Curtain – on phone

1. Hello… Sergeant Foley? … May I speak to Inspector Levine, please • Oh? Do you know where he is? At the Corban home? I’m calling from the Corban home. He’s not here. • Curtain – on phone • Well, maybe you can help me, Sergeant? Have you any information about Elizabeth Corban? • Sergeant, I know she’s missing. I reported her disappearance. I’m her husband. • Look, didn’t the Inspector leave a number where he can be reached? Oh? Good…

2. And give my regards to your boss – Mack Sennett. [make a drink, sound of a car] • Okay… what’s the number?... Thanks a lot, that’s my number! Never mind! [hang up] • Inspector Levine… • … they’re in such a hurry to start relaxing. • You need this. • … you two expecting someone? • … You tell me.. Have you brought me news?

3. I don’t need a sandwich. I need a wife. … Here, you must be hungry • I brought you a sandwich. • I am, Inspector, for news about my wife. For three days you’ve been sitting on your hands. • .. If you wanted personal attention, lose your wife in the city. • I’ll remember that next time, Inspector. But right now, would you mind telling me what you’ve done?

4. And that’s all? • Well, if she robs a bank, we’ll put her picture in every post office. • … Every trooper in the East is watching for a yellow Marlin Rambler – Michigan PPL 1412 • What a police force! You can’t find a beautiful girl in a yellow marlin who couldn’t get past Mr. Magoo! • … if it’s insults I’m looking for, I could call my wife. • Inspector, I’m upset. Forgive me.

5. Sorry, Inspector, please sit down. • … you hope he’ll ask you to sit down and rest for awhile. • … The bloodhounds gotta be organized. • She’s probably insured. • … The more hanky-panky I catch, the less insurance you pay. • Too bad they don’t sell “missing wife” insurance. Then maybe you’d look for Elizabeth instead of that bracelet.

6. Inspector, in case I haven’t mentioned it lately… • Here, eat. This comes from Sidney’s Sandwich Shoppe – the best. • Your wife? • yes • Sidney, you’re a genius. This sandwich belongs in Tiffany’s window. • Inspector…

7. What? • So she’s gone Corban. So what? My wife’s gone too. • … where would your wife go for labour day weekend? • inspector • … back to hot steaming rockaway for a labour day weekend • At least you know where she is. My wife has disappeared.

8. Just what I need – another keystone cop! • … in 96% of these cases, they come back. • … my men don’t go looking for unfaithful wives… not while they’re on duty. • My wife is not unfaithful • Oh? • We had a quarrel. It was late at night. We’d both had a few drinks. I don’t think either of us knew what we were saying.

9. I wasn’t saying anything. Scouts honor! I was just lying on the couch listening to Stravinsky… • What were you saying? • I happen to like stravinsky. In fact, I was playing the recording for the third time… • Suddenly, Liz leaped from the chair, called me a musical snob, ran over to the stereo and broke my stravinsky records. • So what did you do? • Well, you know how these things go.

10. No, I swear to you. • Corban, did you hit her? • What did you do? • Well, I broke her sinatra record. Then liz got terribly angry, stormed out of here, and drove down the hill in my rambler. • You shouldn’t have given her the keys • She has her own keys

11. I’m more worried about her driving wild. To Liz, 70 miles an hour is crawling… • … now you’re protected, in case she runs wild. • To my wild, willful, wonderful wife – wherever she may be… • And to yours in rockaway, wherever that may be. • Do you two fight a lot? • We’ve been married only two weeks. How many fights could we have?

12. I phoned a dozen times. I even sent a special delivery letter to her apartment… • … but it’s lasted ten years. Did you try calling Detroit? • I should say our apartment – that’s where we’re planning to live. • And? • The letter came right back. She had her mail forwarded here.

13. We don’t have many friends in common. She has some distant relatives on the west coast, but I don’t know them yet… • Relatives? Friends? • We only met a month ago – at the race track in harbor springs. • The track? • It was one of my lucky days. • You won?

14. Lost a bundle! But met her. I was standing at the rail and… • As the horses crossed the finish line, this girl next to me got so excited… • She threw her arms around me. I lost the race, but won Elizabeth. • And now you lost her again. Well… easy come, easy go. • That’s not funny!

15. You’re right. I’ll just continue the honeymoon as if nothing happened. • Don’t let it throw you corban. Don’t give her the satisfaction. • In any case, you’ll hear from me in a flash if she’s reported injured or deceased. • You don’t mean that, do you? • These things happen • dammit, elizabeth, where are you?

16. I’ll be alright levine, I have a little 20-year-old friend taking care of me • … will you be all right here? All by yourself? • What!... Come on, ride over to the hotel with me. You could use the fresh air • I want to stay by this phone. Inspector, you will step up your search? • Yeah yeah. Meanwhile, if you get the urge to call me again…. • Yes?

