Fostering your children’s emotional, cognitive and academic growth

1. Fostering your children’s emotional, cognitive and academic growth Dr. David W. Rynard. C.Psych. Psychologist

2. Multiple Intelligences Cognitive Emotional How an individual perceives, interacts and deals with their emotional life on a number of different levels. Is something that you can work on and get better at. Can be more predictive of personal happiness and vocational success than Cognitive. Often used in industrial and positive psychology. • what we usually think of in terms of how smart or intelligence someone is. • Usually felt to be mostly innate. • Describes the strengths and weakness an individual might have with respect to various aptitudes or abilities. • Used to determine aptitude and in the diagnosis of learning disorders

3. Cognitive Intelligence • Most often linked to what we normally think of as IQ. • The IQ = Intelligence Quotient • Tells us where an individual scores in comparison to their peers or individuals their age. • Is composed of broad and narrow abilities. • Tells us about various strengths and weaknesses that an individual might have and what types of special supports they may require in school

4. Cognitive Intelligence continued… Types of Broad Abilities: • Verbal Comprehension / Knowledge • Visual Perceptual Processing • Fluid Reasoning • Auditory Processing • Cognitive Efficiency – working memory and processing speed • Memory

5. Cognitive Intelligence continued… Skills they are linked to… • Verbal Comprehension / Knowledge – language arts, expression, reading comprehension and vocabulary • Visual Perceptual Processing – visual art, physical education, technology studies, math (geometry) • Fluid Reasoning – problem solving in mathematics and all other subjects, reading comprehension, science

6. Cognitive Intelligence continued… Skills they are linked to… • Auditory Processing – basic skills in reading, decoding, spelling • Cognitive Efficiency – attention, focus, organization, planning, academic speed, etc. • General Memory – Everything that involves learning and retrieving knowledge and facts

7. Learning Differences • Children who have gaps or specific weaknesses in any of the above areas may have learning challenges • Some of these children will have learning disabilities that can affect: • The acquisition and use of basic academic skills in Reading, Writing, Math • Problem Solving • Organization, Planning, Attention, Focus • Behaviour • Social Skills • Self-Esteem

8. Emotional Intelligence • EQ is a psychological construct that is part of positive psychology studying core emotional factors that are associated with success in many domains of life (e.g. relationships, work, school, etc.). • EQ is something that can be learned/enhanced/taught/nurtured.

9. What is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Components of EQ: • Intrapersonal: Self-Regard, Emotional Self-Awareness, Independence, Self-Actualization • Interpersonal: Empathy, Social Responsibility, Interpersonal Relationships • Stress Management: Stress Tolerance, Impulse Control • Adaptability: Reality Testing, Flexibility, Problem Solving • General Mood: Optimism, Happiness • There is Hope – unlike Cognitive IQ, research has demonstrated that EQ traits are not static or unchangeable, but can be improved upon with attention, intervention and support. 

10. Using EQ and IQ to Enhance RESILIENCY • Resiliency is the ability to overcome challenges of all kinds–trauma, tragedy, personal crises, plain 'ole' life problems–and bounce back stronger, wiser, and more personally powerful. It's important because this is what we need to do when faced with life's inevitable difficulties. • A Psychological Buffer, an asset that instils hope, positivity and faith in the face of life’s challenges.

11. RESILIENCY • A core psychological competency that can be taught and developed. • Endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics as a very important part of parenting and education. • Developed by Rick Little and his colleagues at the International Youth Foundation

12. The 7 Cs: The Essential Building Blocks of Resilience (Dr. Kenneth Ginsberg) “Young people live up or down to expectations we set for them. They need adults who believe in them unconditionally and hold them to the high expectations of being compassionate, generous, and creative. “ Competence: When we notice what young people are doing right and give them opportunities to develop important skills, they feel competent. We undermine competence when we don't allow young people to recover themselves after a fall. Confidence: Young people need confidence to be able to navigate the world, think outside the box, and recover from challenges.

13. Connection: Connections with other people, schools, and communities offer young people the security that allows them to stand on their own and develop creative solutions. Character: Young people need a clear sense of right and wrong and a commitment to integrity. Contribution: Young people who contribute to the well‐being of others will receive gratitude rather than condemnation. They will learn that contributing feels good, and may therefore more easily turn to others, and do so without shame. Coping: Young people who possess a variety of healthy coping strategies will be less likely to turn to dangerous quick‐fixes when stressed. Control: Young people who understand privileges and respect are earned through demonstrated responsibility will learn to make wise choices and feel a sense of control.

