De-Escalating High-Conflict Post-Separation Parenting

1. High-Conflict Post-Separation Parenting:  De-escalating Volatile Patterns and Building New Directions London High Conflict Forum September 20-21, 2018 Jeff Chang, PhD, R.Psych. Athabasca University & Calgary Family Therapy Centre Drjeffchang.webs.com

2. Acknowledgements • Athabasca University • Calgary Family Therapy Centre • The families who generously allowed me to share their experience

3. Background • Professor at Athabasca University Master of Counselling Program • 23 years of excitement working with high-conflict divorce and parenting in private practice • Bilateral parenting evaluations • Mediation • Parenting coordination • Litigation support for family lawyers

4. Background • Clinical supervisor and therapist at Calgary Family Therapy Centre • Seeing families experiencing high conflict separations and post-separation parenting • PI for controlled multi-site study of New Ways for Families (funded by Palix Foundation)

5. Background Information

6. The Legal Context • A common law legal system in the British Commonwealth and the USA • Parties to a legal action are automatically defined as adversaries • Default position: “Kramer vs. Kramer” • Important feature of the high-conflict parenting families

7. Your Experiences …. with high-conflict post-divorce parents/families?

8. High Conflict Divorce • About one-third of former spouses have significant difficulty establishing a healthy relationship with each other after divorce • 75% of divorces with children have no court appearances that are not “by agreement” • Another 10 to 15% require one contested application • between 5 to 15% have what can be described as high conflict relationships

9. High Conflict Divorce • Emotional reactivity • Immediate blamefulness and attribution of intentionality for parenting slip-ups • Exaggeration of parenting differences • Court applications to restrict the parenting time of the other parent, and to manage issues that most former couples can manage on a month-to-month or season-by-season basis

10. High Conflict Divorce Four levels of problems/one level of intensity: • Conduct that would require a report to child protection • Inadequate parenting that does not require a report to child protection • Big disagreements about generally adequate parenting • Problems that arise simply because parents cannot communicate productively

11. High Conflict Divorce • Children whose parents divorce at 2-3 x as likely to be referred to mental health treatment; children in high conflict divorces are more than 2x again likely to seek treatment • Symptoms: You don’t need a list – everything you can think of • Most problematic and intractible: child refusing contact with a parent • “Parental alienation” vs. realistic estrangement.

12. Football Shoes and Camping Gear: Dad Writes Have not seen what you are looking for. I believe Jason's [school] camping trip has been known for quite some time and it is unfortunate you have not organized his equipment before now, a lot on your plate with the girls’ horse show and overnight/out of town guests you were entertaining….

13. Football Shoes and Camping Gear: Dad Writes … Unfortunately also for Jason is that Jason has no shoes for the first half hour of his 1.5 hour football clinic at 5pm today and that he had to participate in his socks. Please advise if you would like me to have standby items that you can't locate. Thank you. John

14. Football Shoes and Camping Gear: Mom Responds Yes we all had a fantastic weekend and wonderful memorable times with our out of town guests. BTW Kyle had Jason's shoes and he forgot practice started at five and brought them late. But I will be sure to show him this email so I can pass your criticism along to him….

15. Football Shoes and Camping Gear: Mom Responds … As for standby items John. I think it is long long overdue for you to get a job and contribute to supporting your children. And yes fill your home with clothes and shoes and toys and bikes and helmets and scooters and sport equipment and pay for some of their education and activities. That would be amazing!! It's funny but Chris says in the U.S. people who don't pay child support go to jail. DEAD BEAT DAD

16. The Professionals • Invitations to pathologize • Hard work and heart-breaking for us • Scares many practitioners off • Area of practice drawing the most ethical complaints • Practitioners feel threatened by high conflict-parents, and “fire” children as clients to minimize risk.

17. Invitation to Pathologize Video removed

18. He Said… Video removed

19. The Professionals And the toll it takes on us….

20. High Conflict Divorce • Hard work and heart-breaking for us • Scares us many practitioners off • Area of practice drawing the plurality of ethical complaints (6 out of 20 reported disciplinary findings of the Saskatchewan College of Psychologists 2005-2018) • Some therapists’ risk management strategy of firing kids when their parents are too conflictual

21. Operating Principles

22. Operating Principles • The parental subsystem is where the action is. • The legal system can be a help or a hindrance, but is ill-equipped to provide solutions in high conflict situations. • While individual pathology on the part of one parent may be an important contributor to problem, thinking about interpersonal patterns (the ipScope) is more useful.

23. Operating Principles • Children are resilient. • Safety first. • Keep the big picture in mind and take a long view. • Acknowledge problems, while focusing on possibilities, strengths, and resources.

