ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY: ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES PRESENTED BY BRO. SAHEED AMOO OLUWASHOLA

1. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY: ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES PRESENTED BY BRO. SAHEED AMOO OLUWASHOLA

2. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM INTRODUCTION • Love is an inherent quality in all of us. It is part of our natural instinct. • We want to love and want to be loved, adored and appreciated by others. • Nobody wants to live in a loveless marriage. It is totally, un- natural. e.g: • Children want to be loved by their parents and family members • Wives want to be loved by their husbands. • Husbands want to be loved by their wives. • Friends, also want to love and be loved by others. • The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: “Marry women who are loving and affectionate” Sunan Abi Dawud vol.2, 545, no. 2045. • “Beautified in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet; women and children, heaped up hoards of gold and silver”. Q3:14 • زُيّنَ لِلنَّاسِ حُبُّ الشَّهَوتِ مِنَ النّسَآء وَالْبَنِينَ وَالْقَنَاـطِيرِ الْمُقَنطَرَةِ مِنَ الذَّهَبِ وَالْفِضَّةِ

3. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM INTRODUCTION • EFFECTS & DANGERS OF LACK OF LOVE • Husbands who are not shown enough love and affection from their wives at home often engage in extra-marital love affairs with co-workers, secretaries, customers etc. • Women who are not shown enough love by their husbands may also end up seeking it from other sources that are haram, like drivers, messengers, neighbours and strangers. • Children who lack parental love may also try to seek it from strangers outside the home and hence become vulnerable to rascals. Some may even start intimate relationship at a very early age. • Allah (swa) has placed within us the instinct of being attracted to the opposite sex. i.e, men being attracted to women and women being attracted to men. • It is for this reason why people engage in intimate relationships to be emotionally secured, to gain confidence, and to know that one is adored and loved. • Think about the effects of words like ‘you beautiful’, ‘you are handsome’, ‘you are so special’, sweetie,....

4. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM SEX • Among the appetite which an individual must satisfy for his personal survival is that of food, drink and sex. • Sex is a satisfaction and fulfillment. Human beings have responded to the demands of the sexual appetite in three different ways: • One way is to satisfy one’s sexual need freely with whomsoever is available and whenever one pleases, without any restraints of religion or morality. These are the free sex advocates. They are not better than animals... • The second approach is to suppress, and try to annihilate, the sexual drive. This leads towards monasticism. This is contrary to Allah’s plan and purpose, and is in conflict with the natural order which requires the use of this appetite for the continuity of life. • The third approach is to regulate the satisfaction of this urge. Neither suppressing it nor giving it free reign. This is achieved through marriage and prohibiting the deviations from this natural order. This is the just and intermediate position. And this is the position of Islam.

5. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM SEX • According to the Shariah, mankind is divided into 3 groups based on the behaviour towards our natural instinct (sexual desire): • Those who practice Celibacy • They are deceived and are led astray by the Shaitan (devil) • If it is allowed to flourish, will lead to the eventual extinction of human race • بُعِثْتُ بِالْحَنِيفِيَّةِ السَّمْحَة • “I was sent with the easy Hanifiyyah (Islamic Monotheism).” Ahmad • Those who practice Promiscuity • They are slaves to their own desires and lusts. • If it is allowed to flourish, leads to the spread of diseases, poverty, moral decay, divorces, murder and vices which are detrimental to both the individual and the society. • ‘It is better for you that a metal rod be plunged into your head than that you should touch a Female who is not lawful for you’.

6. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM SEX • Those who practice Marriage • This is the only institution that is recognized by Allah (swa) as legitimate. Q13:38 • وَلَقَدْ أَرْسَلْنَا رُسُلاً مِّن قَبْلِكَ وَجَعَلْنَا لَهُمْ أَزْوَاجًا وَذُرِّيَّةً • It safeguards the continuation of the human race in a divine, decent and noble manner. • It is the legacy of the prophets. Q13:38 • أَمَّا أَنَا فَأَصُومُ وَأُفْطِرُ، وَأَقُومُ وَأَنَامُ، وَآكُلُ اللَّحْمَ، وَأَتَزَوَّجُ النِّسَاءَ، فَمَنْ رَغِبَ عَنْ سُنَّتِي فَلَيْسَ مِنِّي • “As for me, I fast and break the fast, stand in prayer at night and sleep, eat meat and marry women; He who turns away from my sunnah has no relation with me” Saheeh Muslim vol. 2, p703, no. 3236. • Why? This is because the unmarried person whether male or female, is likely to get involved in un-islamic acts such as masturbation, fornication, adultery, homosexuality, child abuse, rape, lesbianism, etc. Since these actions are haram, the perpetrator of such acts is not of the prophet (saw).

7. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM MARRIAGE • “He who can afford to marry should marry, because it will help him refrain from looking at other women, and save his private parts from committing illegal sexual relation; and he who cannot afford to marry is advised to fast as fasting will diminish his sexual power” Saheeh Bukhari vol.3 p71-72, no. 129 • Men have a natural need towards affection, friendship and warmth. Women represent the pinnacle of caring and love for a man, this quality is not found in anyone else. • وَمِنْ ءايَـتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَجاً لِّتَسْكُنُواْ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِى ذَلِكَ لأَيَـتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ • “And amongst His signs is that He created for you wives from amongst yourselves, that you may find repose in them and, He has created between you affection (love) and mercy. Indeed, herein are signs for people who reflect.” Surah Ar-Rum Q30:21 • “For a woman there is nothing better than either the (companionship) of her husband or the grave. From everything of benefit in the world and most beneficial thing of this world is a pious lady.” Mishkat

8. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE • هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ • 'They are libas (garment) for you and you are libas (garment) for them' Q2:187 • Your garment covers your nakedness from shame, does not expose you and your physical faults; so also your marriage is a cover for you from the defects or deficiencies in you. • Your garment gives you comfort when you are cold; so also your marriage is a place of refuge and comfort (Sakinah, peace of mind, children). • Your garment beautifies you; so also your marriage beautifies your character. • Your garment gives you confidence; so also your marriage gives you confidence and support. • Your garment protects you from external harm, dirt, filths or injury; so also your marriage safeguards you against sins and illegal sexual intercourse. • Your garment makes you special; so also your marriage when successful makes you special (model for others to follow).

9. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE A SINGLE PERSON IS DEPENDENT UPON SOMEONE WHO ISN’T THERE! • The Messenger of Allah (saw) mentioned about the unmarried person; “Dependent and helpless is he who has no wife!” Those listening asked, 'What if he is very wealthy, is he still dependent?' He replied, 'Yes, though he may be extremely wealthy. And dependent and helpless is she who has no husband!' Those listening asked, What if she is very wealthy, is she still dependent?' He replied, 'Yes, even though she may be extremely wealthy.’” Mishkat

10. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM PRINCIPLES & ETIQUETTES OF MARITAL INTIMACY • Intercourse is a necessity for man. • It is permissible, allowed and regulated in Islam. • يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلاَ يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ • Allah intends for you ease, and He does not want to make things difficult for you. Q2:185 • (A) APPROVED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • To have sexual relationship only with one’s spouse. • “A woman approaches in the (tempting) form of a devil, and moves away in the (tempting) form of a devil. When anyone of you finds in a woman something that attracts him, he should run to his wife, because she has the same as the other woman has, and that satisfies his desire (in a lawful way)”. Muslim, Abu Dawud and others. • An intercourse with one’s spouse is a charity and to do it with another woman is Haram. • “And they (the believers) are those who guard their private parts, except from their wives or those their right hand possess, for indeed they will not be blamed (in that regard). Whoever seeks beyond that, those are the transgressors.” QAl-Mu’minoon 23: 5-7

11. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM PRINCIPLES & ETIQUETTES OF MARITAL INTIMACY • (A) APPROVED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • To indulge in foreplay before sexual intercourse • There are permissible acts of foreplay such as love expressions, touching, caressing, kissing, etc. • Ibn Qudaymah points out some benefits such as: • It enables both spouses to be physiologically and physically prepared for the act. • Both parties will likely get as much pleasure as possible. • The process assists the woman to release fluid that helps lubricate her private parts and makes intercourse easier and enjoyable for her. • There should be complete privacy • The two spouses should go into a private room and close doors and curtains for complete privacy before the act. • Sex should not be enjoyed in the presence of children, friends, relatives or other wives.

12. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM (A) APPROVED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • The spouses should beautify themselves • It is permissible to wear clothes and attires to please and attract the other partner. • It is permissible to use perfumes that pleases the partner • It is permissible to brush or use siwak to ensure that no ugly smells come out of their mouth or body. • In doing this one should avoid makeup and clothes that are prohibited in Islam. • Ibn Abbass commented “I like to beautify myself for my wife as much as I like her to beautify herself for me”. Recorded by Ibn Jareer at-Tabari in his commentary on ayah 2:228 • The spouses may undress completely if they so wish. • There is no harm if they see each others private parts. • The evidence for this is the Hadith narrated by Aisha (rta)… • To mention Allah’s name and supplication recommended by the prophet. • بِاسْمِ اللهِ، اللَّهُمَّ جَنِّبْنَا الشَّيْطَانَ وَجَنِّبِ الشَّيْطَانَ مَا رَزَقْتَنَا • In the name of Allah, O Allah save us from Shaytan and keep Shaytan far from the children You may bless us with.”

13. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM (A) APPROVED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • To have successive intercourse with one’s wife • If the urge to engage in sexual intercourse more than once arises, then between each act of intercourse it would be best to: • Wash the private parts and then perform wudoo’ or ablution. • Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri reported that the Messenger of Allah said “when one of you approaches his wife (in intercourse) and then wishes to come back to her (a second time), let him perform wudoo’ in between because this gives him more vigor the second time.” Muslim. • If this is not possible, then the least is to wash the private parts. • Some scholars also rule that it is best to make ghusl each time. • To perform ghusl after intercourse. • It is permissible to have ghusl in the end if one cohabits more than once in one session. Mishkat • Anas reported that : “The prophet used to go to all of his wives (for intercourse) in one night, and with just one ghusl.” Bukhari and Muslim.

14. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM (A) APPROVED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • Successive intercourses with more than one wife • If a man has more than one wife, it is permissible for him to copulate with any number of them during one day or night provided that he ends up spending the night with the wife who has the turn with him. Anas reported that : “He the prophet used to go to all his wives (for intercourse) during one hour of the night or day.” Bukhari and An-Nasai • To perform intercourse by the man entering his wife in her front passage only. • It is permissible to take any position that is comfortable and enjoyable for both of them. • نِسَآؤُكُمْ حَرْثٌ لَّكُمْ فَأْتُواْ حَرْثَكُمْ أَنَّى شِئْتُمْ • “Your women are a place of cultivation for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish…” Q2:223 • Ibn Jurayj (one of the reporters of the Hadith) said that Allah's Messenger said: • مُقْبِلَةً ومُدْبِرَةً إِذَا كَان ذلِكَ فِي الْفَرْج • (From the front or from behind, as long as that occurs in the Farj (vagina).)

15. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM (A) APPROVED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • To fulfill the other partner’s desire • It is a great obligation upon the wife to be always available to fulfill the husband’s desire. It is a major sin for her to deny him the intimate pleasure that he seeks with her. • “A woman would not truly fulfill the right of her Lord until she fulfills all of her husband’s right – even if he were to ask her for herself while she is in a camel’s saddle, she should not deny him of that.” Ahmad, Ibn Majah authenticated by Imam al-Albaanee. • “If a man invites his wife to bed and she refuses to come and he sleeps while angry, the angels curse her till the morning (or till he becomes pleased with her).” Bukhari and Muslim. • The husband is also required to help his wife fulfill her desire. This will help her maintain her chastity. • The Messenger of Allah told Abdullah bin ‘Amr bin al-‘As: “Your body has a right upon you, your eyes have a right upon you, and your wife has a right upon you…” • Intercourse during pregnancy is allowed • It is permissible but the man should be careful not to hurt his wife or the embryo.

