THE FAMILY ATMOSPHERE

1. THE FAMILY ATMOSPHERE CHAPTER 6

2. THE FAMILY ATMOSPHERE • CHAPTER HIGHLIGHTS: • The Role of Parents • Love • Pampering and Spoiling • Family Atmosphere and the Child’s Attitude Toward School

3. THE FAMILY ATMOSPHERE • INTRODUCTION: • Adler used the concept of family atmosphere extensively in his therapeutic work. • Dreikurs also focused on the family atmosphere, believing that children who experience problems at school and in life probably live in family that is generally opposed to the demands of society.

4. THE FAMILY ATMOSPHERE • INTRODUCTION: • The child learns how to deal with conflicts in life based on how he/she responded to them in the family atmosphere. In other words, the child’s competencies or discrepancies were basically learned via his/her involvement in the family system.

5. THE ROLE OF PARENTS • The family atmosphere is mainly created by the relationship between the parents – it is usually established before the birth of the first child. • The atmosphere the parents create usually becomes the testing ground for the child’s interactions and transactions. • Parents attitudes, personality traits, and the quality of the marital relationship largely affect the family atmosphere.

6. THE ROLE OF PARENTS • Parents provide the establishment of a value system that influences each member of the household. • If parents compete with each other the child himself is bound to become competitive in every situation. When this happens, the child likely fears he will lose his position and be taken over by others. • Today’s parents need guidance in understanding why they have difficulties with their children. They often need direction on how to effectively influence their children.

7. THE ROLE OF PARENTS • Children also influence their parents, often inducing the parents to react in ways that might help the child realize his goal – often this behavior is based on erroneous conclusions by the child.

8. LOVE • Many parents believe it is important to make their children feel loved, but they may often give-in to their children’s demands out of expressing their love. • If we love the child, we may have to let the child cry if he demands unjustified or unnecessary things. Emotional sacrifices are sometimes needed for the good of the other person.

9. LOVE • Children sense the parent’s dependency on their love, and may exploit the parents based on their knowledge of this. They may ask,”Don’t you love me,” when they want something or may say, “I don’t love you,” when they don’t get their way.

10. LOVE • Parents who cater to this type of behavior and expend much energy in convincing their children of their love, are often contributing to their child’s use of emotional blackmail in order to get what he or she wants.

11. LOVE • In homes where mutual respect and consideration is given, children are less likely to resort to emotional blackmail because they probably feel more secure in their parent’s love.

12. PAMPERING AND SPOILING • Pampered and spoiled children are the least prepared to meet life’s demands.

13. PAMPERING AND SPOILING • There are 4 types of pampering and spoiling: • 1) Overindulgence • 2) Overpermissiveness • 3) Overdomination • 4) Overprotection

14. 1) OVERINDULGENCE • This is when the child gets everything he or she wants. Basically, all the child has to do is throw a tantrum until he gets want he wants. This child demands to be the center of attention.

15. 1) OVERINDULGENCE • There are many pitfalls to giving children everything they want. • Children may base their self-worth on the number of things they get. • They may associate getting with being loved and being important. • They may feel threatened in their relationships when they aren’t given what they want.

16. 1) OVERINDULGENCE • Even more devastating is the “gimmee” attitude children develop - expecting to be given all the time without having to give anything in return. • Overindulged children often display symptoms of anger, discontent, disorderliness, unwillingness to go to school, and in some cases enuresis.

17. 2) OVERPERMISSIVENESS • The child growing up in an overly permissive home is given the right to do whatever he/she pleases with complete disregard of how it affects others. • Often, parents using this technique believe that allowing children to express themselves prevents them from experiencing frustration in life.

18. 2) OVERPERMISSIVENESS • Children from these environments often put their parents, teachers, and older siblings into their services. They may leave things all over the house, expecting someone to pick them up. The adults usually comply.

19. 2) OVERPERMISSIVENESS • Children growing up in these types of environments have learned how to get out of unpleasant situations and how to protect themselves by setting up excuses in advance: “my teacher doesn’t like me; That’s the reason I got a bad grade.” “I was absent on the day the teacher explained this lesson.”

