Unselfish Self-Care as an Engagement Strategy and an Accountability Process at Emerge

1. Unselfish Self-Care as an Engagement Strategy and an Accountability Process at Emerge Ted German, Ph.D. Emerge Director of Training

2. Definition of Unselfish Self-Care Abusers take specific steps to improve their life: • so that they can be more respectful partners. • so that they can be responsible ex-partners. • so that they can improve their parenting skills. • so that they can have a more meaningful, productive and happy lives in terms of their relationships and self-development.

3. Examples of Selfish Self-Care • “I need to go to the gym every night regardless of whether or not this is unfair to my partner.” • “I am not willing to negotiate about when and how often I go to AA meetings.” • “When we have conflict I need to ‘take space’ by leaving the situation despite the fact that I am being controlling and abusive.”

4. Effects of Selfish Self-Care • Abusers may deliberately exaggerate their poor mental or physical condition as a manipulation tactic to convince the victim/survivor to take them back. • Abusers may make emotional or physical demands on partners that have a negative impacts on their lives.

5. Talking About Unselfish Self-Care at Emerge • We routinely ask clients questions about health status: last doctor visit, dental visit, and we solicit group feedback. • We ask clients about their employment status and solicit group support and advice about concrete steps the client can take to improve their situation i.e. job training, choosing a trade, getting more education. • Group leaders notice clients who appear to be particularly stressed, depressed, anxious, and/or troubled, and invite group members to offer concrete support to those clients. • We include unselfish self-care as part of our formal long-term goal setting process that occurs roughly half way through the program.

6. Unselfish Self-Care and Engagement • We’re not just talking about abuse. • We’re showing that we care about the client as a whole person. • Group members giving each other support and advice on self-care creates positive bonds. • Feedback relating to accountability for abuse becomes easier to take.

7. How Is Unselfish Self-Care Part of an Accountability Process to Families • When the abuser takes realistic steps to take care of himself, he is less likely to pressure his partner to take care of him. • When an abuser takes immediate realistic steps to improve his life, he is in a better position to respond to the needs of his partner, ex-partner and children.

8. Self-Care Improves Accountability • Abusers who have substance abuse or mental health problems need treatment for these issues in order to constructively participate in the abuser program. • Change is difficult. When abusers take better care of themselves, they are more likely to have a positive, constructive attitude towards dealing with the consequences of their abusive behavior.