24. The parental subsystem is where the action is. • Children are innocent victims • The vast majority of the time, children (even if they seem to have very clear ideas) are standing on the shoulders of one parent. • The adversarial legal system takes on a life of its own when the parental subsystem does not do its job.

25. The legal system can be a help or a hindrance, but is ill-equipped to provide solutions in high conflict situations. • “… family justice issues are primarily social and relationship problems that contain a legal element” (Reforming the Family Justice System, Alberta)

26. The legal system… • Parent education and alternate dispute resolution approaches like mediation and parenting coordination help, but are not capable of dealing with complex high conflict situations • Therapists must understand the family legal system get over their “court-phobia”

27. While individual pathology on the part of one parent may be an important contributor to problem, thinking about interpersonal patterns (the ipScope) is more useful. • The presenting problem is likely to be a child or adolescent emotional or behavioral problem – not an adult problem. • Developing a connection with a parent may enable some change, and using the child’s problem as an entry point is helpful

28. Individual pathology… • Everyone likes to asked to be part of the solution; no one likes to blamed for the problem. • We are unable to exert much influence on individual parents, anyway. Exercise: The ipScope

29. HIPs and PIPs • Dr. Karl Tomm and colleagues at Calgary developed the ipScope: “IP”=interpersonal patterns • PIPs= “pathologizing interpersonal patterns” • HIPs= “healing inter- personal patterns”

30. HIPs and PIPs • In pairs, the speaker describes two typical recurrent interactions between you and a loved one – one positive and one negative • The listening takes notes about the interactions. • Discuss the situation with the goal of expressing the interaction in at least one set of coupled behaviors

31. HIPs and PIPs • Express it the “gerund” (--ing) form of the verb • These “vicious cycles” (PIPs) can amplify pre-existing problems, while virtuous cycles (WIPs and HIPs) promote wellness.

32. Individual pathology… • It is possible to be engaged in a PIP when you are not in the same room, in the same house, or in the same city • An individual problem is exacerbated by a PIP and can be deescalated by a HIP • Unfortunately, these family systems are predisposed PIPs

33. Children are resilient • We cannot rescue them from the unpleasantness of their situation • We can offer them a neutral environment, support, and understanding • We can work on moderating their parents’ behavior and improving their relationship with parents. • We can help children develop the skills they need to manage.

34. Safety first • OBVIOUSLY • …. but understand the effects of interpersonal interactional patterns on behaviors that threaten safety • Therapists require sophisticated knowledge of intimate partner violence – not all IPV is created equal • Sandra Stith, MFT Program at Kansas State

35. Keep the big picture in mind and take a long view • A systemic approach helps us see the big picture – in a situation where, in all likelihood, no one else does • If your setting allows it, be prepared for a long-term, if intermittent, relationship

36. Acknowledge problems, while focusing on possibilities, strengths, and resources. • Empathize carefully and purposefully when parents are discussing the problems of the other parent • Don’t try to convince, teach, or lecture

37. Acknowledgement… possibilities… • Listen carefully for openings when someone is describing changes or differences • Start by asking about descriptions and speculation, and coping. Be careful about asking for commitments for change • SFBT: Visiting relationship, complainant relationship, customer relationship

38. So What to Do?

39. Intervention

40. Intervention • Managing the referral • Developing a working alliance with each parent • Working the parental subsystem • Developing shared or parallel treatment goals • Intervention and reevaluation cycles • “Termination” and intermittent meetings

41. Managing the referral The initial call: In addition to everything else you do… • Ask about the parenting schedule • Be aware that some parents generously represent a parenting order in their favor – obtain the order in the first session • Ask about whether the other parent is on board with treatment

42. Managing the referral • Exercise due caution about IPV, substance misuse, persistent mental illness, etc. • Listen carefully for hidden agenda – letter for court • We are permitted to see children with one parent’s consent – it’s legal but is it wise? • Explain why it is useful to include both parents: Phone calldemonstration

43. Developing a working alliance with each parent • Obtain the background from the parent’s perspective • Empathize carefully. Affirming one parent’s perspective might lead him/her to think you agree: • “So your perception is… • “You experience him as abusive…” • “You’ve felt she has not attended to the needs of the kids when goes out with friends …”

44. She Lies… Video removed

45. Developing a working alliance with each parent • Listen carefully for their beliefs about the cause of the problems • Ask coping questions: • “How do you maintain an even keel?” • “When you feel provoked how do you keep your cool?” • “With everything that’s going on, how do you manage to keep going?”

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48. Developing a working alliance with each parent • If you hear something, ask for a description (not what the parent can do to make it better) • “Oh, what did he do?” • “That must have been a surprise. How did you respond?” • “Then what happened?” • “What do you suppose the kids noticed?”

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50. Supporting my Daughter Video removed