20. 2) OVERPERMISSIVENESS • What happens to these children is that they claim that things are never their faults – someone else is always to blame. Often these are tyrannical children; they tyrannize through charm or intimidation. They are interested in “right now” and are not usually concerned with consequences.

21. 3) OVERDOMINATION • These parents do not give their children the opportunity to make mistakes to learn from because the parents make all the decisions for the children. • Parents often operate on the belief that making decisions for children “is for their own good.” They may tell their kids what to do with their allowances, which friends to play with and avoid, and basically dictate the every moves of their children.

22. 3) OVERDOMINATION • What often happens with such children is that they fail to develop the confidence needed in making their own decisions and often have difficulty making up their minds when they have to rely upon their own judgment. • Children from overdomineering homes may become rebels and defy their parents.

23. 4) OVERPROTECTION • The overprotected child is similar to the overdominated child, however, there is more fear instilled in the overprotected child. • Overdominating parents instill fear in child’s own decision making, whereas the overprotective parent instills in the child a fear of life.

24. 4) OVERPROTECTION • The overprotective parent overestimates the possible dangers and therefore, constantly points them out to the child. “Don’t run or you may fall; chew your food or you may choke; don’t play with the big kids because they may hurt you.”

25. 4) OVERPROTECTION • These parents often do not allow their children to participate in school excursions for fear of an accident. They may keep the child home at the slightest sniffle or when the weather is mildly bad.

26. 4) OVERPROTECTION • Overprotected children often do not have normal social contact with other children. They are usually lonely and become overly dependent on the company of their parents.

27. OTHER TYPES OF NEGATIVE INFLUENCES • 1) Authoritarian atmosphere • 2) Perfectionism and High standards • 3) Pity • 4) Punitive atmosphere • 5) Inconsistency • 6) Suppression of feelings

28. OTHER TYPES OF NEGATIVE INFLUENCES • 1) Authoritarian atmosphere • “Do as I say or else.” • This instills fear and not cooperation in the child • The autocratic parent refuses to relinquish power and this is what contributes to instilling fear • These children rarely develop a sense of self reliance

29. OTHER TYPES OF NEGATIVE INFLUENCES • 2) Perfectionism and high standards • These are parents whose standards are so high that they withhold acceptance of anything that is not at the highest level. • These children often feel discouraged when failing to live up to parents standards, regardless of their accomplishments. • They may feel a constant need for total success

30. OTHER TYPES OF NEGATIVE INFLUENCES • 3) Pity • Pity is the most discouraging because it conveys to children that they are hopeless. • Children may feel sorry for themselves, perceive life as unfair, and expect privileges. • This often contributes to children developing a “victim” approach to life.

31. OTHER TYPES OF NEGATIVE INFLUENCES • 4) Punitive atmosphere • Children living in a punishing home tend to develop a revengeful attitude towards their parents and others. • These children may also develop a punitive attitude toward those who are smaller or younger.

32. OTHER TYPES OF NEGATIVE INFLUENCES • 5) Inconsistency • Parents who vacillate from one decision to another usually discipline children in erratic ways. • Very often the child will not know what is expected of him or what to expect from others, becoming unstable and lacking in self control or motivation.

33. OTHER TYPES OF NEGATIVE INFLUENCES • 6) Suppression of Feelings • Parents who do not express their feelings or do not allow their children to honestly express feelings may force the child to lie or put up a façade in order to avoid frequent reprimands. • This child often puts distance between himself and others, avoids close relationships, has difficulty with intimate relationships, and often escapes into daydreaming.

34. FAMILY ATMOSPHERE AND THE CHILD’S ATTITUDE TOWARD SCHOOL • The school is the 2nd group in which the child is expected to function. It is considered to be an extension of the home environment in terms of social living – it stands between home and society.

35. FAMILY ATMOSPHERE AND THE CHILD’S ATTITUDE TOWARD SCHOOL • Some teachers make the same mistakes that many of the parents make with children, and therefore reinforce the child’s erroneous conceptions about how to behave in order to secure a place in the group.

36. FAMILY ATMOSPHERE AND THE CHILD’S ATTITUDE TOWARD SCHOOL • There is a direct correlation between the family atmosphere and how children are treated at home and the problems they encounter at school. • Children who have grown up in homes that instill social interest and self-reliance have few problems during school age years.