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Out of the Box: Skills in Working With Men

Out of the Box: Skills in Working With Men. Alan Lyme, LCSW, CAP, ICADC alanlyme@yahoo.com. Male-Specific Treatment. Facts about men. What are men taught? What do we ask of men in treatment? How to effect change in men. Why alternative therapies work with men. Facts About Men.

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Out of the Box: Skills in Working With Men

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  1. Out of the Box:Skills in Working With Men Alan Lyme, LCSW, CAP, ICADC alanlyme@yahoo.com

  2. Male-Specific Treatment • Facts about men. • What are men taught? • What do we ask of men in treatment? • How to effect change in men. • Why alternative therapies work with men.

  3. Facts About Men • Majority of children abused, neglected, and murdered are boys (Kipnis, 1999) • Most of the children in foster-care, shelters, and juvenile institutions are boys (Kipnis, 1999) • 80% of student suspensions, expulsions, grade failures, special education referrals, school violence casualties, and all other assault victims are boys (Gurian, 2007)

  4. More Facts About Men • 70% of all suicides are men (CDC, 06) • 70% of all addicts/alcoholics are men (Powell, 03) • 80% of the homeless are boys/men. (NAEH, 06) • 80% of homicide victims are men (US DoJ, 03) • 93% of prisoners are men (US DoJ, 03) • 99% of executed prisoners are men (US DoJ, 03)

  5. What are men taught? • That they are expendable. • That they shouldn’t express emotions. • That they must succeed at all costs.

  6. What are men taught? • That only women can be depended on for emotional needs. • That they “need” sex and should know how to please their mate. • That fatherhood is not as important as motherhood. • That they must always appear strong and confident.

  7. The “Male Brain”

  8. Out of the box…. Be vulnerable Take risks, believe Share emotions Accept the ideas of others

  9. How to Effect Change Duncan, Hubble, & Miller: The Heart and Soul of Change

  10. Module I Being a Man. Act like a man Men relating to men The pain of acting like a man Changing your relationships with men. Focus Groups

  11. Focus Groups Module II Father/Son – Mother/Son Relationships • Family of Origin • Fathers/Mothers • Images of self

  12. Focus Groups Module III Emotions 101 1. Interpersonal violence: Anger and Rage (Emotional regression - DETOUR) 2. Emotional awareness 3. Bridging the chasm DETOUR TM John Lee

  13. What is Anger and Why Does Everyone Try To Avoid It? • Anger is a primary emotion. It does not “cover” fear, sadness, loneliness or other feelings. It is not negative, and cannot be avoided. It needs to be felt, experienced and expressed appropriately, and if it is, it hurts no one. It can be used to help, heal, and connect. It can right wrongs and stop injustices. • By accessing one’s anger, people can gather strength to say no to abuse; they get out of bad marriages, dead-end jobs, unhealthy situations.

  14. What is Anger and Why Does Everyone Try To Avoid It? • When anger is expressed appropriately, the person often feels energized and peaceful. • Anger expressed can show appreciation and respect. The healthy expression of anger can make people feel more connected, intimate and closer than before. • Anger is the most misunderstood of all the emotions humans are blessed and cursed with. Anger is a feeling.

  15. What is Rage and Why No One Avoids It? • Rage is not a feeling and it cannot be classified as an emotion. It hides feelings such as sadness, fear and loneliness. It is always negative, but it can be avoided. Rage immediately or ultimately ends up hurting the one expressing it and the one being raged at. • It is damaging because it is a behavior or action that is always disproportional to the thing said, not said, done or not done. • Rage, like cocaine or alcohol numbs feelings and emotions and it is legal, plentiful and readily available.

  16. What is Rage and Why No One Avoids It? • Rage is always about “there and then”. Rage is about a person’s history so it takes forever to express and never results in resolution. Rage equals pain; it shows disrespect and pushes lovers, children, clients, and friends right out the door. • Aristotle said, “One can become angry, but to become angry with the right person, at the right time and to the right degree. That is not easy.” When we become angry with the wrong person we cross the line over into no-man’s land—rage.

  17. Defining Emotional Regression • A return to your past/history • Feeling less than the powerful adult you normally can be • Feeling small or little • The statement, “I lost it”, could mean you lost your balance, perspective, ability to be reasonable, logical, rational, mature or adult.

  18. Causes of Emotional Regression • Too much of some things (noise, criticism, information, attention, analyzing, judging.) • Too little of some things (attention, information, encouragement, appreciation, or respect.) • Certain looks, sounds, body language, tone of voice or certain words.

