First Gulf War • After conquering Kuwait, Saddam Hussein balked at continuing his advance into Saudi Arabia because of the rapid deployment of the POLARCOM parachute company. • POLARCOM was instrumental in the encirclement of Iraqi forces in Kuwait. The “Highway of Death” is known to polar bears as “The Great Smorgasbord just north of Kuwait City.” • POLARCOM were the only coalition force to provide aid to the 1991 Iraq uprisings, sending a company each to support the Kurds in the north and the Shia in the south as part of “Operation Provide Mauling.”

13. Great Moments in POLARCOM History • The Former Yugoslavia • The Dayton Accords were signed only after Pres. Clinton threatened to deploy polar bears to eat all the warring parties • Rwanda • It is a little-known fact that the Rwandan genocide ended only after two companies of polar bears showed up to set everyone straight. • Due to the secrecy of the deployment (and to avoid offending gorilla sensibilities), Gen. Dallaire was not allowed to mention this in his memoirs.