Bisexual Desire and the Unicorn: Polyamorists and Sexual A gency

1. Bisexual Desire and the Unicorn: Polyamorists and Sexual Agency Dr. Elisabeth Sheff Georgia State University

2. Bisexuality and Polyamory • Strong association between bisexuality and polyamory/non-monogamy • Excuse to stigmatize bisexual people as promiscuous or unable to commit • This presentation discusses estimated numbers of poly and bisexual people, poly community attitudes towards bisexuality and their impacts, especially on gender and the “Unicorn Hunters” who seek a “Hot Bi Babe”

3. Semi-reliable Statistics • Estimated 40% of polyamorists are bisexual (Weitzman 2006, 2007), with more bisexuality among women than men (Sheff 2005) • Estimated 30 to 50% of bisexuals in non-monogamous relationships (Page 2004) • National estimate 2.3% general population identifies as bisexual • Identity/behavior and measurement issues complicate statistics

4. Attitudes towards bisexuality • Vary geographically and by community • Vary most significantly by gender • Women are assumed to be bisexual unless explicitly stated otherwise, and even heterosexual women are assumed to be heteroflexible at a minimum • Men are assumed to be heterosexual or possibly heteroflexible but generally not assumed to be bisexual • While certainly not free of homophobia, poly communities are generally far more accepting of male bisexuality than are mainstream swing communities

5. Impacts of gendered attitudes towards bisexuality • Heterosexual women who eschew sexual contact with other women sometimes feel pressured, nervous, or embarrassed • Bisexual men tend to remain closeted far more so than bisexual women, and come out far more carefully than their brazenly bisexual sisters

6. Hot Bi Babes • The Hot Bi Babe is a figure of epic proportion in poly circles • She is implicitly female • While bi men are not explicitly excluded from the term, they are certainly not assumed to be included in the moniker • The “unicorn” is a specific type of HBB -- an attractive, unattached bi sexual woman who will date couples -- who highly sought after and extremely rare

7. Unicorn Hunters (UH) • Female/male couples who seek a bisexual woman to add to their existing relationship • Very common among those who are new to poly communities • Cliché that unicorn hunter couples want a two-dimensional partner who will seamlessly fold into their lives but not challenge any other part of the status quo

8. Community Attitudes towards Unicorn Hunters • Poly community cliché that UH couples want a two-dimensional partner who will seamlessly fold into their lives but not challenge any other part of the status quo • While some couples are far more sensitive, all too often people new to web communities post ads listing the qualities they are seeking the unicorn, asking her to move to their farm in a rural area and help raise the kids

9. Community Reaction to UH • Flame the poster of the detailed want ad • Encourage them to read the FAQs and get to know the list so they don’t continue to make such obvious blunders • Encourage them to consider why the unicorn would want to come to them, not just focus on what she should look like and how she should fit in to their lives, but what they have to offer her

10. Women’s Reactions to Unicorn Hunters • Enjoying the power of popularity • Disdain for UH couples • Feeling exploited as a “sex toy” rather than a real person • “Sometimes the couples get each other off and I am the accessory. When they are done they snuggle and I’m like, hey, what about me? Where’s my orgasm?”

11. Men’s Reactions to Unicorn Hunters • Online chiding to encourage posters to reconsider their approach to the group • Gentle redirection most often happens in person, but can happen online as well • Public shaming of unrepentant UH couples • Self-censoring of the desire for a threesome with bi women

12. UH Couples’ Responses • “Where are all the HBBs?” - Initially some may complain to the list about the lack of response to their ad • “Fuck off you uptight assholes!” – Upon receipt of the negative community reaction, some UH posters lash out and leave • “Ohhhhhhh, I never thought of it that way” – The ones who continue to interact often change their tone and come to consider the imagined bisexual woman more deeply

13. UH Responses continued • “Broadening our horizons” – Some UH couples unsuccessful in securing the unicorn over several years will begin to consider other forms of relationship in addition to the coveted FMF triad • “Changing our goals” - Other UH couples abandon the search completely and settle in to relationship forms they had not foreseen • “Not all that” – Some men who have the desired threesome with two women are disappointed to find them more interested in each other than him

14. Citations for Statistics • Sheff, E. (2005) “Polyamorous Women, Sexual Subjectivity, and Power” Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, 34(3):251-283 • Weitzman, G. (2006) ‘Therapy with Clients who are Bisexual and Polyamorous’ Journal of Bisexuality. 6(1/2):137-164. • __________. (2007) ‘Counseling Bisexuals in Polyamorous Relationships’ in Firestein, B. (Ed.) Becoming Visible: Counseling Bisexuals Across the Lifespan. Pp. 312-335. New York: Columbia University Press.