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Chapter 7

Chapter 7. Love and Intimacy. Chapter 7 Outline. What is Love? Love in Other Times and Places The Forms and Measures of Love Romantic versus Companionate Love The Colors of Love: John Alan Lee Love Triangles: Robert Sternberg Can We Measure Love?. Chapter 7 Outline (Cont.).

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Chapter 7

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  1. Chapter 7 Love and Intimacy

  2. Chapter 7 Outline • What is Love? • Love in Other Times and Places • The Forms and Measures of Love • Romantic versus Companionate Love • The Colors of Love: John Alan Lee • Love Triangles: Robert Sternberg • Can We Measure Love?

  3. Chapter 7 Outline (Cont.) • The Origins of Love • Behavioral Reinforcement Theories • Cognitive Theories • Evolutionary Theory • Physiological Arousal Theory • Other Biological Factors

  4. Chapter 7 Outline (Cont.) • Love from Childhood to Maturity • Childhood • Adolescence • Adult Love and Intimacy • Attraction • Attraction in Different Cultures • Intimate Relationships • Long-Term Love and Commitment • Loss of Love

  5. Chapter 7 Outline (Cont.) • Love, Sex, and How We Build Intimate Relationships • Love and Sex • Developing Intimacy Skills • The Dark Side of Love

  6. What is Love? • One of the great mysteries of humankind • The mystery of love is part of its attraction

  7. When people love each other they experience less stress in their lives, stronger immune systems, and better overall health.

  8. Love in Other Times and Places • Most of western history is filled with marriage for economic reasons • 19th century brought the idea that romantic love was the most wanted form of a love relationship • Unrequited love – loving those one can not have

  9. The Forms and Measures of Love • Romantic love – passionate love that includes sexual desire, physical attraction, and elation • We tend to idealize our romantic partner • Companionate love (conjugal love) – deep affection, attachment, intimacy, trust, loyalty • Colors of Love (Lee) • Love Triangles (Sternberg) • Can We Measure Love?

  10. Companionate love involves deep affection, trust, loyalty, attachment, and intimacy; although passion is often present, companionate love lacks the high and low swings of romantic love.

  11. Colors of Love (Lee, 1974, 1998) • Based on research • Six basic ways (“colors”) to love • Love styles are independent • Lovers with compatible love styles will be happier with each other than incompatible styles

  12. Colors of Love (Lee, 1974, 1998) (Cont.) • Manic and ludic – poorer psychological health • Storge and eros – higher psychological health • Men – more socially acceptable to have eros or ludus styles; less to have agape; more likely to have ludic style • Women – more socially acceptable to have agape; less to have ludus; more likely to have pragmatic style

  13. Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999) • Love is three elements that can be combined to produce 7 different types of love • Three basic elements: • Passion – sexual desire and physical attraction; part of romantic love • Intimacy – connection and feelings of closeness; an emotional investment • Commitment – to love in the short term; to maintain that love in the long term

  14. Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999) (Cont.) • Love changes as we mature • Different forms of love may be experienced within the same couple throughout time

  15. Can We Measure Love? • Scales have been developed to measure love • Measure something strongly associated with love • Attachment (Rubin, 1970, 1973) • Measure aspects of relationships • Relationship Rating Scale • Passionate Love Scale • Most scales measure romantic, not companionate, love

  16. The Origins of Love • Behavioral Reinforcement Theories • Cognitive Theories • Evolutionary Theory • Physiological Arousal Theory • Other Biological Factors

  17. The behavioral reinforcement theory suggests that we love people we associate with feeling good. Our love for them grows out of doing things together that are mutually reinforcing.

  18. Behavioral Reinforcement Theories • We love because another person reinforces positive feelings in ourselves • Positive/rewarding feeling in the presence of another makes us like them, even if the reward is unrelated to that person • Love is a result of many mutually reinforcing activities with a person

  19. Cognitive Theories • A behavior occurs, and then we interpret it as love • If we think someone likes us, we are more prone to find them attractive

  20. Evolutionary Theory • Humans have 3 basic instincts: • Need for protection • Parent protects the child • Sexual drive • We love in order to produce offspring • Heterosexual men want healthy women to carry offspring • Heterosexual women want men with resources to care for her and the offspring

  21. Physiological Arousal Theory • Physiological arousal is labeled with an emotion, such as love • We are more likely to experience love when we are physiologically aroused for any reason • Couples who met during a crisis more likely to feel strongly about one another • Arousal is a necessary component of love, but love is more than arousal alone

  22. Other Biological Factors • Pheremones – odorless chemicals processed by brain influence choice of sexual partner; homosexual men respond to pheremones similarly to heterosexual women • More likely to be attracted to someone with histocompatibility (MHC) different from our own • Neurotransmitters create cravings to be with a particular partner

  23. Love from Childhood to Maturity • Love becomes more complex as we age • Childhood • Adolescence • Adult Love and Intimacy

  24. Childhood • Attachment to the caregiver can affect attachment throughout life • May be harder to be intimate with another as an adult if it was not experienced as a child • Three attachment types: • Secure – accepts caregiver leaving • Anxious/ambivalent – panic if left alone • Avoidant – caregiver forces parting early

  25. Childhood (Cont.) • Childhood attachment styles may influence type of intimate relationships we form as adults • Children with divorced parents decreased well being after parent’s divorce; less trust of partners; more likely to experience a divorce in own lives

  26. A strong and secure bond with a caregiver can have profound effects on the ability of the person to form attachments throughout life.

