SPCAA Head Start & Early Head Start In Service

1. SPCAA Head Start & Early Head StartIn Service August 3, 2012

2. Ethics and RelationshipsJanis Henderson, M.S., CFLE Without civic morality communities perish; without personal morality their survival has no value Bertrand Russell, British mathematician and philosopher (1872-1970)

3. Ethics Defined • socially constructed • guide decisions in value-laden circumstances • based in Tenets of Hippocrates • the “gray areas”

4. Ethics Professional Ethics • codifies belief structure to a standard • professional behaviors as • acceptable • non-acceptable • created for specific contexts; however: • ethical guides are trans-disciplinary • everyone’s concern • no one’s exclusive domain

5. Ethics Relational Ethics Approach • nature of relationships • complexity and duality of roles

6. Ethics Resolution of Ethical Dilemmas: Ethics and Self Reflection • essential to resolution of ethical dilemmas • reason ethically and think critically • Past wisdom Present learning Future striving

7. Ethics References Adams, R.A., Dollahite, D.C., Gilbert, K.E., & Keim, R.E. (2001). The development and teaching of ethical principles and guidelines for family scientists. Family Relations, 50, 41-48. National Council on Family Relations. (2009, 2nd edition). Tools for Ethical Thinking and Practice in Family Life Education. National Council on Family Relations Powell, L.H. & Cassidy, D. (2007, 2nd edition). Family Life Education: Working with families across the lifespan. Illinois: Waveland Press.

8. Group Discussion Scenario One of your co-workers’ relatives has children enrolled at your center. The children’s parent(s) feel that because they have Mondays off, they should not have to bring their children to class on that day. The children have not attended class for several Mondays. Your co-worker has stated the attendance concern is not missing should not be an issue.

9. Ethics Group Discussion Questions Practice identifying elements of an ethical dilemma 1. Identify the Relational fields(affected parties) 2. Identify the Black & White issues (standards, policies, laws) 3. Identify the Gray areas (ethical concerns) Why is a resolution difficult to reach?

10. Making your conversations work better Miriam Mulsow, Ph.D.

11. Resource Materials used in this presentation have been quoted directly or paraphrased from: Benjamin, B.E., Yeager, A., and Simon, A. (2012). Conversation Transformation: Recognize and Overcome the 6 Most Destructive Communication Patterns

12. Common Habits of Conversation • Yes, but… • Mind reading • Negative predictions • Leading questions • Complaints • Attacks (2012) Benjamin, Yeager, and Simon

13. Yes, but… • Token agreement, followed by a different idea For example: I understand your desire to be in the Bahamas right now, but this inservice is really important for you to keep your grant. Common way of communicating in the US. Some people even do it to themselves.

14. What happens with “Yes, but...” • People may actually not disagree that much in the beginning. • Hearing “but,” the brain tends to tune out everything that came before and focus on what it hears after the “but.” • People can become polarized as they get frustrated by the parts of the messages that they are hearing.

15. Other ways of saying “Yes” before “but” • I understand where you’re coming from… • I see your point… • That may be true… • I know that seems like the obvious solution… • You could say that… • While that’s one way to look at things… • You’re absolutely right… • Sure…

16. Other ways of saying but… • …however… • …nevertheless… • …on the other hand… • …still… • …only then… • …have you considered… • …it’s just that… • …and yet…

17. Yes, but…, or the “Polite Fight” • Yes, but… can become a habit you don’t even notice in your conversations and relationships. • Each person responds to the other’s “Yes, but…” with his or her own “Yes, but…”. • They become increasingly rigid and polarized until it seems as if they have nothing in common. • Communication between them breaks down as they become more frustrated and angry.

18. So what do you do about it? • Say 3 specific things to emphasize the “yes” part of your statement. • Think “builds” not “buts”. • Make sure you mean them. This will be uncomfortable at first. It takes practice. • Only after your 3 positives do you bring in your contrasting idea. • This should be an open ended question, not a leading question, and no “but.”

19. Example • It would be great to be in the Bahamas right now! • I hear the average high temperature at this time of year there is 89 degrees. • I bet the whole office would enjoy a trip there. • Do you know of any way we could get all of us there to do this inservice?

