How to Live with an Adolescent

How to Live with an Adolescent Parenting Workshop #2 League Academy of Communication Arts Merry L. Cox, Principal

The Roller-Coaster Years: Raising Your Child Through the Maddening Yet Magical Middle School Years by Charlene C. Giannetti, Margaret Sagarese

Getting a View from the Ferris Wheel Imagine for a moment what life is like for children ages 10-15 today… “The biggest challenge in dealing with this age group is their roller-coaster emotions.” (Middle School teacher from Washington)

Adolescents today… • Yearn for independence, yet are still being told what to do • Eager to voice opinions but have trouble forming coherent arguments • Worry about their appearance just when nature is wreaking havoc on their bodies • Worry about their school work just when it increases in workload and responsibilities • Maintain a hectic schedule with school, sports, and extracurricular activities, when their bodies need more sleep

Parents, Don’t Be Fooled Do you feel your adolescent child… • Needs parents less than younger children? • Needs to be left alone to become independent? • Cares more about what their peers think than parents? • Does not want you in their personal lives?

Young Adolescents need Parents More not Less Parents, when your child says, “Leave me alone,” take another look… What your child may be trying to say is, “I want more privacy than you are giving me now. But don’t go too far. I might need you later.”

Strategies:Discover Your Past as “Middlers” • Find a photo of yourself when you were this age • Call your parents or siblings. Recall with them what it was like during this age. • Play some music or songs popular when you were a Middler. • Find your report card from this time period.

Are You Spending Enough Time with Your Middler? According to a 1995 New York Times Poll: • 93% of 9-12 year olds consider being a part of a loving family more important than owning material things • 88% credit family as their greatest source of self-esteem • 72% wanted to talk more to their parents about schoolwork

Middlers are Funny… “My son or daughter fun? Are we talking about the same kid?” Middlers are really three children- • The one who behaves as your child • The one who shares with other adults things they won’t share with you • The one who hangs out with other kids

Playing Mind-Reader Skillmasters • Begin to build and exploit their own unique abilities – coming into their own • Look for opportunities to relish in their accomplishments • This self-discovery may sometimes resemble arrogance, indifference and anger if they fall short of goals

Playing Mind-Reader Great Thinkers • Begin to develop sophisticated reasoning • Looking for deeper meanings • Applies new intellect into problem solving • Still may need some help in formulating his arguments, making decisions

Playing Mind-Reader Attention-Seekers • Still need and want approval of parents and other adults • Desperately seeking adult compliments, smiles, kind words, and respect • Don’t want parents to fix their hair and clothes in public

Playing Mind-Reader Activists • Resemble the freshman congresspeople who come into Washington in a storm following elections to change the world.

Playing Mind-Reader Idealists • Develop their own sense of values. • Will catch adults saying one thing and doing another – Gotcha!

Playing Mind-Reader Social Workers • Sympathetic and with guidance, begin to see and meet the needs of others • Sweet and giving nature that comes out in unexpected ways

Playing Mind-Reader Innocents Still look at the world in wide-eyed wonder • Caught between childhood and adulthood • Try to make sophisticated arguments often with incorrect facts or use words in the wrong context

Playing Mind-Reader Comedians Begin to develop a sophisticated sense of humor • Moves past bathroom humor to more sophisticated humor that reflects increased vocabulary • Humor can backfire – still trying to figure out the difference between satire and sarcasm • Can be too blunt, though not intending to be rude

Suggestions for living with a developing Middler… Leave them in charge Encourage their enthusiasm Assist them in finding ways to help others Feed their intellectual growth Build a bridge from home to school Ease the transition from childhood to adulthood Teach correct social behavior

Develop the Art of Adolescent Affection Find a moment each day to show your middle school child how much you love them. • Write notes • Leave voice mail • Tell them when you see them • Give hugs, especially after you have punished them

House of MirrorsAm I Normal? • When Middlers look in the mirror, they see distorted images • Supersensitive about their bodies • Increased weight 20-30 pounds-10 pounds a year • All parts of the body don’t grow at the same time or rate • Feel as though they have been invaded by a body snatcher • There is NO Normal!

