CHAPTER 6

1. CHAPTER 6 Developing Close Relationships

2. The Development of a Relationship • Relationships take time and effort - becoming aware – first impressions - Making contact – getting acquainted - Disclosure – sharing our hopes, dreams, and fears

3. Discussion: • Consider your closest relationships (friendships, family, or romantic) • How did they develop? • Who became aware of who? • Who made the contact? • What did disclosure look like?

4. Exercise • List 10 traits of your best friend

5. Discussion • Share your list with a partner. • What is your definition of a friend? • Think about what you value in a friendship. • Are your traits similar to your classmates?

6. Exercise • Men vs. women (list on board)

7. Becoming Friends • Friends play a very significant role in our lives. They provide us with emotional support and social ties that are vital to our well-being.

8. The Development of a Relationship • Relationships evolve, they don’t just happen. They take time and effort.

9. Can you Trust Your Friends? • If not, are they really friends? • These questions can help you make a decision about whether to trust someone or not: • How predictable is the individual? • Can I depend upon her or him? • Do I have faith in that person?

10. Important Factors in Becoming Friends • Similarities – we are drawn to people who are similar to us. Research indicates that similarities attract. The more similar, the longer the relationship will last.

11. Exercise • Think of either your partner or a close friend. • Complete the exercise on page 289 in your book titled “Are You Compatible”

12. Where Do I go to Find Friends? • Go to places where you will find other people who have similar interests and needs. For example, if you like art, you may meet similar friends at an art museum or in an art class. Proximity – physical nearness. Major factor in the development of friendships. Most people meet their friends at school, work, neighborhood, places they “hang-out,” etc.

13. Internet Dating • There are over 1,000 online dating services • 16 million Americans have tried online dating • 79% say online dating is a good way to meet people • 52% say the experience was mostly positive. • 29% say it was mostly negative.

14. Do Opposites Attract? • They do for a period of time – until the novelty wears off – then dissimilar beliefs, interests, and attitudes can cause more conflict than attraction. • Repulsion Hypothesis – The fact that some people are initially and spontaneously repulsed by strangers who are very dissimilar to themselves.

15. Do Opposites Attract? • Do they compliment each other? People with complimentary needs are drawn to each other as each person supplies certain qualities that the other partner is lacking.

16. Attraction • Reciprocity – We tend to like those who indicate they like us. • Compliments – Refer to Carnegie’s six rules of “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Emphasize the use of praise and flattery. • Social Exchange Theory – We measure our actions and relationships on a cost-benefit basis. People maximize their rewards and minimize their cost by employing their resources to gain the most favorable outcome. We may forego a strong sexual attraction to a partner for stability and integrity.

17. Dating and Mating • Mate selection throughout the world – Chastity was most important in marital selection in China, India, Indonesia, Iran, Taiwan, and Palestinian Arab cultures. • Housekeeping skills are of high value in areas of South Africa. • Religion is important in many cultures.

18. Exercise • Turn to page 291 in your book • Complete the exercise titled “Mate Selection” • Rate each of the factors according to their importance to you in a mate

19. Discussion • What traits do you look for in a potential date/relationship? • Are these traits different than those you look for in a friend?

20. Becoming Lovers • There is a great similarity between love relationships and good-friend relationships – similarities, reciprocity, etc. • Love relationships require a greater depth of caring and exclusiveness. They are also likely to generate greater emotions and power – in turn, the potential for greater frustration and distress.

21. Is it Love or Infatuation? • Hans Selye described the body’s physiological response to a stressful event and to a passionate kiss as being the same. Both cause accelerated heartbeat, accelerated breathing, heart pounding, sweating, etc. • Research has found that we don’t fall in love, we grow into love.

22. Discussion What is Love?

23. What is Love? • Harry Stack Sullivan says: “When the satisfaction, security, and development of another person is as important to you as your own satisfaction, security, and development, love exists.” - What do you think???

24. Myths About Love • There are many myths about Love. • True love will last forever - the assumption is that a one “true love” exists that will be perfect and trouble free. 2. Love can conquer all - The assumption is a relationship will make problems go away. This can be true, but it can also be true that stress can cause otherwise good relationships to suffer and fail.

25. Myths about Love 3. Love is a purely positive experience - The assumption is that love always feels good. Individuals in relationships can expect challenging, frustrating, and even hurtful times as well a positive times. 4. When you fall in love you know it. - the assumption is love happens suddenly. Often individuals grow into loving relationships from the foundation of a friendship.

26. Myths about Love 5. When love strikes you have no control over your behavior - The assumption is that love “takes over.” As with any other emotion (such as anger) you are always responsible for your behavior.

27. 3 Components of Love • Passion – an intense physiological desire • Intimacy – the feeling that one can share all of one’s thoughts and actions with another person. • Commitment – the willingness to stay with a person, no matter what.

28. Triangle • Romantic Love = intimacy + passion • Infatuation = passion alone • Liking = intimacy alone • Companionate love = intimacy + commitment • Empty love = commitment alone • Fatuos Love = passion plus commitment • Consummate love = intimacy + passion + commitment (complete love)

29. Development of Love • Love is a developmental process that often begins with passion. As passion fades (waxes and wanes), intimacy and commitment grow, and love grows stronger.

