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PARENT COFFEE CLUB, January 2014

PARENT COFFEE CLUB, January 2014. The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. Relational Aggression. Can show up as early as age 2.5 Using relationships as a weapon “If you don’t do what I want, I won’t be friends with you anymore.” Silent treatment

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PARENT COFFEE CLUB, January 2014

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  1. PARENT COFFEE CLUB, January 2014 The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

  2. Relational Aggression • Can show up as early as age 2.5 • Using relationships as a weapon • “If you don’t do what I want, I won’t be friends with you anymore.” • Silent treatment • Rumors or gossip • Reputation is defined by relationship.

  3. Good Girl Rules • Popular with friends and adults • Pretty and dresses well • Does well in school • Organized • Follows the rules • Pleaser • Has to do everything right • Is nice to everyone • Well rounded • Always busy

  4. Good Girl Rules • The pressure to be “good” diminishes girls’ authenticity and personal authority. • “Good” is unreachable! Girls become too hard on themselves. • Fear of disappointing others or failing • Girls are socialized away from expressing negative emotions.

  5. Good Girl Rules • As they get older the social permission gets eclipsed • Denial of the action causes me to question my own version of events  lose my confidence • Indirect aggression allows girls to seem like the nice girl while being rude.

  6. What Did Girls Say? • Uncomfortable with feedback and failure • Getting judged was their worst fear • 60% knew they should behave assertively • 25% said they actually would

  7. We Need a Change! • Girls need to have the tools to say “no,” to ask for what they need, and to say what they think. • Media portrays women as passive, sexualized objects. • Our culture remains confused about gender equality. • Attitudes are slow to change.

  8. What Can Parents Do? • Early childhood research shows that when moms intervene by saying relational aggression is not acceptable and give consequences, the children show friendlier behavior 4 years later. • Help your child learn how to identify and express her feelings and emotions; help her identify what she wants. • Instead of the silent treatment: “I’m not ready to talk now. I will be later.” • Treat relationships as a set of skills

  9. What Can Parents Do? • Model EMPATHY: • Affirm her emotions and experience • “I would feel angry and sad.” • Show sympathy • “I am sorry this is happening.” • Practice and Model Emotional Literacy and Vocabulary • Emotional Intelligence= We want girls to access that deeper feeling (not just sad, happy, angry) • KNOW how you’re feeling • EXPRESS how you’re feeling • RESPECT how you’re feeling • EMOTIONS ARE AN AGENT OF CHANGE IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU!

  10. What Can Parents Do? • “Mothers serve as models for daughters of how to talk, and how to use language to negotiate relationships and the world.” • 2008 study by Girl Scouts of America • Girls cited mothers as their most important role models. • Model the qualities you most want to instill in your daughters. • Assertiveness • Honesty • Saying what you need • Not caring about being perfect

  11. Exercise • Make 2 lists • Qualities you hope to model for your daughter • “Role model mother” • What you think society says perfect mothers look and act like • “Perfect mother”

  12. Exercise • Role Model Mother • Confidence • Integrity • Self-respect • Assertive • Kind • Compassion • Ambition • Generosity • Happy • Perfect Mother • Cooks dinner • Cleans house • Martha Stewart • Perfect children • Good wife • Successful career (that doesn’t interfere with parenting) • Perfect body • Well dressed • Volunteers at school • Good hostess

  13. Assess Yourself • Do you feel pressure to be the perfect mother? • How does this affect your parenting? • What kind of model are you for your daughter? • Assess your response to your daughter’s anger

  14. Home Exercises • Write your daughter a letter • What do you wish you had known when you were her age? • Focus on what you have learned about relationships, conflict, and self-confidence • What does being yourself mean to you? • What did your female role models teach you? • Set parenting goals • It takes a village

  15. Some Advice • Be the change you want to see in your daughter. • Try to tell the truth every day. • Emphasize authenticity • Curb self-deprecating comments • Develop her self-worth • Not everyone is going to like you • When truth and friendship cannot coexist, choose truth.

  16. 4 Step Protocol: GIRL • G- Gather your choices • I- I choose… • R- Reasons are • L- List the outcomes

  17. Gather Your choices • Talk about her behind her back • Tell her how I feel • Ask her why she did it • Do the same thing to her • Stop speaking to her • Tell an adult • Ask her to stop

  18. I Choose… • … to tell her how I feel Reasons Are… • … I think it is important to be honest with friends. I want to give my friend a chance to change.

  19. List the Outcomes • She might listen to me • She might get mad at me • She might tell other people

  20. References • All information in this presentation was taken from: • The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence by Rachel Simmons • Rachel Simmons’ Keynote speech at the ASCA Annual Conference, June 2013, Philadelphia.

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