Haunted House Coping is a challenge for all of us • Four traits of happy people • Like themselves • Sense of personal control over their lives • Optimistic • Extroverts • Middlers are manic depressive en masse • up one minute and down the next

Haunted House Classic Worries of Middlers • Social anxiety • A parent dying • Divorce • School • Bodily injury • The future • Gender woes • Racial inequality

Haunted House Warning signs • Inability to sleep or too much sleep • No interest in friends, school, activities • Marked changes • Risky behavior business • Rebellion directed toward parents or teachers • Death or suicide themes

Haunted House What to do? Unconditional love. • Help them like themselves more • Nurture them towards positive self-determination • Teach your Middler how to acquire control over life – be a stress busting example • Steer them towards rewarding relationships • Turn your pessimist into an optimist

Haunted House Help them manage worry • 98% of worry is wasted • 40% of worry time focuses on things that never happened • 15% of fretting wasted on things that turn out better than they expected • 35% lost on things that can’t be changed • 80% revolves around petty insignificant items

Haunted House What can we do? • Enlighten your worrywart • Burst some worry balloons • Help them determine whether the worry is within or beyond control • Let worry be a call to action or otherwise turn it off

Escape Artist Battle for Independence • Issue is control-YOU have it THEY want it! • It’s not FAIR! Nobody listens to us! • World is overrun with rules, regulations, and restrictions

Escape Artist Incorporate the three R’s: Reward, Recognize, and be Rational • Reward good behavior • Recognize which discipline efforts work most effectively • Consistent-Punish each time • Appropriate-Let the punishment fit the crime • Results-Make it results oriented • Each- They are individuals • Swift- Don’t put off the punishment until later • Rational – Time yourself out when you are losing it.

Escape Artist Battle Zones • Everyone’s doing it or going there • The messy room • Mouthing off • Privacy • School and schoolwork • The look

Escape Artist As you encounter the battle campaigns of the Middlers, make sure you don’t win the short term battles and lose the war by forfeiting their affections. It is not easy being a parent.

Three Ring Circus Why is your Middler Distracted, Disorganized, and Disinterested? Distraction – Concentration on tasks for a length of time is difficult Research shows that between the ages of 12-14 a child’s ability to learn slacks off when demands in classes may be increasing.

Three Ring Circus What should I expect? • A temporary lag in homework or disappointing grade here and there is to be expected during this time • If you see dramatic changes in performance and it continues to slide then you may have a red flag indicating a problems

Three Ring Circus Do you find your Middler to be Disorganized? • Constantly forgets things • Messy room • Constantly loses things • Underestimates the amount of time to complete a task • Does homework but fails to turn it in • Seems oblivious of time

Three Ring Circus What can I do to help with Disorganization? • Arrange a good place to work • Use the Agenda • Make lists • Use visual and verbal reminders • Use an oven timer • Break up large tasks into smaller ones • Back up written assignments if they are often lost • Clean out the backpack weekly • Set a good example • Prepare the night before

Three Ring Circus Disinterested – Interests shift during this age • Privacy becomes important • They want and need time alone

Three Ring Circus Master “Middler-Speak” • “Fine” • “Nothing” • “I don’t know” Stop-Look-Listen – approach to communication

Three Ring Circus Three Rules for 3-D Middlers • Don’t retreat • Control your reactions • Be an advocate

Ringing the BellHelping your Middler succeed in school “A good parent’s involvement is always welcomed when it leads to a partnership among parent, child, and teacher.” (Middle school teacher)

Ringing the Bell Grades alone do not define a successful adolescent • Brains grow at different rates • Doing well in school may be eclipsed by popularity • Discover the opposite sex • Complicated times to grow up

Ringing the Bell How can I help my Middler succeed in school? • Stay informed • Prepare your child for learning • Maintain high expectations • Nurture your learner • Make learning a multimedia experience • Keep criticism of teachers and school to a minimum

Ringing the Bell Parents should be seen and not heard (at least in a Middler’s presence) • Cheerleader • Chauffeur • Chaperone • Committee Member • Resource • Volunteer • Club sponsor or assistant

Ringing the Bell Stay informed and help keep us informed! • School newsletter • Electronic Weekly News • PTA and SICA • Agenda • School Calendar • E-mail and phone calls

Thank you! Next Parent Workshop Date – March 26th Noon and 6:30

How to Live with an Adolescent