  19. Results of Rampant & Unchecked Regression • Regret • Premature dismissal or termination of employees, friends or family • Confusion and chaos • Poor boundaries and limits • Bad choices and decisions • Needless confrontations and conflicts

  20. Focus Groups Module IV Sexuality • Sexuality and addiction • Body image • Sexual identity • Sexual abuse

  21. Focus Groups Module V Spirituality • What is spirituality? • Prayer and meditation • Creating a vision

  22. Quotes from M. Scott Peck The great awareness comes slowly, piece by piece. The path of spiritual growth is a path of lifelong learning. The experience of spiritual power is basically a joyful one. There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community. Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

  23. Integrated Therapies • Experiential Therapy • ROPES • Art Therapy • Psychodrama • Tai Chi • Yoga

  24. Experiential Therapy • Spiders Web • Alligator Alley • TP Shuffle • Group Juggle • Magic Carpet • Trust Walk

  25. Art Therapy • The Bridge • Clay Sculpting • Vision Mapping • The Mask

  26. Humor • Laughter is the best medicine • Encourage non-offensive humor • Encourage sillyness when appropriate • Interject humor in dry educational material • Find a style that works for you

  27. Summary • Specific male issues require specific focus. • Motivational approach breaks down typical dominant/submissive barriers. • Therapeutic milieu is critical for relationship building and trust. • Holistic approach addresses whole issue. • Integrated therapies open the male heart.

  28. End of story…. Thank You!

  29. References • Ackerman, Robert J. (1993). Silent Sons: A Book For and About Men. Fireside • Andrew, Stephen. (1993) Courageous Men (audiotape). Spritwind Tape Series, • Andrew, Stephen. (1994) Anger: Rage or Passion? (audiotape). Spiritwind Tape Series. • Capacchione, Lucia, Ph.D. (1991). Recovery of Your Inner Child. Fireside: Simon and Schuster. • Carnes, Patrick. (1992) Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Hazelden • CASA (Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University). (1996). Substance Abuse and the American Woman. New York, New York. • Covington, Stephanie, Ph.D. (1994) A Woman’s Way Through the Twelve Steps. Hazelden. • David, D. & Brannon, R. (1976). The Male Sex Role: Our culture's blueprint of manhood, and what it's done for us lately. Addison-Wesley Publishing Company.

  30. References cont’d • Duncan, Hubble and Miller, (1999). The Heart and Soul of Change: What Works in Therapy. APA, Washington. • Goldberg, Herb, Ph.D. (1976). The Hazards of Being Male: Surviving the Myth of Masculine Privilege. Wellness Institute Inc. • Greenberg, S. (1979). Right from the Start: A Guide to Nonsexist Child-Rearing.. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. • Gurian, Michael.(2005) The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life. John Wiley, New York • Hoffman, N. & Harrison, P. (1991). The Chemical Abuse Treatment Outcome Registry (CATOR). Hazelden. • Keen, Sam, Ph.D. (1991). Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man. Bantam Books. • Kindlom, Dan, Ph.D. & Thompson, Michael, Ph.D. (1999). Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. Ballentine Books. • Kipnis, Aaron, Ph.D. (1999). Angry Young Men. Jossey-Boss Publishers, • Kivel, Paul (1992). Men’s Work: How to Stop the Violence that Tears Our Lives Apart, Hazelden.

  31. References cont’d • Kivel, Paul (1999). Boys Will Be Men: Raising Our Sons for Courage, Care, and Community. New Society Publishers. • Lee, John. (1993). Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately. Bantum Books. • Lyme, A., Powell, D., and Andrew, S. (2008). Men’s Healing: A Toolbox for Life. Hanley Hope Publishing. • Miller, William, Ph.D. & Rollnick, Stephen, Ph.D. (2002). Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People for Change. The Guilford Press. • Pollack, William Ph.D. (1999). Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood. Random House • Real, Terrence. (1997). I Don’t Want to Talk About It. Scribner • SAMHSA. (1996) www.oas.samhsa.gov • Schneider, Burt, (1992). The Cocaine Sex Connection: Understanding Our Sexual Acting Out. Hazelden • US Dept. of Justice, (2004). www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs

  32. Contact Alan Lyme, LCSW, CAP, ICADC Vortex Counseling and Consulting 561 254-3757 alanlyme@yahoo.com

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