30. 5 Languages of Love • Dr. Gary Chapman (1995) author of the Five Love Languages, has concluded that there are basically 5 emotional love languages – 5 ways that people speak and understand emotional love. • If your “love language” is different from your partners – it may be like speaking different languages. • It is critical to know your partners love language and respond to their needs in this way.

31. 5 Love Languages: • Words of Affirmation – some people need verbal appreciation and encouragement in order to feel love. i.e. “you look great”, “I know you will do well in school.” 2. Quality Time – This is about focusing all your energy on your mate. i.e. turn off the tv and give each other quality time – quality listening time, or doing something together

32. 5 Love Languages: 3. Receiving Gifts – It is one thing to remember birthdays and anniversaries; it’s another to give “little gifts” of thoughtfulness more often. i.e. any free, frequent, expensive, or rare gift. A visible sign of your love 4. Acts of Service – Sometimes simple chores or tasks around the house that are helpful to another person can be an undeniable expression of love. Acts performed out of the kindness of your heart, not obligation.

33. 5 Languages of Love 5. Physical Touch – Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. i.e. a hand on the shoulder, a hug, a kiss, holding hands, a touch on the cheek. Sexual contact is only 1 dialect of physical touch.

34. Discussion • Do people have a need for more than 1 “love language?” • What do you feel your primary “love language” is? If you are in a committed relationship, what do you feel your partner’s primary “love language” is? • What are the pros and cons of being in a committed relationship?

35. Becoming Committed • Our book states “A person who is pushed or pressured into a relationship will discover that their commitment is weaker and less enduring.” • What do you think about this statement? • What do you think about arranged marriages?

36. Becoming Committed • If a commitment is made in defiance or pressure from parents or peers, the commitment may be very strong. If someone is told that they can’t date a specific person, many times they will go out of their way to be more committed to them. • Psychological Reactance = is the tendency to protect or restore one’s sense of control, often by doing the opposite of what has been demanded. • Also know as Romeo and Juliet Effect, where their love was intensified because of their families opposition.

37. Becoming Committed • Although alternative to marriage are more viable than ever in our society today, we have many choices that are considered acceptable as compared to the past: - marriage/partnership - singlehood - cohabitation

38. Should a Person Marry? • More than 9 out of 10 people eventually marry. • The average woman gets married at age 26. The average man gets married at age 28. • The proportion of people ages 30 – 34 who have never married continues to increase.

39. Should I remain Single? • Remaining single is becoming a practical lifestyle, with more and more people remaining single. • The negative image of a single person as depressed, lonely, and frustrated is disappearing, and is being viewed as a viable life choice.

40. Should we live Together? • There was a time when “shaking up” was not viewed in a positive light. • Today, cohabitation is no longer viewed so negatively. • Cohabitation has become increasingly common, not only in the United States, but also in other industrialized countries, such as Great Britain, Australia, Denmark, Finland, France, and Sweden. • More children in Sweden are born to cohabitating couples than to married couples.

41. Should we Live Together? • In the United States couples who cohabitate before marriage has risen over the last 40 years with 67 million opposite-sex married couples living together in 2008. • Majority of people who cohabit are under 24 years old • Most cohabitating relationships don’t last more than 2 years; Less than 1 out of 10 lasts 5 years. • Approximately 1/3 of cohabitating couples have children

42. Should we live together? • There is a higher divorce rate for couples who cohabitate before marriage: 40% as opposed to 31%

43. Happily married couples spend time together on activities they mutually enjoy. Share same values Are highly Flexible Marry when they are older Have happily adjusted parents 6. Are emotionally well adjusted 7. Have a positive attitude towards each other 8. Are willing to problem solve. 9. Have mutual life goals 10. Are sexually compatible Will Your Marriage Last Forever?

44. Are you the One for me?- Barbara Deangelis (1993) Potentially bad relationships: • You care more about your partner than they do about you. • Your partner cares more about you than you care about them • You are in love with their potential • You are on a rescue mission • You look up to your partner as a role model • You are infatuated for external reasons • You are only partially compatible • You choose your partner to be rebellious • You choose your partner as a reaction to your previous partner • Your partner is unavailable

45. 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work-John Gottman (1999) • Wrote a best selling book that states that the determining factor in whether couples feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is significantly related to their perception of the quality of their friendship with their spouse.

46. Marital Adjustment • During our courtship, we can be blind to our partner’s negative characteristics. • John Gottman (1999, 2000) believes that some negativity is more toxic than others: • Criticism • Contempt • Defensiveness • Stonewalling

47. What is the 5-1 Ratio? • According to John Gottman (1999, 2000) this is the difference between divorce and a positive long-term relationship. • Satisfied couples maintain a 5-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.

48. 4 Keys to a Happy Relationship • Learn to calm down • Validate your partner • Learn to speak and listen non-defensively • Practice, practice, practice

49. Family Violence • Physical violence is most likely to erupt in families lacking communication skills. • There seems to be many causes of violence. • Many abusive relationships start while dating. • Domestic Violence is not isolated to physical abuse. • Family Violence can be psychological, verbal, emotional, sexual, as well as other issues related to power and controlling behaviors

50. Codependent Relationship • Where one person has allowed another person’s behavior to affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. • Can change co-dependence by becoming aware of the problem and accepting the problem and responsibility for it.