TEAM 8 WRITING IMPROVEMENT PROGRAM (WIP) CLASS IN SESSION

1. TEAM 8WRITING IMPROVEMENT PROGRAM(WIP) CLASS IN SESSION

2. Section 8Writing Improvement ProgramMeeting 3

3. Team 8 WIP Schedule As of 1 AUG 12 Meet in Room 2133 & 2132

4. Last Time • How do I identify the thesis statement? • How do I identify the supporting points?

5. Title: The Afghan Detainee Fiasco Wall Street Journal, September 11, 2012 Pg. 12 US cede control of the U.S.-built Parwan Detention Facility and its detainees at the insistence of Afghan President HamidKarzai Brakes on implementing the deal. The U.S. won't transfer 34 of the most dangerous Taliban fighters The Pentagon doesn't believe it can trust the Karzai government Previous bad experience with detainees in Iraq Thesis: The transfer of control at the Parwan Detention facility is an example of the Obama administration’s lack of resolve when dealing with President Hamid Karzai that may endanger soldiers and could ultimately cause Americans to call for the withdraw of all U.S. troops. American public won't support the deployment if the Afghans allow the release of killers who will return to the war. The Afghan episode shows how U.S. leverage is declining as the Obama Administration heads for the exits Americans support the defeat of al Qaeda in Afghanistan

6. Peer Feedback– Paragraph 1

7. What is substance? Substance consists of the details and logically arranged evidence that support a point of view.

8. Should the M9 be the Army’s standard issue pistol?

9. Can You Spot the Argument? • I like the Glock 17 more than the Beretta. • The M9 is a 9mm pistol adopted by the US Military in 1985. • The M9 should not be the Army’s standard issue pistol because it is not dependable, it lacks stopping power, and it can be complicated to use.

10. NATO Anecdotal Scientific M9 Compatibility Assembly Disassembly Wpns Qual Scores Stopping Power Ease of Use Dependability Alternatives Cost Confusing Safety 9mm/.45ACP Cheaper Civilian Alternatives Lowest bid/cheap ammo Jams, Magazine Problems Highest rated in initial tests

11. The Outline I. Introduction paragraph A. Attention step, opening context or background. B. Thesis statement (your controlling idea; an assertion…). C. List of major points supporting the thesis statement. II. Main Body paragraphs A. Major Point #1: —Evidence # 1 and analysis. —Evidence # 2 and analysis. —Relevance to thesis. B. Major Point #2 (with evidence and analysis, etc.) C. Other major points when necessary. III. Conclusion paragraph A. Review thekey points-ideas from your evidence analysis that support your thesis statement. B. Thesis restatement (to provide information or to persuade). C. Recommendations as appropriate.

12. Building an Outline: Introduction I. Introduction paragraph: A. Attention step, purpose or context--when necessary. B. Thesis statement (single, controlling idea). C. List of major points supporting the thesis statement. At least one paragraph Attention step (Why does the reader want to read your paper? This step pulls the reader in; you have generated an interest.) Thesis statement Major points (2-5) sequenced for max effect and in the same order as addressed in the Main Body of your paper

13. Building an Outline: Main Body II. Main Body paragraphs: A. Major Point #1: —Evidence # 1 and analysis. —Evidence # 2 and analysis. —Relevance to thesis. B. Major Point #2 (with evidence and analysis, etc.) C. Other major points when necessary. Two or more paragraphs (1-2 per main point…) Major Points sequenced in the same order as listed in the Introductory Paragraph The evidencesupporting your major pointsis addressed and analyzed here

14. Characteristics of Effective Paragraphs • Unity-using a controlling idea • Evidence-providing facts and opinions • Coherence-linking ideas and information • Development-providing details • Logic-having a system of thought

15. Evidence • The part of the argument that furnishes proof. • Most evidence is either fact or opinion • Fact: verifiable occurrence or experience • Opinion: trusted judgment believed reliable because the source is knowledgeable, prestigious, and authoritative • Sometimes called premises

16. Kinds of Evidence

17. Paragraph Development • What is a developed paragraph? • A paragraph that has lots of details • Details about (not adjectives and adverbs) • When? • Where? • Who? • What? • Why? • How? • Length-how long should a paragraph be?

18. PE Instructions • Working as a member of a small group, you will read four draft body paragraphs. We will discuss each paragraph in order. • Take notes and be prepared to discuss the feedback you would provide the writer. • Focus on paragraph unity, the quality of evidence, the absence of potentially significant points, instances of inappropriate tone, or any other shortcoming you identify.

19. Paragraph 1-Dependability First, the M9 is not a dependable pistol. Throughout my deployment, my pistol failed constantly. I experienced jams on a number of occasions. Some say that the Army bought some after-market magazines that just don’t get the job done. The producer of the magazines is irrelevant to me; I know what I saw, and that was an undependable pistol in the hands of the nation’s warriors. Additionally, there were several reports of cracked slides, and who can forget about the 1989 reports of Navy SEALS being injured when slides separated from frames and hit shooters in the face? In short, there is a multitude of evidence that this weapon fails to meet adequate standards.

