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My Beautiful Question :. “Is there such thing as “true love”, our one and only soulmate or do we develop love throughout our relationships?”. But WHY do I care??. Well, here’s how it all started….
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My Beautiful Question: “Is there such thing as “true love”, our one and only soulmate or do we develop love throughout our relationships?”
Well, here’s how it all started… The question I began with: Are our desires fated within us or do we develop them through our experiences? Which really meant to me: Do we have soulmates or do we develop a love for someone based on characteristics or other traits?
It might not be as scary to all of us because why? • We grew up with a generation like this! • How many of you have divorced parents? • I do! • This fact alone has left me with so many questions. • What are we doing wrong here? • And how are we going to learn….
Now lets compare… True Love VS. Arranged Marriages
Arranged Marriage: 1. The actual definition of an arranged marriage is a marriage that is established before a lengthy relationship.(1) So in a sense, it is the opposite to a love marriage, where marriage would be considered the final step to solidating the relationship. (http://iml.jou.ufl.edu/projects/spring07/zuffoletti/traditional.html)
My initial opinion before starting research… Love marriages are built on emotions which come from the heart. They deal less with logic and this is why they are so intriguing. Love is about following your heart, not about what makes sense. I personally am in a “love” relationship and would like to see where these answers will take me in my own relationship. Arranged marriages are chosen by your family. They must be awkward and uncomfortable because you are marrying someone you barely know. I would think that you might feel some hateful feelings towards your partner because you feel suppressed. Arranged marriages take all the fun out of dating and those butterflies you get when you first meet someone you like.
“A guy out there was meant to be the love of your life, your bestfriend, your soulmate.” I think this is what I grew up believing, not because anyone told me this is how it was just because this is how it HAD to be. Why else would anyone get married?....
First, let’s look at Love Marriages, since this is what most Americans are accustom to…
Let me brief you a bit on this: This is from an interview I did with an anonymous participant. Their background: They have been married 27 years and appear to be in a happy, loving relationship (the reason I chose them). I also changed the names to ensure anonymity.
Me: When did you first know you were in love? Them: “Well, I dated quite a few women before Barbara but never felt like I did with her. I first knew when we went on this vacation together to the mountains in Jackson Hole,Wyoming, I was a pretty good skier. We had been dating almost a year but out there it felt different, without all the distractions of work and parents and life. That’s when I first knew. That’s where we got married too.” Me: How do you guys continue to make each other happy, even after so many years? Them: “Every couple has problems here and there, but we work at it everyday. Marriage is about compromise. Well, I shouldn’t say that, but it includes compromises. We learn different ways to make each other happy. The other day I joined her at a yoga class. We mix it up you know? Sex is important too. Just because were older than you doesn’t mean it stops! I hear this too much that marriage means you don’t have sex anymore. Sure, we’ve had our rough times, having kids really did us in for a while. Sex is important though, it really helps us feel good about ourselves and like were still attracted to one another. Me: So do you believe in true love? Them: “I think you know the answer to that. It wasn’t clear to me at first.”
Buddhism and Love: Four elements of True Love: Maitri: which means loving-kindness or benevolence. Not only the desire to bring love and happiness to someone, but the ability. Without understanding your spouse, love is impossible. Karuna: which translates to compassion. Again, not only the desire to ease someone’s pain, but the ability to do so. Must understand the nature of someone’s suffering. Mudita: which means joy. If there is not joy, it is not love. If you or your spouse is crying all of the time, it is not joy nor love. Upeksha: which means equanimity or freedom. You must love in such a way that your partner feels free, outside and inside.
There have been so many “classic” examples of true love: Romeo and Juliet, Jack and Rose (the titanic), Anthony and Cleopatra, Bonnie and Clyde, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, John Lennon and Yoko Ono….but have you ever seen a relationship like this in real life? I can’t think of one! To expect to fall in love like this is unrealistic and creates false hope for people. I think as a child this is what I expected love to be, unimaginably different than any other feeling I’ve had. True love brings about so many questions- what is true love?? Is this different than the unconditional love you feel for your family? When do you know when your in love? How many times will you be in True love?? This is something I found from a blog by Evan Bailyn: “The closest thing I can think of is something I term “pure love”: love that contains the boundless excitement that only a child can experience.”