14. Competence Competence describes the feeling of knowing that you can handle a situation effectively. We can help the development of competence by: • Helping children focus on individual strengths • Focusing any identified mistakes on specific incidents • Empowering children to make decisions • Being careful that your desire to protect your child doesn’t mistakenly send a message that you don’t think he or she is competent to handle things • Recognizing the competencies of siblings individually and avoiding comparisons

15. Competence • Do I help my child focus on his/her strengths and build on them? • Do I notice what he/she does well or do I focus on his mistakes? • When I need to point out a mistake, am I clear and focused or do I communicate that I believe he/she always messes up? • Do I help him/her recognize what he/she has going for him/herself? • Am I helping him/her build the educational, social, and stress‐reduction skills necessary to make him/her competent in the real world? 

16. Competence • Do I communicate in a way that empowers my child to make his own decisions or do I undermine his sense of competence by giving him/her information in ways he/she can’t grasp? In other words, do I lecture him/her or do I facilitate his thinking? • Do I let him/her make safe mistakes so he/she has the opportunity to right or do I try to protect him/her from every trip and fall? • As I try to protect him/her, does my interference mistakenly send the message, “I don’t think you can handle this?” • If I have more than one child, do I recognize the competencies of each without comparison to siblings?

17. Confidence • A child’s belief in his own abilities is derived from competence. • Focusing on the best in each child so that he or she can see that, as well • Clearly expressing the best qualities, such as fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness • Recognizing when he or she has done well • Praising honestly about specific achievements; not diffusing praise that may lack authenticity • Not pushing the child to take on more than he or she can realistically handle

18. Confidence • Do I see the best in my child so that he/she can see the best in him/herself? • Do I clearly express that I expect the best qualities (not achievements, but personal qualities such as fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness) in him/her? • Do I help him recognize what he/she has done right or well? • Do I treat him/her as an incapable child or as a youngster who is learning to navigate his world? • Do I praise him/her often enough? Do I praise him/her honestly about specific achievements or do I give such diffuse praise that it doesn’t seem authentic?

19. Confidence • Do I catch him/her being good when he is generous, helpful, and kind or when he/she does something without being asked or cajoled? • Do I encourage him/her to strive just a little bit farther because I believe he/she can succeed? • Do I hold realistically high expectations? • Do I unintentionally push him/her to take on more than he/she can realistically handle, causing him/her to stumble and lose confidence? • When I need to criticize or correct him/her, do I focus only on what he or she is doing wrong or do I remind him/her that he is capable of doing well? • Do I avoid instilling shame in my child?

20. Connection • Developing close ties to family and community creates a solid sense of security that helps lead to strong values and prevents alternative destructive paths to love and attention. • Building a sense of physical safety and emotional security within your home • Allowing the expression of all emotions, so that kids will feel comfortable reaching out during difficult times • Addressing conflict openly in the family to resolve problems • Creating a common area where the family can share time (not necessarily TV time) • Fostering healthy relationships that will reinforce positive messages

21. Connection • Do we build a sense of physical safety and emotional security within our home? • Does my child know that I am absolutely crazy in love with him? • Do I understand that the challenges my child will put me through on his path towards independence are normal developmental phases or will I take them so personally that our relationship will be harmed? • Do I allow my child to have and express all types of emotions or do I suppress unpleasant feelings? Is he learning that going to other people for emotional support during difficult times is productive or shameful? • Do we do everything to address conflict within our family and work to resolve problems rather than let them fester?

22. Connection • Do we have a television and entertainment center in almost every room or do we create a common space where our family shares time together? • Do I encourage my child to take pride in the various ethnic, religious, or cultural groups to which we belong? • Do I jealously guard my child from developing close relationships with others or do I foster healthy relationships that I know will reinforce my positive messages? • Do I protect my friends' and neighbors’ children, just as I hope they will protect mine?

23. Character • Children need to develop a solid set of morals and values to determine right from wrong and to demonstrate a caring attitude toward others. To strengthen your child’s character, start by: • Demonstrating how behaviors affect others • Helping your child recognize himself or herself as a caring person • Demonstrating the importance of community • Encouraging the development of spirituality • Avoiding racist or hateful statements or stereotypes

24. Character • Do I help my child understand how his behaviors affect other people in good and bad ways? • Am I helping my child recognize himself as a caring person?  Do I allow him to clarify his own values? • Do I allow him to consider right versus wrong and look beyond immediate satisfaction or selfish needs? • Do I value him so clearly that I model the importance of caring for others?

