Caught In The Crossfire Growing Up In A Home With Addiction

1. Caught In The CrossfireGrowing Up In A Home With Addiction Kim Smithson Eagle Ridge Family Treatment Center Adapted from the work of: Claudia Black Sharon Wegschieder-Cruse Handouts: Mary Toney Miller

2. “system” An assemblage or combination of things or parts forming a complex or unitary whole. A whole made up of interactive parts. A system is more than the sum of it’s parts. THE FAMILY AS A SYSTEM

3. Family “systems” work to survive and maintain balance just like any other interactive “system” Maintaining Balance

4. What are some things that may occur in life that could knock a family system off balance?? LIFE STRESSORS

5. The tendency of a system to maintain or return to a state of equilibriumBy whatever means necessary HOMEOSTASIS

6. Empathize with each other • Talk and listen to each other • Have a balance of interaction • Share responsibilities among themselves • Have a strong spiritual core • Respect the privacy of all members • Have a sense of play and humor • Strong feelings for one another • Encourage family traditions/rituals • Share leisure time • Place a value on service to others • Teach the value of worth in diversity • Teach a sense of right and wrong • Affirm and support each other • Develop a sense of trust • Encourage the sharing of feelings without fear HEALTHY FAMILY CHARACTERISTICS

8. Addiction is a chronic , progressive and often times fatal disease. As the disease progresses the family grows more and more out of touch with themselves and reality Maintaining balance while living with addiction

11. Have secrets, are very closed • Frozen feelings • No boundaries • Indirect communication • Projection/blame/displacement • Denial and delusion • Rigid rules / No rules /Chaos • Approval or love must be earned • Punishment / Shame • Judgments (good or bad) • Control • No free fun Unhealthy Family Characteristics

12. SO HOW DOES ONE SURVIVE?

13. Focus in the 70’s begin to determine that Addiction is a “shared” Family Disease The family members make adjustments necessary in order to cope with the addiction in the family and remain some sense of balance and in order to survive as a whole, despite the damage done to family members. “Roles” and “Rules” are created to allow family members to experience the least amount of personal pain and stress.

14. RULESThese rules are often unspoken, unwritten and have been learned by experiences very early in life and become deeply embedded Don’t TALK Don’t TRUST Don’t FEEL

18. DON’T TALK If I don’t talk about it then it won’t hurt and will go away Parents give negative strokes for bringing it up Trying to get needs met creates fear of abandonment or other abuse by displeasing a parent There is so much shame about what is going on The child is told directly not to talk about it Other family members role-model not talking by ignoring the “reality” No one knows how to talk about it

19. DON’T TRUST Broken promises Unpredictability Emotional Unavailability of the parents who are preoccupied with the problem or each other Parents discount child’s reality Words don’t match actions Vulnerability gets used against you Trusting others gets you hurt

20. DON’T FEEL Expressions of fear, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness are not allowed because they trigger the same in the parent Learning to emotionally “Numb Out” creates physical, emotional and psychological safety Expressing feelings can bring about punishment and abuse

21. Take My Hand… The First Step on Your Journey Through Co-dependency Recovery Mary Toney Miller

22. AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION NEEDED INTERACTIVE EXERCISE TO VISUALIZE THE FAMILY ROLE DYNAMIC

24. Members become “locked” into rigid survival roles • Roles can shift or overlap • Roles are carried on into our adult lives • What once worked well for survival turns on us and often becomes fatal and self destructive POINTS TO CONSIDER…..

25. We can encourage new attitudes and behaviors that can help break the cycle of self-defeating behaviors and fixed responses. HOW???? BREAKING THE CYCLENew Attitudes and Behaviors

26. Needs to learn: • To relax • To have fun • To be spontaneous • How to follow • How to ask for help • How to compromise • To accept mistakes and failures HERO / CARETAKER/OVER ACHIEVER

27. Needs to learn: • To express anger constructively • To express hurt feelings • To be involved in activities that bring them positive attention • To forgive him/herself • To learn to negotiate SCAPEGOAT/PROBLEM CHILD/REBEL

28. Needs to learn: • To recognize his/her importance • To recognize his/her feelings and deal with loneliness • To recognize his/her needs and wants • To initiate activities • To make choices for oneself LOST CHILD/FORGOTTEN/WITHDRAWN

29. Needs to learn: • How to recognize and accept his/her anger and fear • To accept support from others • To accept responsibility • To take oneself seriously • To accept his/her importance MASCOT/CLOWN/COMIC RELIEF

30. Rarely do all members of the same family, grow up under the same roof - Richard Bach

31. Without proper intervention. The cycle perpetuates itself. The family disease of addiction creates generational dysfunctional. THE SAGA CONTINUES