17. You scared the hell out of me! Sorry. Who are you? • [Priest enters] Hello God be with you • A humble servant of our lord, mr. corban. You are Daniel Corban, aren’t you? • Yes… • I’m … You knew my predecessor, Father Rinaldi? • I’m new around here. Frankly, it never occurred to me there was a grossinger diocese.

18. True. A harmless nip, Father? • This is sullivan county, you know. • Thank you… I have a medallion for your wife. • My wife gave you a donation? • Indeed… Here’s your medallion. • And here’s your drink. I’ll be happy to give this to my wife father…

19. Oh. How unfortunate. • If she returns. You see, the “good woman” has left my bed and board. • Well, anyway… to the charitable mrs. Corban. • God love her. • And may god keep her. I sure haven’t been able to. • You seem distressed my son. Perhaps if you unburden yourself.

20. sermons? Mr. Corban… do you still love your wife? • Please, father, no sermons. • Father, just a month ago, the only important things to me were… • My score on the golf course, my tailor, cocktail parties… • Liz changed all that. She was warm and loving. • Saintly qualities.

21. Inward beauty is the light of god. • Who’d think that in the mad, mad world of harbor springs, I’d find a girl so inward, so introspective. • St tomas a-kwine-us? • You may be right. Do go on. • Two weeks later we were back in detroit. Father, we were in such a rush… • We got married first thing in the morning, right in the office

22. Liz and I were so anxious to be alone together, liz must have averaged 90 miles and hour driving here. • My boss and his secretary were witnesses… • Uh-huh. Go on. • Well… here we were, father.. Nothing but mountain peaks for miles around. It was perfection • Why did she leave? • When I said that elizabeth was inward, father, I meant she was restrained in public…

23. You put it so picturesquely • But here, one minute gentle as a sylvan brook, the next, a thundering tidal wave. • I’m in advertising father. Anyway, three nights ago, we had a little squabble.. • This time, I couldn’t stop the tidal wave. She stormed out of here, drove off, and I haven’t heard from her since. • Mr. Corban… with nothing but words of love? • Of course.

24. Father… • [elizabeth enters, then father:] I’m so happy for you both. • No need to say anything. It was only my duty. • Father, that woman is not my wife. • What? • She’s not elizabeth. I have never seen her before in my life.

25. Father, I don’t know that woman! • Really, corban, you said no reproaches. Well, my task is accomplished. • She certainly talks and acts like your wife. • A man should know the woman he married, especially on his honeymoon. • But you’ve been under… perhaps the sudden shock of seeing her again. • I’ll say it’s a shock! Father, that isn’t the woman who gave you a donation last week, is it?

26. Are you sure? • Why, yes. • Catholic face in the catskills, you don’t forget it easily • Then this medallion should go to her, not my wife. • Mr. corban, is this some kind of joke? • It sure is father, and I intend to make the most of it…

27. [elizabeth and father, then elizabeth:] feels so good to be back, I love this place, and you too, darling. • Miss! Come out of my bedroom! Stick around father, we’re going to have some fun. • Come here, baby… you have no right to kiss me that way. • [surprised elizabeth, then incredulous father:] she’s a wonderful woman. • She’s an imposter! • Danny!

28. Danny, what are you saying? • Father, you brought her here. Now you take her back where you found her. • The act is over, baby. • [elizabeth trying to reason with danny, then] oh-oh danny, you know dr. ackerman said this was bad for your nerves. • Who the hell is he? • Elizabeth says “attack” the father: oh… I understand.

29. Danny please… I don’t understand. I could usually calm him down. • I don’t have nerves… I don’t have attacks! What the hell is she trying to do? • She’s lying. She never calmed me down. I mean… • What am I arguing about? I can put a zipper on this whole thing in minutes. I’m call the police. • Danny, don’t! • Getting scared?

30. I hardly expected you to second the motion… • Danny, please.. I’m asking you not to • Well? I’m going to make the call. What are you going to do? • Nothing • Nothing? • If you want to make us both look foolish, go ahead.

31. You’d better have some good answers ready. You won’t fool Levine for a minute. • I warn you… the local inspector knows all about my wife’s disappearance… • I hope we’re doing the right thing. • Hello, inspector levine, please. • Perhaps I’d… he’s not overjoyed at all. • Hello, levine? This is corban…

32. What? Yes, yes she’s good looking. What does that have to do with it? … • Levine, for once in your life, don’t talk, listen. A woman, a woman is trying to forcer her way into my home… • I wish I could send her to your house . Levine I’m serious. Please come over right away… • You’ll stay, won’t you? • Poor danny. • Poor you. Levine is going to be here in a second!

33. It’s about time! And time is running out. You’d better hurry. • I’m worried father. • I only hope he doesn’t take my husband away. • Take me away! • To a rest home. • Oooh! That’s it. Now the wrapping comes off the package. You found out elizabeth..

