Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation: Lessons Learned from the Amish

1. Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Lessons Learned from the Amish

2. Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Lessons Learned from the Amish • Workshop Objectives: • Have detailed knowledge concerning what it means to forgive and to pardon, and how these two separate constructs are related; • Understand the relationship between the compassion found in forgiveness and pardoning and subjective well being; and • Have learned exercises intended to facilitate the motivation to seek and to extend to others forgiveness and pardon.

3. Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Lessons Learned from the Amish • Thursday Morning: • Review of the Events of 10/02/2006 • Amish Theology of Forgiveness • Overview of other Religious points of view, as well • Psychology of Forgiveness (1) • Thursday Afternoon: • Psychology of Forgiveness (2)

4. Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Lessons Learned from the Amish • Friday Morning: • Forgiveness Exercise: “Why Forgive?” • Empirical Support for Forgiveness Therapy • Health Benefits • Emotional Healing • Friday Afternoon: • The Work of Reconciliation • Personal and National Healing

5. Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Lessons Learned from the Amish • Events of October 2, 2006 • The Invasion: 10:25 a.m. • Police Notified: 10:36 a.m. • Police & Emergency Personnel Arrive: 10:42 a.m. • The Shooting Begins: 11:07 a.m. • The Rescue: 11:10 a.m. • Aftermath: October 2nd through 4th • The Victims

6. Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Lessons Learned from the Amish • News Media Coverage: • First Day Coverage: • http://www.boston.com/partners/worldnow/necn.html?catID=83458&clipid=988492&autoStart=true&mute=false&continuous=true • Second Day Coverage: http://wcbstv.com/video/?id=92146@wcbs.dayport.com • Third Day Coverage: http://wcco.com/video/?id=20265@wcco.dayport.com • On the day of the Burials: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_D_Z9bskqM

7. Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Lessons Learned from the Amish • One Week Later: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9016523483392225435 • Bill Moyers on “Amish Grace,” one year later: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/blog/2007/10/bill_moyers_essay_amish_grace.html

8. Amish Grace: The Theology of Forgiveness • Over 100 years of persecution led to emigration to Pennsylvania and religious freedom • No Amish remain in Europe • Estimated to be over 165,000 Old Order Amish in the United States and Canada • Reference: Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy by Kraybill, Nolt, and Weaver-Zercher

9. Amish Grace: The Theology of Forgiveness • Thy Will Be Done: • Foundation of Amish Theology is Gelassenheit (yieldedness or submission) • Characterizes one’s relationship with God • Living within God’s Divine Order as revealed by Christ

10. The Nature of Galassenheit • God works in the world with the “power of powerlessness” • Yield to one another, renounce self defense, give up the desire for justification or efforts at revenge • Always seeking to discern “God’s Plans” behind events

11. The Nature of Galassenheit • Not Fatalistic; that is, Humans possess choices of ultimate significance • Whether to make a commitment to Christ (Baptism is an adult choice, made after adolescents are allowed a year of living as an “English”) • Galassenheit requires discernment that may lead to • Resistance to government rules (i.e. military service) • Refusal to attend public schools

12. The Nature of Galassenheit • One does not argue with God • One yields to church authority; willing to accept the Ordnung (rules of the church) • One’s humility and modesty testify to Gelassenheit

13. The Nature of Galassenheit • Collectivist vs. Individualist Culture • Dress in prescribed clothing • Refuse to pose for photographs • Drive in horse drawn carriages • “Resist not evil, but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39)

14. Amish Grace: The Theology of Forgiveness • Dirk Willems Rescues His Pursuer: • Executed on May 16, 1569 • Amish martyrs submitted their lives to God & extended forgiveness to those about to kill them.

15. Amish Grace: The Theology of Forgiveness • Gospel Reading for Sunday, October 1, 2006: Matthew 18: 21 – 35

16. Amish Grace: The Theology of Forgiveness • Origins in Christian Theology: Matthew 6:9 – 13, The Lord’s Prayer Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed by thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

17. Amish Grace: The Theology of Forgiveness • The Lord’s Prayer • First prayer learned as a child • Recited at EVERY gathering • First act in the morning • Last act in the evening • Communal nature of Amish society REQUIRES constant forgiveness • “Individualism is the great divide between us and outsiders.” (40 year old Amish father)

18. Amish Grace: The Theology of Forgiveness • Matthew 6:14 – 15 • For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. • The purpose of life is to go to Heaven; spend eternity with God • ALL people are sinners • ALL people are forgiven their sins IF they unconditionally forgive everyone

