BA 6: Revisions at the Sentence Level

BA 6: Revisions at the Sentence Level 3-8-2012

For Today: • Important Announcement • Reading Quiz • BA6 • Style – Discussion and Small Group Work • Prep Assignment for Next Class

For Today: • At 6PM on March 9th through Midnight on March 11th, TTU Physical Plant will be shutting down the chilled water pumps all across campus. This means for the English Department that the server room will not be able to keep cool during this period. The servers will be shut down for the weekend so that our equipment doesn’t overheat and fail.Physical Plant scheduled this at the same time Spring Break starts so that the impact would be minimal to our students. The systems will be back up as soon as possible after the maintenance is complete.

Reading Quiz: • You have 10 minutes to answer all of the questions. • You may use your reading notes.

Reading Quiz 1. Revise the following sentence to highlight what you take to be the most important ideas. • We can expect a decade of record-breaking tropical storms and hurricanes, if meteorologists are correct in their predictions. 2. Rewrite this sentence (currently written in passive voice) in active voice. • Mistakes were made. 3. Revise the following paragraph to eliminate unnecessary words, nominalizations, expletives, and inappropriate use of the passive voice. • As dogs became tamed and domesticated by humans over many thousands of years, the canine species underwent an evolution into hundreds of breeds designed to perform particular, specific tasks, such as pulling sleds and guarding sheep. 4. Using coordination to signal equal importance or to create special effects, combine the following sentence into one longer and more effective one. • The auditorium was filled with people. The sea of faces did not intimidate me. 5. Combine each of the following sets of sentences into one sentence that uses subordination to signal the relationships among ideas. • The original Star Trek television show ran from 1966 to 1969. • It was critically acclaimed. • It had low ratings and was canceled by the network.

Reading Quiz Answers: 1. If meteorologists are correct in their predictions, we can expect a decade of record-breaking tropical storms and hurricanes. 2. We made mistakes. (The active voice implies that the speaker is taking responsibility in a mature way.) 3. As humans domesticated dogs over many thousands of years, the canine species evolved into hundreds of breeds designed to perform specific tasks such as pulling sleds and guarding sheep. 4. The auditorium was filled with people, but the sea of faces did not intimidate me. 5. The original Star Trek television show, which ran from 1966 to 1969, had low ratings and was canceled by the network even though it was critically acclaimed.

BA 6: Sentence Level Revision • Purpose: After you have written several drafts of an essay, one of the final steps of revision prior to a last proofreading is to look closely at the sentence structure and language you have used to argue on behalf of your claim. This assignment enables you to practice these revisions on a single paragraph before working through the rest of your argument in the same way.

BA 6: Sentence Level Revision To complete this assignment, use the guidelines in Chapter 10 of First-Year Writing and Chapters 40-43 of The St. Martin's Handbook to revise one substantial body paragraph (i.e. between 6 – 8 sentences in length) from your 1.1 draft. Please be sure to choose a paragraph from the most recently revised version of your 1.1 draft for this assignment. Consider matters of organization, language, word choice, and grammar and mechanics as you revise. You will need to make significant revisions to your original paragraph. Include both the original and the revised paragraphs. You will also need to include 1) a statement of your thesis, so that your instructor knows the context in which these paragraphs were written, and 2) a paragraph evaluating the revisions you have made and their impact on the audience, purpose, and meaning of your draft as a whole. After completing your revisions, be sure to integrate your new paragraph into your working 1.2 draft.

Use this structure & these labels: Thesis: If you have revised your thesis statement already, use the revision. Original: Under the word “Original,” paste your original passage. Your paragraph must be 6 – 8 sentences in length. Revised: Paste your revised passage here. You do not have the option of not revising any of these sentences. Analysis: The comments section should be a substantive paragraph where you thoroughly analyze the revisions you have made and their impact on the audience, purpose, and meaning of your draft as a whole.

Grading Rubric: C1—Focus Does the student thoroughly examine the quality and specificity of the body paragraph? Does the student use this examination to guide his or her revisions to the body paragraph? C3—Sources and Evidence Does the student’s revised paragraph show noticeable improvement? Does the student support his or her critique by directly referring to specific parts of his or her body paragraph? This criterion is particularly important because students tend to use vague and generic language that could apply to any draft. C5—Own Perspective Does the student show authority in relaying his or her perspective about what should be revised in the body paragraph and in justifying the effectiveness of the revisions that he or she has made?

Grading Rubric: C6—Conclusion Does the student provide an accurate evaluative statement about the overall effectiveness of the revisions? Does the student discuss the significance of the revisions her or she has made? C7—Communication How effectively is the revised version of the body paragraph delivered? Does the student communicate his or her critique of the revisions effectively? Has the student organized his or her critique effectively? Are both the revised introduction and the critique relatively free of grammatical errors?

Let’s look at a sample BA6! As we look at the sample together, think about how well this sample fulfills the grading criteria we just went over.

Concision: Look for redundant words. If you are unsure about a word, read the sentence without it; if the meaning is not affected, leave the word out. (40a) Replace wordy phrases with a single word. Instead of because of the fact that, try because. (40a) Simplify grammatical structures whenever possible. For example, you might rewrite a sentence to make it more specific or combine two sentences that have the same subject or predicate. (40b) Identify all uses of it is, there is, and there are, and delete any that do not give your writing necessary emphasis. (40b1) Note noun phrases whose meaning could be expressed by a verb, and try revising using the verb. (40b2) Look for sentences that use the passive voice without a good reason. If the active voice would make the sentence livelier, clearer, or more concise, rewrite the sentence. (40c)

Concision: What wordy or meaningless phrases can we delete? Productivity actually depends on certain factors that basically involve psychology more than any particular technology. I would now like to say some words concerning the matter of a decrease in the number of applicants to universities. Students are in a position these days to apply prior to hearing word about any financial aid they may receive. Despite the fact that there has been an increase in tuition costs owing to the fact that there has been an increase in overhead costs, it is crucial that we, as administrators, are in a position to assuage their fears concerning the matter of money.