34. Everyone I’ve flipped. Put me away, and start spending my money. • Is missing. You come here posing as her, and now you want to convince… • What money? • You actually think you can get away with it? • Darling, are we that rich? ….Darling, I love you in spite of your money. • You keep away from me, lady. What do you know about my wife? Where is she?

35. Levine! Thank god. Well, congratulations lady, you’ve just won yourself a free weekend in the catskills…. • Father: that must be the inspector. • Courtesy of sullivan county. Inspector! Inspector! [comes back with levine]… • Levine, I’ve never seen anything as brazen in my life. It’s incredible. Look! • I’m elizabeth corban inspector. My absence has upset my husband terribly. • She’s lying inspector. She’s lying.

36. Arrest her levine! • You mean you’re not upset? • For what • For – for - impostery • Im what? • She’s posing as my wife. Arrest her!

37. Don’t call me darling. You’re a perfect stranger. • [levine – you’re fizzing, then elizabeth:] listen to your friend darling. • [levine and father, father:] the poor man no longer recognizes his wife. • Do you want to see my wife levine? Do you really want to see my wife? I’ll show you. • Has he got a wife in every room? • My pictures, my pictures, where the hell are those pictures…

38. You were in that room a while ago. • Levine, I found those snapshots I told you about, and now they’re gone… • I just hung up some things darling. • You took my photographs. The pictures of elizabeth and me at harbor springs… • She’s not only an imposter, she’s a thief. She stole my snapshots • Danny, you’re impossible.

39. [levine] your wife goes awol and when she come’s back, she’s not your wife. What’s that supposed to mean? • Do you deny it? • That woman is not elizabeth! • Don’t shoult, I got 20-20 hearing. • Inspector, that, is, not, my, wife. • Tough luck. Who is she?

40. [levine asks liz and father to step out. Father:]come, mrs. corban • I don’t know, but I know who she isn’t. • I was sitting here calmly • You calmly?... Identification please • What? • [all the cards in the wallet] do not stop at go, do not collect 200

41. What do you do for a living besides collect credit cards? • What? • I’m an account executive for parker, parker and lowe. Advertising. • Advertising what? • Marlins. I handle newspaper and magazine copy. • Is this a publicity gimmick?

42. I dunno… do they give you free samples? • As a matter of fact, a few of us upper-echelon men are privileged to drive our client’s product… is that an important question? • No inspector. “lose your wife in a marlin” does not enhance the company image. • Just curious… tall, slender beanpoles? I like ‘em short. • You may have something there, levine. Compact girls for a compact car. I’ll take it up with mr. parker. • Your boss?

43. Oh. • yes. Everett parker jr. He lent us this nest for our honeymoon. • Okay, inspector, I confess. I borrowed this chalet. Does that reduce my status in your eyes? • I should have such friends… to have a place in the catskills. • What’s your message? • I mean, commuting distance, it’s not.

44. What? • Well, to put it in your own inimitable style, “on the head, you have hit the nail.” • Remember those models you were drooling over? • The gorgeous beanpoles? • This is mr. parker’s “model house.” • So what does parker do about his wife?

45. Nobody… corban, you were on your honeymoon… • Oh, he brings her up here now and then. He has to. She paid for it. Look, who’s getting investigated here? • We arrived two weeks ago, and it was paradise. • Naturally, with a wife like that. • How many times must I – I must find a way to get through to you… • In advertising, we find visual aids are very effective. You can read, can’t you inspector?

46. How do I know? She’s some kind of screwball. • But why… I’m looking for a motive. • Well, the usual reason is money. Are you rich? • No, but I do all right. • Maybe you stand to inherit a bundle? • I’m an orphan, since I was five. No relatives.

47. Quite a bit. More than I can afford. • Insurance? • The beneficiary? • Liz, of course. The night we arrived here, I wrote to the company instructing them to make liz the beneficiary. • Aha! • What’s that supposed to mean?

48. You mean… if this woman becomes mrs. Corban.. I might become the late mr. corban? • Levin’s law!... Cherchez le hanky panky. • Accidentally. • that’s fantastic! How could she hope to get away with it? • She couldn’t your real wife wouldn’t stand for it. • That’s right. Find my real wife, levine. She’ll expose this fraud…

49. [levine and father:] worried about her husband’s excitable nature • Intensify the search. Use the wire services, the state troopers, the fbi. • Hah! • [father and levine:] father, in your opinion, is that woman elizabeth corban? • He never saw elizabeth! • Who has seen your wife since you’ve been in carlton?

50. Who. • Who? • We arrived late at night. Only one store was open, a delicatessen. • Sidney’s. What did you buy? • Two weeks of groceries and a bottle of aspirin. • Your wife went in with you.