The blog goes on to say: “Pure love happens to some people many times, to others only once, and to still others not at all. The ability to experience pure love depends upon the strength of your idealism. You are more likely to feel it if you are a fourteen year-old girl who believes in fairies, and less likely if you are a forty year-old investment banker who rejoices when the Federal Reserve lowers interest rates. However, no matter how old you are, you can experience pure love if you suspend your adult feelings for a while and allow yourself to be completely vulnerable.” Can pure love happen to people many times? Can you be a widow of the love of your life and then find someone that fills these same feelings? Do these strong feelings of pure love only happen as a naïve child? Do we begin to stop believing in true love as we grow older?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3wmx8EBVk Now, take a quick look at the most famous love story of our time: I think that if you have ever been in a “love” relationship, you felt something when watching this video, whether it be sadness, pain, happiness, longing, confusion, etc. It is a great example of what we are looking for here. She is stuck in this decision between doing what is meant to be, being with someone she is “fit” for in her families eyes or following what her heart is telling her. What would be more logical? Allie would be with her fiancé Lon if she wanted to be logical. He has money, he can support her, he is in a respectable community, and her family adores him. But what about Noah?? This is who she fell in love with some years ago. Did she feel this with Lon? I don’t think so. She is in love with one man and one man only. She doesn’t get to choose, it came from within her. But then again, this is just a movie. Can anyone relate…
Crush or Love? There is a big difference between a crush and love. Crushes fade after the so-called “honeymoon” stage. These stages last longer for some than others…and they can be very deceiving. So lets answer the question- Can a widower find true love again, or it is something else? My thoughts: I hope that I never have to find out what it feels like but if I were a widower, I don’t think that I would be able to find what I once had. We all know it can be very lonely to be alone so it would be logical to find someone to be with. I wouldn’t want my husband to date again! But that’s just me being selfish, I know it would probably be the right thing to do.
Some thoughts from a widower…. “Although I decided to wear my wedding ring for a year after his death (as a respectful gesture to Frank and to keep unwanted male attention at bay), six months in, I felt ready to date. I had started to miss companionship, the everyday pleasures of having a man in my life” -Anonymous This article really helped me see things from this point of view. It is completely unimaginable to be without the man/woman you love but this woman is right, I could imagine some of the feelings I would have afterwards. Many people like to comment on how quickly a widower starts dating again but unless we are in their shoes, we will never understand their needs. The only thing I could imagine is just shutting down completely and we can’t do that! As hard as it is, we must go on, whether that means dating again or finding another mean of passion and excitement.
But does that mean she found love again? “In a small but significant way, something shifted for me that night. It felt good--and restorative--just to have a crush again. It was a small step toward truly moving forward.I don't believe that the dying mean to teach us anything. But I do know that there was nothing Frank wanted more when he was sick than to live another day. And that's worth remembering: Take it one day at a time. I don't know if I'll ever marry again. And even if I do, although my Facebook status would change once more, I'll carry the experience of widowhood forever. But the burden does get lighter. And where once the possibility of ever having a relationship again was unthinkable, I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel tragic, or anomalous. I feel ready. Almost.”
Objectively that is! What is the average rate of divorce globally for arranged marriages?
A Whopping: 4% Surprised?? I was!
After some careful and objective reading… I found that the title ‘arranged marriage’ can bring a negative outlook to people’s minds when they hear it. When I thought of arranged marriage previous to this project my first thought was: middle-eastern, young-aged girls being forced to marry well-off men by their parents. Now, if I break down that description, I know that arranged marriage is not only within middle-eastern culture but occurs here in America too, it is not only younger females, they are not being “forced” because that is something different, and the men are not always “well-off”. As one book puts it, “…it’s a topic that’s been negatively represented (or, at best, ignored) by the media…”.
What led me to the book: First Comes Marriage by Reva Seth-An insightful article…. People go into arranged marriages knowing that they are in it for the long-haul, they have to get along and hopefully even love each other. They focus on the positive qualities and everything good about their spouse rather than dwelling on the little things which can draw couples apart. The article quotes the book, “It changes the whole relationship dynamic…When you’re appreciative toward your spouse, he reciprocates.” You learn to appreciate the little acts of love. It’s almost completely backwards, and it makes sense. Start small and grow big rather than starting big and shrinking. How could I apply this concept to my “romantic relationship”?
