Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts

1. Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts Mending a Shattered Heart & Facing Heartbreak

2. Common Questions from Partners • Will this get better? Is there hope? • What is disclosure? • How do I structure my boundaries? • What do I tell the kids? • Should I stay or should I go? • What are the 12 steps and what can they do for me? • Where do I get help? • Is my husband a pedophile? • Is my husband gay?

4. The course of recovery over time and the parallel path of the partner

5. The Six Stage Model Defined for Partners • Stages are fluid and often overlap • No specific time periods for each stage • Similar to addict stages

6. Stages of Recovery for the Partner • The Developing Stage (Pre-Discovery) • Crisis • Shock • Grief (Ambivalence) • Repair • Growth

7. THE COURSE OF RECOVERY OVER TIME DEVELOPING STAGE (Pre-discovery) CRISIS/ Decision/ Information Gathering SHOCK STAGE GRIEF STAGE REPAIR STAGE GROWTH STAGE

8. THE DEVELOPING STAGE Prior to learning partners behavior is an addiction Can last months or more commonly years. Partners either knew of the behavior or were completely “in the dark” re: illicit sexual behaviors If a partner knew of behaviors, often would minimize, deny, blame themselves or join in the sexual escapades of the addict

9. The Developing Stage • Believe tall tales. • Tolerate, normalize unacceptable behavior from the addict (verbal abuse, dependency, unavailability, mood swings, etc.). • Self- doubt (second-guessing, not trusting gut feelings). • Seek couples therapy to treat the relationship. • Unmanageability.

10. Crisis Stage • Façade of addict has been exposed. • Catalytic event that causes partner to confront reality of the addiction • Information-seeking at its highest • Take action/ making decisions (e.g. sending to treatment, joining a 12-step group, read literature pertaining to sexual addiction, separation, file for divorce, seek information • Emotional turmoil

11. Typical Path of Disclosure • Deny everything • Disclose what you think you can get away with • Disclose a bit more • Get confronted as more things come out • Disclose all • (REPEAT!)

12. Shock Stage • Feelings and emotions occur as a result of the initial discovery/disclosure of the addiction • Emotional numbness or avoidance • Feeling victimized/ traumatized • Suspicious • Fear about slips, future • Feelings of despair • Anger (hostility, self-righteousness, blame, criticism) • Ruminating/ Distrust • Desire accountability/ disclosure from addict

13. Shock Stage Continued • Partner • Disclosure of ALL previously concealed behavior is desired • Reasons cited: • To make sense of the past • To validate their suspicions • To gain a sense of control • To assess their risk of STD exposure • To assess their partner’s relationship commitment

14. Grief and Ambivalence • Grieving losses. • Feelings of depression. • Ambivalence about the relationship. • Increased introspection and focus on the self. • Less focus on the addicts behavior.

15. Repair Stage • Introspection. • Decision-making stage about the relationship. • Deeper insight into possible co-dependency issues. • Family of origin themes examined and integrated. • Prior losses more fully grieved. • Increased strength and coping skills. • Boundary setting. • Emotional stability.

16. Growth Stage • Decreased feelings of being victimized by the addiction. • Focus on issues not directly related to the addiction. • Awareness of your role in the dysfunction of the relationship increases. • Acknowledgement of gifts the addiction has brought to your life.

17. STAGE MIX IN RECOVERY Crisis/Decision Growth Developing Repair Shock Grief Crisis/Decision Repair Developing 1 2 3 4 5 6 Grief Shock Growth 3. Fifth Year Crisis/Decision Shock Repair Developing 1 2 3 4 5 6 Grief Growth 2. Third Year 1 2 3 4 5 6 1. Early First Year

18. Trauma Survivor or Codependent?

19. Trauma model for partners • Research shows partners experience PTSD symptoms and symptoms of acute stress disorder post disclosure (Steffens and Rennie, 2006) • Sexual Trauma Model (Minwalla, Chapter 6 Mending) • More practitioners acknowledging partner’s experience as trauma

20. Trauma Model for Partners • “Relational Trauma” triggers a multitude of trauma responses: • Emotional Turmoil • Fear that manifests as protective behaviors • Obsessing about the trauma • Avoidance of thinking about or discussing the trauma • Intrusive thinking about the addiction or acting out behaviors • Sleeplessness/ nightmares

21. The Level of Trauma is influence by… • Amount of deception • Length of time of deception • Gaslighting/ covert emotional abuse • Type of acting out/ offending behavior • Exposure to the acting out • Public Embarrassment • Impact on the children • Impact on finances

