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Helicopter Parenting: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Helicopter Parenting: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Adriana Restrepo Muñoz, Ph.D. Gulliver Preparatory School. Overview. How we became the “Generation of Helicoptering” Definitions Consequences for both you and your children Tips on becoming a “healthy” helicopter .

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Helicopter Parenting: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

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  1. Helicopter Parenting:The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Adriana Restrepo Muñoz, Ph.D. Gulliver Preparatory School

  2. Overview • How we became the “Generation of Helicoptering” • Definitions • Consequences for both you and your children • Tips on becoming a “healthy” helicopter

  3. GENERATIONAL DIFFERENCES

  4. Generational Differences • Boomers – 1943-1960 • Value hard work • Controlling • Optimistic • Submit to authority • Indulged as children: • Post war optimism • Parent/Child involvement: Receding • Gen X – 1961 – 1981 • Take job seriously • Entrepreneurial • Apathetic/cynical • Low level of trust toward authority • Alienated as kids • Era of the Latchkey Child • Parent/child Involvement: Distant Twenge, Jean M ( 2006) Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled– and More Miserable Than Ever Before Vienne, Kristy Director, BearkatOneCard Services & Student Money Mgmt Center, Sam Houston State University. Powerpoint Presentation : Working with Our Clients and their Helicopter Parents.

  5. Rise of the Millennials1982-2002 • Adaptable • Technologically Savvy • Believe they can be anything they want • Embrace being different • Clothing and tattoos seen as a way to express to themselves • Motto: “Free to me and free to be you” • Scheduled lives • Protected as Kids

  6. More Characteristics of the Millennials • Parent/Child Involvement: Intruding • Get trophies for participation rather than victory • Share a lot of information about themselves • Expect to get to the top quickly • Think they are equal to authority • Increase rate of anxiety and depression • Gap between optimism growing up and reality

  7. HELICOPTER PARENTING

  8. How Pervasive is it? • Google: 1.4 million articles • Books: 136 listed books on Amazon • Colleges: Parent Relation Specialists; “Hi Mom” Webcam • Companies: Creating welcome packages for parents; seminars on how to work with parents • Websites: www.overindulgence.info

  9. DEFINITION of OVERINDULGENCE • Too Much: too many toys, clothes, activities, sports, lessons, camps, privileges, entertainment. • Over-nurture: doing things for children that they can and should be doing for themselves at each developmental stage. It also involves excessive parental attention (hovering and smothering). • Soft structure: not having rules, not enforcing rules, not having chores, giving too much freedom, allowing children to dominate the family. Bredehoft, David J., Ph.D. (2007). “Effortless Childhood, Responding to Overindulged Children.” Lutheran Education Journal. Winter 26-29

  10. DEFINITION OF HELICOPTER PARENT • Parents who constantly hover over their child/ren in search of danger. • Micromanaging every aspect of their lives. • They rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them or letting them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children's wishes. • They hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach whether their children need them or not • There are two main types:

  11. Rescue Helicopter Parent

  12. Rescue Helicopter Parents • Common Characteristics • Swoop down at first hint of trouble • Provide money, supplies, support • Motto: NO PAIN IS GAIN • Example: • Lie to school about student being absent • Brings homework to school if child leaves it at home • Calls/email teachers constantly about every low grade • Makes excuses for child’s mistake • Does projects/fills out college applications/resumes • Cell phones have created the longest umbilical cord

  13. BLACK HAWK HELICOPTER PARENT

  14. RAMBO BLACK HAWK

  15. CHARACTERISTICS OF BLACK HAWK PARENTS • SHOOT FIRST…ASK QUESTIONS LATER • USE ANGER AND INTIMIDATION TO GET THEIR WAY • LOUD, NOISY, AND GUNS ARE ALWAYS BLAZING • CHILD IS NEVER WRONG…EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT • TRIGGERS: LOW GRADES, PERCEIVED REJECTION BY TEACHER OR PEERS, DENIAL OF CHILD’S DESIRES • Examples

  16. OTHER HELI BEHAVIORS INCLUDE: • Making decisions for the student Which clubs to join; what colleges to apply to; which activities to participate in. • Speak in “we” language “we” worked on the project • Obsess over teacher assignments • Request teacher changes before school year starts • Parent Self worth is based on child’s success and happiness (Mrs. B) • Fight child’s battle (playground incident)

  17. What is the Outcome for the child? • “ I DO NOT TRUST THAT YOU WILL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION” • “TO GET WHAT YOU WANT YOU MUST USE AGGRESSION AND INTIMIDATION” • “YOU CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT ME”

  18. Consequences for the child • No coping strategies/survival skills/problem solving techniques • No confidence in abilities/low self esteem • False sense of security • Poor relationships with others/isolation • Dependency/Fear of rejection

  19. Consequences Continued • Insecure about making decisions • Fearful of conflict/failure • Narcissism “ALL ABOUT ME SYNDROME” • Anxiety/depression as adults

  20. CONSEQUENCES FOR THE HELI’S • Increased anxiety and depression • Negative self image • Codependency • Loss of self • Adulthood for child begins at 30 not 18 (also coined the boomerang generation

  21. Consequences for Parents (continued) • Develop an unfavorable reputation within the school….even the community (example of Mrs. Rambo at doctors’ offices and school)

  22. WHY HELICOPTER? • LOVE • FEAR • Not just about something bad happening • Not being loved back • Fear of failure • Guilt • Work full time; Divorce • Exhaustion • Too tired • Culture • Peer pressure • Technology (Edline, Cell phones, Texting) • Re-parent • Issues with past • Anxiety/Depression/ Other Mental Health Issues

  23. How Can We Change

  24. Range of Parenting Behavior

  25. Move Toward Fisher Price Helicopter Parent

  26. Tips for Parents: Avoiding Overindulgence • Ask “Am I doing this for my child, or am I really doing it for me? • Ask “Am I doing something for my children that they really are old enough to be doing for themselves? • Let children make decisions that are age appropriate • Hold children accountable for their behaviors • Bredehoft, David J., Ph.D. (2007). “Effortless Childhood, Responding to Overindulged Children.” Lutheran Education Journal. Winter 26-29

  27. Tips for Parents: Avoiding Overindulgence (continued) • Empower them to try to problem solve • Avoid unrealistic expectations for perfection • Maintain the “sting” in discipline • Work with the school and administration • Calm down before writing email or conference • Listen to both sides of the story

  28. Allow them to experience Consequences

  29. More Tips • Take Care of Yourself • Increased happiness and contentment in your life allows you handle your children’s life disappointments in a healthier manner

  30. SEEK HELP

  31. HAPPY EMPTY NEST

  32. LIFE LONG CARE TAKING

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