20. Mind Reading • Assumptions about someone else’s feelings or thoughts, stated as a fact. For example: “She thinks she’s better than everyone else.” Sometimes we don’t speak the mind-read, we just assume it is true and act like it is.

21. Imaginary Friends? • “When we treat our mind-reads as facts, we base our relationships on speculations, wishes, and fears rather than reality.” p. 60 • “You can get in trouble assuming that a particular behavior means the same thing coming from someone else as it would coming from you.” p. 63

22. Where do mind-reads come from? • Ambiguity: we have little info, so we assume. • Big risk with electronic communication. • Worries and fears • Hopes and wishes • Stereotypes and generalizations • Hearsay and rumors • Past experience with the person or others

23. Why don’t we just ask them? • We don’t know we’re doing it • We fear what we’ll hear “Someone else’s thoughts or feelings give you information about them, not about you.” p. 74 • Lack of trust • Social learning (we learned to mind-read fm others) • They discourage questions

24. Signs that you are mind reading • More time talking w them in your imagination or talking to other people about them than talking to them. • Not what they say but what you think they’re not saying that worries you. • You wonder what they think of you. • You don’t think they’re telling the whole truth. • Things they say bother you that wouldn’t if someone else said them. • Their behavior reminds you of someone else you know or once knew. • You think you know what they’re going through better than they do.

25. How to stop mind-reading • Recognize it when you do it. • Make yourself admit that you may be wrong. • Analyze effects mind-reading is having on you: • Emotionally • How you view yourself and/or the other person • Your relationship with that person • Potential opportunities in life or work • What might change if you tested it against reality?

26. If you decide it’s worth it to find out… • Make a simple, brief, direct statement of what you are thinking. • Ask a simple “yes” or “no” question if what you are thinking is right. • Take time to absorb the response you get. • If you aren’t sure of the answer they give you, again, ask a direct question. • If you think someone is doing it to you, ask.

27. Negative Predictions • Negative speculations about the future, stated as a fact. For example: If you skip this inservice, we will lose our grant. “When we make negative predictions, we treat our worries and fears” as facts. p. 93

28. What’s negative about negative predictions? • Negative predictions can become self-fulfilling • We come off as anxious and defensive • We waste time worrying that could have been spent working on solutions • Negative predictions can be contagious • “Negative predictions cause unnecessary suffering and also increase the chances that our fears will come true.” p. 96

29. How to stop negative predictions • What’s the worst that can happen? • Gather genuine facts to guide your actions. • Start with the fact that nobody knows what will happen in the future. • Search your memory for positive experiences in similar situations. • Focus on what you can control and things that increase your odds of success. • Make goals and plans, not predictions.

30. Leading Questions • Questions that make it obvious what the right answer is supposed to be. For example: Wouldn’t you rather have a job than to go on vacation? • Leading questions don’t get genuine answers and frequently cause trouble. • Many people don’t realize they are doing this.

31. Four types of Questions • Broad: open ended, invite others’ input. • Narrow: direct, specific, asking for facts or yes/no, either/or answers. • Leading: opinions in question form, seeking agreement rather than information • Righteous questions: attacks in question form, expressing blame, indignation, or outrage.

32. Spot a Leading Question at its Beginning, Middle, or End • Aren’t… • Don’t… • Isn’t… • Can’t… • Wouldn’t… • Won’t… • …shouldn’t we? • …don’t you think? • …right? • …yes? • …really… • …honestly…

33. What to do about Leading Questions • Rephrase the question so that you separate your opinion from your question. • Use either or both, but not in the same sentence. • By doing this, you greatly increase the odds that both will be heard. • This greatly increases the odds of you accomplishing your result.

34. Complaints • Frustrated, whining, or resentful comments implying that people or circumstances are unfair. For example: This organization always chooses the worst times to schedule inservices! Complaints substitute for productive action.