Concision: Productivity actuallydepends on certainfactors that basicallyinvolve psychology more than any particulartechnology. I would now like to say some words concerning the matter ofa decrease in the numberof applicants to universities. Students are in a positionthese days to apply prior tohearing word about any financial aid they may receive. Despite the fact thatthere has been an increase intuition costs owing to the fact thatthere has been an increase inoverhead costs, it is crucial thatwe, as administrators, are in a position toassuage their fears concerning the matterof money.

Coordination and Subordination How do your ideas flow from one sentence to another? Do they connect smoothly and clearly? Are the more important ideas given more emphasis than the less important ones? These guidelines will help you edit with such questions in mind. Look for strings of short sentences that might be combined to join related ideas. (41a) If you often link ideas with the conjunctions and, but, or so, are the linked ideas equally important? If not, edit to subordinate the less important ones. (41b) Are the most important ideas in independent clauses? If not, edit so that they are. (41b)

Coordinate or Subordinate these passages, as appropriate: • My grandfather has dramatic mood swings, and he was diagnosed as manic-depressive. • My 1969 Camero, which is no longer street legal, is an original SS396. [Emphasize the fact that the car is no longer street legal.] • The aides help the younger children with reading and math. These are the children's weakest subjects. • Sophia's country kitchen, which overlooks a field where horses and cattle graze among old tombstones, was formerly a lean-to-porch. [Emphasize that the kitchen overlooks the field.]

Editing for Sentence Variety Check sentence length by counting the words in each sentence. If the difference between the longest and the shortest sentences is fairly small—say, five words or fewer—try revising some sentences to create greater variety. Should two or more short sentences be combined because they deal with closely related ideas? Should a long sentence be split up because it contains too many important ideas? (42a) Look at sentence openings. If most sentences start with a subject, try recasting some to begin with a transition, a phrase, or a dependent clause. (42b) Vary types of sentences to make your writing more interesting. Do you use simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences—or does one type predominate? Would a particular declarative sentence be more effective as a command or question or exclamation? Could you use a periodic or cumulative sentence for special effect?

Editing for Sentence Variety: Revise it! The local community wanted to get involved with a recycling program. They knew that the alternative was building another landfill. The city council met in a special session. They decided to get bids for curbside service from two local companies and three companies outside the city. The bids were all unfortunately about the same amount. The council decided to sign a 10-year contract with one of the local companies. The company chosen had been a part of the community for almost 20 years. It had a sterling reputation for its dependability. The members of the community have overwhelmingly supported the new program. They are excited about contributing to their community and the environment.

Editing for Sentence Variety: Revised Version The local community wanted to get involved with a recycling program because the people knew that the alternative was building another landfill. Meeting in a special session, the city council decided to get bids for curbside service from two local companies and three companies outside the city. Unfortunately, the bids were all about the same amount. The company chosen, a part of the community for almost 20 years, had a sterling reputation for its dependability. Overwhelmingly, the members of the community have supported the new program and are excited about contributing to their community and the environment.

Editing for Memorable Prose Identify the words you want to emphasize. If you’ve buried those words in the middle of a sentence, edit the sentence to change their position. The end and the beginning are generally the most emphatic. (43a1) Note any sentences that include a series of words, phrases, or clauses. Arrange the items in the series in climactic order, with the most important item last. (43a2) Underline all verbs, and look to see whether you rely too much on be, do, and have. If so, try to substitute more specific verbs. (43b)

Editing for Memorable Prose The automobile accident resulted in serious damage. The passenger in the VW was hurled through the windshield; her throat was slashed and she bled to death before the paramedics arrived. The VW driver had both his legs broken. The driver of the Mercedes showed us his black and blue ribs from when his air bag deployed. My sister, who was sleeping on the back seat of the Mercedes, bumped her face and had a swollen lip. The front of the VW bug was crushed, and the Mercedes had scratches on its front bumper and grill [Edit this for climactic order.]

Editing for Memorable Prose Although the Mercedes had only scratches on its front bumper and grill, the accident resulted in serious damage. The front of the VW bug was crushed. My sister, who was sleeping on the back seat of the Mercedes, bumped her face and had a swollen lip. The driver of the Mercedes showed us his black and blue ribs from when his air bag deployed. The VW driver had both his legs broken. The passenger in the VW was hurled through the window; her throat was slashed and she bled to death before the paramedics arrived.

For Next Class: • When is BA6 due? On March 19th– that is the Monday that we come back from Spring Break. • Don’t forget about it! • When is Draft 1.2 due? March 27th. This is essentially the week after your BA6 is due; we’ll just be getting back on the Tuesday due date schedule. • Reading 9 – on the syllabus • Prep Assignment • Due next class (you will want to do this assignment BEFORE you begin your revisions) • You will be reflecting on the commentary you received on your Draft 1.1 and discussing what revisions you still need to make. • The Draft 1.1 should have at least the commentary from grader 1. Begin your revisions based on this. • You can view the commentary you have received in Raider Writer.

HAVE A GREAT SPRING BREAK!!! • BE SAFE! • DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

BA 6: Revisions at the Sentence Level