19. Forgiveness in Judaism • Individual Forgiveness cannot be separated from the context of community • Forgiveness and Repentance are inextricably linked • Cannot allow another’s transgression to distract us from the need for self-reflection and cleansing (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur) • The individual is commanded by G-d to accept the offender’s apology • The act of forgiveness is part of the obligation to practice “Tikkun Olan,” the repairing of the world

20. Forgiveness in Islam • In the Qur’an Allah has described the Believers as “those who avoid major sins and acts of indecencies and when they are angry they forgive.” (al-Shura 42:37) • Later in the same Surah Allah says, “The reward of the evil is the evil thereof, but whosoever forgives and makes amends, his reward is upon Allah.” (al-Shura 42:40) • The Prophet in Ta’if

21. Forgiveness in Buddhism • Dialectic between Happiness & Suffering • Mindfulness and Acceptance of the Universality of Suffering leads to Wisdom & Compassion • To not forgive is to perpetuate endless cycles of resentment, anger, fear, despair (suffering) • To not forgive is to remain trapped in dualistic thinking (Ignorance)

22. Forgiveness in Alcoholics Anonymous • Focuses on being forgiven: • If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. • 9th Step focuses on making amends, NOT on asking for forgiveness

23. Psychology of ForgivenessPrimary References • Helping Clients Forgive: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope by Enright and Fitzgibbons • Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope by Enright • The Power of Forgiveness Website: http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/ • Fetzer Institute Forgiveness Website: http://www.fetzer.org/LoveAndForgive/CommunityConversations.html

24. Psychology of Forgiveness • Starting with Anger • Internal state (feelings & thoughts) • External state (verbal & behavioral) • Physiological Arousal + Emotional Pain • Response to Unjust Treatment by Another

25. Psychology of Forgiveness • Psychosocial Consequences of Anger • Damaged Interpersonal Relationships • Workplace Problems • Poor Decision Making & Risk Taking • Substance Abuse • Diminished Motor Capacity • Medical Consequences of Anger • Coronary Heart Disease • High Cholesterol • Strokes • Cancer • Stress Related Illnesses (IBS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia etc.)

26. Psychology of Forgiveness • Features of Anger in Forgiveness Therapy • Focused on another person or other people • Intense, at least in the short term • A learned pattern of annoyance, irritation, and acrimony w/ others who may not be the source of the anger • Can be extreme in passivity or hostility • Regressive; that is, appropriate for someone much younger • The anger abides • Based on a REAL injustice and hurt

27. Forgiveness & Morality • Morality = Quest for the Good in relation to others • Focused on interpersonal relationships, with emphasis on having good intentions for other people • When one is wronged one seeks Justice • “Eye for an eye” • When one is wronged one extends Mercy • Genuine extension of beneficence to the offender • Forgiving emphasizes Mercy over Justice

28. Forgiveness & Transformation • Forgiving leads to several alterations • The forgiver changes previous responses toward the offender • The forgiver’s emotional state changes for the better • Relationships may improve

29. Definition of Forgiving People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when the willfully abandonresentment and related responses (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right).

30. Definition of Forgiving • “Rationally Determining” • Does not hastily judge the offender • Forgiver is free of mental defect (does not distort reality) • Forgiver sees that the other has committed a moral wrong • “Willfully abandon” • Active engagement in changing the response to the moral wrong • Accomplished by a conscious decision-making process

31. Definition of Forgiving • “Abandoning Resentment” • Decreases negative emotions • Decreases negative thoughts • Decreases negative behaviors • “Beneficence” (A sense of goodness in which a person aids others without thought of what they have done or could do for him/her) • Increases positive emotions • Increases positive thoughts • Increases positive behaviors

32. Definition of Forgiving • “Compassion” • A moral emotion in which one suffers along with the other • Implies that the injured feels sympathetic toward the offender because that person is also a human being • “Unconditional Worth” • The offender is a person • ALL persons have worth IN SPITE OF the wrongs they may do

33. Definition of Forgiving • “Generosity” • One gives the offender more than he/she deserves, because of Unconditional Worth • A conferral of mercy upon the offender • “Moral Love” • An investment in the well being of another person • Agape: Bringing an open and softened heart to all people, including offenders

34. The Paradox of Forgiving • One gives up what one has a right to • Resentment • Revenge • Retribution • One gives to another that which is not necessarily deserved • Beneficence as defined by • Compassion, Unconditional Worth, Generosity, and Moral Love