25. Character • Do I demonstrate the importance of community? • Do I help him develop a sense of spirituality? • Am I careful to avoid racist, ethnic, or hateful statements or stereotypes? Am I clear how I regard these thoughts and statements whenever and wherever my child is exposed to them? • Do I express how I think of others’ needs when I make decisions or take actions?

26. Contribution • Children need to realize that the world is a better place because they are in it. Understanding the importance of personal contribution can serve as a source of purpose and motivation. Teach your children how to contribute by: • Communicating to children that many people in the world do not have what they need • Stressing the importance of serving others by modeling generosity • Creating opportunities for each child to contribute in some specific way

27. Contribution • Do I communicate to my child (at appropriate age levels, of course) that many people in the world do not have as much human contact, money, freedom, and security as they need? • Do I teach the important value of serving others? Do I model generosity with my time and money? • Do I make clear to my child that I believe he can improve the world? • Do I create opportunities for each child to contribute in some specific way? • Do I search my child’s circle for other adults who might serve as role models who contribute to their communities and the world? Do I use these adults as examples to encourage my child to be the best he can be?

28. Coping • Learning to cope effectively with stress will help your child be better prepared to overcome life’s challenges. • Modeling positive coping strategies on a consistent basis • Guiding your child to develop positive and effective coping strategies • Realizing that telling him or her to stop the negative behavior will not be effective • Understanding that many risky behaviors are attempts to alleviate the stress and pain in kids’ daily lives • Not condemning your child for negative behaviors and, potentially, increasing his or her sense of shame

29. Coping • Do I help him understand the difference between a real crisis and something that just feels like an emergency? • Do I model positive coping strategies on a consistent basis? • Do I allow my child enough time to use imaginative play? Do I recognize that fantasy and play are childhood’s tools to solve problems? • Do I guide my child to develop positive, effective coping strategies? • Do I believe that telling him to “just stop” the negative behaviors will do any good?

30. Coping • Do I recognize that for many young people, risk behaviors are attempts to alleviate their stress and pain? • If my child participates in negative behaviors, do I condemn him for it? Do I recognize that I may only increase his sense of shame and therefore drive him toward more negativity? • Do I model problem‐solving step by step or do I just react emotionally when I’m overwhelmed? • Do I model the response that sometimes the best thing to do is conserve energy and let go of the belief that I can tackle all problems? • Do I model the importance of caring for our bodies through exercise, good nutrition, and adequate sleep? Do I model relaxation techniques?

31. Control • Children who realize that they can control the outcomes of their decisions are more likely to realize that they have the ability to bounce back. Your child’s understanding that he or she can make a difference further promotes competence and confidence. You can try to empower your child by: • Helping your child to understand that life’s events are not purely random and that most things that happen are the result of another individual’s choices and actions • Learning that discipline is about teaching, not punishing or controlling; using discipline to help your child to understand that his actions produce certain consequences

32. Control • Do I help my child understand that life’s events are not purely random and most things happen as a direct result of someone’s actions and choices? • On the other hand, do I help my child understand that he/she isn’t responsible for many of the bad circumstances in his/her life (such as parents’ separation or divorce)? • Do I help him/her think about the future, but take it one step at a time? • Do I help him/her recognize even his/her small successes so he/she can experience the knowledge that he/she can succeed?

33. Control • Do I help him/her understand that no one can control all circumstances, but everyone can shift the odds by choosing positive or protective behaviors? • Do I understand that discipline is about teaching, not punishing or controlling? • Do I use discipline as a means to help my child understand that his/her actions produce certain consequences? • Do I reward demonstrated responsibility with increased privileges?

34. “Children need to know that there is an adult in their life who believes in them and loves them unconditionally.” • Kids will live “up” or “down” to our expectations.

35. Summary and Take Away • Each person is an individual with personal strengths and weaknesses • Emotional intelligence is just as important as Cognitive Intelligence • It is important to help our children discover their own unique learning style and help them to capitalize on their strengths • We need to help our children understand that there individual learning weaknesses are not character flaws • Use the 7 C’s to help strengthen and build resiliency, confidence and hope

36. Resources • Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goldman • The EQ Edge by Steven Stein and Howard Book • Smart but Scattered by Peg Dawson and Richard Guare • A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Given your child roots and wings by Kenneth Ginsberg • The American Academy of Pediatrics – www.aap.org • The American Psychological Association www.apa.org • Fostering Resilience – www.fosteringresilience.com • The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health www.camh.ca/en/education