Staying Sane with Aging Parents

1. Staying Sane with Aging Parents - The Rookie Retiree Having a parent or two when one retires can certainly be a blessing. However, all emotions on this subject, both positive and negative, might have a direct connection to one’s “happy home” in childhood, and the quality of those relationships at the time. I have recently concluded a journey, metaphorically, with both of my parents, who passed on at the ages of 94 and 96, respectively. There are many important lessons to be learned from this role as “geriatric supervisor” for which I never consciously volunteered. Surprisingly, my father was an executive in a national nursing home chain. One would have thought that he would have made all the plans, in advance, as needed. My first major blunder was to rely on that theory. By way of illustration, because of ongoing and predictable declining health, my mother was taken suddenly from their condo by ambulance to the hospital, and both parents had to move into a continuing care facility quickly without any prior planning. They lived in an independent living apartment for a brief time, but then eventually both became next door neighbors in the medical facility until their deaths.

2. My unexpected responsibilities included two major and two minor moves of all household possessions, a minimum of a dozen trips to the ER, taking over responsibility for finances and medical care, the creation of new wills, the hiring of an Eldercare attorney, application for Medicaid, and final disbursement of inheritances to grandchildren. Elder Care in other Countries There is some truth to the cultural lore, that children in Asian countries take in their elderly parents, unlike us selfish Americans. Unfortunately, recent data is changing concerning those long-standing practices. Currently, only 40% of children in China have aging family members living in their households. India has a law, The Indian Maintenance and Welfare of Parents and Senior Citizens Act, for which noncompliance fines are imposed. Still, home-based eldercare is still not as widespread as it used to be. Part of the difficulty in the United States is that we have a jury-rigged system of isolated caregivers with limited resources. The Emotional Burden of Care giving in the US The most obvious fallout from our American “non-system,” is the huge emotional burden for caregivers. These feelings are intense and complex. They involve unresolved issues from childhood and adolescence, as well as the competing twin feelings of desire for closeness and inevitable conflict.

3. There is a constant tug of war between caregiving and self-preservation, which generates fear and guilt. Most of all, there is an unexpected and time-consuming role reversal for which we are not prepared. The Roots of Complex Emotions To understand the complex feelings of adult children, we need to go back to our own origins, and to the scientific theories of Imprinting and Attachment Theory. If your Psychology 1 memory serves you, you will somehow associate the concept of imprinting with ducks. Ducklings are experts at following their elders and imitating their behaviors. This “filial imprinting” has a chemical component, which is needed for survival in the wild. Human infants also replicate this type of behavior with their caretakers, and this strong identification develops the concept of trust. It also sets up a number of behavioral and language traits related to survival and bonding. Now you know why you have a strong need to take care of your aging parents and not leave them on an ice flow. Understanding imprinting is only the beginning of the process of unpacking your strong feelings. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth have a lot to say on this matter in their lifelong work on Attachment Theory.

4. In a nutshell, the way parents respond to their human offspring has a huge effect on later behavior, and consequently on how adult children will feel about the caretaking role of their aging parents. If everything goes well, the parents notice their young children’s needs in the world and respond promptly to them. If this happens, and it does for 55% of us, a child will grow up to have a strong sense of self and be responsive to others. This is called "secure attachment." But there is another 45% of us who were not so lucky. Those folks might have had parents who were anxious and preoccupied, dismissive, fearful and/or avoidant of their responsibilities. If you were in that second group, elder caretaking will be especially challenging. Elderly Parents do not get a Free Pass Judith Warren from Texas A&M University has pulled together a brilliant treatise on this subject in the Texas Agriculture Extension Series entitled Building PositiveRelationships: Adult Children and Aging Parents Series (2016). Surprisingly, she actually includes responsibilities for aging parents. This publication does, however, lay out the culprits of old age which can make us more compassionate towards our parents who code. Our parents are experiencing ongoing losses in the areas of health, financial security, friends, spouses and societal roles. This is not a happy time. The intersection of our hardwiring from childhood with these burdens promote the inevitable conflicts, as do different values, poor communication, and a lack of sensitivity on either side. might not be behaving up to Source: https://www.therookieretiree.com/blog/staying-sane-with-aging-parents Contact us Phone:2152062018/4847708388 Email:Reneelangmuir@gmail.com Site: https://www.therookieretiree.com/