Cross Country Education Presented by Izzy Kalman

1. Bullies and Victims from a Counseling Perspective Cross Country EducationPresented by IzzyKalman Brought to you by… Ron Moss, Jolene Holladay & Sherri Heiting

2. Bullies and Victims from a Counseling Perspective Cross Country EducationPresented by IzzyKalman Brought to you by… Ron Moss, Jolene Holladay & Sherri Heiting

3. Part One – Among researchers, bullying is commonly understood as aggressive behavior that: • is intended to cause distress or harm • exists in a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power or strength, and • is repeated over time. Part Two – Bullying may involve physical action, words, gestures, or social isolation. Although bullying may involve direct, relatively open attacks against a victim, bullying frequently is indirect, or subtle, in nature (spreading rumors, enlisting a friend to assault a child). Bullying? Definition of bullying from… State Laws and Policies to Address Bullying in Schools School Psychology Review, 2003

4. What’s Wrong with the Psychology Underlying the Anti-Bully Movement • The two parts of the definition easily lead to abuse of the label, and cause many kids to be unfairly treated as pathological. • The term “bully” is biased. • The experts ignore their own definition of bullying. • The anti-bullying psychology is attacking the wrong problem. • The bullying experts attribute victim traits and behavior to bullies. • The anti-bully psychology is trying to solve the problem in the least effective way.

5. What’s Wrong continued… • The leaders of the anti-bullying psychology don’t know how to solve the problem of bullying psychologically. • “Telling” makes children hate each other. • Researchers ignore the results of their own research, and recommend actions that are not supported by their findings. • Researchers never study the negative effects of anti-bully programs. • Anti-bully psychology ignores basic psychology and science. • Anti-bully psychology ignores basic principles of counseling/therapy. • Anti-bully experts promote hysteria rather than sanity in society. • The anti-bully movement is unconstitutional.

6. Izzy’s Anti-Bully Law Song • For your enjoyment…

7. IzzyKalman’s BreakdownBully vs. Victim • What Bullies Want: • Power • Respect • Popularity • The fun of driving others crazy • What Victims Want: • Power • Respect • Popularity • To stop being driven crazy • Revenge We are all basically the same human beings, and have the same basic drives. We all want power and status, but some people are better at getting them than others, so we insult them by calling them bullies.

8. Nature versus Civilization Life in Nature • Life is dangerous and uncertain • We hunt and gather food • We do our own protection and fighting • Individuals are expected to use physical force • Social status is determined by physical might • The biggest bully gets to be the leader (alpha) Life in Civilization • Greater safety and predictability • We shop for our food • Live by man-made laws • External justice and enforcement system • Police and soldiers protect and fight for us • Social status is determined largely by monetary wealth

9. IMPORTANT: Anger, Hatred and Revenge are VICTIM behaviors, not Bully behaviors. • We only get angry when people do things against us. An angry person is a victim. • We hate people or groups when we feel victimized by them. • We want revenge against people who victimized us. • Any research that calls anger, hatred or revenge “bullying” is invalid.

10. Mistaken Attitudes About Children’s Aggression Aggression is a learned behavior • Aggression is a genetically programmed behavior. Adults need to teach children how to get along with each other • Mother Nature guides us towards good relations by making us feel pleasure when we get along and misery when we don’t. Adults need to judge the disputes between children • Adults must not settle disputes between children because it prevents them from solving their problems their own way.

11. Understanding Power Two Basic Ways of Having Power over People The Stick • Getting people to support us by hurting them and keeping them afraid of us. (Nature) The Carrot • Getting people to support us by giving them what they want and making them feel good.

12. Elements to Victim-Proofing a School • Establishing a sensible, moral school policy towards aggression. • Teaching students how to not be victims. • Teaching teachers about victimization: what causes kids to become chronic victims, and how to avoid being victimized by students. • Teaching teachers to respond effectively to bullying between kids. • Ensuring that the school has a staff member who knows how to help victims. • Instructing parents (a) what causes kids to be bullied and (b) how to reduce fighting among their own kids at home.

13. Ten Moral Principles for Dealing with Bullying • Practice What You Preach • The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions • Justice Makes Right • The Golden Rule • Love Your Enemy • Turn the Other Cheek • Do Not Judge • Eye for an Eye, Tooth for a Tooth • Freedom of Speech • Education, The Highest Form of Charity

14. How to Turn Your Bullies into Buddies Rule #1 Refuse to give others the power to get you mad. Rule #2 Treat everything people tell you as the words of your best friend. Rule #3 Do not be afraid. Rule # 4 Do not defend yourself. Rule #5 Do not attack. Rule #6 If someone hurts you, just show that you are hurt; do not get angry. Rule #7 Do not tell on bullies. Rule #8 Don’t be a sore loser.

15. How to Help Bullies • Get them to see that they are the big losers by getting in trouble. Perhaps they feel like winners when they beat up their victims, but are the victims sad that the bully is in trouble? Of course not! • Help them understand that we do not live in the jungle. The way to have power in civilization is by getting people to be your friends, by earning money, and by staying out of trouble with the law. • Teach them to win by not letting their “victims” upset them. • Ask them if they want a life of friends or enemies. They will probably say they want friends. Teach them the Bullies to Buddies rules and how to use them so that everyone will be on their side and they will always win. • Often talking to them respectfully and explaining the following is enough to do the trick: “Kids are getting upset, and their parents are complaining to us about you. We really don’t want to see you getting in trouble. Do you think you can help us by being nice to [the victims]?”

16. Instant Classroom Discipline • Teach as though there are no problems going on around you. • Refuse to get angry with kids for their behavior. • If a student complains of being called bad names by another student, ask “Do you believe it?” • If a student complains of being hit by another student, ask in a concerned voice, “Are you hurt?” • Have students work out interpersonal problems after class. • Keep the students busy and keep a record of misbehaving students on your desk.

17. When Things Work Out…. • CBS News

18. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves. Abraham Lincoln