This is more like it! I’ve never really been a Simpson’s fan but my book explained to be that this is Apu and Manjula: “Apu is won over after meeting Manjula on their wedding day and the two are shown falling in love. Their marriage is portrayed as being both happy and loving…”
What does “love” mean in arranged marriages and what role does it play? Marriage means more to those that practice “arranged marriages”. They aren’t based on “love” but look deeper into the decision making process while taking into consideration age, education, professional prospects, and family. They look at marriage as the fusing of two families. Often times, the two families meet first to make sure that they are a good fit as well. Along with this, they also don’t see having children as an option. Children are expected to further these two families generations together. Love to them is more of an action than a feeling. An article written by someone who was good friends with a couple in an arranged marriage wrote this: “They adhered to this crazy notion that when two people come together in the name of something greater than themselves, and each is willing to sacrifice some of his or her selfish desires to make the other's life easier, that that is what real love looks like.”
Some collected quotes: “And they said something else that was surprising to me at the time: That when two people enact this version of love, day in and day out, the feelings come. They may not always have the same intensity of the feelings that modern Americans label "love" (which are undoubtedly too often confused with lust or infatuation), but they run deeper and last longer.” -Jennifer Fulwiler (National Catholic Register)
From a scientific approach: “Research suggests…that many people in arrange marriages fall in love over time. A study by Gupta and Singh, for example, shows that love in romantic marriages declines steadily over a ten-year period, but that love in arranged marriages increases over the same period, surpassing that of romantic marriages after about five years. So the experience of people in arranged marriages shows that love can be learned.” -Dr. Robert Epstein (editor-in-chief of Psychology Today)
A Fresh Look: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpJEP1-ig3s (Start video at about 1:33 minutes if it doesn’t pop up!)
Piecing this all together and answering the questions: How can this impact my relationship and future? What did I learn? Did I find an answer to my beautiful question?
My new take on L-O-V-E Love is not what we see in fairy tales or movies or even from other people’s relationships. There is always a “behind the scenes” and if there is one thing I’ve learned along the way…no one is perfect. Love isn’t going to fall in your lap. Yes, you might experience those butterflies for the first time and feel those true love feelings but the reality is, life happens. School, work, family, travel, kids, etc are all things that can lead us astray from those feelings. Love takes work. You can’t just sit back expecting all those butterflies to fly around in your tummy again. If there’s one thing an arranged marriage perspective has taught me, it’s that love should increase over time, not decrease. Appreciate the small things and don’t dwell on what’s bad. Your spouse is your partner in crime! Work together.
How did this all impact my relationship and future? I think I can use everything I learned towards my own relationship. I mean I feel like we have a great relationship already but it does take work and like I mentioned before, nobody is perfect, we all have our ups and downs. Buddhism really showed me that love takes some soul searching and selflessness. Understanding is a big part of this. After being in this relationship for two years, I feel that I know my partner quite well, but we all change and develop new feelings and it is important to understand each other and find ones suffering to truly bring happiness or compassion to each other’s life. Upeksha is also something that I can learn from. I feel that couples struggle in this area. We see it everyday. It is important that your partner feels free outside and inside. I think I will apply the perspective of arranged marriage to my relationship as well. Focus on the good things about your partner and look at it as though you have to love your spouse. Appreciate the little things.
My B-e-a-utiful Question! “Is there such thing as “true love”, our one and only soulmate or do we develop love throughout our relationships?”
Yes of course there is true love! And the only way I can explain it is that you’ll know it if you’re in it. In my opinion, true love happens only once. There are things that pose as love like lust or infatuation but there is only one real, true, pure L-O-V-E. I’ve said those 3 little words a couple of times, but not until I was actually in love did I know what it meant. After my interview, it really gave me hope that its out there, and boy does it last. BUT, this does not go to say that we don’t develop love through our relationships as well. But wait…I’m saying it’s both? Yup! Of course I am. This is often how I approached most of the discussion posts as well. Life isn’t about ‘either or’. Life is full of gray area! This is the fun of philosophy. Love should develop and become a learned experience during our relationships as well. We can learn from all types of love and I think this is what arranged marriages taught us. I’ve gained a new appreciation for arranged marriages. Love should increase! Love shouldn’t be dull. Buddhism taught us this as well, love is about understanding, and understanding is learning. Love is real, love is out there, and love means something different to all of us.
