Engaging with others – what it takes

1. Engaging with others – what it takes Mark McGinn Director PeopleFit 027 6288803

2. Workshop objectives • To gain an overview of collaboration and adversarialism • Understand the various emotional states in organisations • The laws of dialogue and the impact of emotional intelligence • Dialogue, debate and defensiveness

3. Discussion • Think about positive and negative experiences of working with others with different work status (power through knowledge, hierarchy) • Then describe • What works • What doesn’t work • Focus on behaviours & feelings generated.

4. Differences in Approach

5. Where self worth and caring interact I’m OK”ish” Start here Volunteers Survivors • Available, discretionary effort for others • Language of inclusion “us, we, our” etc • Follow rules, only the minimum, quit but still here • Self-interested, will “play the game” Givenupcaring Care Prisoners Whingers • The darkest place, low self worth, hates the organisation -stuck • Stuff up the system, make them pay, self sabotage – high stress • Depend on willing ear: complaints, demands, criticism of others, insecure • Language of exclusion “they, them, the system, the boss I’m not OK (bruised)

6. Volunteers • Feel OK and it’s real – degree of enthusiasm • Available for robust & authentic conversation – will front difficult issues • “We” - language of inclusion • Enough trust to risk trying new things – discretionary effort • Quadrant of commitment • Supported by leaders

7. Whingers • Don’t feel OK – bruised • Become dependent on support of others • Feelings of annoyance, insecurity • Generalise – “they”, language of separation • Look and listen for evidence to prove their point • Enough trust to whinge (express feelings) to others • Frustrated idealists/pragmatists

8. Survivors • Put things in place that shut out others to make themselves feel OK “ish” (false OK) • Fundamentally detached • Mask their true feeling to others • Low/diminished trust of others • Game players – attend to things on the surface • Pathway of safety – no risks – no change

9. Prisoners • Bruised by others & self • Do things to sabotage others – even themselves; • Fundamentally “stuck” • Mask their true feeling • Low trust of others • Tend to ill-health if sustained over long period

10. Discussion • Does the model make sense? • Why do people stay in a volunteer state?

11. Why do people stay volunteers? Identity and inclusion in the relationship:(1) They maintain self awareness & self management - they know what they like and focus their effort on overcoming obstacles(2) They understand others have different needs and are willing to engage, optimistic about win/wins over the long-term (3) They receive validation and respond to leadership

12. Why do people move away from volunteer mode? Loss of identity and exclusion from relationships • They no longer feel known for who they are: “I feel like I’m a number” – “its all transactional, • They perceive threats to their purposes, circumstances and concerns, • They lose clarity about their value, • They have difficulty “swimming against the tide”.

13. Keeping people engaged • Everyone , from those carrying out ‘menial’ tasks to the CEO, needs to feel they are part of something • That their knowledge and skill is valued because it contributes to others success • Value is everything from a smile and “hello”, to remuneration • Opportunities for meaningful dialogue – genuine exchange of ideas, shared understanding of difference.

14. Know the 3 laws of dialogue • All humans have purposes, concerns & circumstances (pcc). • If someone perceives that you are unaware or disrespectful of their pcc, they will consider you a threat, resulting in active efforts to avoid, resist or undermine such threats (negative energy/engagement). • If someone perceives that you are aware & respectful of their pcc, they will join you in conversation, share information, co-invent solutions and move into action. (positive energy/engagement).

15. Broaden the intersection Your Purpose My Purpose Our commitments (to action)

16. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) the foundation for dialogue • Recognisingour own emotions and what causes them. • Managing those emotions constructively, to influence others emotionsIt is not • about who has the most general mental ability (IQ) • “about being nice” • “letting it all hang out” • fixed genetically and only develops in childhood

17. EQ Competencies Self awareness (recognition) • Understanding what pushes your “hot buttons” • Recognising when they are being pushed • Willingness to take in information improving self awareness (feedback) Self management • Self control & confidence • Transparency – bring all information • Adapting to the unexpected • Persisting despite obstacles • Initiative – new ideas • Optimism

18. EQ Competencies Social awareness • Empathy for another’s situation • Organisational awareness – knowing more than just your job Relationship management • Influence others’ thinking • Conflict management • Team work & collaboration – be open to being influenced!

