COMMUNICATION & CONFLICT RESOLUTION

COMMUNICATION & CONFLICT RESOLUTION There are three truths: my truth, your truth and the truth. — Chinese Proverb Violence begets violence; hate begets hate — Martin Luther King

desk

Types of Communication • Verbal = 10-15% • Examples • Non-verbal cues= 50-55% • Examples • Tone of voice= 30-35% • Examples

Types of Communication 2 • Passive • Assertive • Aggressive • Passive-Aggressive

Passive Passive communicators will often: - fail to assert for themselves - allow others to deliberately or inadvertently infringe on their rights - fail to express their feelings, needs, or opinions - tend to speak softly or apologetically - exhibit poor eye contact and slumped body posture The impact of a pattern of passive communication is that these individuals: - often feel anxious because life seems out of their control - often feel depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless - often feel resentful (but are unaware of it) because their needs are not being met - often feel confused because they ignore their own feelings - are unable to mature because real issues are never addressed A passive communicator will say, believe, or behave like: - “I’m unable to stand up for my rights.” - “I don’t know what my rights are.” - “I get stepped on by everyone." - “I’m weak and unable to take care of myself.” - “People never consider my feelings.”

Aggressive Aggressive communicators will often: - try to dominate others - use humiliation to control others - criticize, blame, or attack others - be very impulsive - have low frustration tolerance - speak in a loud, demanding, and overbearing voice - act threateningly and rudely - not listen well - interrupt frequently - use “you” statements - have piercing eye contact and an overbearing posture • The impact of a pattern of aggressive communication is that these individuals: • - become alienated from others - alienate others - generate fear and hatred in others - always blame others instead of owning their issues, and thus are unable to mature • The aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like: • - “I’m superior and right and you’re inferior and wrong.” - “I’m loud, bossy and pushy.” - “I can dominate and intimidate you.” - “I can violate your rights.” - “I’ll get my way no matter what.” - “You’re not worth anything.” - “It’s all your fault.” - “I react instantly.” - “I’m entitled.” - “You owe me.” - “I own you.”

Passive - Aggressive Passive-Aggressive communicators will often: - mutter to themselves rather than confront the person or issue - have difficulty acknowledging their anger - use facial expressions that don't match how they feel - i.e., smiling when angry - use sarcasm - deny there is a problem - appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy and disrupt - use subtle sabotage to get even The impact of a pattern of passive-aggressive communication is that these individuals: - become alienated from those around them - remain stuck in a position of powerlessness (like POWs)- discharge resentment while real issues are never addressed so they can't mature The passive-aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like: - “I’m weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate, and disrupt.” - “I’m powerless to deal with you head on so I must use guerilla warfare.” - “I will appear cooperative but I’m not.”

Assertive Assertive communicators will: - state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully - express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully - use “I” statements - communicate respect for others - listen well without interrupting - feel in control of self - have good eye contact - speak in a calm and clear tone of voice - have a relaxed body posture - feel connected to others - feel competent and in control - not allow others to abuse or manipulate them - stand up for their rights

Assertive cont. The assertive communicator will say, believe, or behave in a way that says: -“We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.” - “I am confident about who I am.” - “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.” - “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.” - “I can’t control others but I can control myself.” - “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.” - “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.” - “I respect the rights of others.” - “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.” - “I’m 100% responsible for my own happiness.” • The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals: • - feel connected to others - feel in control of their lives - are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise - create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature

Open The Front Door A Better Way To Use “I” Statements • O = Observations • Sharing what you noticed • T= Thoughts • Stating your thoughts • F = Feelings • Talking about how it affects you emotionally • D = Desires • Mention how you would like a behavior or action to change

“I” Message Starters How To Use I-Statements: Similar to OTFD Start by identifying your feelings- mad, sad, frustrated, etc. I feel … State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings. When … Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you. Because… Let the person know what you want instead. I would like…

Scenarios Create a win-win, a compromise, and an OTFD “I” statement for each While getting ready for school, you notice your favorite sweater is missing. You figure your younger sister has borrowed it, so you ask her where it is. She reluctantly pulls it out from under her bed only to reveal a big stain on the front of it. When you come home from school your mom is very upset because she thinks you broke her favorite vase without telling her about it. She automatically grounds you, but you know it was actually your brother who did it. You and your best friend have plans for the weekend, and you have been looking forward to hanging out all week. On Friday afternoon, your friend tells you you’ll have to do it another time because he is doing something with someone else A classmate has asked you for the twentieth time to borrow a pen. Every time you lend her one, you don’t get it back, so this time you say no. She gets angry and starts to yell at you.