  27. Adolescence • Time to learn how to love, manage emotions • Creates a foundation for adult relationships • Role repertoire – varied ways to relate with others • Intimacy repertoire – collection of behaviors used to create intimate relationships in life • Usually begin with an unattainable crush; romantic love more likely if parents’ relationship is stable, at ease with own body

  28. Young love lays the groundwork for adult intimacy.

  29. Adult Love and Intimacy • Field of Eligibles • Proximity – people you know or see often • Similarity – background, values, attitudes • Physical Attraction – “matching hypothesis” • Personality – openness, sociability, humor • Economic Resources – especially in men • Mutual Attraction and Love • Ideal qualities are consistent across gender, culture, and sexual orientation

  30. Attraction in Different Cultures • Study comparing 37 cultures (Buss, 1989) • Men valued “good looks” in their partner • Women valued “good financial prospect” in their partner • Men preferred younger partners • Women preferred older partners

  31. This young girl is from a Longneck tribe in Mae Hong Son, Thailand. In this culture, an elongated neck is viewed as physically attractive.

  32. Intimate Relationships • Self-disclosure is important • Those who value intimacy tend to be more trusting, concerned for others, disclose more, have more positive thoughts about others, are perceived as more likable, smile, laugh, make more eye contact, and enjoy marriage more

  33. Male and Female Styles of Intimacy • Culturally transmitted gender roles may be the largest factor in affecting style of intimacy • Men are inhibited from expressing intimacy, or maybe they just do it differently than women, such as through behavior • Gay men are more likely to believe in the importance of sharing intimacy with a romantic partner than heterosexual men

  34. Intimacy in Different Cultures • Culture seems to be more influential than gender in love and intimacy style • Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures • Strength of stereotypical gender roles affects level of intimacy; the stronger the stereotype, the less attached couples are • Western countries rate love as highly important, less developed Asian countries rated love the lowest

  35. Long-Term Love and Commitment • Effort and commitment are required to maintain a relationship • Women feel lonely in a marriage that has less liking, marital satisfaction, self-disclosure, and love • Men feel lonely in a marriage that has less intimacy, liking, and communication

  36. The ability to maintain love over time is the hallmark of maturity. Couples who have been together a long time often have a sense of ease with each other.

  37. Loss of Love • A time of mourning • Sadness, depression, anger • Vulnerable to enter another relationship • Vulnerable to lowered self-esteem, self-blame, distrust others

  38. Love, Sex and How We Build Intimate Relationships • Sexual intercourse can express affection, intimacy, and love • Before engaging in a sexual relationship, think about the following: • Your values • Honesty about yourself • Honesty with your partner

  39. Love, Sex and How We Build Intimate Relationships (Cont.) • Initial attraction increases intimacy: more eye contact, more touches • Body language reveals attraction, and the female typically starts • Initially it is contact and conversation with bodies turned toward each other, followed by tentative touches that increase in duration and intimacy, then “full body synchronization” • Higher sexual desire, less unfaithful thoughts

  40. Developing Intimacy Skills • Self-love – being at ease with ourselves, both the positive and negative qualities • Receptivity – shows others we are open to communication, approachable • Listening – provide full attention • Affection – warmth and security with others • Trust – a requirement that develops slowly • Respect – acknowledge and understand another’s needs; don’t have to share them

  41. The Dark Side of Love • Jealousy • Compulsiveness • Possessiveness

  42. Jealousy • Interpretation and emotional reaction that a relationship is threatened • Most jealous if the person we believe is threatening the relationship has qualities we want ourselves • More common with low self-esteem

  43. Jealousy (Cont.) • Men more jealous of a female’s sexual infidelity • Women more jealous of a male’s emotional infidelity • Both genders more threatened by sexual infidelity in short-term relationships • Both genders more threatened by emotional infidelity in long-term relationships

  44. Jealousy (Cont.) • Male heterosexuals more jealous of male-female sexual infidelity • Heterosexual women more jealous of male-male sexual infidelity • Much unknown about homosexual infidelity • Jealousy is in all cultures, although the reasons may vary • Jealousy shows a lack of trust & self-esteem

  45. We are often jealous when we think, fantasize, or imagine that another person has traits we ourselves want.

  46. Compulsiveness • Love releases phenylethylamine (also in chocolate), which produces feelings of euphoria and love addiction • Society and media reinforces the “need” to be in love and may be carried over from adolescence without maturing

  47. Possessiveness • Trying to manipulate the partner in attempts to feel worthy • Is a sign of low self-esteem and can lead to stalking • May require help from a mental health professional

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