19. Most common mistake? Starting here! Direction of effort when building trust and exerting influence Logic &reasoning Relationshipmanagement 80% to 90% of what separatesaveragefromexcellentperformers SocialAwareness e.g. empathy SelfManagement SelfAwareness Model for trust and influence using emotional intelligence

20. A significant EQ behaviour Listening 4 – Intersection – Listen for mutual value in face of differences (very rare) 3 - Essential purpose – listening to what’s at stake for the speaker (rare) 2 – Compassion – listening for an emotional relationship to the words 1 – Content – separating spoken words from meaning 0 - Bio reaction – listening through a threat response

21. The effect of listening • High listening - quality dialogue • Low listening – high debate or disengagement

22. Debate – dialogue behaviours Real collaboration Patience – tolerance for difference L I S T E N I N G T I M E Deep listening – rungs 3 & 4 Checking reality Testing assumptions Beginning to listen – rungs 1 & 2 Advocating Explaining Contradicting Politeness appeasement Detached observance Avoidance EFFORT AT ENGAGEMENT

23. Dialogue balances advocacy with inquiry • Instead of:I disagree – that’s wrong • That might be your view but this is how it really is • The only way this problem can be fixed is if you…. • Try: • What leads you to conclude that?What data do you have for that? • Can you help me understand your thinking here • What is the significance of that • Are we starting from different sets of assumptions here

24. Discussion – In debate, we defend! How do we encourage others to be defensive?

25. Defensiveness – “The elephant in the room” • We stimulate flight/fight/freeze/appease responses in others • Examples • expose others to threat or embarrassment, • Impose or demand without reciprocity, • When we attack, blame or defend we find it difficult to stay in dialogue mode.

26. Blame, defense and learning Blame Defensiveness More problems Reduction in info. Poor problem solving Distorted reality

27. Discussion point • How can we break the cycle and improve organisational learning?

28. Steps to avoid the blame game • Remember that others are acting rationally from their perspective • Notice the larger forces at work that probably have an impact on you and your colleague with a different view • Look at what you did that got the reaction • Remind yourself that judgment & criticism of others makes it very difficult for them to see clearly & respond appropriately

29. Some important engagement skills • Help make sense of what’s going on • Build productive relationships • Develop ability to be inventive/creative

30. Engaging in making sense of what’s going on We do this well when we: • Involve others by saying what we think we are seeing, and checking this out (different perspectives from ours). • Get and share data from sources e.g. customers, other stakeholders. • Explore what the data means for alternative ways of working/processes

31. Building productive relationships We do this well when we: • Try to understand others perspectives, listen with an open mind & without judgment. • Encourage others to voice their interpretations about what’s going on and why. • Try to anticipate others’ reactions with a focus on meeting their needs. • Be open about our reasoning – not just expressing a “bottom line”.

32. Develop the ability to be inventive/creative We do this well when we: • Avoid assuming that the way things have always been done is the best way to do them. • Encourage creative ways of getting tasks done. • Experiment with processes and organising e.g. finding alternative methods for grouping or linking people. • Continually asking “what other options are possible”.

33. Steps in self-monitoring • What important purpose is at stake for them? • What concerns do they have about achieving their purpose • What circumstances are having an impact on their purpose • What rung on the listening ladder am I on? • Where am I on the Dialogue/Debate continuum?

34. Steps in self-monitoring • Am I spilling milk or crying (pointing or measuring the problem) or cleaning up (identifying steps for prevention and a better future state)? •  How well am I showing a colleague with a different view that I understand them? • What could I do more of to engage in shared understanding of issues? • What could I do to be more collaborative?

35. An example of demonstrating understanding of a colleague • “My perspective, informed by xyz, is that you …… or” • “I accept I don’t necessarily have the whole picture but what I see is ….. And this has had …. impact on you.” • THEN • “What would you add or change (to what I’ve just said)?”

36. Concluding comments • If you want to create anything new in a system, change the content and tenor of the conversation(s) • Engagement is an emotional issue before it’s a cognitive issue. There is no mind applied without the heart • We all need to feel heard