35. What Forgiveness Is Not • Pardoning: A public act of jurisprudence (forgiveness is private) • Condoning: Recognition of a moral infraction but tolerated do to circumstances (forgiving does not tolerate the injustice) • Reconciliation: Involves TWO people (forgiveness belongs to the forgiver alone); conditional on the offender’s willingness and ability to change offensive ways

36. What Forgiveness Is Not • Conciliation: To appease, gain someone’s favor through pleasing acts, to placate • Justification: If the offenders action was actually justified, then forgiveness is not appropriate • Forgetting: Forgiving IS NOT “forgive and forget” or “put the past behind you” • Forgiving is REMEMBERING in new ways

37. What Forgiveness Is Not • Becoming Less Disappointed: Forgiver remains disappointed in the other’s behaviors, but lessens his/her own suffering • Balancing Scales: An aspect of Justice, not Mercy • May be needed, but subsequent to Forgiving • Self-Centering: Forgiving IS NOT focused on the forgiver’s well being • Paradoxically focuses on the humanity of the offender and compassionate understanding

38. Forgiveness is Developmental • Varies based on the level of Cognitive Complexity of the individual • Forgiveness therapy must take this into account • Therapist can help the client grow developmentally through the therapy • If the client feels “stuck” in anger, it may be a clue to a lower level of complexity

39. Forgiveness is DevelopmentalStyles of Forgiveness • Revengeful Forgiveness: needs to punish • Restitutional Forgiveness: needs restitution • Expectational Forgiveness: Only forgives when pressured to

40. Forgiveness is DevelopmentalStyles of Forgiveness • Lawful Expectational Forgiveness: When my religion demands it of me • Forgiveness as Social Harmony: When it decreases friction and conflict in society • Forgiveness as Love: Agape; Unconditional worth of all humans

41. The Process Model of Forgiveness Therapy • Assumption: • Forgiveness is a process, an unfolding, that • Does not run smoothly • Is filled with starts and stops • Eventually culminates in reducing anger and enhancing compassion • Forgiveness is not a decision only • Deciding to forgive is a part of the process • Necessary, but not sufficient

42. The Process Model of Forgiveness Therapy • Forgiveness happens in Phases • Each phase contains several units • The phases and units are not invariant for every process of forgiving • Phases/Units provide a road map to help the therapist and client discern what route will bring relief • A blueprint for an anger/forgiveness Case Conceptualization

43. The Process Model of Forgiveness Therapy • Uncovering Phase: Client gains insight into whether and how the injustice and subsequent injury have compromised his/her life. • Decision Phase: Client gains an understanding of the nature of forgiveness and makes a decision to commit to forgiving on the basis of this understanding.

44. The Process Model of Forgiveness Therapy • Work Phase: Client gains a cognitive understanding of the offender and begins to view the offender in a new light, resulting in positive change in affect about the offender, about the self, and about the relationship. • Deepening Phase: Client finds meaning in the suffering, feels more connected with others, and experiences decreased negative affect and, at times, renewed purpose in life.

45. Uncovering Phase Unit One: Examining Psychological Defenses and Issues Involved • The client may not know he/she is angry, due to the effectiveness of the defense • Assess whether certain defenses are preventing the client from rationally examining what happened • Help the client understand what happened and who was unfair • Typical Defenses include Denial, Repression, and Displacement

46. Uncovering Phase Unit Two:Confronting Anger • Once defenses break down, client may become very angry, which can linger for months or years • Therapist must • Acknowledge the anger • Allow for its expression • Set as a goal its diminution toward the offender

47. Uncovering Phase Unit Three:Admitting Shame • Some Unfairnesses precipitate shame in the offended person: • Childhood sexual abuse, particularly incest • Other forms of childhood and adult abuse • Divorce • Spousal abandonment • Termination of employment • Anger + Shame = A Lot of Suffering • Therapist helps the client work through the shame; perhaps uncover secondary anger (at those who instigate shame (i.e. gossipers)

48. Uncovering Phase Unit Four:Awareness of Depletion of Emotional Energy • Anger + Shame + Suffering is exhausting! • Therapist must recognize how fatiguing this is • Reduction in Anger/Shame etc. can be part of client’s motivation to consider Forgiveness

49. Uncovering Phase Unit Five:Awareness of Cognitive Rehearsal • Angry people become preoccupied with the offense • Can include dream life, as well • Often people are unaware of their preoccupation; has become normal • Insight concerning preoccupation can be motivational, as well

50. Uncovering Phase Unit Six:Comparing Self and Offender • Comparison of client’s unfortunate state with offender’s fortunate state • Deepens client anger; can lead to envy • Insight concerning comparisons can be motivational to client