22. Developing Therapeutic Alliance with the Partner • Validate Trauma • Typical “Joining” strategies • Allow for narrating of story and pain • Emphasize the importance of their own therapeutic process • Boundary work • Challenge cautiously – do deeper, more introspective work, after initial trauma symptoms have decreased • Abandonment, FOO issues, past traumas

23. Traditional Codependency Model • Approximately 50% of partners self-identify as “co-dependent” • Many partners will not want to be “labeled”, especially initially. • As therapeutic alliance grows may be able to challenge them more • Couples nicely with addict’s 12 step work – partner “works their own program”

24. Characteristics of Co-Addiction/ Co-dependency • Denial • Preoccupation • Enabling • Rescuing • Taking excessive responsibility • Emotional turmoil • Efforts to Control • Compromise of self • Anger • Sexual issues

25. Criticisms • Trauma Model • Addict is “sick” and partner is “healthy” • Does not challenge partner to get out of “victim” stance • Does not challenge partner to take responsibility for their own behaviors • Codependency Model • Developed in Patriarchical Addiction culture • Pathologizes family members • Traumatizing to partners – when they feel misunderstood

26. Influence on Partner Sexuality • Relational Sexual Difficulties • Sexual Aversion • Sexual Shame • Body Image Issues • Sexual Secrets • Obligatory Sex • Broken Trust • www.recoveryzone.com to take PSS

27. Support for Partners • Therapy • Task Centered Therapy • Trauma work • Group support (facilitated group therapy) • Normalizes • Decreases Shame • Twelve Step Support • Spiritual Support • Family/ Couples work when appropriate • Bibliotherapy

28. Treatment for the Partner

30. Partner Tasks

31. The Seven Tasks for Partners • Cope with the Trauma of Discovery/Disclosure • Manage the Crisis • Develop a Plan for Support and Self-Care • Understand the Nature of Addiction • Deal with the Emotional Aftershock • Communicate Effectively about the Addiction • Create a Recovery Plan

32. Task 1: Cope with the trauma of discovery/ disclosure • Recognize the Trauma • Learn About the Toxic Dance of the Staggered Disclosure • Toxic Flow: The STEPS of Staggered Disclosure • Identify Lies and Misinformation • Identify Level of Trauma • Recognize the Difference Between Big (Big T) and Small (Small T) Traumas in your Life • Recognize Trauma Symptoms • Learn to Tell Your Story of What Happened

34. Task 2: Manage the crisis • Establish Safety • Create a Safety Shield • Set Non-Negotiable Boundaries • Set Healthy Emotional Boundaries • Set Healthy Physical and Sexual Boundaries • Set Healthy Boundaries for People, Places and Things • Develop a Communication Plan

38. Task 3: Develop a plan for support and self care • Establish a Support System • Build your Support Network • Find a Therapist • Learn About Group Therapy • Get Involved in a Twelve Step Community • Create a Self-Care Plan • Find Other Methods of Self-Care • Practice a Relaxation Technique • Learn to Soothe

39. Task 4: Understand the nature of addiction • Learn key concepts about addiction in general • Learn about Sex Addiction • Learn about Addiction and the Brain • Recognize Current Beliefs About Addiction • Understand the Concept of Cross Addiction • Understand Criteria for Addictive Illness • Learn Risk Factors of Addiction

40. Task 5: Deal with the emotional aftershock • Identify your Emotions • Identify your Losses • Deal with Grievances • Manage your Pain • Cope with your Anger • Deal with the Shame and Guilt • Cope with Feelings of Numbness and Efforts to Distract • Deal with Confusion • Find Hope

44. Task 6: Communicate effectively about the addiction • Write a Partner Impact Letter • Identify Your Communication Style • Explore Communication Roles and the Karpman Triangle • Create a Communication Toolbox • Write a Letter to Sex Addiction • Identify Toxic Ineffective Communication Strategies and Coping Behaviors • Identify Hot Topics in about Sex Addiction in Your Relationship

47. Task 7: Create a recovery plan • Personal Craziness Index • Complete Forgiveness Exercise • Complete Forge Ahead Exercise • Complete a Sexuality Survey • Understand Partner’s Impact on Your Sexuality • CreateSexual Affirmations • Identify Negative Beliefs About Your Body and Your Sexuality • Find Alternative Reactions to Destructive Behaviors