20. Dependability-Coaching Points • Topic sentence is acceptable • Evidence is personal: small sample size • Questionable causation • Which magazines did the Army buy? • Need additional clarity on issue of cracked slides? • 1989? Who wrote this, one of those burned-out Cold Warriors? • Paragraph seems more like the spreading of rumors than examination of evidence

21. Paragraph 2-Stopping Power In addition to being undependable, the M9 lacks stopping power. There have been numerous stories of the enemy continuing to fight after being shot repeatedly with the M9. This all goes back to the preposterous decision to change from the .45 ACP to the 9mm. What were our “leaders” thinking? One thing is for sure—no insurgent is going to stand up to one .45 round, much less require multiple .45 rounds. One of the most popular pistols in the US with competitive shooters is the M1911. How could these experts be wrong given the demands for precision in their sport? Government bean counters never miss a chance to get it wrong. All things considered, it is clear to even the dullest mind that the M9 doesn’t have what it takes to put someone down with one shot.

22. Stopping Power-Coaching Points • Author attempts a transition and offers a clear topic sentence. • Author continues to use anecdotal evidence without specifics. • Tone become objectionable—”preposterous”; leaders in quotation marks seems insulting; bean counters; dullest mind. • Was the author asked to write a compare/contrast paper between the 9mm and the .45? • Author assumes a good competition pistol would make a good combat pistol (tolerances on competition pistols are precise; grit would jam a comp pistol very quickly). • This paragraph is all over the place. It lacks unity and coherence throughout, and its inappropriate tone substitutes for thought.

23. Paragraph 3-Complicated The M9is a complicated pistol, particularly its combined decocker/safety function. It’s possible with this pistol to decock the weapon and then forget to return the switch to the up position. If one does this, the trigger is completely disabled and will pull all the way to the rear even with a round chambered. This safety is safe only for the enemy and is hardly the type of function one would look for in a combat handgun. How many soldiers have drawn their M9 and then pulled the trigger with no effect? Far too many, I would submit. A better choice would be easy to make. For example, the Glock has no safety. If a round is chambered, that gun is ready for action—all a soldier needs is 5.5 pounds of pressure on the trigger.

24. Complicated-Coaching Points • Fails to mention the simplicity of assembly/disassembly. • Topic sentence is serviceable, and the offered example is worth the audience’s attention. • Are there other functions that the author deems complicated, or is this the only one? • Hypothetical question would not be universally accepted by a reasonable audience. • Author offers a comparable alternative—though he does compare and contrast, in this case he compares ease of use, which is specific enough to be useful. • Original outline categorized this area as “ease of use,” and one aspect was the ease in which users qualified with this pistol. Author does not mention that qualification scores are typically higher with this pistol that with its predecessors.

25. Paragraph 4-Cost The Army currently pays approximately $350 per M9. This seems like a reasonable figure, but how can we really put a price on the life of a soldier? My grandfather, a retired logistician, guarantees that there are other options out there that would cost either less or only slightly more. Our civilian masters often claim they will spare no expense in fielding the very best for our soldiers, yet we find that the Army invariably chooses to field the lowest bid. Granted, these are trying times for our nation, so saving money has to be a priority when we can make it so. That said, 9mm ammunition is certainly cheaper per round than .45 ammunition, but saving money at the cost of performance is unconscionable. We have to be “in it to win it.”

26. Cost-Coaching Points • Is $350 a good deal or not? There is no basis for comparison. • The blatant appeal to emotion undermines an attempt to reason with an educated audience. • Appeal to authority fails: grandpa may not be privy to the latest developments in the acquisition process. • Author contradicts himself, at times suggesting price is irrelevant but than admitting that cost matters. Consistency is a virtue. • Author finishes the paragraph with a cliché, which is unoriginal if not vacuous.

27. Building an Outline: Conclusion III. Conclusion paragraph A. Review of major points and key ideas from your analysis that support of thesis. B. Thesis restatement (to provide information or to persuade). C. Recommendations as appropriate (if requested). The conclusion summary =It answers the “So what? What larger issue does this essay inform the reader about? Why should they care? Relevance to today? Implications and consequences?” At least one paragraph; restates your thesis Reviews the major points and “key ideas” from your evidence analysis that best supports your thesis statement or controlling idea.

28. Writing as a Process Process = method, system, organization, logical, sequential, predictable, repetitive, and capable of being mastered. Publishing Editing Revising Drafting Pre-writing

30. Homework:Write a paragraph summarizing one of the two articles listed below: or Maintaining Regional Security A Battle That Returning Soldiers Can't Fight Alone Bring two typed, double-spaced copies to class.