35. What’s Wrong with Complaints • Focus our energy outward on what’s wrong rather than inward on what we can do about it. • “Communicating in complaints tends to block problem solving, perpetuate a sense of hopelessness, and elicit responses from others that fail to help or even make things worse.” p.149

36. What to Do about Complaints • The person wants something but feels powerless to get it. • Challenge yourself to notice when you get caught up in complaints, internally or verbally • Ask yourself/the other person what you/they want, then make a proposal for how to get it. • See the way your own thinking holds you back • There’s more than one way to get what you want and need.

37. Don’t let these get in your way • Focusing on others’ actions rather than on yourself • Negative predictions or mind-reading • Getting caught up in other’s complaints • Focusing on superficial issues • Trying to solve other’s complaints without a change in approach by them

38. Attacks • Venting of strong negative feelings in a hostile or blameful way that it hard for those feelings to be understood or get resolved. For example: You don’t even care about what I want! Instead of expressing negative feelings in a straightforward way (“I’m irritated”), we vent them on other people (“She has no right to treat me like this!”) or in a hostile tone.

39. Types of Verbal Attacks • Accusations and blame • Accusatory mind-reading • Labeling, name calling, put downs, and profanity • Threats and retaliatory remarks • Sarcastic jabs • Expressions of outrage and indignation • Attacks in the form of righteous questions • Neutral words in a hostile tone or inflection

40. They can’t see what they can’t see • Most people who communicate in attacks have no idea that they are doing it. • They may think that they are sharing feelings, giving facts, asking questions, using humor, or even showing tactful restraint. • Just using “I feel” doesn’t stop something from being an attack. • Feelings are emotional experiences.

41. Facts • Facts: Convey data, not put downs • Facts become attacks when the tone in which they are delivered conveys anger, irritation, or contempt. • When information is presented in this way, the person on the receiving end is likely to be too upset to get anything useful from them. (p. 172)

42. Righteous Questions • Communicates “You’re wrong” or “You should have known better” rather than “Could you give me some information?” Examples: • “What on earth gave you THAT idea?” • “What were you THINKING?”

43. Humor • Fine line between a funny joke and a cruel dig or insult. • Often irony and sarcasm get a laugh at someone else’s expense. • Sarcastic barbs can be more painful than other forms of attacks. • The speaker may by trying to show restraint but the remark comes out as an attack due to the contempt and annoyance that’s evident.

44. Ineffective Responses to Attacks • Focusing on the situation: Avoiding or trying to fix it • Dismissing the other person’s concern • Making proposals • Focusing on the people: Laying or diverting blame • Counterattacks • Self attack • Self defense

45. What to do About Attacks • Distill the attack into useful information • Feelings don’t cause problems, but the way they are expressed can. • If you don’t recognize when you are frustrated or irritated, you may need someone you trust to tactfully tell you when you start to sound hostile. Don’t ask your employee or children. • Be sure you are ready to hear it if you ask

46. When you are on the Verge of Attack • Give yourself time to calm down first. • After you have calmed down, try to identify one or more words for what you are feeling • Once you have identified them, then clearly state each of them. • Decide what you want to have happen between you and the person you are tempted to attack. • Set a productive goal, not one that involves making the other person change or punishing the other person.

47. Transforming Attacks • Recognize • Identify your feelings, state them clearly, and rate their intensity • Strategize • Identify a goal for what you want to have happen with the person you feel like attacking; or make a plan for helping yourself feel better that doesn’t involve the other person. • Verbalize (if appropriate) • Practice clearly stating the feelings, facts, proposals, or questions you would like to communicate to the other person, then set up a time to talk calmly p. 183

48. Group Discussion Scenario One of your co-workers’ relatives has children enrolled at your center. The children’s parent(s) feel that because they have Mondays off, they should not have to bring their children to class on that day. The children have not attended class for several Mondays. Your co-worker has stated the attendance concern is not missing should not be an issue.

49. Communication Group Discussion Question • One member of each group come up with at least one attack based on the scenario. • The group identifies feelings that might be behind the attack, states them clearly, and rates how intense they would be. • The group identifies a goal for the situation • Each member of the group practices role playing how they would discuss the situation with the coworker and/or family.

50. Conflict Resolution Katherine Lindley, B.S, CFLE (pending)