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Family Systems. Before You Begin: Practical Tips for Organization and Healing. It is the Process – Not the Outcome that Counts. The expected outcome is not “Great Art”.
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Family Systems Before You Begin: Practical Tips for Organization and Healing
It is the Process – Not the Outcome that Counts • The expected outcome is not “Great Art”. • There is no, “I can’t….” business. We can all create something that is significantly connected to our thoughts as we create it. By creating: • We allow parts of our brain access to our hearts and this brings greater pathways to receive God. • We join in the companionship of the process. This helps us connect with one another and allows us to develop real friendships and trust with one another. • We have a focus as we share our creations and the thoughts we had as we made it. This will cause us to have a deeper self-awareness and understanding.
Be A Person of Trust • The most important part of all of this is YOU. Are you trustworthy? Can you be trusted to not glibly share someone else’s story and secrets in casual conversation? Has God done the work in you yet that you are a safe place? Each of our stories are sacred, and holy. Our pains and shame often go deep. It is a tremendous betrayal for us to tell someone else’s story to friend or family member. • We owe it to one another to respect the sanctity of each other’s story.
Size and Demographic • Decide type of group. One would be for processing the past, and the other, healing from childhood sexual abuse as a specific focus. • The two can mix, but be clear of the focus if you are forming a closed group for sexual abuse survivors specifically. • If larger than 6, form smaller groups so all can be heard. Place people who are comfortable praying out loud strategically in the groups. Prayer at the end of sharing is key to healing. • Once the group starts meeting together, consider having the group closed until an agreed upon ending date. • Watch yourself for codependency. Call each other out on codependent behaviors. Our love for one another wants to fix. Fixing feels like we are helping. Codependency is the result of unhealthy family systems. We are not the healer or fixer. We encourage others in the group, but we don’t “fix” others in the group. Telling others what they “have to’ or “need to do” is not recommend. We encourage by sharing our testimony and pointing to Jesus, telling His way that he helped us in a similar situation. We respect others’ points of view, especially those who are not followers of Christ.
Be Productive Start on time. End on time.
Share the Floor Be sensitive to the amount of time each person talks. Some of us are extroverts and may inadvertently monopolize the conversations of the group. If you are a “talker” you are a great gift. You often are the one who is willing to be vulnerable first, willing to share, and this makes others fill safe. Sometimes the introverts don’t get their turn. If an introvert in the group is finally speaking up, allow the time for it. It is a gift that they might trust the group enough to share.
Each person may “pass” if they do not want to talk, no questions asked.
Be Sensitive Graphic or detailed depictions of actual sexual acts involving the abuse is not allowed. Abuse victims are often triggered by pornography, pornographic stories, and sexual details. Out of respect for one another, avoid explaining the nitty gritty details of each event of abuse.
Introduction We hold as Most True what God says about us. He says we are his creation, created to love and be loved. He says we have value simply because we are his creation.
Why look back? Families are where our belief systems and identities were formed. Our thought life, perceived value, and roles were established in our childhood homes. The goal of looking back at our childhood is to discover what beliefs we learned that are not in alignment with what God says about us.
KEY POINT TO PONDER…The “don’t talk rule.” The don’t talk rule is when another person shifts the focus of a conversation away from a legitimate issue or problem. Sometimes the person shifts the blame. i.e. another person does it too, or suggests you are the cause. You shouldn’t have ________. These rules, can be both spoken and/or inferred. You don’t share about the family. You don’t call the police about abuse. You don’t tell. OR It is inferred the child is to protect the adult.
Objective: The group will connect and share as they discover where the “don’t talk rule” was in play within their childhood homes.
Materials Computer or TV with viewing capabilities Paper, Rulers, Drawing materials, (pens, colored pencils, markers, crayons)
Essential Questions: • What beliefs did I form in my family system? • How was my value or role defined by my family? I was the ______ one. • Answer this question: “I was loved best by my family when I…” • Did my family beliefs align with what God says? • Where was God?
Key Points: • There are no perfect families, • If we were loved perfectly we would have no need for God. • Was the “Don’t talk Rule” in play in your home?
Activate Pray silently and be still before God. When you feel you have insight, begin drawing the floor plan of your family home. Where is God? Where are significant family members? What was communication like? What was your role?
