Friend Request – Wendy’s

1. 6 • Confuse. Sometimes all it takes to get a laugh is to be weird. Surreal imagery like standing in line at the department of motor vehicles behind a Viking might do the trick. • 7 • Be specific. Writing "I found a fish in my car" is not as funny as "I found a carp in my Miata.”

2. Friend Request – Wendy’s • I watch her nose scrunch up while she punches buttons and wonder whether it’s hanging out with Jeff and me, or just the gaming that brings her here. I’ve got my hand on her shin and her legs are silky smooth. When I realize I’m petting her shin like some creepy kid hugging a blankie, my palm goes sweaty. I slide my hand away, glance up at Lex to make sure she didn’t notice the awkwardness, and focus on the commercial for Wendy’s that’s flashing hamburgers at us. It’s so bogus how they make them look all tasty and delicious: the meat is succulent and juicy, the buns are puffy and soft, and everything is piled neatly into a mouth-watering pack of deliciousness. But when you buy one, it looks like the truck ran over it, or the dude freakin’ had a seizure while he was slapping it together. • Jeff yells downstairs, “Hey, mom, Keven and Lex are hungry. Can you pick us up some bacon burgers from Wendy’s?” • Lex rolls over and stops texting long enough to bust Jeff’s butt. “You can’t eat bacon burgers at 11:30 at night, Jeff.” She tosses another couple of Skittles in her mouth. “That’s why you’re overweight.” • “Who are you? My mom?” • The answer to that is “yes”. It happened in sixth grade when, by some complicated mathematical algorithm, the letters of our last names, Meyers, Granger, and Harker, all lined up and we shared the same table for an entire year. Lexy organized Jeff’s binder and put his colored pencils and crayons back in rainbow order. She has three little brothers at home. Herding boys comes natural to her. • “I’m not fat,” Jeff explains. “I’ve got big bones and I grow out before I grow up.” • “You need to grow up and get your own bacon burgers,” I toss in. • Lex shuts me down a with a crinkle of her brows and explains to Jeff, “I didn’t mean you were fat. You’re not the healthiest weight. Eating at night is the worst habit ever. And Keven and I aren’t even hungry.” • My stomach growls loud enough to be heard in Africa. Lexy turns an icy stare on me, like I did it on purpose. It’s not my fault. The bacon burgers look all hot and juicy on the commercials. • When Mrs. Harker comes upstairs to do her room check, Jeff stares right at Lex and says, “Hey mom, Keven and I are hungry. Can you pick us up some bacon burgers from Wendy’s?” • Lexy squints back at him and shakes her head, but she’s too polite to call Jeff out in front of his mom. • Mrs. Harker actually goes. Unbelievable! I think my mouth stands open for about half a second when, at a quarter to midnight, she gets dressed and comes back upstairs in her nylon running suit to see if we want to supersize it. • By the time she gets back, the reruns are over. Jeff rifles through his bag, complains that she forgot the ketchup, and camps out at the computer desk against the wall behind the sectional. • “Thanks, Mrs. Harker, that was really nice,” I say, holding up my bag. • “You are so sweet, Keven. Did you hear that, Jeffrey?” Jeff ignores her so she sighs and heads to the kitchen for some ketchup. He’s clicking out a message on his keyboard with fries sticking out of his mouth. • “Jeff, tell your mom ‘thank you’,” Lexy hisses, as she sits up, reaches over and grabs a few of my fries. I don’t really blame her ‘cause the smell of deep-fried deliciousness is tough to resist, but I’m wondering what happened to “it’s the worst habit ever to eat at night.” In the interest of global peace, I opt not to say that to Lex. I just hunch over and savor the whole midnight Wendy’s run experience because my burger is actually looking pretty good. The guys on the midnight shift must have a little more leisure time to perfect their art.

3. 8 • Use funny sounds. Some words just sound funnier than others, like rhubarb. • 9 • Breach social norms; cross taboos

4. Funny Advertisements • Betty White • Doritos Dog • Hyundai Boss