Refusal Skills If someone is pressuring you to do anything that's not right or good for you, you have the right to resist. You have the right to say no, the right not to give a reason why, and the right to just walk away from a situation. Resisting pressure can be hard for some people. Why? They… are afraid of being rejected by others want to be liked and don’t want to lose a friend don’t want to be made fun of don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings aren’t sure of what they really want don’t know how to get out of the situation

Quick Tips: You can resist alcohol or anything else you may feel pressured into. These tips will make resisting a little easier: • Stand up straight • Make eye contact • Say how you feel • Don’t make excuses • Stick up for yourself

What is Conflict? A disagreement between people with opposing viewpoints, ideas, or goals. What is a viewpoint (perspective)? How do perspectives develop? Why should we appreciate the perspective of others? What does this have to do with conflict resolution?

Why/how do Conflicts Occur? • Over resources • What resources do you share with people in your life? • Shelter (clothing) • Water (shower) • Food (what’s in the pantry or refrigerator) • Over values • What values might cause conflict? • Money • Appearance • Over emotional needs • What actions can cause emotional conflict? • Exclusion • Rumors

How Conflict Escalates Becomes more serious • Anger • Bullying, teasing, name calling • Group Pressure • Alcohol and Other Drugs • Alcohol affects your inhibitions? What are these? • With a partner explain how each of the above escalate tension

How Can You Resolve Conflict? • Conflict Resolution • Solving a disagreement in a way that satisfies both sides • Compromise – both sides give something up but are satisfied • Win-win – Nobody gives anything up and both are satisfied • Mediation • A process in which a third party, a mediator, helps find a solution • T.A.L.K. • Take a time out, at least 30 minutes • Allow each person to tell his or her side UNINTERRUPTED • Let each person ask questions • Keep brainstorming to find a good solution for both parties

How to Manage Anger • Ask yourself, “Have I taken this situation too personally.” • Brainstorm ways to handle the situation • Listen to music or just sit quietly • Walk, run, swim, or do something active • Explain to the other person how you feel (OTFD) • Attack the problem, not the person • Identify exactly what triggered your anger • Try to imagine the other persons perspective (empathy) • Talk over the situation with a parent, friend, or trusted adult • Take time to cool down

AVOIDING AND PREVENTING VIOLENCE • What is violence? • An act that causes physical or psychological harm to a person or damage to a property • What is homicide? • The killing of one human being by another • One of the leading causes of death among teens

Teen Violence • What can lead to teen violence? • Gangs • Weapons • Drugs • How does the medias portrayal of violence affect teens? What about video games?

School Violence • A school should be an environment in which you feel safe and cared for. • Do you feel safe in your school? • What makes an unsafe school? • What makes a safe school? • Do you know any examples of school violence?

How To Protect Yourself From Violence AT HOME OUTDOORS Lock doors and windows when you are home alone. Open the door only to people you know well. Don’t give personal information away over the phone or computer. Never agree to meet alone with anyone you met online. If someone frightening comes to your door when you are home alone, call 911. Never shoot firearms or pick them up if they are unloaded. When you come home, have your key in hand. Don’t enter if the door is ajar. Never tell a stranger that you are home alone. Do not walk alone at night. Avoid poorly lit areas. If you think someone is following you go into a store or public area. Never hitchhike or accept a ride from strangers. Avoid entering an elevator alone with a stranger. Don’t look like an easy target. Stand tall and walk with confidence. If someone wants your money or possessions, give them up. If you are attacked, scream and get away anyway you can. Do not carry a firearm or weapon.

COMMUNICATION & CONFLICT RESOLUTION