16. LOVE, SEX AND MARITAL INTIMACY IN ISLAM (A) APPROVED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • To maintain cleanliness before, during and after the act. • There is no greater cause of abhorrence than foul odour. Clean cloth should be used to prevent the bed from being polluted; besides that, two small towels should be utilized to clean the private parts after cohabitation. • WHEN TO HAVE SEX • There are a few occasions every month, usually just after the menstrual bleeding, that most women develop an intense craving for sex. • Besides these there are also many other times where the urge might rise. The husbands need to recognize these moments and endeavour to fulfill her desires. This will increase her love and respect for him. • A man may also crave for it after a long trip or travel. • Sometimes, if he is also ‘terrorized’ outside.

17. SEX, LOVE AND MARITAL INTIMACY (A) APPROVED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • HOW OFTEN? • Within moderation (not too much or too little). Thus for the body and mind to function at their most productive rates, total deprivation from carnal fulfillment is hazardous, and excessive indulgence (although hard to believe) is also hazardous. Bluntly put; too much or too little sex is harmful for a person as an individual and also the couple and their relationship. • Our Shari'ah has not set out any specific limits for cohabitation, as individual strength, needs and physique vary. • Greater sexual prowess or craving does not make one more of a man, as this is something men like to generally boast about. But whoever has a greater need may indulge at least twice a week. But to have sex every night or more than once a night as a habit can be harmful. • Ejaculation of semen depletes a considerable amount of the body’s energy and nourishment, which must be replenished; otherwise the rest of the body suffers. Thus, it becomes obvious that repeated depletion of this energy and nutrients, too quickly may result in illness. • Also over indulgence becomes burdensome upon the wife. As women usually become satisfied with considerate, fulfilling sex, at moderate intervals, rather than frequent ‘quickies’. • The newly married couple, are encouraged to engage in conjugal activities initially once every two to four days, gradually slowing down to once a week and whenever a really strong urge is felt by either partner.

18. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (B) PROHIBITED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • Anal intercourse • It is strongly prohibited in Islam. It is the ways of the sinners like the people of Lut (asw). Allah will not look at those people. • Imam Ahmad reported that Khuzaymah bin Thabit Al-Khatami narrated that Allah's Messenger said: • لَا يَسْتَحْيِي اللهُ مِنَ الْحَقِّ ثَلَاثًا لَا تَأْتُوا النِّسَاءَ فِي أَعْجَازِهِن • (Allah does not shy from the truth - he said it thrice-, do not have anal sex with women.) This Hadith was also collected by An- Nasa'i and Ibn Majah. • Abu `Isa At-Tirmidhi and An-Nasa'i reported that Ibn `Abbas narrated that Allah's Messenger said: • لَا يَنْظُرُ اللهُ إِلى رَجُلٍ أَتَى رَجُلًا أَوِ امْرَأَةً فِي الدُّبُر • “Allah does not look at a man who had anal sex with another man or a woman.” • Ibn Taymiyyah said: “If a man performs intercourse with the wife in the rectum he should be punished, if she consented she should also be punished by the Islamic authority. • If they do not stop, they should be separated from each other. Majmul - Fatawah 32: 266-268

19. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (B) PROHIBITED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • Intercourse during Menses • It is prohibited to perform intercourse with a menstruating woman. • وَيَسْـَلُونَكَ عَنِ الْمَحِيضِ قُلْ هُوَ أَذًى فَاعْتَزِلُواْ النِّسَآءَ فِي الْمَحِيضِ وَلاَ تَقْرَبُوهُنَّ حَتَّى يَطْهُرْنَ • “They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: "That is an Adha (harm), therefore, keep away from women during menses and go not in unto them till they are purified.” Q2:222 • Allah's Messenger also said: “Do everything you wish, except having sexual intercourse.” • اصْنَعُوا كُلَّ شَيْءٍ إِلَّا النِّكَاح • RULINGS • If a man is guilty of intercourse with his wife during menstruation he should make Tawbah and give charity. • If the blood was red (at the beginning of menses) one must give one dinar as charity. • If the blood was yellow (near the end of her period), one must give half a dinar. Reported by Ibn Abbass recorded by Abu Dawood and Tirmizi, authenticated Imam al-Albaanee. • It is permissible to fondle her and play with her body. • Medical evidence shows that for both the spouses to cohabit during the wife’s Haydh or nifaas, it is extremely harmful. Many women have even suffered near-fatal blood loss and also haemorrhages due to cohabiting too soon after childbirth.

20. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (B) PROHIBITED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • Exposing Intimate Secrets • It is greatly prohibited for a man to expose his wife’s intimate secrets such as reactions to some intimate acts, love expressions, or to say I have done this or that with my wife, etc. • “Indeed, among the people who will have the most grievous position before Allah on the Day of Judgment is a man who, after he privately approaches his wife and she privately approaches him, he exposes her secrets.” Muslim • Fantasizing • The spouses should not think (fantasize) of any person besides the other while having intercourse. This may lead to Zina of the mind. • “The eyes commit zina by looking, the ears commit zina by listening, the tongue commit zina by speaking, the mouth commits zina by kissing, , the hands commit zina touching, the foot commit zina by walking to the sin, the soul or heart wishes and desires the sin, and the private part confirms all of that or denies it.” Bukhari , Muslim

21. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (C) DISLIKED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY Oral Sex • There is no clear text prohibiting it. One cannot declare the prohibition of something without clear evidence from the Quran or sunnah. • Some scholars say it is permissible to a certain degree and count as an act of foreplay. • Most scholars say it is disliked because: • There is no evidence for its practice or acceptance among the Salaf or early Muslims. • Excessive oral sex causes infections to the genitals and Islam prohibits causing harm. • Shaykh al-Albaanee was once asked about oral sex and he replied: “We have not heard of anyone doing this except dogs.” Recorded by Shaykh al-Jibaly, Marital intimacy p.49. • Intercourse on an empty or full stomach • It is disliked to indulge in intercourse on an empty stomach or on a full stomach. • It is disliked to have intimacy when one has the urge to relieve himself (to go to toilet).

22. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (C) DISLIKED ACTS OF MARITAL INTIMACY • It is disliked to drink water immediately after sexual intercourse. • It is also disliked to have sexual intercourse when one is ill or suffering from pains which may have some effects on the body. Ummu Salamah (rta) narrates; that if ever the eyes of any of the wives of the prophet ached, he would not cohabit with them. This was due to consideration of their health. This and other issues are such that both partners should consider at all times in order to maintain a happy mutual-loving relationship. • Standing whilst having sex is harmful, thus not recommended, although permissible.

23. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES • FOOD, AMPHRODISIACS & SEXUAL PERFORMANCE • FOOD WHICH INCREASE POTENCY: Sexual capacity depends upon the food one consumes, it’s quality and type. It nourishes blood and thus semen. One should always consume food which is nutritious and healthy. When one is trying to increase libido and sperm quality the importance of eating sensibly increases. • FOOD WHICH DECREASE POTENCY: Foods which are Harmful to Potency. All types of sour fruits, pickles, vinegar, red chilies, hot spices, tea & coffee. • To drink cold water or any other cold drink immediately after sex is not recommended medically as it is harmful. • Smoking, as well as having countless other harms, can also cause irreparable harm to the reproductive organs as well as sperm production and quality. • Flowers and fragrances are known to have a very positive effect on the sexual potency of both men and women. • Clothes and erotic lingerie (dresses) can be worn by the wife to arouse the husband, increase craving and intensify the foreplay. But this intimate costuming must be kept in total privacy between the husband and wife, both in action and talk. The only limitation to this is that it is compliant with the guidelines of Islam.

24. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (E) SEXUAL INTIMACY IN POLYGAMY (TA’ADDUD) • The Messenger of Allah (saw) demonstrated in detail how Polygyny should be put into practice. • In this section we present a guide for those already in plural marriages and for those who are contemplating entering such a relationship as it relates to marital intimacy. • TIME DIVISION • Equity. He should divide his time equitably among the wives. This is a prerequisite for polygamy. • فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلاَّ تَعْدِلُواْ فَوَحِدَةً • “..But if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly with them then only one”. Q4:3 - (in respect to division of time and money) • Aisha (rta) said: “Allah’s Messenger use to divide his time equally among us and would pray, ‘O Allah, this is my division in what I possess, so please do not hold me to blame for the division (affection and love) which only You control.’” Reported by Abu Dawood, At-Tirmizi, An-Nasai and in Mishkat al-Masabih. • Fairness. Even though one may naturally love one more than another, it should not be done in a way that it is noticed or lead to discord. Love is in the heart and it is not within the control of man.

25. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES SEXUAL INTIMACY IN POLYGAMY (TA’ADDUD) • وَلَن تَسْتَطِيعُواْ أَن تَعْدِلُواْ بَيْنَ النِّسَآءِ وَلَوْ حَرَصْتُمْ • “You will never be able to do perfect justice (love and sex) between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them...” Q4:129 • Time-Table: A man should not allocate time at will but should decide upon a feasible programme and follow it consistently. He is not allowed to favour some of his wives with extra time unless there is valid reason or he makes it up later for others. • Drawing Lots: In order not to be accused of bias or preferential treatment he should begin the time division by drawing lots (Qur’ah). One method is by writing numbers on the lots (slips of paper) indicating the order of the nights and put in a container. Imam ibn Kudaymah, al-Mughnee, vol.7, pp.301-302. • Preference: However, when a new wife is married, she is given a preferential period of three nights for a non-virgin (previously married) and seven nights for a virgin. (orientation/induction). At the end of this period, the cycle of division begin afresh or anew where she is also a participant in the draws.

26. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES SEXUAL INTIMACY IN POLYGAMY (TA’ADDUD) • Night should be divided: The division of ‘nights’ according to the Shariah is generally made according to the nights, thus a man married to more than one wife should divide the nights among his wives while the day is to earn his living or other lawful things. An exception may be a security person or someone on call duty in which case the night becomes his day and the day becomes his night for the period concerned. • Rotation: A man may alternate it in one night, two nights, and three nights to each of the wives. It is preferred a night each for one wife so that there wouldn’t be too much time lag. • Day time: If a man wants to rest during the day time, he should do so in the home of the wife with whom he spent the previous night. • Meals: His day time meals should be taken at the home of the wife to whom the day belongs. This is based on hadith that shows that a day is also important as Sawdah (rta), the wife of the prophet was reported to have given the whole of her day to Aishah (rta).

27. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES SEXUAL INTIMACY IN POLYGAMY (TA’ADDUD) • Menopause: Even if a woman is unable to have sex due to menopause, old age, etc, she still deserves her share of time division (companionship) unless she gives it up to others. “When the prophet’s wife, Sawdah (rta), became old, she gave up her turn to be with the prophet to Aisha. Saheeh Muslim, vol.2, no. 345. • Old Age: If a man becomes very old, ill or sick it is permissible for him to request to stay in any of the wives home. “Aisha narrated that when Allah’s messenger was ill, he called all of his wives together and said, “verily, I am no longer able to visit all of you, so, if you do not mind that I remain with Aishah, please allow me to do so.” Sunan Abi Dawood vol 2, no. 2132. • Choice: If the wives refuse to give that sick husband permission to stay with the one of his choice, he should stay with one of them by Qur’ah (by drawing of lots) or he should stay away from all of them. • Companionship: It is permissible for a man to sit and talk with a wife during her co-wife’s time (day or night) as long as the visit is brief. Anas reported: “on occasions, the Prophet used to go to all of his wives in a single night and he had nine.” Saheeh Bukhari vol.7, no. 142.

28. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES SEXUAL INTIMACY IN POLYGAMY (TA’ADDUD) • Short visits: If he had sex with her during the short visit he may not make it up. However, some scholars rule that he should exercise self restraint and limit himself to sex with the wife whose turn it is in order to avoid jealousy or favoritism and preserve the family stability. • Multiple Homes: If wives are in different countries or cities by the husband’s choice, he is required to be equal in the division of his time between them because he has chosen the separation. He can do this by traveling to them or the wives coming to him. If the wife refuses to come and she is able to do so, then her right of equal division is lost. But if the man is unable, due to reasonable shariah excuse, economic limitation, consideration of work etc, he must seek for the wives understanding and permission for the period. • Traveling by wife’s choice: If a wife travels to fulfill a personal desire such as work, trade, education, visiting relatives or for religious reasons and so on, her right for equal division of time is dropped. However, if he sent her on an errand, her right of division of time remains intact.

29. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES SEXUAL INTIMACY IN POLYGAMY (TA’ADDUD) • Utilities: It is best to have separate apartments for the wives which includes kitchen, bathroom and other facilities. However, if they agree to use common facilities it is okay. • Traveling by Husband’s choice: If a husband wishes to travel he has to draw lots among the wives. • Open cohabitation: It is not lawful for the husband to have sexual intercourse with one of the wife in the presence or sight of another. • Love and Affection: Open affection and love on the husband’s part must be balanced. • Husband’s Apartment: It is allowable and permissible for the husband to have separate living apartment for himself and have each wife visit is room or apartment during her respective night, day or turn. • Houses or apartments: may vary in size, according to the size of the family (children) of the wives but not in quality. (Tv, fridge, freezer, beddings, etc)

30. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSEPCTIVES SEXUAL INTIMACY IN POLYGAMY (TA’ADDUD) • Goodwill: To have goodwill and to overlook the mistakes of one another is required to make marital intimacy in plural marriage workable. • Reality: A woman in a plural marriage must honestly realize that her husband is not hers alone and will never be hers alone. She should rise above the natural desire to possess him at all cost by herself. • The man should carefully and sincerely adhere to the Qur’an and the sunnah in order to lessen doubt, suspicion or ill-feelings on the part of his wives – This will guarantee him success in this world and in the Hereafter.

31. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (F) SEXUAL PROBLEMS & MARITAL CHALLENGES EARLY DISCHARGE (PREMATURE EJACULATION)

32. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (F) SEXUAL PROBLEMS & MARITAL CHALLENGES LOW LIBIDO

33. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (F) SEXUAL PROBLEMS & MARITAL CHALLENGES ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

34. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (F) SEXUAL PROBLEMS & MARITAL CHALLENGES ANORGASMIA

35. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (F) SEXUAL PROBLEMS & MARITAL CHALLENGES DYSPAREUNIA

36. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (F) SEXUAL PROBLEMS & MARITAL CHALLENGES VAGINAL INFLAMATION

37. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (F) SEXUAL PROBLEMS & MARITAL CHALLENGES THRUSH

38. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY: ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (G) ENEMY OF MARITAL INTIMACY • ZINA • This is voluntary and deliberate performance of unlawful sexual intercourse with other than one’s spouse. • The act of zina is considered complete with full insertion of a male's organ inside a female’s vagina. • It is called adultery when it occurs with married people and fornication for unmarried individuals. • This is the main enemy of marriage. • It is one of the worst and most disgraceful sins. • It brings about countless diseases and causes damage to family, lineage and morality. • PENALTY • Fornicator receives 100 lashes or strokes and exile of 1 year for the male. • الزَّانِيَةُ وَالزَّانِى فَاجْلِدُواْ كُلَّ وَاحِدٍ مِّنْهُمَا مِاْئَةَ جَلْدَةٍ • The Zaniyah and the Zani, flog each of them with a hundred stripes • “The woman found guilty of zina, flog each one of them with 100 lashes...” Q24:2; • “A virgin committing zina with a virgin: one hundred lashes (for each) and exiling of 1 year (for the man). And a married committing zina with a married: 100 lashes and stoning.” Muslim.

39. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (G) ENEMY OF MARITAL INTIMACY • Part of Allah’s punishment in this life for those who commit zina is numerous sexually transmitted diseases to which they are subjected. • Such as, gonorrhea, syphilis, hepatitis, candidiasis, warts, trichomoniasis, prostatitis, HIV - AIDS • They are also subjected to severe punishment in the grave and in the hereafter. • PROTECTION AGAINST ZINA • Remembering Allah by heart and tongue • Taqwa • Prayer • Fasting • Supplication • Staying in the company of the righteous • Engage one’s time in useful activities • Avoid all preliminaries that could lead to zina (touching, looking, khulwah) • Marriage • Remembering the punishment of zina • Lowering the gaze

40. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (H) SUMMARY & CONCLUSION • Love, Sex and Intimacy are integral part of Islam. • Love is an inherent quality in all of us. It is part of our natural instinct. We want to love and want to be loved, adored and appreciated by others. • Nobody wants to live in a loveless marriage. It is totally, un-natural. • Husbands who are not shown enough love and affection from their wives at home often engage in extra-marital love affairs with co-workers, secretaries, customers etc. • Women who are not shown enough love by their husbands may also end up seeking it from other sources that are haram, like drivers, messengers, neighbours and strangers. • To spice up your marriage, as a woman, you must love and respect your husband; you must also practice different ways of maintaining your husband; looking neat and presentable; participating in activities that he likes, engage in recreation activities with him, respect his family, keep distress and anger away from him, etc.

41. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (H) SUMMARY & CONCLUSION • A husband may loose affection for his wife as a result of boredom, excessive jealousy, disobedience on the part of the wife. • A husband should be just and fair to his wife; shower love and praises for every effort; treat her with patience, softness, kindness and forgiveness. • Explore the power of communication, spice her/him up with sweet words, ‘honey’, ‘habeebee’ sweetie, etc • Sex is a satisfaction and fulfillment. Human beings have responded to the demands of the sexual appetite in three different ways: Free and un-restricted satisfaction (promiscuity); Suppressing the desire un-naturally (celibacy) and by guided regulation (marriage). • Acts of Intimacy varies: some are approved, allowed and permissible. Others are unlawful hence disapproved. Still, others are disliked or not encouraged because of some hidden harm in them. • Food and clothing are some of the things that could make sex appealing. However, they should be used within the confines of our religion. • Husbands and wives should intensify foreplay as it helps resolve some marital challenges as well as helping either party to achieve orgasm.

42. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY: ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (H) SUMMARY & CONCLUSION • A woman in a plural marriage must honestly realize that her husband is not hers alone and will never be hers alone. She should rise above the natural desire to possess him at all cost by herself. • The man should be fair, honest and must carefully and sincerely adhere to the Qur’an and the sunnah in order to lessen doubt, suspicion or ill-feelings on the part of his wives – This will guarantee him success in this world and in the Hereafter. • Allah (swa) has placed within us the instinct of being attracted to the opposite sex. i.e, men being attracted to women and women being attracted to men. This has lead to many temptations and trials. • One great temptation is zina. Families and societies are still suffering from the evils associated with it. • This lecture as part of its limitations, did not elaborate on sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) which InshAllah will be discoursed at the appropriated time in the course of this quarter. • Every Muslim should try and save himself and his family from the evils of zina and its bye-products. • Lower your gaze so that you do not fall into temptation. Avoid being in Khulwah with a woman that is not your wife, live with the fear of Allah in the open and in the secret.

43. ACHIEVING MARITAL INTIMACY:ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES (H) SUMMARY & CONCLUSION • Joining together of the husband and wife in marriage is the simple path, but the hard path is staying married or maintaining it! • May Allah (swa) protect our marriages. • May we all enjoy the fruits of our patience (Ameen). • رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَاماً • "Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of those who have Taqwa.''Q25:74